DAY 121: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way?

The following points opened up after writing and re-reading the previous post: "DAY 40: From attention seeker to self-expression". 

When and as I see myself judging what I say based on the idea that the other person is judging me as an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. This "attention-seeking" definition reminds me when as a kid I started to show what I could do, but I realise that I was actually taking the other person's comment of "here you are showing off" as an attack against myself! Instead of taking the thought or even the comment personally, I commit myself to look within me at the starting point for me to share myself or share a story or show something to another.

I now see and I start realising that this judgment of being an attention-seeker is in itself a limitation, because I am "killing" my self-expression or any potential for expansion or realisation in that moment while I am communicating with another. Therefore, when and as I see myself going into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker or showing-off, I stop , I breathe and I check within me what is the starting point of what I am saying or doing. Instead of going immediately into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker, I accept and allow myself to correct my starting point and to stand in self-honesty, in self-support, equal and one with the other that is listening me and speaking to me.

When and as I see myself defining me as something that is clearly creating limitation in my reality and in my relationship to what I do and to other people, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself to realise that the self-definition became my acceptances and allowances, but that this is not unchangeable! I realise that the comfort and the perceived stability that the self-judgment brings is not real but I haven't allowed myself to be or do something differently.

I realise that, just like this world system, I got used to certain rules and beliefs because I never heard or saw something different, but that does not mean that the way things are is the best way (it clearly isn't, based on the inequality and lack of common sense that exists in this world system). The same applies to my process: if I see that the self-definitions, the self-judgments and the fears are limiting me, why would I continue attached to it? Why do I fear to step forward and walk in self-initiative to change my own relation to myself?

When and as I see myself judging the way I communicate and the way I express myself as seeking for attention, I stop and I breathe. In this moment, I can ask myself: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way? Am I being unconditional in my expression with another or am I waiting to have something back, either a comment or a look of acceptance? I realise that who I am with others must be one and equal to who I am within me, based on the same principles, motivation and self-correction.

When and as I see myself suppressing my expression, my voice and my movement based on the thought that someone is watching me and judging  me, I stop and I breathe. I assist and support myself to see that the judgment already existed within me and that I am accessing  a mind-system through another, in a projection of my own mind. In this, I commit myself to stop the thought that I am being judged by another and I bring this point to myself to see how I am judging my own body movement, voice and actions.

When and as I see myself judging my voice, my behavior and even my clothes as childish, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a self-definition that I have believed myself to be but that I never took responsibility for stopping the judgment and actually enjoy myself and express myself in absolute stability and self-confidence.

When and as I see myself wanting a response from my reality to accept that which I am doing or saying, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my reality is a mirror of what's happening inside me, therefore whatever response I am looking for outside me is that which I am not giving to myself yet. On the other hand, when and as I see myself thinking that I am being an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. I assist myself to investigate the factor behind wanting to get specific people's attention, which I see to be related to the resistance to stand firm by myself unconditionally and regardless of what others say  or do.

I commit myself to practice my stability in my communication, by slowing down and by stopping the mind in the moment. Through this, I assist and support myself to see what I am believing and defining myself to be, why I am defining as it, how I am limiting my decisions, my options and my existence Here.

I realise that if I don't stand for and by myself my expression will be reduced to my mind (world mind) of accepted and allowed do's don'ts, self-judgments and self-limitations.

I will continue investigating and writing about this point.

Artwork: "CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable

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DAY 101: My own entertainment - The addiction to the energy of the mind

Today I finally saw something that has been disregarded in a very naive way lol. You know when something is always there but you have never noticed? Well, this is what has been happening as my blindness towards the mind, and more specifically, the way I have been feeding the mind ALL THE TIME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. How? Through the energy in the form of emotions, of anxiety, of fear, of distrust, of feelings, of love, of sadness, of despair, of desire, of hope, of regret, of impatience, of anticipation, of expectations, of blame, of guilt, of jealousy, of reaction, of comparison, of anger, of hate, of imagination, of exhaustion, of positive, of negative, of happiness, of judgement, of distraction.

