DAY 144: Being my own boss - from self-judgments to self-direction

When it comes to business, my experience has been very much based on working for someone else, having objectives established by someone else and following a struture that has been designed by someone else. The fact that all of this framework is pre-existent allows me to dive into do my job and know exactly what to do and when to do the tasks but the picture changes when one ownes a business or starts a business. I began to understand the dynamics of being one's own boss in my experience of being married with an entrepreneur however, what my reality has been allowing me to recently see is that I am my own boss as well - in who I am, in what I do and in how I direct my life.

Who to put the blame on when there is no one else to blame?

The above question came up after walking the points that I will be describing today. This afternoon I noticed that there was some sort of hesitation before I said the magic words "why didn't you do that" and "I was expecting you to give me some direction" and, even though these words still came out of my mouth, the discomfort in m body was here and I had no choice than bringing this point to myself and investigate where my reaction was coming from. Since I started this process of self-investigation I have been dealing with projections - these are thoughts usually echoed towards another but are actually about my own relationship with myself. So, instead of bringing my husband to the equation, I can now see that the frustration was already in me before I put it out against him - the inner-dialogue should then read "why didn't I do that" and "I was expecting something different from me".

The reality is that I haven't yet fully embraced my responsibility of directing me, whether is in my personal life, relationships or in my professional career. In this blog, I will assist me in moving beyond the polarity of judging myself to actually help me understanding this point of self-direction.

Last month I went through very important steps in my process of facing my fears, beliefs and self-trust when it comes to taking decisions in my life. These decisions have to do with giving me direction in expanding my skills and my world and I literally stepped out of my comfort zone in order to walk my decision. There was a lot of "glue" sticking me back to my seat and the mind was constantly sending me reminders of past experiences or of other people's experiences that could easily pushed me back to the comfort zone where I know how things work. It took me time and assistance from friends to put my two feet on the ground, place one in front of the other and start walking slowly but surely into the new challenge ahead.

So, what have been the main points and take-aways from being my own boss? Firstly, that there is no one to blame, not even me; there is no one to compete with, not even with me; there are no valid reactions, not even my own or against me. To give an example of how to walk out of the mind cycle of blame-competition-judgment, I will write about the relationship with myself when things go slower than how I had initially planned (regarding this I recommend the blog article "When Plans Don't Work Out As Planned"). As many might be familiar with this pattern, the tendency is to give into frustration, anger and eventually giving up of one's decision to continue the project. In order to correct this tendency, the notion of time and the relationship with time require an alignment if one wants to use the clock to support the business rather to destroy it. What I mean by this is instead of trying to impose certain timeframes (or should I say bomb-clocks) onto oneself, one must give time to see what works and what doesn't and how long things really take. The mind can play tricks when it comes to beliefs and expectation of how long it will take to start bearing the fruits. I am not saying that having an end-goal is not supportive however, one might get obcessed with the projected results without actually being here and taking each and every required step that eventually create the long-waited and deserved results.

This process of walking a process being it towards professional or personal development goals implies self-direction through which one keeps self engaged with the long-run objective while at the same time deals with real-time points that need to be solved and that will unfold the rest of the journey. No matter where one is in one's process, every single action is part of the big picture and one has the ability to enhance that big picture to become the best that one can ever create for oneself.

This blog title mentions the process of moving from self-judgement to self-direction and the reason for such transition has to do with the realisation that it is the self-judgment that holds oneself back from one's own ability to direct and decide for oneself.  I realise that self-judgments can be great tools to get to know my mind and to understand why I do things in certain ways but that's it! If self-judgments are having any other impact in my life and if I accept these thoughts to play out for many days, that is a redflag informing me that I am not directing myself to walk my decision fully. For as long as I am stuck in self-judgments there is not space for self-correction and this is the sticky glue that can hold me back in the comfort zone because as soon as I step out of it, I will be facing new points that can only be overcomed in self-trust and in self-correction. If one tries to walk through the decision held back to self-judgments than self won't be fully present, won't stand and will fall. This is why at Desteni we walk our process of understanding how the mind works and what the mind shows us through the thoughts that we have about ourselves so that one can direct the thoughts in a constructive way to create one's future differently than how the past has been.

Finally, it is worth reminding me that self-judgment is an energy, just like any other emotion that usually comes along, such as fear and anxiety. New business or new work places and new people can be perceived as scary situations because we are facing first and foremost our own selves through the thoughts that pop up (Will they like me? What impression will they have of me? Will I feel OK in this place? Will I be able to succeed?). As often happens, questions lead to new questions but the same happens with the answers - once I start working out a solution to one point, the domino effect will unfold towards new solutions to my life whereby I will help me in understanding why I am anxious about what other people think of me, or why I would not enjoy myself in that new place, or why on earth would I sabotage my own decision!

 I associate this moment in my life to the opening of the Pandora's Box mentioned in a recent interview that explains why is that the moments of change are great gifts in one's process of self-discovery and self-change. This is the power of Living in self-direction when self-judgments are stopped, understood, forgiven and let go.

In the next post I will walk specific Self-Forgiveness in regards to self-judgments and the fear of not succeeding.

