DAY 103: Why do I feel embarrassed

I must deconstruct the moment of embarrassment to see all the layers under the experience of embarrassment  Walking it through self-corrective statements helps me to open us these layers within me.

This is a continuation of my blog: Embarrassment - Losing my comfort zone at work

When and as I see myself judging the action of speaking English in public as something too big and too risky for me, I stop and I breathe. In this sentence I realise the following: speaking in English is speaking a language, not more not less than speaking in Portuguese or in French; speaking in public is not different, or should not be different than speaking with myself or with the people that are close to me; judging something as more than what I perceive I can do is an idea, therefore, I can first do the action and then see what is that I must align in order to stand equal to that action - in this case, judging speaking in public to be a big task was my own mind-dictatorship telling me how to judge that moment and define me according to the experience and fear of being overwhelmed by something "bigger than me". Finally judging it as risky implies that I have an agenda to follow in order to stick to a certain image or reputation that only I invented to myself, instead of creating myself through my actions - is it not risky to stay stuck in my own imposed mind of ideas and fears? I realise that the risk is also an idea through which I limit my options and my own expansion. In fact, speaking in public in English is supporting me to stand comfortable with the language, comfortable with my own voice and making myself more clear to others. Speaking in public and outloud forces me to change the way I communicate, the structure of my narrative, it helps me to see what is relevant and what is ego, and I start enjoying myself in my communication in English, instead of getting frustrated with it.

 When and as I see myself holding myself back to the memory in my mind where I judge me in being embarassed, I stop and I breathe. Instead of simply accepting this memory as the only thing that was left from my past, I start investigating what is that the memory/mind/embarrassment and judgments are showing me what I have bee accepting myself to be and exist as. In this case, I realise that the memory of my performance as being the cause of failure is a manifestation of devaluation of my own self, whereby I judge everything that I do or touch as getting less value because I got involved. I also realise that the action of speaking in public was merely a few minutes of practically assisting the event, but the weight over this memory is the self-judgment. As the Eqafe interview also assisted me to see is that what my mind is showing me in moments of embarrassment is that which I fear others to thing of me, that in turn is a projection of that which I want to hide from others and, finally, of that which I want to keep avoiding facing within me. I commit myself to stop the habit of going automatically to the acceptance of self-judgments but to instead stop the self-judgment and support me to be stable in everything I do and to embrace my actions. I see that I would not harm me on purpose, nor would I deliberately decide in self-interest, because none of these "choices" are self-honest actions. So, if I think that others are judging me as less, I see that this is my own thought and that I must forgive me for diminish me in my relationship to others. I can only stand as life in this world if I stand for and as my own life and if I respect me as Life, equal and one with another being and all that exists. I commit myself to stop the attachment to the memory and to stop manipulating me through defining me as the memory and the accepted perceptions of myself and others. I commit myself to debunk my own personalities found when I investigate these moments of embarrassment.  I commit myself to restart again in each breath and let go of the judgments and give me time and practice the ability to know myself, to understand the patterns of my mind and to help me unconditionally to change me in self-direction in order to stand in oneness and equality and to be always self-honest.

Recommended Eqafe interviews:

Embarrassment: Is it Really so Bad? - Atlanteans - Part 107

Embarrassment: Embarrassment and Personalities - Atlanteans - Part 106

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DAY 84: The Consequences of Losing Direction

I have never been aware of the point of Self-Direction before as I am now. Throughout my Process of writing, forgiving self and discovering Self, I have been slowly but surely becoming aware of my misdirection, my self-manipulation, my distractions, my excuses, my fears and all of the luggage that became to heavy to carry with me. This reminds me of a Portuguese rock band singing a song about how quickly we find ourselves with a child in the arms, in our own bubble, as if our Life had not been directed by us. So I ask myself: If I lose my Direction, what is moving me, who is taking decisions for me? Is it the past? Is it the mind? Are the others deciding for me? What are the consequences of losing track of my own creation? In order to see it, I suggest looking at the world as if you were its creator - There you go - the consequence of Our Creation. Because we All are its creators.

Recently I watched the documentary about the WikiLeaks story "We steal secrets" and one point that became clear to me was the consequence of the loss of direction in their process of making information public. The lack of Principles allowed the Ego to play the game and the whole world loss some potential realisations about equality, about the need for critical education, about the interconnectedness of world events, the terror of wars and about the demand for people to become responsible for the decisions that are taken in their name. Unfortunately, the whole message got distorted and, instead of common sense and motivation to change laws/systems in light of the facts, it instigated even more fear and separation between the top leaders and the people. Stealing secrets to give to the people will not work because the people are not educated to understand the secrets, to understand the consequences of those secrets and are not educated to change that which is abusive. So unless there was a clear direction of the individuals and the group with a political statement of what to do with such information, the whole story would shut down when the spotlights ended. And that's pretty much what happened.

Regarding the loss of direction, there is a really supportive quote from Bernard Poolman, where he says:

Direction establishes the steadfastness of Self as The Here (Life).

But as direction is overwhelmed and get lost within the zombified humanity,

the physical will break up (death) and Self becomes to nothing.

Stand with the Direction of The Here where the Self Stand Alone

Because those that have already walked are without direction (directionless).

And Everyone comes to Earth as the Answer (when you are born you are given Life) but Who will live the Answer Here?

Looking at the 26 years of my existence, I can see some phases and moments in my life where I lost my direction and deviated from my decisions and commitments and had no Principles within me. The consequences became the pattern of self-distrust, the fear of disappointing others, the separation within me and the need to fit an image of success in the system. My direction became separated from me because I allowed my thoughts to control me and I never stood for the Life Principles of Self-honesty, Oneness, Equality and Common Sense.

So the first step is to embrace this realisation which will certainly start kicking our asses to become real and aware of what is going on Here. Self-forgiveness comes in to not allow the overwhelmingness of the mind to discourage us to continue walking and to NEVER accept the deal of "it is too late" or "who am I to change this". As the creators, we will forgive ourselves for what we have allowed and accepted to create, participate and feed in this world. Even those points that we apparently think have nothing to do with us, in the end we will see that we are interconnected and that ALL my thoughts must change. The point Here is to realise that one will not change the world, but that changing oneself will change one's world and consequently will change every step that one takes on earth and every decision that contributes to how the world operates.

The second step is the commitment to recreate our creation in a different way. We see the problem = we know the solution. This is where the self-corrective statements are beneficial because, in each sentence, we are establishing an agreement of change within us and we truly take on the responsibility to change ourselves in our thoughts, words and actions, to start honoring/Being Life.

Finally, the ultimate Self-Direction is manifested in Living each and every single point in self-correction. There are no excuses to continue the mess in our minds, the chaos in the world, the self-dishonesty, the inequality and the abuse- We Know IT. As Bernard Poolman said: "The consequence of abuse is upon you in a single breath, yet it took many breaths of abuse in its creation. The correction of the consequence will take many more breaths than what it took in its creation. Many give up before they begin." So I ask Myself: Are we waiting for someone or something else to direct us? Are we that slaves? Or are we going to take on our inherited responsibility to take care of this Earth as ourselves, all Equally Here, walking in the Same Direction towards what is Best For All Life?

"Do not judge yourself for mistakes. You cannot make mistakes because if you walk...It’s not a mistake: it’s you correcting yourself. Get feedback and then change." Bernard Poolman

For more support, join the Desteni Forum, read the blogs, watch the videos, read the material and start this journey.

Illustration: SELF DISCOVERY - Available at andrewgableart.com

http://andrewgableart.com/store/self-discovery-original-drawing/

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