So, yesterday I was almost blaming the TV series for my entertainment but today I see what is really happening: the real entertainment happens inside me in my relationship with my own mind and the addiction to the energy generated by and for the mind. This self-slavery is the ultimate self-deception and this realisation is just the beginning of the process that I am walking. I am, for the first time, aware that all these emotions and energetic feelings don't need to exist - or should I say, I live without such energetic emotions. The same way I see that I should be able to watch any series, speak with another, do anything without any energetic movement within me. Only breath remains.

This realization came actually from a combination of factors, namely the understanding from the Eqafe interview on Impatience and my experience tonight after watching the last episode of a TV series. I noticed an anxiety within me by knowing that I was going to watch the last episode: my mind was going to lose its daily meal of emotional attachment! When the episode came to an end I thought "Is this it"? And I saw that the energy was not real because it was not here anymore - I am still here, the energy is not. The mind is still here and I can see it more clearly when I get distracted from my writing for example. It is like a shadow that watches everything that I do. This must not be a big surprise: I know the mind because I became the main allie of the mind. The challenge and the process here is to realize who I really am, as Life, by transcending the mind.

While I am writing I can see the fear of dying right now - here is another trick of the mind: the ultimate fear of death as a tool to participate in the energy. So I teach myself to breathe and overcome the storms of the mind.  I stop thinking about death and I focus on my breath. I associate a realisation as an achievement and so I fear to "suffer" the negative consequence of something bad to happen to me. So the label of realisation as a positive thing must be redefined within me.

Why does the mind exist? Through this question I realise that I am actually blaming the mind for my slavery. So I can rephrase my question and ask myself: Why and how did I become the mind? Why and how do I participate in emotions, anxiety, fear, distrust, feelings, love, sadness, despair, desire,  hope, regret, impatience, anticipation, expectations, blame, guilt, jealousy, reaction, comparison, anger, hate, imagination, exhaustion, positive, negative,  happiness, judgement, distraction. That's why in the Desteni material we always see and read about the point of self-responsibility and self-stability, because this is what I must be able to recreate in me and become.

It is apparently tough to let go of a belief, of a religion, of an idea, of a dream and this is the resistance that I have created in my own mind towards the mind itself. It is amazing how ideas become so real in my mind that I am able to project them into my reality and live by it - of course this is not a Life, because it is a prison limited by my own imagination.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get excited with a realisation/understanding, as this is a point of energetic excitement of the ego and based on the fear of losing such a realisation! Therefore, when and as I see myself realising a new point or a new dimension within a point, I stop and I breathe.

I support me to stand stable within and as the realisation, because the realisation is not separated from me. I commit myself to walk through/as/become the realisation and therefore there is no need to go into excitement or fear of losing that which I already am.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the emotion of desire to watch a series is an energetic anxiety of the mind that I can stop through breath. Within this, I see that the addiction to the energy of the mind is not the best for me, because it creates a separate reality of nervousness and I am not aware of me here anymore.

So when and as I see myself going into the energy of the mind, either in the form of anxiety, of fear, of emotional attachment and of desire, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to breathe until I take control of me here, stable and aware of my actions out of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to avoid watching the last episode because I did not want to lose the energetic desire of watching another episode.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the energy of the mind instead of watching the series as it was initially my plan. I realise that I deviate from my objective of simply watching the story and move on.

When and as I see myself going into the parallel reality of the emotions of the mind, I stop the sequence of emotions and I breathe. I support me to remind me of what I am doing and I help me to be aware of when I slip into the mind of imagination, anticipation, fear and emotions in order to stabilise myself more efficiently and with less consequence.

When and as I see myself going into the imagination of the mind and the images of the mind, I stop and I breathe. I see that these images are not real, that are memories and that I can only use them as a reference to see what I must stop within me - what are the preoccupations that move in my mind?, what are the thoughts that I am distracted with?, what are the fears that I project unto myself? What is the consequence that I am creating by being distracted of my own reality?

