Day 157: Feeling anxious, stressed and under pressure is NOT normal

Today I woke up feeling anxious and I went into the experience of anticipation, thinking that I had forgotten to do something or that I had forgotten something somewhere the day before. There was also dissatisfaction by thinking that I had not been as good or that I had done some mistake the day before.

Then I stopped the thoughts and asked myself: Why am I perceiving me as capable of doing less than who I am? Why am I automatically distrusting my ability to do everything at the best of my ability and to not forget stuff? Why am I creating this anxiety in my own body?

The answer was: I am the only one who can stop the judgments, the automatic anxiety, and the thoughts that feed all of these automatic reactions. I am the only one who can forgive myself and let go all the unsupportive mind of old habits, ideas, fear and self-distrust.

I got up, I slowed myself down through breath and I forgave myself out loud. I forgave the thoughts, the imagination, and the scenarios in my mind that were justifying the anxiety and stress. I restarted the day, stable and in self-awareness.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed the feeling of anticipation within me and to believe that this feeling is real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine situations (often the worse case scenario) where I have forgotten to do something and to react even further to these thoughts. I see, realise and understand that by feeding the thoughts I am continuing the cycle of reaction-thought-reaction that creates additional anxiety inside myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me when I forget things and to punish me mentally for it, instead o seeing that the reason why I forgot things is that I am busy in thoughts (thus not present in the moment 100%) in the first place, and to assist me to learn from this mistake to not repeat it again.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that feeling anxious, stressed and under pressure is normal and that this is the only way I can move myself to do things.

So,

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and under pressure based on the anticipation that I have forgotten something or that I am late, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that the energetic response of reaction does not support me/my body and that it is not a solution for me to remember things or to move myself. I see that the thoughts of anticipation are automatic behaviours based on old habits and memories that no longer exist here and that now I am fully responsible for doing things/creating my life differently.

When and as I see myself feeding the feeling of anxiety and stress with imagination about what I could have done "wrong" or forgotten to do the day before, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that whatever happened the day before I cannot change it, however I can change what I do with the remembrances of it and I can also take responsibility for doing things differently from now on. I also realise that who I am in relation to my reactions is also my responsibility so instead of going into stress and pressure I commit myself to be the solution to myself: if I have forgotten something, I learn from it and I proactively find a solution to start applying now.

When and as I see myself judging myself for whatever I have forgotten to do or for thinking that I wasn't good enough the day before, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that these self-judgments are lies that I tell to myself automatically to feed self-distrust and that feed the stress, anxiety and anticipation.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of energetic responses inside myself and to trust my ability to stabilise myself through breath, through slowing down the mind and by stopping feeding the thoughts that justify the anxiety and stress within myself.

I remind myself that anxiety, stress and pressure are not who I am and therefore I commit myself to not allow automatic mind reactions to take over me/my direction/my decision to stabilise myself and be present.

I also see, realise and understand that the more aware and present I am, the more I am able to do things fully and therefore prevent thoughts of self-doubt, anxiety, stress and pressure within me.

{ Continue Reading... }

Day 154: Agreement Support series: "Why won't he listen to me?"

In this post I am starting a new series where I will share points about couple relationships based on my own experience of being a woman and in an Agreement with my husband.

The question "Why is he not listening to me?" arose when I was trying to help my partner but he was closed within his own mind, not wanting to see the common sense and support that I was giving him. There are many dimensions that I could cover but the one that I find really helpful for me to understand is what I can do in such situations. Who am I going to be in the face of a possession of another?

By possession in this context I mean when another is reacting in a personality of righteousness and ego, of separation towards myself and not looking for solutions but rather focus all the attention on the problem.

There have been times in my life where I can see what another is experiencing and that I am rejected when I try to help: I am told that there is nothing that I will say that will help, or that I don't understand, or that the other wants to be alone. Until now I have taken such comments personally and ended up thinking that I was the problem, that I was the one not able to help another, and feeling powerless towards another.

Recently I faced this point and I was surprisingly stable within me, not allowing emotions to manipulate and sabotage myself. My partner was facing a big resistance to see common sense and to listen to the support that I was giving, but this time I stood next to him and not allowed myself to feel influenced by another's possession. I used to think of me as a sponge that allows other emotions and fears to penetrate into myself but now I see that the attitude of resistance and rejection of another is the green light for me to stand stable no matter what and to be determined in supporting another without waiting for an immediate effect/reward or success.

Despite this attitude within me, the next day, I wasn't so certain about my ability to stand stable and I could see my self-trust diminishing, as if during the night I had been contaminated by the words of rejection. At night, when we both sat down to talk about our relationship, something fascinating happened: my partner had reconsider his attitude, wrote about his possession and had written specific commitments to support himself and to accept my help; on the other hand, I had actually started to give up on my ability to help him and began to imagine that we would be better away from each other. During our conversation we talked with each other in self-honesty about our shared fears, our shared and individual goals, and about the emotional reactions that we both allowed ourselves to go into. During our open chat, my partner confessed that my words resonated with him and were in fact key to assist him in seeing what he was doing to himself.

