DAY 160: Relationship Patterns: Wanting to leave everything behind and shut the door... Really?

During a conversation with friends, when asked how I deal with the emotional build up in my relationship with my partner I thought of a pattern that I haven't visited for quite some time: the pattern of accumulating dissatisfaction until I reach a point of wanting to leave everything and just go... Actually, my partner and I have been pretty good at applying ourselves in our agreement of mutual understanding and never staying in a reaction for more than a few minutes - often ending with both of us moving through the resistance, stop the argument with a hug, honest apologies and take-aways for the future. However, in that moment sat at the table and honestly sharing about our experiences, I saw in the back of my mind this impulse based on an image that pops-up in my mind of leaving the house as a manifestation of not standing my partner anymore.

Despite knowing that this is a pattern of the mind and not actually the solution to whatever challenges we may face, I could sense an emotional tone in my voice as if trying to still justify this thought and believe it to be valid. In self-honesty, I see that this reaction of leaving is no different from any other reactions that I don't participate in (throwing stuff, swearing, screaming), the main difference being that my version of reaction only happens inside the walls of my mind. I never actually applied the dramatic movie-like separation of shutting the door behind me but this is what my mind is heading in moments where I see the same old-behaviours in my partner that trigger dissatisfaction within me.

When I was walking home, I looked deeper into this point and saw an opportunity to open it up for me and investigate it, once and for all:

• What is behind the desire of wanting to escape in the midst of an argument?
• What do I believe to experience by leaving my partner behind?
• Is it from my partner that I want to runaway from, or from myself? What does this mind-pattern say about ME?

I can identify in my childhood the voices of couples having arguments and also seeing people threatening leaving the house if things were not to change. This is commonly showed in movies and soap operas too. It is interesting to see that it usually comes after an argument or a disagreement, as if there isn't enough room for two people to coexist or as if there is an invisible wall that hinders a calm communication and understanding.

By bringing this point to myself, I wonder what is that I don't want to face inside myself and believe that it is easier to leave - as a point of powerlessness and giving up on myself. Even though there would be a sense of letting it go, I am actually doing the opposite because whatever is causing the emotional reaction is getting suppressed and accumulated within me until it comes out and starts building up again. Why am I not allowing myself to speak in the moment where I see something needs to be discussed, or ideas to exchange to find solutions, instead of believing that such changes will only happen if starting from 0 somewhere else or with someone else?

So for this I have to let go for a moment of the idea of powerlessness when it comes to changing our relationship for the better and assist another to see what I am seeing, for example a correction in relation to house chores, washing the dishes or any other routines that are often at the heart of the argument. I must also be willing and vulnerable to hear what my partner says, as it can be a great support and reference for my own process of self-change.

I notice that the emotional build-up tends to explode in moments where I feel particularly vulnerable (e.g tired in the evening) or physically weak (sickness or pain). It happens that in these moments my outburst is a call for help more than anything else - I need support and cooperation, and also a sense of equality in the contribution to the house chores, especially if I am not feeling well to keep up my own tasks. From my experience, our bodies are also indicating us a point that has been neglected either through mental exhaustion or accumulation of non-resolved emotions and judgments. So the dissatisfaction towards my partner ends up being a mirror of how I feel in relation to my own self and therefore a great opportunity to look inside, if I am aware of this inside-out process.

Another dimension that I see in this pattern, is the idea that I would not experience this with someone else different. It is interesting to see how my mind projects the dissatisfaction towards another in the polarity of imagining the opposite (positive experience) with someone else. Nevertheless, the common element in the alternative reality is ME and therefore, the likelihood of going through the same pattern with another person or ending up with someone with a similar personality is strong enough.

In essence, whatever I am facing in my current relationship will keep on happening until I transcend my own mind of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, perceptions and judgments. Once I apply myself in my own self-honesty by investigating the source of my own emotional reactions, letting them go through forgiving myself, then I am able to stand by myself and change my communication with my partner, the outcome of disagreements, and ultimately our shared reality.

On my next post I will share my writing of self-forgiveness. Stay tuned :)

Recommend resources:

Inequality in Relationships - Quantum Systemization - Part 78

Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments (Part 1) - Life Review

Walking Through Resistance to Hugging - Relationship Success Support

What Your Thoughts Do When You're Unwell - Quantum Systemization - Part 81

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Day 154: Agreement Support series: "Why won't he listen to me?"

In this post I am starting a new series where I will share points about couple relationships based on my own experience of being a woman and in an Agreement with my husband.