I commit myself to support me in seeing my own mind and to dedicate myself to correct me, to clarify the memories, to understand the fears and to stop me from participating in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that this process is a radical process and that my realisations will bring some immediate changes - I realise that I must walk point by point and that I must apply each and every single realisation in real-time until I face each and every pattern where I have been enslaving myself. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to move on in my own process and to change me. I realise that this fear of the unknown is an idea that is not real - I also realise that the mind is not the best for me and therefore I must practice myself in self-awareness, I must practice my breathing, practice stopping the mind and practicing solutions in my real life.

When and as I see myself navigating in the mind of memories, of images, of beliefs, I stop this self-entertainment and I breathe. I realise that I must be my own cure because I am the one feeding this addiction to the energy of the mind. I commit myself to focus on my breath until I am back to this reality and I restart my actions in self-awareness and self-correction.

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DAY 92: Quantum Suicide and Quantum Life

Third Contact movie

This year I have had the opportunity to see the questions of life and death projected into the screens and scripts of two featured movies: one of them was the documentary The Act of Killing, and most recently, the thriller Third Contact. Today I will explore points that I realised while watching the latter.

This low budget movie touches upon the issues of bipolarity, depression, immortality, life after death, memories, past lives and traumas through visual communication and interlinked stories of the characters that we come across. This blog post is not so much a movie review but rather my sharing of the points that came up while watching it. At some point, I thought: what if that person (or someone going through the same mental turbulence) was to apply self-forgiveness on the memories of the mind, on the anger, on the sadness, on the experience that one is creating to oneself and others, on the past, on the self-definitions, the multiple personalities, the fears and on thoughts that are against oneself? Would this not be a form of re-birth? Are we not all desiring to kill the thoughts in our own minds that keeps us going on in circles and ultimately our own physical death?

I found that it is not a coincidence that the image of suicide is often related to bullet in the head, not in the heart - one is actually killing the mind, the thoughts, the addictions that we have never been educated to deal with. The heart is the physical organ that distribute the blood and the oxygen throughout the body, the same with the lungs that feel the body with the air we breathe, however, none of these organs are associated to suicide, because these are not supposed to be stopped while they are functionally working! Why would a human being kill its own body when is fully functional and healthy? Nevertheless, the body will stop working when the mind takes control. This has to do with our own acceptances and allowances, our misdirection and our distractions that keeps us away from our own self-honesty as Life. So, the act of suicide that pops up in the mind appears to be a "solution" to a Life that was never fully lived.

Back to the movie Third Contact, were these deaths real? Or was it the end of the personalities? Or even the end of memories that hold people back?  How would life be if we were to let go of the past?

I then considered that a quantum life, lived in every moment of breath, consists of a quantum death of personalities that must be cleared if we are to know ourselves.

Our physical existence allows us to birth in every breath we take, and to die in every out-breath. An opportunity to change who we have been so far. And I agree with the quote from the film, where she said: "Your concept of death is outdated", because at least for the majority of the people in the developed countries, death is not a consequence of physical hunger, or lack of healthcare or even physical abuse against human rights. Death here can appear as the idea of the mind that one cannot stand anymore, or that one does not have strength to face the problems in Life, or that one is emotionally fragile due to the end of a relationship, or that the loss of money took away one's pride and therefore life does not make sense in that person's mind.

For others, it is actually the concept of Life that has been disregarded and needs to be recreated - those are the ones that are starting to be aware that Life does not necessarily need to be a fight, or a struggle, or a proof to go to heaven, because life on Earth should be Heaven for Every single being.  This is the group of people where I  stand and I have been realising that a mind-death is actually a process of re-birthing from the physical within the realisation of who we are and what Life can be. The physical death, when it is not caused by physical accidents, it's the consequence of the self-abuse from within, as the physical body can only handle that much... And as I mentioned earlier, the act of Self-Forgiveness is one of the most revealing tools that I could ever come across to help myself, to face my mind, to get to know me, my fears, to stop allowing the depression within me, the polarity of lows and highs of the mind, the excitement and the passiveness, the paranoia and the movies in my own mind.

The director of the movie overcame his own resistance by living the decision of making this movie. As he said during the Q&A session, it was a priority that he gave to himself and directed himself to do it, without procrastinating anymore. We can learn from him! It is true that, at some point, we cannot stand our minds anymore and something must be done. Considering the pre-programme of the mind, we will go through the same cycles over and over again, even repeating our parents' patterns, until we stop creating and participating in such cycles of thoughts and actions.