Photo credit: SinRL

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DAY 141: Facing Self-Trust in Public Speaking at a Live Hangout

Just before I pushed the "live" button, there was a shift within me. In a matter of milliseconds,  I though that I couldn't remember what I had prepared myself to say and I became nervous inside myself.  I had to go Live so we started. There was a shift in my attention and my mind was busy with the fear of failing and not being able to express myself in English. The fact that I was already live forced me to push for myself and to live my commitment of presenting the hangout and do that which I had decided to do. I had two guests with me and I realised that I could barely remember their names, even though we know each other for long time. I wasn't stable within me and I was judging myself for that. Curiously enough, the topic of the hangout was exactly about the mind shifts, the parallel realities and the consequences that each one creates to oneself. This became the beginning of an evening of self-investigation and I am grateful that I had the support of the Desteni group and the hangout assisting me in facing the energy of fear that I have been postponing for years.

Once the hangout has finished, I gave myself time to investigate through writing what was going on within me. I looked at my week and the memories that were popping up. My self-instability had not been a sudden thing and the manifestation of instability during the hangout had been the climax of a point that started manifested a week ago, related to self-trust. Not only that, I was also using previous experiences of presenting hangouts to imagine my presentation when in fact that "hologram" was not real and I was responsible for creating my presentation, creating my self-trust and creating the present moment. Like it happened with Jasmine, I was using my past to define my present which caused this distraction within myself and separation from my present reality. This experience confirmed that there is no middle-way: I am either Here or in the mind - and in the end of the day there is actually no choice rather than to stop "living" in the mind and to stand in self-awareness in the real world, if I am willing to change myself. What happened after was absolutely amazing: my body was uncomfortable, I was feeling this nausea in my belly and I was having chills in my body. My husband started asking me questions as to what I was thinking and the word that came up was fear. Obviously, my husband didn't stop there and continued pushing for myself to speak, to expand myself and to not suppress what was happening within me. While speaking to him, I was actually speaking to myself, I was clarifying myself and going through the layers of thoughts until I reached the point of Trust. In that moment, the fear energy became preeminent in my chest and it was overwhelming - as soon as I started stating my Self-Forgiveness on the fear energy I burst into tears. The energy was here, I could feel it in my chest as this massive wall that I thought was impossible to transcend. So I kept on forgiving each thought and my attachment to the fear energy that I was holding myself to. Physically it felt I was near a precipice and I feared to fall. I cried even more when I faced the word Courage - the courage to walk through the fear energy that exists within me. Through Self-forgiveness I was able to release the energy and bring me back to Here and become physically stable. I was still feeling cold but no longer nauseous.

New points opened up in my writing and a new understanding of the energy fear became clear within me when I listened to the interviews Stop in the Name of Fear and The Differencebetween your Beingness and Consciousness for the second time.

I decided to share this point because it may assist those that fear speaking in public or doing live hangouts. The points I suggest investigating are the point of self-trust and fear and to not postpone it anymore because it will eventually manifest for you to face it. Just like it is explained in the Life review, whenever there is a resistance, there is a fear that one must face in one's process of self-change. Why wouldn't one want to change if our fears are actually limiting our expression, our being and our utmost potential?

I will now share specific self-forgiveness and self-correction statements that are assisting me in walking the fear and self-distrust manifested when speaking in public:

Self-Forgiveness on the FEAR ENERGY:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the fear of making a mistake when I am doing something in public  or when I am speaking in public.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the fear energy and with the thoughts fed by the energy, instead of focusing myself on the message that I am going to speak and in who I am in each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to become nervous and being unable to deliver my presentation because it is "too hard" to do it (=to face the fear).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the energy of fear within me.

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the energy of fear and through it create the images and the thoughts that justify the fear.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another person or event for the fear that I feel within me when in fact the fear is my own creation and I am responsible for understanding it and stopping it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear energy within me, in my words, thoughts and deeds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the fear energy towards the things that I do, instead of assisting me to investigate where the fear comes from and find/apply solutions to practically assist me, rather than feeding and believing that the fear is a requirement to be aware of myself.

Now that I am aware of the fear energy and the real consequence of distrusting myself, I commit myself to practice my Self-Stance and self-trust in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts, ideas about myself and the image of failure in my mind as I am aware that I am the one feeding the energy and thus the one able to stop it within me.

When and as I see myself participating in the images of the mind and the energy of fear in my solar plexus when I am speaking in public, I stop and I breathe. I realise that slowly but surely I am walking the process of releasing the fear energy from my physical body and that each moment is an opportunity to apply my decision of stopping living/being fear.

I assist and support myself to be patient in the process of stopping the fear within me and to not get distracted with the images of the mind.

I realise that going into fear is a self-sabotage based on the idea that I am not ready or that I can't/I am limited. I also realise that I fear that which I don't know or that I don't understand. Therefore, I assist myself through writing and self-investigation to understand the fears within me and walk the process of changing myself and giving me direction.

I commit and assist myself to direct me in stopping the fear energy and to not allow it to take control over myself and my body.

I commit myself to trust me in my process of stopping the fear energy within me and changing my relationship with myself, from self-judgement to self-awareness, self-correction and self-respect.

When and as I see the energy of fear manifesting in my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to stand stable when I am facing the fear energy and through this I assist me to change my relationship to fear, from fearing the energy to understanding how it was created and then release it through self-forgiveness.