The question "Why is he not listening to me?" arose when I was trying to help my partner but he was closed within his own mind, not wanting to see the common sense and support that I was giving him. There are many dimensions that I could cover but the one that I find really helpful for me to understand is what I can do in such situations. Who am I going to be in the face of a possession of another?

By possession in this context I mean when another is reacting in a personality of righteousness and ego, of separation towards myself and not looking for solutions but rather focus all the attention on the problem.

There have been times in my life where I can see what another is experiencing and that I am rejected when I try to help: I am told that there is nothing that I will say that will help, or that I don't understand, or that the other wants to be alone. Until now I have taken such comments personally and ended up thinking that I was the problem, that I was the one not able to help another, and feeling powerless towards another.

Recently I faced this point and I was surprisingly stable within me, not allowing emotions to manipulate and sabotage myself. My partner was facing a big resistance to see common sense and to listen to the support that I was giving, but this time I stood next to him and not allowed myself to feel influenced by another's possession. I used to think of me as a sponge that allows other emotions and fears to penetrate into myself but now I see that the attitude of resistance and rejection of another is the green light for me to stand stable no matter what and to be determined in supporting another without waiting for an immediate effect/reward or success.

Despite this attitude within me, the next day, I wasn't so certain about my ability to stand stable and I could see my self-trust diminishing, as if during the night I had been contaminated by the words of rejection. At night, when we both sat down to talk about our relationship, something fascinating happened: my partner had reconsider his attitude, wrote about his possession and had written specific commitments to support himself and to accept my help; on the other hand, I had actually started to give up on my ability to help him and began to imagine that we would be better away from each other. During our conversation we talked with each other in self-honesty about our shared fears, our shared and individual goals, and about the emotional reactions that we both allowed ourselves to go into. During our open chat, my partner confessed that my words resonated with him and were in fact key to assist him in seeing what he was doing to himself.

Below is the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statement that I assist me in living from now on:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability to remain stable unconditionally despite of what my partner says to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the imagination associated to the fear of rupture.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless to assist my partner as if I don't know him anymore. I see, realise and understand that it is my responsibility to stand for and as our agreement especially in moments where he is not trusting himself to do so.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to cloud my awareness and stability with projections of the future that is based on snap decisions and imagination.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stand stable despite the images and the fear that I see in my mind.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to remain 100% stable when I see thoughts in my mind that are not based on the present facts but it is a story that I am telling myself and a parallel life built in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from people's possessions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by distrust and imagination based on the reactions I see in my partner.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that our possessions and emotions are real and to believe that the decisions taken in the mind are real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my partner's reaction and thoughts, instead of allowing myself to see the influence and to decide not to become it.

I see, realise and understand that I have first and foremost an Agreement with myself to be the best I can be, to trust myself in my Process of changing automatic reactions, and to recreate my self-stability for and by myself.

I see, realise and understand that no decisions can be taken of the mind because the backchat and the reactions do not lead to what is best for all: in fact, I see, realise and understand that such backchat is based purely on survival and fear, and so none of this is valid if we want to build a Life  that is best for both of us.

When and as I see myself distrusting my ability to stand stable in face of another's possession, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am responsible for any reaction, feeling or thought that I have within myself in relation to another being.

When and as I see myself imagining taking a decision in my mind when it comes to our agreement (or any decision), I stop and I breathe.

I empower myself to remain here and to not go into the mind of thoughts and imagination.

I commit myself to look at the facts in this present time and to empower my ability to see what is the best for both us, not based on emotions but in common sense and self-responsibility.

I commit myself to realise that what I see in my mind as my imagination is an automated programme that I am responsible for directing, for stopping and for changing in order to change who I am in the present moment and therefore my future.

When and as I see myself thinking that rupture is the only option to deal with our possessions, I stop  and I breathe.

I commit myself to stop the emotion and move beyond the resistance to stand as myself, to trust myself as life and to see that the entertainment of the emotions and fears is a point that I am able to stop in one breath and give me direction.

When and as I see myself wanting to be away from my partner based on the belief that I can't help him because I don't see him applying what I tell him, I stop and I breathe. In this, I see that I will not save another with my words and that I cannot expect another to change because I ask so. I see that he must be the one supporting himself in every moment and that the only way I can help him is by standing as an example to myself, by standing stable, by stopping the thoughts, the emotions, the fears, and by being present unconditionally.

I commit myself to give me time to understand what my partner is going through in his life and I assist me in taking part in the conversation from a starting point of equality and commitment to create the best solutions for both of us.

