DAY 141: Facing Self-Trust in Public Speaking at a Live Hangout

Just before I pushed the "live" button, there was a shift within me. In a matter of milliseconds,  I though that I couldn't remember what I had prepared myself to say and I became nervous inside myself.  I had to go Live so we started. There was a shift in my attention and my mind was busy with the fear of failing and not being able to express myself in English. The fact that I was already live forced me to push for myself and to live my commitment of presenting the hangout and do that which I had decided to do. I had two guests with me and I realised that I could barely remember their names, even though we know each other for long time. I wasn't stable within me and I was judging myself for that. Curiously enough, the topic of the hangout was exactly about the mind shifts, the parallel realities and the consequences that each one creates to oneself. This became the beginning of an evening of self-investigation and I am grateful that I had the support of the Desteni group and the hangout assisting me in facing the energy of fear that I have been postponing for years.

Once the hangout has finished, I gave myself time to investigate through writing what was going on within me. I looked at my week and the memories that were popping up. My self-instability had not been a sudden thing and the manifestation of instability during the hangout had been the climax of a point that started manifested a week ago, related to self-trust. Not only that, I was also using previous experiences of presenting hangouts to imagine my presentation when in fact that "hologram" was not real and I was responsible for creating my presentation, creating my self-trust and creating the present moment. Like it happened with Jasmine, I was using my past to define my present which caused this distraction within myself and separation from my present reality. This experience confirmed that there is no middle-way: I am either Here or in the mind - and in the end of the day there is actually no choice rather than to stop "living" in the mind and to stand in self-awareness in the real world, if I am willing to change myself. What happened after was absolutely amazing: my body was uncomfortable, I was feeling this nausea in my belly and I was having chills in my body. My husband started asking me questions as to what I was thinking and the word that came up was fear. Obviously, my husband didn't stop there and continued pushing for myself to speak, to expand myself and to not suppress what was happening within me. While speaking to him, I was actually speaking to myself, I was clarifying myself and going through the layers of thoughts until I reached the point of Trust. In that moment, the fear energy became preeminent in my chest and it was overwhelming - as soon as I started stating my Self-Forgiveness on the fear energy I burst into tears. The energy was here, I could feel it in my chest as this massive wall that I thought was impossible to transcend. So I kept on forgiving each thought and my attachment to the fear energy that I was holding myself to. Physically it felt I was near a precipice and I feared to fall. I cried even more when I faced the word Courage - the courage to walk through the fear energy that exists within me. Through Self-forgiveness I was able to release the energy and bring me back to Here and become physically stable. I was still feeling cold but no longer nauseous.

New points opened up in my writing and a new understanding of the energy fear became clear within me when I listened to the interviews Stop in the Name of Fear and The Differencebetween your Beingness and Consciousness for the second time.

I decided to share this point because it may assist those that fear speaking in public or doing live hangouts. The points I suggest investigating are the point of self-trust and fear and to not postpone it anymore because it will eventually manifest for you to face it. Just like it is explained in the Life review, whenever there is a resistance, there is a fear that one must face in one's process of self-change. Why wouldn't one want to change if our fears are actually limiting our expression, our being and our utmost potential?

I will now share specific self-forgiveness and self-correction statements that are assisting me in walking the fear and self-distrust manifested when speaking in public:

Self-Forgiveness on the FEAR ENERGY:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the fear of making a mistake when I am doing something in public  or when I am speaking in public.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the fear energy and with the thoughts fed by the energy, instead of focusing myself on the message that I am going to speak and in who I am in each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to become nervous and being unable to deliver my presentation because it is "too hard" to do it (=to face the fear).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the energy of fear within me.

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the energy of fear and through it create the images and the thoughts that justify the fear.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another person or event for the fear that I feel within me when in fact the fear is my own creation and I am responsible for understanding it and stopping it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear energy within me, in my words, thoughts and deeds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the fear energy towards the things that I do, instead of assisting me to investigate where the fear comes from and find/apply solutions to practically assist me, rather than feeding and believing that the fear is a requirement to be aware of myself.