Self-Forgiveness on SELF-TRUST:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my decisions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust my creation as who I am, what I do and say.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as a false and as a liar.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am lying to others. By bringing this point to myself, I realise that I am only lying to myself when participating in the mind of thoughts, beliefs and self-judgments.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have self-distrust as my starting point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be misunderstood and judged when I say something.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-trust.

When and as I see myself distrusting my own self, my actions and my decision, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-distrust is not real and it comes from my own self-definition, ideas and beliefs about myself.

When and as I see myself judging what I do as not good enough or not perfect based on an idea of perfection that I have in my mind, I stop and I breathe.

I realise that the image of perfection in my mind is not real.

I commit myself to work with myself in reality and in real time to perfect myself, to expand my self-awareness, to increase my vocabulary, to stop the emotions and to create my own self-stability and self-trust in who I am, in the words I speak and in my actions.

I realise that the state of self-distrust is a justification of the mind to limit myself and to fear leaving my comfort zone and to investigate new points within me.

I also see that the projection about what others judge about me is showing me that which I judge about myself. Therefore, when and as I see myself judging me about what I say or do, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to embrace me in every moment of breath and to stand with and as myself in my words and actions. I realise that the personalities that I am judging are not real.

I commit myself to trust my process of getting to know my mind and of correcting me to become one and equal with Life here.

I commit myself to stop judging what I do or what I say as being wrong and to stop participating in the polarity of right and wrong that keep me trapped in my own self-judgement, self-distrust and fear energy.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in every moment and to assist me in being and doing that which is best for me, in unconditional self-honesty and self-trust.

I commit myself to change my starting point of self-distrust to recreate unconditional self-trust and to take responsibility for trusting myself in every moment.

DIP Lite FREE self-empowerment course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
DIP Lite on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DIPLite
DIP Pro: http://desteniiprocess.com

7 year journey to life Facebook group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/journ...

Suggested interviews on TRUST:

Respect, Integrity, Trust and Honour - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination 
Moving from Unpredictability to Predictability to Self Trust 
Can you Ever Trust your Mind?
Anticipation: Developing Self Trust 
What is Trust
In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal

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DAY 138: When the reaction becomes physical

The Characters I Play to Hide The LIE that is Me – by Andrew Gable

I have been experiencing an enormous reaction within me since Friday. The context associated to it has to do with issues with my internet provider and the lack of competence to fix the problem in a timely manner. However, the reaction itself is my own creation and there is no one or nothing to blame - I am the one accepting this event to take control over me, rather than me directing the point in unconditional self-stability. 
Physically, I have been experience nervousness, mood changes, tiredness, headache and difficulty falling asleep.

One interview that assisted me to understand where the physical discomfort is coming from  is the Reacting to Your Mind - The Future of Consciousness series, which I recommend listening to. Through it, I learned how I can take the emotional reactions in a supportive way to assist me in the process of investigating my mind and directing myself. I realise now that the physical discomfort is a gift that my mind is giving to me so that I can open the point that is triggering and feeding the reaction, through writing about it, checking the memories, thoughts and words associated to the reaction. If I miss this opportunity to direct the specific point that is manifesting in my own mind, that will mean that I will have to go through the same energy again to see the point again and eventually deconstruct it and change myself. A time-loop is not really an option because that means that I am accepting and allowing more energy to be generated in my own physical body to create once again all the thoughts and backchat related the reactive emotion. The point is here and now, so I will open it up for myself.

While I am writing now, I am noticing my eyes wanting to close for a nap - the perfect self-sabotage and defense-mechanism to not go into the deep layers of my own mind.

I order to open up the point, I will start applying self-forgiveness on the thoughts and backchats that I am responsible for directing:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react to the customer assistant based on the backchat that they don't know what they are doing and that they are not helping ME!

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and react to the limited internet access at home in the upcoming week.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define my experience by the lack of internet access at home, which I see it is of helplessness because I don't have a confirmation of when this problem is going to be solved and when I can resume my online participation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame the provider for the frustration that I am allowing myself to participate in.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed the myself, as my body, to be controlled by the reaction instead of me directing the reaction towards an advancement in my process and in my relationship to myself and other people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the reaction in my tone of voice when speaking with the operator over the phone, which I see it was based on an emotional reaction and powerlessness related to the lack of clarity and solution.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed the reaction to expand and grow within me like a virus, instead of me stopping it and giving it direction by focusing on finding a solution to the problem.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with the other person because she was not saying that which I wanted to hear. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on the external world in order to be stable within me, and therefore keep on feeding the reaction and blame within me.

I realise that speaking in a firm way to find a solution to the problem must not imply an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be heard and be respected is if I react and raise my voice.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take the internet issue and the provider's mistake personally, like a personal attack.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reaction in my thoughts is real and that I have the right to react when a service is not given properly. In this I realise that I am the only one playing the reaction game within and in my actions, and therefore I realise that I am fully responsible for the physical discomfort that I feel in my body.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on me to have this problem sorted even when they said to me that the department was closed and that only tomorrow they can look into it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having had this issue because I judge me as unable to direct the point of choosing the best internet provider.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that other people are more able to insist and negotiate a solution.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the backchat of having bad luck to justify the reaction, rather than seeing that no matter what happens in the external world, I must stand as my principle of self-stability and self-responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally to negative situations that do not correspond to the image of "how things should be" in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire all my relationships to be peaceful and therefore to react when there is a situation of disagreement and when the solution is not straightforward.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become part of the problem by reacting and wanting to project my reaction onto another, instead or standing as an example of self-stability and focused on finding the best solution, instead of making the problem bigger than what it is.