When and as I see myself thinking that the imagination is real, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to strengthen my self-stability when I am facing a mind possession by recognising that these images are in my imagination only and that I am capable of giving me direction to stop the mind and to remain always as the solution to my own self, to decide what is best for me and to give me direction.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in my relationship with my partner.

I commit myself to stand as Life when dealing with another's mind.

Finally, I commit myself to let go of the ideas, fears and imagination that I think about in the mind, and I focus on the present moment, on the information that is here and in my direction in taking decisions that are based on common sense and what is best for both of us and our Agreement.

* An Agreement is when two beings decide to walk the Process of investigating their minds to become aware of themselves and support each other to reach their utmost potential.

Recommended material:

Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self

The Best & The Worst - Relationship Success Support

Relationships and Agreements

The Power of Listening (Part 2)

Picture found on Pinterest.

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DAY 150: Are we in Agreement? Practical steps to prevent snap decisions

In recent years I have seen friends of mine leaving their partners because things didn't work - somewhere along the timeline there was an accumulation of distress, resentment, anger and disappointment that left no room for an Agreement. I am not familiar with the various factors that led to the end of their relationships but in my past relationships I have the remembrance of such moments as a bubble that can't take no more and it bursts. In those moments, a snap decision would take place - either to leave, or slap the door or say something dramatically as seen in movies.

The agreement that I am talking about is the creation of something that does not exist by default between human beings - it is an agreement first with oneself about what one wants for oneself, and then an agreement with the partner to stand for and by each other unconditionally.  You now see why I can't simply walk away from it all even when things are not working - in an agreement, communication, understanding and self-honesty are key, which prevents any emotional scene. Also, an agreement is a reflection of ourselves and therefore it evolves, it changes, is revised and is recreated when required.

My partner and I started walking this agreement long before we got married: we wrote down the words that we want to build our world with, we redefined those words to guarantee that we were on the same page and we have been building our relationship based on the words that are the best for us.

Now, as with any process of changing one's habits, one must be consistent and be willing to actually change one's actions and words throughout a period of time until it becomes "natural" and as part of the new "me". From my experience, women tend to be also more responsible when it comes to live a commitment and we won't accept less than that which we know it is possible*. In fact, the world of possibilities is very vast in a woman's awareness because we communicate more and we allow ourselves to listen to what other people have to say. It might not be with every woman but as I am walking the process with Destonians, women stand out in the group as more consistent in their stance and daily application.

Another element worth mentioning is the role of expectations in an relationship and how it changes in an agreement. What I expect from another in a relationship is purely a thought - it is an idea that more often than not only exists in one of the partners which will eventually lead to a miscommunication and unmet expectations. In an agreement, there are no expectations (or at least one is aware that such experience or projection is not real) - what we do have is written or spoken commitments about what we accept and allow within and in another.

Nevertheless, there are moments where the patterns escalate and the minds almost take over unless something is done to align our direction.

After five years of agreement I know that my reaction doesn't lasts for too long (no more than one day) and that I must do something to give me/us direction, especially when the same point loops over and over again. So today we had a very serious chat about our future. About how each one sees it and what steps each one must take in order to turn the potential into a concrete reality. It is not as simple as slapping the door...

In today's blog I would like to share my realisations from facing the temptation of a snap decision and in assisting me to stay stable. In this, there are a important questions that one must ask to oneself before engaging in an argument:

• Why am I judging my partner as less than me?
• Why am I judging my partner as more than me?
• What do I want for myself?
• Why do I react to his attitude?
• What is the thought that I am reacting to?
• What expectations have I placed on another?
• What are our options?
• Where is my emotional instability coming from?
• Why is my stability still dependent on another person, either negatively or positively?
• Am I using the positive memories to compensate the negative memories?
• Is my self-motivation genuine or based on an image that I have created for our future?

When it comes to images in the mind, I am realising that I rarely communicate or describe these to my partner - somehow I still believe that he sees the same image/idea in his mind. However, our attitudes will eventually show a misalignment whereby one's attitude will compromise another's image of the future without us being aware of this. 

The outcome that I would like to share is that conversations CANNOT be based on a reaction, otherwise the mind has freeway to put everything out, including the backchats, emotions, exaggeration and victimized that keeps feeding the problem.

Secondly, a conversation is open and flexible, so there is no point it sticking to one's argument indefinitely especially when is not promoting solutions to the problem.

Thirdly, the realisation that we are always and all-ways equal to each other. Any belief of superiority or inferiority, either felt in oneself or projected unto another is a perception that is not real. Who we are is made of the same matter and we are equally living our life process.

Finally, a decision does not need to be radical. In fact, it will take as much time to create a solution as the time that took to create the problem (either it being the miscommunication, the lack of application or the absence of self-honesty).