Below is the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statement that I assist me in living from now on:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability to remain stable unconditionally despite of what my partner says to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the imagination associated to the fear of rupture.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless to assist my partner as if I don't know him anymore. I see, realise and understand that it is my responsibility to stand for and as our agreement especially in moments where he is not trusting himself to do so.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to cloud my awareness and stability with projections of the future that is based on snap decisions and imagination.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stand stable despite the images and the fear that I see in my mind.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to remain 100% stable when I see thoughts in my mind that are not based on the present facts but it is a story that I am telling myself and a parallel life built in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from people's possessions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by distrust and imagination based on the reactions I see in my partner.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that our possessions and emotions are real and to believe that the decisions taken in the mind are real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my partner's reaction and thoughts, instead of allowing myself to see the influence and to decide not to become it.

I see, realise and understand that I have first and foremost an Agreement with myself to be the best I can be, to trust myself in my Process of changing automatic reactions, and to recreate my self-stability for and by myself.

I see, realise and understand that no decisions can be taken of the mind because the backchat and the reactions do not lead to what is best for all: in fact, I see, realise and understand that such backchat is based purely on survival and fear, and so none of this is valid if we want to build a Life  that is best for both of us.

When and as I see myself distrusting my ability to stand stable in face of another's possession, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am responsible for any reaction, feeling or thought that I have within myself in relation to another being.

When and as I see myself imagining taking a decision in my mind when it comes to our agreement (or any decision), I stop and I breathe.

I empower myself to remain here and to not go into the mind of thoughts and imagination.

I commit myself to look at the facts in this present time and to empower my ability to see what is the best for both us, not based on emotions but in common sense and self-responsibility.

I commit myself to realise that what I see in my mind as my imagination is an automated programme that I am responsible for directing, for stopping and for changing in order to change who I am in the present moment and therefore my future.

When and as I see myself thinking that rupture is the only option to deal with our possessions, I stop  and I breathe.

I commit myself to stop the emotion and move beyond the resistance to stand as myself, to trust myself as life and to see that the entertainment of the emotions and fears is a point that I am able to stop in one breath and give me direction.

When and as I see myself wanting to be away from my partner based on the belief that I can't help him because I don't see him applying what I tell him, I stop and I breathe. In this, I see that I will not save another with my words and that I cannot expect another to change because I ask so. I see that he must be the one supporting himself in every moment and that the only way I can help him is by standing as an example to myself, by standing stable, by stopping the thoughts, the emotions, the fears, and by being present unconditionally.

I commit myself to give me time to understand what my partner is going through in his life and I assist me in taking part in the conversation from a starting point of equality and commitment to create the best solutions for both of us.

When and as I see myself thinking that the imagination is real, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to strengthen my self-stability when I am facing a mind possession by recognising that these images are in my imagination only and that I am capable of giving me direction to stop the mind and to remain always as the solution to my own self, to decide what is best for me and to give me direction.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in my relationship with my partner.

I commit myself to stand as Life when dealing with another's mind.

Finally, I commit myself to let go of the ideas, fears and imagination that I think about in the mind, and I focus on the present moment, on the information that is here and in my direction in taking decisions that are based on common sense and what is best for both of us and our Agreement.

* An Agreement is when two beings decide to walk the Process of investigating their minds to become aware of themselves and support each other to reach their utmost potential.

Recommended material:

Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self

The Best & The Worst - Relationship Success Support

Relationships and Agreements

The Power of Listening (Part 2)

Picture found on Pinterest.

{ Continue Reading... }

DAY 151: A Pigeon and World Peace: Conflict resolution in real-time

An unexpected event has been assisting me over the last week to understand two things clearer in my mind about conflict towards something or someone: firstly, that I fear that which I don't know and look for excuses in my mind to validate the fear, and secondly that the fear dissipates when I get to know the "other" side and my whole behaviour changes, from rejection to equality, empathy and compassion.

Last Friday, on his way to a meeting my husband saw a little pigeon outside the house and told me to check him out. All I could see was a dark thing that had nowhere to go and in me I saw someone that had no idea what to do. I had been given the instructions to check him out but I could not even hold him! I could not stay outside the whole day so I decided to get my thick gloves and try to hold him - one thing I was sure: under my attention he would not be caught by the cat that was already on his way. So with my super gloves I got him out of that hostile environment and brought the little one home. If initially in my mind I was the victim of such a bad luck, now I was defending him in the name of Life. There was a massive contradiction within me: if on one hand I could sympathise with his position, on the other hand my backchat was telling me that it was dangerous to have a pigeon at home. I had no clue what to do and I was shaking inside - I was with a bird that I judged as dirty, smelly, probably sick, ugly and useless. This was my mind speaking but at the same time I could not leave him outside.  After two attempts of putting him to fly outside and seeing him struggling with the cold and not being able to fly, I decided to open my harms to this new unexpected guest. I called my husband asking for help and what he said to me was crucial: "Put yourself in his place and treat him as you would like to be treated".