Self-Corrective Statements:

I realise that by desiring the positive scenario to play-out I am actually feeding its negative polarity, and so, I can take this opportunity to see how I am creating the polarity and instability for myself and how I can correct me by not giving in to the thoughts and to rather work with the physical reality towards real solutions.

I realise that I judge people as weak if they don't react and, based on this, I react in fury because I want to be seen as a strong and a respectful person.

In this, I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to be a strong and trustful person within me in every moment of breath, in how I deal with my own self and how I direct me in my process of stopping the mind and rebirthing as Life in the physical body and in this world.

I realise that feeding the reaction will create consequences in my other tasks because I am allowing the energy to consume me and this is not the best for me or to my physical body.

I commit myself to use this experience and these thoughts that the mind shows me to change myself in real time whenever I face a problem in my reality or something unexpected happens. I realise that the reaction against the unexpected (being it a positive or a negative emotion) manifests because I have created an idea/image of how things should be, so I am already establishing the platform for the reaction to manifest to any other scenario.

When and as I see myself imagining the perfect scenario in the mind, I stop and I breathe. I realise that in reality things take time and that such scenarios can only be used as a reference but not as a definitive outcome considering that there are other points to be considered and other people/systems involved.

When and as I see myself going into a thought of reaction and imagining me reacting to another, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to give me this opportunity to direct my mind and to change my programming of automated reaction to a stable communication, first with myself and then to the other.

When and as I see the mind showing me memories of people reacting and getting what they want, I stop and I breathe. By bringing this point to myself, I realise that I tend to respond in panic and quick solution when someone is reacting for the sake of keeping a 'peaceful' relationship and making everyone happy. In this, I realise that by participating in another's reaction I am actually being self-dishonest and maintaining the pattern of problem-reaction-solution in this world, which is not a real solution to the problem because a reaction is never based in common-sense but in emotional energetic charges. I commit myself to assist me in seeing, realising and understanding that the idea that people get what they want when they react is a belief-system within me, based on manipulation and self-manipulation that limits me, because according to my belief system, if I don’t react I am weak and the other is the winner.

When and as I see myself judging me as weak if I don't react to the problem/person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a process of walking in self-honesty for myself, stopping all the self-judgements and the thought patterns that create unnecessary consequences for the sake of keeping an image of "strength" and for wanting to "win" the case - therefore, I commit myself to stop the judgement of weakness/strength associated to the reactive pattern. I realise that such judgement is based on my own experience of perceiving reactive people as being successful, when in fact the reaction is affecting self and everyone else unnecessarily. I also realise that such competition is pointless because in a reaction everyone loses the potential of changing the pre-programme reaction into a fruitful outcome that considers what is best for all.

When and as I see myself taking the problems personally and thinking that nothing goes as planned, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the obsession with planning in the mind is an indicator of the excessive attention and energy that I put into the mind, rather than being fully present in my physical reality and direct myself in real time and working with what is here, without anchoring myself to the images of the mind of "how things should be".

I commit myself to stop the reaction within me, breathe, slow down the mind, see the thoughts and live the decision to direct my thoughts to support me in finding solutions to myself and, consequently, to others and to this world problems.

Recommended resources:
https://www.facebook.com/7yearjourneytolife
lite.desteniiprocess.com
eqafe.com

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DAY 119: Self-Forgiveness on Staying in bed

Despite my recent written commitment to wake up for and by myself, I stayed in bed today - this was a deliberate self-dishonesty because even if I felt physically tired I could have simply started the day slowly, but awake. Instead, I pressed snooze on my phone and let it stay in this mode for about one hour. The consequence was the rush and pressure that I put on myself since I had an appointment later in the morning.

It was cool to be aware of the reactions within me and to do my best in being efficient with the short time I had, however, I know that I can recreate a better reality for myself, stress-free.

The main point to look at was the deliberate sabotage that I went through in the morning: I was aware of my commitment but I did not apply my self-will. Therefore I will continue forgiving myself until I am clear on this point, I test it and I change:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this internal fight between wanting to stay in the comfort of my bed and wanting to live my commitment of waking up in self-direction. I realise that if I created this fight I am the one able to fix it. In self-honesty I see that my lack of self-direction to wake up was based on the excuse that it is Saturday and that I "can" stay in bed because apparently there is no work responsibility of waking up at a certain time. It is exactly in this moment that I see if my commitment is real and if it is unconditional. Therefore, 

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to live my commitment of waking up once my alarm rings everyday, including weekends. I have been realising that 7 hours of sleep is currently the number of hours that my body requires to rest and that after this time I am recharging my mind because I am feeding the fight of waking up VS staying in bed that I created to myself in first place. I also realise that regardless of the number of hours of sleep, the moment I wake up must be unconditional, breathe by breathe, in one decision - my self-direction and self-commitment are unconditional. 