As I got older, I could see the patterns manifesting in my different relationships and in different situations of my life. I couldn't see it by myself - it was just impossible because nothing in my reality was pointing me to a way out. My religion in Portugal was not helping either, quite the opposite. My friends did not know how to help and I was creating consequences around me. I wanted to understand what was going on and why the patterns were repeating. Where were the fears coming from? I also wanted to understand where my accidents were coming from. Was there a god punishing me? Was there a devil punishing me? What was the common element in all of these patterns? Was it me punishing myself? Was I creating my own thoughts and fears? Well, if I got the questions and I must have the answers. If I was creating these thoughts to myself, I should be able to delete the thoughts. If I was killing myself in such a state of mind, I must be capable of rebirthing myself in full self-awareness and start again. I can see this now. I couldn't see it before I was introduced to Desteni, their articles, the interviews, the forums and the videos. Even today I still ask myself how the hell was I able to hear them, considering that my mind is so complicated and suspicious. So I realise that I am the example to myself: if I was able to slow my mind, to start forgiving myself and to let go of my self-distrust, then this is the proof that I am able to change myself.

It is interesting that in the Third Contact movie, people shaved their heads when they were ready to "die". When I shaved my head for the first time I remember to think that I never thought I could do it, because I was not ready to LIVE myself, free of judgments! I could see other people doing it but not me. It was easy for others, but not for me. It was OK for others, but not for me.. The same with making movies: I thought that others could do it, but I couldn't. Until I took the decision to make my first video-clip.

I thought that others could be self-honest but not me, until I started to write for myself in complete openness and vulnerability.

I thought that others could write themselves on blogs but not me, until I started my blogs.

I desired others to change themselves but never considered that I could only change myself - until I took the decision to walk the Process of self-honesty and go through my deepest patterns, secrets, paranoia, memories and fears.

I did not have to literally kill myself to start seeing this; I did not have to ascend to a sky/heaven in order to be in peace with myself; I did not have to create conflict with others in order to see change around me - because my change is coming from within and is then manifested in what I say, write and do Here.

My physical reality is an indication and cross-reference of my own Process, as within so without, Life within, Life outside, in Oneness and Equality. So my own ideas of life and death must be challenged, questioned and changed. We have underestimated the potential of Life so much that death became the apparent easy way out, when the majority of the suffering is coming from our own minds, and this is unacceptable, considering that we could be doing much better in actually working on ourselves and then working together to make this Earth and Life an enjoyable place to be. Aren't Wars the projection of our own self-destruction? Isn't Poverty the manifestation of our own greedy mind separated from the others? Isn't this world a mirror of our own lack of self-responsibility for our own creation?

The process that I am walking is a Quantum process to be lived moment by moment, breath by breath, point by point, while walking the various layers of the mind. When a thought comes up, I take a breath and check within self-honesty what is my starting point, where is the reaction coming from or the fear, and I focus on clarifying it within me, self-forgive and let it go, so that when that point comes up again I am able to correct myself and not give in into the cycle. It is amazing to see that so much of my time on Earth is spent in the thoughts and concerns of the mind that really block me to look at other things in this world. It is also fascinating that since I started to sort out my own mind-mess I have been finally started my Masters in diplomatic studies and I am more than ever keen to work in this world to participate in its change for a better place for all, through common sense and solutions that are the best for all, me and the people. 

Would you go back to the mind-paranoia if you were to discover yourself as your own direction, as Life Here?

Movies mentioned:

http://theactofkilling.com/

http://www.thirdcontactmovie.com/

Supportive links:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteni.org/

https://eqafe.com/free

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/SunetteSpies?feature=watch 

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Picture from: http://www.dailybeefcake.com/2013/07/02/bringing-third-contact-to-the-big-screen/

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DAY 84: The Consequences of Losing Direction

I have never been aware of the point of Self-Direction before as I am now. Throughout my Process of writing, forgiving self and discovering Self, I have been slowly but surely becoming aware of my misdirection, my self-manipulation, my distractions, my excuses, my fears and all of the luggage that became to heavy to carry with me. This reminds me of a Portuguese rock band singing a song about how quickly we find ourselves with a child in the arms, in our own bubble, as if our Life had not been directed by us. So I ask myself: If I lose my Direction, what is moving me, who is taking decisions for me? Is it the past? Is it the mind? Are the others deciding for me? What are the consequences of losing track of my own creation? In order to see it, I suggest looking at the world as if you were its creator - There you go - the consequence of Our Creation. Because we All are its creators.