So how could a pigeon assist me to grasp this? Well, the details of the experience are as relevant as the realisations thereof, but the important thing here is to see that the experience of familiarity and stability in the presence of another being can happen even when initially there is resistance to accept another's existence. Sadly, this often happens only when the circumstances force us to face the inner fears and when there's no choice rather than to change in real-time, step by step.

The little one that I once thought to be dirty, smelly, probably sick, ugly and useless became my best reference point of self-change. On the second day I stopped wearing my gloves and I could feel his soft feathers for the first time, I could appreciate his smell without judging it, I could look at him as who he is - a breathing being in this world just like me. The former experience of disgust was transformed into a constant caring, attention and dedication that has gradually grown. I gave him the space to know me and he trusted walking on my hands, the same hands that have tried to put him outside twice to fly away. I then realised that his life was dependent on me to feed him and that I was not giving up on this responsibility - this decision had ripple effects and empowered me to not accept other giving-up thoughts in other areas of my life. With this we have been supporting each other, each one in his own process here.

We notice a considerable change in him, from being depressed and in a state of hopelessness, to now being curious about everything, walking around new places in the house, opening his eyes completely and being physically stronger. He can now fly higher as well (luckily we have high ceilings in the house!) and once he is able to eat by himself we will see if he is ready to fly outside.

My husband and I are fully dedicated to this mission and the young pigeon is responding well. We give him food regularly as he does not yet eat by himself, (we test different mixtures of seeds, vegetables and bread to make sure he has all the nutrients), we watch videos on youtube and read forums about pigeon-care, we took him to the vet, we do flying sessions in the living room, we walk with him around the house (he is very social and likes to be with people), we wake up earlier than usual to feed him before work, we try to do shifts of working from home so that he is not alone during the whole day, we place him in areas where he can get direct sunlight in the house, we talk to him and stroke him. Another important element is to have a stress-free environment (for him and for us!).

The timing of this experiment couldn't be better as I am currently writing my dissertation on conflict resolution and investigating the neurological and psychological mechanisms involved in the perceptions of the "we" and the "other", the fear responses, the distrust and the dehumanisation of the out-group. By bringing this point to myself, I can now see that I saw the pigeon species as less than my species, as not worthy of living in the same city or even sheltering on my roof. When I look deeper into this resistance towards pigeons I see memories that have shaped this continuous separation - the childhood memory of being in the park in Paris and getting my trousers dirty with pigeon poop; the image from the movie Mary Poppins where the bird lady is in a dark setting, surrounded by pigeons that cover her and walk on her hat; the memory of when I was maybe three years old and used to go Avenida da Liberdade in Lisbon to give bread to the pigeons and I was scared of them and also tried to scare them away. In my mind I have associated pigeons with darkness, dirt, bad smell, confusion, poverty and irritation. I had no reference of anything else but separation.

But none of that prevented me from saving this little one. Who I am now and who I want to become cannot accept such inequality anymore. Over the last week I created the opportunity to redefine my relationship towards this pigeon and pigeons in general, to move from "them" to the "we", together sharing the same roof and the air we breathe. The simplicity of this micro-experience in my life can be projected into the societal and international divisions between people that define themselves as enemies, as opposites and as a threat to one's existence. Peace and reconciliation is possible, and it starts from within by living out the words we want to see manifested in this world, such as peace, understanding, respect, growth, equality

Finally, there was also the physical aspect of the pigeon - it is apparently not as expressive as a dog or a cat and at first sight pigeons have an intimidating look. It's a human habit to judge the book by its cover and missing much of what is here in this life and world. If I had never accepted this change in me I would have never seen the delicate presence of a pigeon, the preening movements to clean his feather, his response to sounds, his begging for food, his patience, his curiosity and his every-day discoveries.

So what changed since last week? I did. He did. We got to know each other and created a mutually supportive environment, where I give him that which he is unable to provide for himself and he assists me to be present here as nature. The giving and receiving approach is a practical way of living the word Peace, as perfectly explain on the Consciousness of the Dove interview, where peace exists when I become Peace and live as it in everything I do - in this case, through treating another as I would like to be treated and in recreating supportive relationships and a new way of existing within myself, with others and with the world as a whole.



Recommended Interview: 

The Consciousness of the Dove - Part 1,2,3

What does it mean to become and live the word ‘peace’?

Why is it not enough to desire peace as a way of manifesting it?

Why is it not so much your intentions, ideas and thoughts that influence your body, but your beingness?

Why are many people not aware of their beingness?

{ Continue Reading... }