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to create rush in my own self/body and put pressure on my body to move fast because I have limited the time available for my actions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separated from my decision to wake up at a certain time. This conflict within me reminds me the arguments I had (and still have) with my mum because I wanted to wake up early but my mum would insist that I needed to sleep more.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I must stay in bed a little bit longer because I went to bed late the night before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired during the day if I wake up early in the morning. In this, I see that if I get tired I can rest or stop for a moment since it is the weekend, however based on my experience once I wake up I am able to stay awake for many hours in a row.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thinking about excuses for me to stay in bed instead of moving myself physically to transcend the resistance to direct myself. I realise that if I move myself physically and if I am aware of my breath I will not give in to the energy/thoughts of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own indiscipline in relation to my commitments - I realise that I don't take my commitments seriously.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my commitment of waking up in the morning as I had planned the night before.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stick with my plan and to have accepted to go into a "workaround" justifying why I changed the plan and stayed in bed. I realise that I can make my reality easier if I trust myself and if I live the agreement I did with myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think "I can stay in bed a little bit longer because I can get dressed and ready in a rush", without seeing, realising and understanding that I am creating my own experience of rush/stress instead of standing as an example of commitment, dedication and stability towards myself/my actions.

In addition to the self-corrective statements written yesterday:

I commit myself to stick to common sense: if I decide something in the evening but in the morning I don't stick with the plan, in common sense I see that the problem is not the plan but my attitude towards it that has changed based on how I feel in the morning. In this, I am aware that feelings are not real because they change from night to day and feelings are not trustworthy. I also see that this is a mind-pattern of wanting to give up on my own decision and to take the easy way which is to leave the habits as they are, instead of moving myself through the resistance and rediscover me in my decision to wake up in self-direction, for and by myself, and start the day stable within me, giving me time to write and eat in the morning for example. 

I realise that by sticking to my agreement of waking up early at the time I have set to be the best for me I am re-establishing my relationship to all my tasks and commitments throughout the day, not accepting less than what I am able of doing with the time I have.

While writing the self-forgiveness I had this memory of a story that I read in the primary school about this child that was describing her morning and it consisted of waking up, getting dressed, having breakfast, doing the homework and then leaving to school. It was quite shocking for me to think of having time in the morning to sit down to do my homework, since my mornings were always stressful: looking at the clock, eating quickly (later in secondary school skipped the early breakfast), dressing on my way to the door and leaving to take a ride from my dad or a friend. My day has always started in a state of rush that I learned how to cope with so that I could be stable in the classroom and "forget" the morning run. It is funny that I am "haunted" by these memories and I notice physical reactions in my body while writing these words. Tomorrow I  will do the exercise recommended in the Journey Into the Afterlife and I  will focus on How I am experiencing myself in the moment I wake up and check what is the emotion associated and continue investigating this personality system.

Illustration: http://www.realbeauty.com/health/wellness/get-some-get-up-and-go#slide-1

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DAY 118: I Wake Up For and By Myself

So far I have been waiting for something or someone to wake me up, being it an alarm-clock, my mum, my husband, a near-death experience, a career, a trip, a motivation, a challenge... Always considering that something externally would make me jump out of the bed but never allowing myself to make the decision of waking up because I am Here.

I am grateful for having listened to the Eqafe series Murdered Death Research today to have a perspective on what it means to stand as the living word for oneself, because one is Life and must stand as it, not less. Today I stood less than who I am in the moment I broke my agreement of waking up in the morning. This was no coincidence and many points came up when I looked at the timeline of me staying in bed in the morning, the stress I created to myself, the excuses, the pattern of blaming another, the self-definition of not being punctual and the memories of my childhood.

When I finished forgiving myself in writing on my train journey to work, I realised that I was allowing myself to restart my day - I had dealt with my mind in that moment and I was calm.

Just before I go to sleep tonight, I am going to write my self-corrective statements and lay down my guidelines to support my practical self-correction in the morning.

When and as I see myself thinking to myself that I will stay just a little bit more in bed after the first alarm, I stop and I breathe. I realise that a distraction of a few seconds can compromise my whole decision of waking up at a certain time and I realise that the time I have defined to wake up is the best for me to do everything that I need to do in the morning without any rush.

I realise that by standing up in bed in the moment I hear my alarm is me living my decision of supporting myself to wake up and standing up as my decision.

When and as I see myself wanting to stay in bed as a warm refugee to avoid facing the cold in the morning, the commute journey and the daily responsibilities, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these thoughts are not real because when I am actually doing these things I can enjoy myself and every moment is an opportunity to recreate my stability in everything I do. I realise that no matter what I do it is always me in my living expression, in expanding myself and in recreating myself out of the mind of assumptions, of boredom and of comparison.

When and as I see myself participating in the evening backchat that I am not going to wake up so early, I stop the thought and I breathe. I realise that I am sabotaging my decision even before I have the opportunity to dedicate myself to test my decision. I commit myself to be fully aware of myself at the time I setup my alarm clock and I commit myself to be realistic in relation to the time that I give to myself to rest and to do the morning tasks.

I realise that the morning rush of being late is a form of mind-energy that creates a sense of a mission to accomplish but in fact it creates instability, survival and does not imply perfecting myself.

I realise that not waking up in self-direction in the morning creates consequence in my Process, as I am giving up on my responsibility to be Here in self-awareness and in being my directive principle for what is best for me. Therefore,

I commit myself to practice my trustworthiness in every morning by waking up and getting up when I listen to the alarm that I have set to a specific time.