Recently I watched the documentary about the WikiLeaks story "We steal secrets" and one point that became clear to me was the consequence of the loss of direction in their process of making information public. The lack of Principles allowed the Ego to play the game and the whole world loss some potential realisations about equality, about the need for critical education, about the interconnectedness of world events, the terror of wars and about the demand for people to become responsible for the decisions that are taken in their name. Unfortunately, the whole message got distorted and, instead of common sense and motivation to change laws/systems in light of the facts, it instigated even more fear and separation between the top leaders and the people. Stealing secrets to give to the people will not work because the people are not educated to understand the secrets, to understand the consequences of those secrets and are not educated to change that which is abusive. So unless there was a clear direction of the individuals and the group with a political statement of what to do with such information, the whole story would shut down when the spotlights ended. And that's pretty much what happened.

Regarding the loss of direction, there is a really supportive quote from Bernard Poolman, where he says:

Direction establishes the steadfastness of Self as The Here (Life).

But as direction is overwhelmed and get lost within the zombified humanity,

the physical will break up (death) and Self becomes to nothing.

Stand with the Direction of The Here where the Self Stand Alone

Because those that have already walked are without direction (directionless).

And Everyone comes to Earth as the Answer (when you are born you are given Life) but Who will live the Answer Here?

Looking at the 26 years of my existence, I can see some phases and moments in my life where I lost my direction and deviated from my decisions and commitments and had no Principles within me. The consequences became the pattern of self-distrust, the fear of disappointing others, the separation within me and the need to fit an image of success in the system. My direction became separated from me because I allowed my thoughts to control me and I never stood for the Life Principles of Self-honesty, Oneness, Equality and Common Sense.

So the first step is to embrace this realisation which will certainly start kicking our asses to become real and aware of what is going on Here. Self-forgiveness comes in to not allow the overwhelmingness of the mind to discourage us to continue walking and to NEVER accept the deal of "it is too late" or "who am I to change this". As the creators, we will forgive ourselves for what we have allowed and accepted to create, participate and feed in this world. Even those points that we apparently think have nothing to do with us, in the end we will see that we are interconnected and that ALL my thoughts must change. The point Here is to realise that one will not change the world, but that changing oneself will change one's world and consequently will change every step that one takes on earth and every decision that contributes to how the world operates.

The second step is the commitment to recreate our creation in a different way. We see the problem = we know the solution. This is where the self-corrective statements are beneficial because, in each sentence, we are establishing an agreement of change within us and we truly take on the responsibility to change ourselves in our thoughts, words and actions, to start honoring/Being Life.

Finally, the ultimate Self-Direction is manifested in Living each and every single point in self-correction. There are no excuses to continue the mess in our minds, the chaos in the world, the self-dishonesty, the inequality and the abuse- We Know IT. As Bernard Poolman said: "The consequence of abuse is upon you in a single breath, yet it took many breaths of abuse in its creation. The correction of the consequence will take many more breaths than what it took in its creation. Many give up before they begin." So I ask Myself: Are we waiting for someone or something else to direct us? Are we that slaves? Or are we going to take on our inherited responsibility to take care of this Earth as ourselves, all Equally Here, walking in the Same Direction towards what is Best For All Life?

"Do not judge yourself for mistakes. You cannot make mistakes because if you walk...It’s not a mistake: it’s you correcting yourself. Get feedback and then change." Bernard Poolman

For more support, join the Desteni Forum, read the blogs, watch the videos, read the material and start this journey.

Illustration: SELF DISCOVERY - Available at andrewgableart.com

http://andrewgableart.com/store/self-discovery-original-drawing/

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