I must say that this was one of the most productive and effective chats we had. Now, it is time to walk the talk. As equals.

*Recommended interviews:

Investigating the Feminine Design (Part 1) 

Reptilians - Investigating the Feminine Design (Part 2)

Agreement: Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self

Know thyself - Free life coaching: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

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Day 70: An Agreement with Self - no more relation'shits

Amazingly, only recently I started to walk the process in Self-Agreement. What does this mean? It means that until now I have been trapping myself into believing that someone or something outside me would change me or change my reality.

In a world of mirrors, relationships are a reflection of the mess accepted inside oneself. Even though I was reading the Desteni material and investigating myself through mind constructs, I have been perceiving this process as separated from me. Obviously, this would not going to work and it reached an unsustainable situation towards my relationship with my partner.

We have been living together for two years and by that time we established an Agreement. We wrote down how we would be supporting each other unconditionally as self; how we would practically and equally be Here as self, walking each one's individual process, side by side. We also recorded our conversations saying how we would apply ourselves during the time we would share ahead. The process is indeed about walking the words.

After two years, we were still having a relationship and we have deceived ourselves in thinking we had an agreement.

"Agreement is not based in thinking, it's based in self honest practical living support of each other - sharing, respecting, supporting." Bernard Poolman

I was still feeding a relationship since I haven't established myself as an Agreement with Self! I was still trying to  change myself for others, instead of changing myself for myself, equal and one with another. Without realising, I was deceiving myself by going into hope and faith in believing that the situation would be better in the future and that certain points within us would simply disappear throughout time.  A relationship manifests the relationship one has with oneself. In my case, it was manifesting self-distrust, self-sabotage, self-victimisation and self-dishonesty. These patterns were then being projected towards my partner as blame, expectation, competition and unstability.

This is exactly what a relationship is based on:  to exist in relation to someone; to exist in comparison to someone; to exist as the connection with a partner, etc... However, this is not how I want to exist as! All of that is based on a complete separation and is not me as Life here in Oneness and Equality.

From my experience, relationships do not bring any good to Life neither to the world, quite the contrary: the constant polarity of highs and lows, the needs, the desires, the memories, the idea of perfections and the separation towards myself.

As Bernard Poolman says, "If it is about 'love' - then, you're screwed. If it is about a life worth living - you have to draw some lines".

And that is what an Agreement is about: "An agreement is a commitment to support each other for Life in strengthening each other through the support, to bring about a world that's best for all in living it as the agreement."

First, there must be an Agreement with Self. It is all-ways about Self. In fact, it has nothing to do with a partner. I am here alone, walking alone, as all. If I am not an example - I can't have any expectation towards another being. 

Am I Self-Aware in every moment? 

Am I applying myself in self-honesty in every moment of breath? 

Am I being an example of Life here on Earth? 

Am I pushing myself to face all issues of Ego that require to be seen and transcended? 

Why am I holding on to personalities, beliefs and ideas about myself? 

Who am I trying to cheat? 

If all around me in this society is a bad example of what humans can achieve, one must find support somewhere else! I am really glad that I have enrolled the Relationship course as part of the Desteni I Process. I will focus myself on working on the patterns of self-distrust, self-sabotage, self-victimisation and self-dishonesty which I have defined me as.  I am now on Lesson 1: Who am I in this course? focused on the difference between relationships and agreements and I already see the importance of the vocabulary shared in the materials, the explanations of how personality works and manifests in this world. It will support me to  really become effective and established in SELF-agreement and I will be able to identify when I am slipping into relationship patterns, and when I am living my self-agreement, with myself, and with another. I will work on my acceptances and allowances which I am responsible for. One thing is for sure: I know what an agreement is not! So now, everything that comes out of my application will be towards creating myself and in creating a practical life that is best for all.

"Place the practical points to be lived on the walls where you live and Walk It. Make it so visible that you cannot miss it." Bernard Poolman

Relationships are of the mind. An agreement is physical seen in actions and living and interaction, walking responsibility, discipline, assistance and support that is Visible.

This is the walk I am taking, for me as all. My participation in the world, in this blog, or when sharing my myself with someone is a manifestation of my Agreement towards self, honouring myself as Life, respecting myself and walking the words I stand for. Inside-outside. There is no middle-road.

When sharing myself with someOne, the practical Point of self honesty is: are both me and my partner participating equally effective in the process and if not - Why are you allowing ineffectiveness to exist?

Remember, it is all-ways about Self. This is the gift one must give to oneself in every moment. The result must be what is the best for All.

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