Today I
finally saw something that has been disregarded in a very naive way lol. You
know when something is always there but you have never noticed? Well, this is
what has been happening as my blindness towards the mind, and more
specifically, the way I have been feeding the mind ALL THE TIME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.
How? Through the energy in the form of emotions, of anxiety, of fear, of
distrust, of feelings, of love, of sadness, of despair, of desire, of hope, of
regret, of impatience, of anticipation, of expectations, of blame, of guilt, of
jealousy, of reaction, of comparison, of anger, of hate, of imagination, of
exhaustion, of positive, of negative, of happiness, of judgement, of
distraction.
So,
yesterday I was almost blaming the TV series for my entertainment but today I
see what is really happening: the real entertainment happens inside me in my
relationship with my own mind and the addiction to the energy generated by and
for the mind. This self-slavery is the ultimate self-deception and this
realisation is just the beginning of the process that I am walking. I am, for
the first time, aware that all these emotions and energetic feelings don't need
to exist - or should I say, I live without such energetic emotions. The same
way I see that I should be able to watch any series, speak with another, do
anything without any energetic movement within me. Only breath remains.
This
realization came actually from a combination of factors, namely the
understanding from the
Eqafe interview on Impatience and my experience tonight
after watching the last episode of a TV series. I noticed an anxiety within me
by knowing that I was going to watch the last episode: my mind was going to
lose its daily meal of emotional attachment! When the episode came to an end I
thought "Is this it"? And I saw that the energy was not real because
it was not here anymore - I am still here, the energy is not. The mind is still
here and I can see it more clearly when I get distracted from my writing for
example. It is like a shadow that watches everything that I do. This must not
be a big surprise: I know the mind because I became the main allie of the mind.
The challenge and the process here is to realize who I really am, as Life, by
transcending the mind.
While I am
writing I can see the fear of dying right now - here is another trick of the
mind: the ultimate fear of death as a tool to participate in the energy. So I
teach myself to breathe and overcome the storms of the mind. I stop thinking about death and I focus on my
breath. I associate a realisation as an achievement and so I fear to
"suffer" the negative consequence of something bad to happen to me.
So the label of realisation as a positive thing must be redefined within me.
Why does the
mind exist? Through this question I realise that I am actually blaming the mind
for my slavery. So I can rephrase my question and ask myself: Why and how did I
become the mind? Why and how do I participate in emotions, anxiety, fear,
distrust, feelings, love, sadness, despair, desire, hope, regret, impatience, anticipation,
expectations, blame, guilt, jealousy, reaction, comparison, anger, hate,
imagination, exhaustion, positive, negative,
happiness, judgement, distraction. That's why in the Desteni material we
always see and read about the point of self-responsibility and self-stability,
because this is what I must be able to recreate in me and become.
It is
apparently tough to let go of a belief, of a religion, of an idea, of a dream
and this is the resistance that I have created in my own mind towards the mind
itself. It is amazing how ideas become so real in my mind that I am able to
project them into my reality and live by it - of course this is not a Life,
because it is a prison limited by my own imagination.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get excited with a
realisation/understanding, as this is a point of energetic excitement of the
ego and based on the fear of losing such a realisation! Therefore, when and as
I see myself realising a new point or a new dimension within a point, I stop
and I breathe.
I support me
to stand stable within and as the realisation, because the realisation is not
separated from me. I commit myself to walk through/as/become the realisation
and therefore there is no need to go into excitement or fear of losing that
which I already am.
I forgive
myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the emotion of
desire to watch a series is an energetic anxiety of the mind that I can stop
through breath. Within this, I see that the addiction to the energy of the mind
is not the best for me, because it creates a separate reality of nervousness
and I am not aware of me here anymore.
So when and
as I see myself going into the energy of the mind, either in the form of
anxiety, of fear, of emotional attachment and of desire, I stop and I breathe.
I commit myself to breathe until I take control of me here, stable and aware of
my actions out of the mind.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to avoid watching the last
episode because I did not want to lose the energetic desire of watching another
episode.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the energy of
the mind instead of watching the series as it was initially my plan. I realise
that I deviate from my objective of simply watching the story and move on.
When and as
I see myself going into the parallel reality of the emotions of the mind, I
stop the sequence of emotions and I breathe. I support me to remind me of what
I am doing and I help me to be aware of when I slip into the mind of
imagination, anticipation, fear and emotions in order to stabilise myself more
efficiently and with less consequence.
When and as
I see myself going into the imagination of the mind and the images of the mind,
I stop and I breathe. I see that these images are not real, that are memories
and that I can only use them as a reference to see what I must stop within me -
what are the preoccupations that move in my mind?, what are the thoughts that I
am distracted with?, what are the fears that I project unto myself? What is the
consequence that I am creating by being distracted of my own reality?
I commit
myself to support me in seeing my own mind and to dedicate myself to correct
me, to clarify the memories, to understand the fears and to stop me from
participating in the mind.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that this process is a
radical process and that my realisations will bring some immediate changes - I
realise that I must walk point by point and that I must apply each and every
single realisation in real-time until I face each and every pattern where I
have been enslaving myself. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and
allowed myself to fear to move on in my own process and to change me. I realise
that this fear of the unknown is an idea that is not real - I also realise that
the mind is not the best for me and therefore I must practice myself in
self-awareness, I must practice my breathing, practice stopping the mind and
practicing solutions in my real life.
When and as
I see myself navigating in the mind of memories, of images, of beliefs, I stop
this self-entertainment and I breathe. I realise that I must be my own cure
because I am the one feeding this addiction to the energy of the mind. I commit
myself to focus on my breath until I am back to this reality and I restart my
actions in self-awareness and self-correction.
There has
been this constant backchat of self-defeat: "I can never do what I have
planned to do", based on the assumption that time is too short for my
things - is time too short or am I exhausting it with many plans and little
action? If I spend time in the mind in thinking what I will do, I am already
creating the experience of not corresponding to the mind, because real things
take real time. It is supportive to take notes of tasks to do but more than that is daydreaming - I am more productive if I start the actions, rather than thinking about it. 