I commit myself to dress something warm in the morning when I leave bed to make sure that I recreate my physical comfort everywhere I go and in everything I do. I realise that wanting to stay in bed daydreaming is a time-waste and therefore I commit myself to be aware of my responsibility to be and express myself here as Life and to grow and expand as Life. Staying in bed after I had slept the amount of hours that my body needs to rest is an indicator that I am not living my self-direction and that I am still giving in to the mind-energy of dreams, memories and habits of apparent comfort.

I assist and support myself to recreate my mornings for it to be a time of self-care and a living decision of how I want to direct my life. I realise that waking up in stress and rush is an experience that I created to myself but that I can change such experience in common sense and in finding a practical solution to recreate my stability from the moment I wake up.

I commit myself to continue writing on this resistance to wake up and investigate all the memories, definitions, fears and emotions attached to this point and I commit myself to continue on practicing my application in which every morning is an opportunity to change my relationship to waking up.

I commit myself to realise that I wake up by myself and I stand for myself because I am Here and it is my right to stand as Life, in self-awareness, in self-creation and in self-direction.

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DAY 113: The fear-cycle: why limiting oneself with fears that self created?

This post expands on a point opened up during the previous post My Pre-programmed fears and other person's fears which I recommend having a read first for context.

While writing the self-forgiveness, I had this image of a board game on which the pieces move forward based on the dice result. In this game there are certain "houses" that are forbidden or that have dangerous carts and these are marked with a red cross. Obviously I want to avoid reaching those "touch points" and so the game is to hope for "gentle" dices result that will keep me away from the danger of those places.

Since I invented this game in my mind, it makes sense to see that I created those forbidden places marked with crosses.
- Is this not what we do with our own lives? 
So now my "life" became this uncertain path with places and moves that I should not go/do based on the fear-belief that it is against me - however, I created it in first place! Is this not ridiculous? How come I have allowed myself to create a path/game against my own self, against my self-expansion and my future?

In essence, I am fearing fears that I have created and imposed unto myself in first place. I have created these fears in my mind in complete separation - separated from myself, my awareness and my breath. I have allowed the mind to took over my Life and it became such an automated mind-behavior that I not even questioned the fears or the resistances - I have been the one holding myself back. I have believed in the labels and "crosses" that I had attached to my path, some of them consciously and others unconsciously from pre-programmed fears (e.g. parents, society). Nevertheless, all of these blocking points are limiting myself and I have made myself believe that these limitations were me.

Instead of hoping the dices to give me a "nice result", it now makes sense to me that what I can and must do is to clean these crosses out of the way, meaning, to look at the board game and investigate why I put those forbidden labels in first place, understand where the fears came from and what was the transcendence I feared to face in those checkpoints. It is apparently easy to go with the flow of the mind because we can blame everything and everyone, including the dices result. But we know what we are doing to ourselves therefore, I commit myself to stand as my directive principle in whatever move I take.

There is so much more to play and expand in me/through me that getting stuck in my own created fears of the mind is unacceptable and a waste of me/LIFE.


Platform to start facing one's fears with specific support and structure: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

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DAY 112: My Pre-programmed fears and other person's fears

Recently I was having a conversation with someone very close to me and I said that I was taking care of the horses, which is something new to me and to the other person. I was enthusiastic about fetching the horses, walking next to them, giving them a carrot, checking ticks, preparing their bed, water and food. I noticed that even though the other was glad to hear the cool things I have been doing, there was preoccupation and one thing that the person said to me was "don't forget the horses also bite". In that moment I went into a small reaction of "hey, don't worry, they are ok. You don't have to think about that". Within me, however, I was angry because I thought that the other was passing me a new fear for me to deal with. So my starting point was to actually accept the words as an image of me being bitten and therefore the fear got accepted within me. This was so quick that I did not even questioned myself, until I spoke about this with a Destonian, also walking the Journey to Life Process. Through our conversation I realised that the other did not necessarily pass me the fear - I was the one not directing the information I was receiving.

I can now see that the relationship that I have with the person that is close to me has been one of "father and daughter", meaning, I hear the other and most of the times I don't question that information because I believe that it is for my own good that I should keep it and use it as a protection. This is obviously not a learning process but more like a survival toolkit of advices that I should keep. At the same time, there is a belief that if I don't hear to this person, something bad will happen exactly because I did not consider those fears. But who said that the fears protect me? The fears limit me from doing certain things and that does not mean that I am not harming myself already - the stress that the fears energy produce, the constant survival mode, the images that I create based on these ideas do create consequence in my reality, inside my physical body and externally by being unaware of myself here.

So why couldn't I direct another person's comment about the horses? I simply did not consider this to be possible because so far I have been accumulating information as fears: mines (pre-programmed fears) and from others. Both types are part of my process - the process within myself/mind and the interrelational process. The latter is based on my relationship to others and how I direct myself in those circumstances. I realise that when I am having a conversation with another I am as responsible for the words I speak as for the words I listen - meaning, if another tells me about their ideas about what horses do, I am responsible for dealing with any reaction that come up within me and to direct the information. If I see that I am starting to create a fear based on the other's experience, I am responsible for stopping and not accepting nor allowing the fear within me. I can stand stable within me, look at that fear and decide within me that this fear is unacceptable and that I do not allow that fear in/as me. I can also forgive the emotional reaction and forgive any visualisation that I have created based on the persons comments.

In addition to this, I can share with another my experience with the horses and show to the other that his idea about the horses is limited to his experience or knowledge but that from my physical reality with dealing with the horses they have not bitten and will not necessarily going to bite me. There are so many variables for an animal to potentially harm a person that the fear will do nothing but to create separation, first within me (by existing in a fear dimension) and then towards the horse (separated from my awareness in this physical reality).

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept the fear that someone tells me (e.g the fear of being bitten by a horse) when in fact this fear is simply information that I have accepted and allowed to become part of my fears list, instead of taking responsibility for my acceptances and allowances on first place.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to breathe and consider that the fear that I am listening from another does not correspond to my real experience with the horses and therefore I forgive myself for adopting another's fear as mine.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to disregard my reality of dealing with the horses without any bites but instead accept the fear of another's reality that is not dealing with the horses whatsoever.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that fears are real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears "taught" by parents are true based on the belief that, if I don't hear them, something bad is going to happen and they will tell me: "see, I told you that it could happen".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to "convert" the information I hear from another person into a fear, instead cross-referencing that information with my reality and not accepting it to become a fear within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless towards the fear when in fact the fear is an acceptance that I am responsible for.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept the fear of being bitten by a horse to be something that will happen to me, when in fact a fear is an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use the fears as a certainty of what could happen (predicting the future based on the fears knowledge existing in my mind) instead having my presence in real time as my reference for self-creation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed fears to take over me, meaning, to consume my self-expression and liveliness in the moment.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for directing the information received from another and realising that the fear is unacceptable to exist in first place and to control who I am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that fears are real simply because the fears are based on a memory which in my mind is so clear that I project unto my reality. In this case, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept another's comment about the horses as a prediction of what will happen just because that same person once told about a cat that attacked my aunt. I realise that in my mind I associated this memory of a cat attacking my aunt and projected as the idea of a horse biting me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's comments and limit my action by fearing to be close to the horses.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am bitten that is a punishment because I should have listened to the person's fear. Here I realise that the idea of the horse biting me is a form of control in my mind and that I also use the idea that the other person will be disappointed at me as an excuse to not stop the fear.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself listening to another and realising that a fear is starting to build up within my chest (which starts to feel tightened), I stop, I breathe and I decide within myself that the fear (e.g. being bitten by a horse) is unacceptable to exist within me and to control my reality.

Instead of reacting towards another person's words, I direct it as what it is and I take responsibility for any reaction or fear that come up and I forgive myself for creating instability within me.

I realise that I am responsible for every single acceptance and allowance within myself, which includes all the fears' list that I have defined me as. I also realise that I have created myself based on these beliefs and ideas about me which is not supportive.

I realise that I am responsible for creating my stability which comes from standing stable as my breath, understand where the fears come from and become the solution/support to myself.

When and as I see myself accepting another person's fear as mine, I stop and I breathe. I take this opportunity to check if that fear already exists within me and I commit myself to forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear within me. I check what is the memory that the fear brings and within the memory check what is the emotional reaction associated to it. I commit myself to forgive all these emotions that I have attached to myself and to my physical body.

I realise that I am walking the process of understanding and becoming aware of my pre-programmed fears, why they exist, how these fears are limiting me and then taking responsibility for forgiving myself for this self-destruction. At the same time, by interacting with other people, I am walking the process of dealing with a fear that was projected from another that it might not have existed within me before. In these cases I can simply decide not accept the fears in my reality, breathe through it, stand stable and let it go.

I realise that by accepting the fear I am accepting limiting my reality because I am not directing me in self-awareness but rather directing me based on fears and therefore creating excuses and blocking options in my reality to avoid the fears that I have created in first place.

When communicating with another, I commit myself to stand one and equal to the other person and to share my experience in relation to that point (e.g. taking care of the horses) so that the other may also see that the horses don't have to necessarily bite. I realise that this is possible once I have stopped the fear from getting "installed" within me, by having said within me that the fear is unacceptable and by allowing myself to stand stable as the words I hear and the words I speak.

I commit myself to be an active listener instead of a passive one, and to bring other points into the conversation through sharing myself one and equal to another, without wanting to change the other but to simply look at other points that may have not been considered.

I realise that if my fears are based on a memory and on an emotional reaction associated to it, by opening the point within me, I am actually facing the fear in real-time and is an opportunity to stop accepting that fear-memory-emotion to control my reality.

When and as I see myself visualising the fear based on what the person is talking about, I stop and I breathe. I bring that fear into me, I check the reaction in my chest and I say/decide within myself that this fear is unacceptable. I realise that I don't have to have a reason to have such a fear because I am committed to support myself by being aware of my reality. By being aware of my reality I can be cautious in case I see that the horse starts to be violent. Contrarily, fears create a separate reality in my mind that limits my actions, my expression and my awareness.

When and as I see myself blaming another for passing me their fears, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am the one responsible for my acceptances and allowances and that regardless where the fear comes from (pre-programmed or from my external reality) I am the one to direct what is happening within me. I also realise that by directing it I am able to change my relationship to the fear, forgive the energy-emotion associated to the fear, forgive the memory associations and stand stable within me.

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DAY 111: Learning how to walk

Many of you may relate this expression with the Process we are walking with the DesteniiProcess of facing our minds and changing practically to become the best we can be. However, this time I am literally referring to learning how to physically walk with my feet on the ground. Let me explain: I have been noticing the formation of callosities on my feet on the external side, in the centre of the soles next to the toes and on my ankles but I always thought this was normal due to the commute walking, my shoes at work or simply because many people happen to have it. I also thought that the only way to fix this was by going to the pedicure and removing the callosities every now and then.

As always, mind assumptions should not be followed but simply investigated.

Here at the Desteni farm I was made aware that the callosities don't have to exist. So why on Earth do I have this dead hard skin on these parts of my feet? It was actually the specific location of the callosities that allowed us to find the root of the problem: in essence, the way I have been walking all my life can be traced by these formations, meaning, the dry skin on my ankle show the way I place my feet on the ground, secondly the lateral callosity is where I place the external side of the foot and lastly, the callosity next to my toes in the centre is where I find balance. The fact that I don't place my whole foot on the floor using my ankle, then my whole sole and finally my toes to distribute the weight has been creating these callosities as a consequence. Just like with all my body, I have been shaping it throughout my life and now these callosities are a reference in my process and that I can check to correct my walking pattern. It is "funny" (or actually scary!) that I never noticed  how I was walking with the side of my feet, in a slight unbalance. Since the body needs to find a way to compensate such position, the callosities are formed, working like a "natural" protection of the skin because the normal muscles of the sole and the toes are not in use. In addition to this, later in life other parts of the body would probably be affected and deformed, such as the hips.

How to correct this tendency? Since last week I have been learning and practicing a new way of walking, which should be the "normal" way: first placing the ankle, then the whole sole of the feet and finally the toes, giving me balance and impulse in each step; my hips are stable because I apply strength on my belly muscles; my back, my neck and head are straight, as if I an invisible string is pulling me from the sky; I focus on my breathing and I have my arms relaxed on the sides. I have been walking barefoot to feel the whole feet and this is very supportive to stand one and equal with the ground/the grass/the Earth.

I recommend everyone to double check their walking pattern. It has been an amazing challenge to change this habit and the physical correction has been very revealing: each step is a firm movement within me supporting my process of self-confidence; walking with my neck and head straight allows me to see things at a constant level; using the toes properly allows me to walk faster; being aware of my breath supports my awareness in what I do and where I am.

It is no coincidence that the word "callousness" means indifference, emotionally frigid; apathetic. This describes well the relationship I have been having with my own walking, unaware of my own body movement, doing it automatically as a robot for so many years and affecting my posture, my attention to my reality and my own direction. So the DesteniiProcess is indeed the best gift I can give to myself, along with the amazing Eqafe support that I am eternally grateful for. All of these materials and sharings have great impact in my whole life, through discovering who I have become and learning how to recreate myself, through self-forgiveness, physical correction, self-care, self-expression and in changing my relationships to myself and others.

 

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Day 99: Career anticipation - the fear of failing and the fear of succeeding

I realise that the energetic fear of failing and the constant need to fight for something has been working as a motivator, as a challenge and, after all, as a BIG distraction in my own mind. By this, I realise that I am the one holding myself back and procrastinating my own life, my potential of life and my time on earth to become the best of me.

This is a continuation of the self-corrective statements shared on the DAY 17: Inflating my career - tendency to make things bigger than what they are

When and as I see myself reacting to my own decisions based on the fear of failing and the thoughts of anticipation I stop and I breathe. I realise that these thoughts are not real and are not who I really are but they show me patterns that I must deal with, understand where these fears come from and take the decision to walk through it in self-direction and self-confidence to change who I have become.

I commit myself to stop fighting with my own mind and therefore to stop the reaction in me – I realise that the anticipation thoughts show me my tendency to complicate and to fear my own decisions. From here, I commit myself to trust myself in my own decisions and to recreate my relationship with myself, this time in actually taking decisions in common sense and then support me in living my decisions in real-time. I realise that the hope for miracles of god is an illusions and that I have the tools within me to make the best of my time on earth.

I commit myself to focus on my priorities and therefore I commit myself to direct me to dedicate my time to my Process (self-care, my daily writing, my reading of other Destonians, the DIP and my agreement with Joao), my job (financial stability) and my self-expansion in my contribution to the world system.

When and as I see myself fearing and believing that I am going to fail because I perceive me as not good enough for my own decisions, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the fear of failing is based on a bunch of perceptions that I have created about the various careers and that I have excluded my options based on this same fear of failing without even starting it.

I commit myself to not define me by my career, to stop the perceptions related to specific careers and to start looking at the professional activities as practical requirements in this world.

I commit myself to stop hiding myself behind a name or a career because a career is not more than me – I realise that everything that I do is me and that my success in my career is the result of my dedication what I am doing, and this “self-success” applies to everything that I do.

When and as I see myself fearing my self-success, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to not distract me with the fear of failure, nor with the idea of competing with someone or fighting for something, but to rather live my decisions to its fullest and to then dedicate myself to new things, instead of holding me back to the comfort of that which I already know. I see now that I have been holding myself by participating in the pattern of indecision, to the pattern of fear of changing and to the distractions of the mind, so I realise that by walking these patterns I am actually changing myself an changing my decisions, this time with a starting point of self-honesty, self-direction, self-correction and self-realization.

Illustration: Eqafe interview: Anticipation: Developing Self Trust - Atlanteans - Part 116 

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