Now that I am aware of the fear energy and the real consequence of distrusting myself, I commit myself to practice my Self-Stance and self-trust in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts, ideas about myself and the image of failure in my mind as I am aware that I am the one feeding the energy and thus the one able to stop it within me.

When and as I see myself participating in the images of the mind and the energy of fear in my solar plexus when I am speaking in public, I stop and I breathe. I realise that slowly but surely I am walking the process of releasing the fear energy from my physical body and that each moment is an opportunity to apply my decision of stopping living/being fear.

I assist and support myself to be patient in the process of stopping the fear within me and to not get distracted with the images of the mind.

I realise that going into fear is a self-sabotage based on the idea that I am not ready or that I can't/I am limited. I also realise that I fear that which I don't know or that I don't understand. Therefore, I assist myself through writing and self-investigation to understand the fears within me and walk the process of changing myself and giving me direction.

I commit and assist myself to direct me in stopping the fear energy and to not allow it to take control over myself and my body.

I commit myself to trust me in my process of stopping the fear energy within me and changing my relationship with myself, from self-judgement to self-awareness, self-correction and self-respect.

When and as I see the energy of fear manifesting in my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to stand stable when I am facing the fear energy and through this I assist me to change my relationship to fear, from fearing the energy to understanding how it was created and then release it through self-forgiveness.

Self-Forgiveness on SELF-TRUST:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my decisions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust my creation as who I am, what I do and say.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as a false and as a liar.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am lying to others. By bringing this point to myself, I realise that I am only lying to myself when participating in the mind of thoughts, beliefs and self-judgments.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have self-distrust as my starting point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be misunderstood and judged when I say something.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-trust.

When and as I see myself distrusting my own self, my actions and my decision, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-distrust is not real and it comes from my own self-definition, ideas and beliefs about myself.

When and as I see myself judging what I do as not good enough or not perfect based on an idea of perfection that I have in my mind, I stop and I breathe.

I realise that the image of perfection in my mind is not real.

I commit myself to work with myself in reality and in real time to perfect myself, to expand my self-awareness, to increase my vocabulary, to stop the emotions and to create my own self-stability and self-trust in who I am, in the words I speak and in my actions.

I realise that the state of self-distrust is a justification of the mind to limit myself and to fear leaving my comfort zone and to investigate new points within me.

I also see that the projection about what others judge about me is showing me that which I judge about myself. Therefore, when and as I see myself judging me about what I say or do, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to embrace me in every moment of breath and to stand with and as myself in my words and actions. I realise that the personalities that I am judging are not real.

I commit myself to trust my process of getting to know my mind and of correcting me to become one and equal with Life here.

I commit myself to stop judging what I do or what I say as being wrong and to stop participating in the polarity of right and wrong that keep me trapped in my own self-judgement, self-distrust and fear energy.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in every moment and to assist me in being and doing that which is best for me, in unconditional self-honesty and self-trust.

I commit myself to change my starting point of self-distrust to recreate unconditional self-trust and to take responsibility for trusting myself in every moment.

DIP Lite FREE self-empowerment course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
DIP Lite on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DIPLite
DIP Pro: http://desteniiprocess.com

7 year journey to life Facebook group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/journ...

Suggested interviews on TRUST:

Respect, Integrity, Trust and Honour - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination 
Moving from Unpredictability to Predictability to Self Trust 
Can you Ever Trust your Mind?
Anticipation: Developing Self Trust 
What is Trust
In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal

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DAY 136: Symptoms of the I'm not Good Enough personality

This week I came across a behavior within me of holding myself back in actually showing how dedicated I was in my task, as if I wanted the other to believe that I was good in what I was doing by pure magic. There was also this backchat, or should I say backdoor open in my mind about leaving things averagely done, but not in full perfection as I could potentially do.

I was looking at these symptoms and the thought "not good enough" came to my mind. I then realised that I was actually manifesting in my physical action the belief that I am not good enough, even though I had spent time training myself for that specific task.

So, why did I hold myself back? What is that I am trying to limit from my own self?

I decided to look on Eqafe for further perspectives on this personality and the Life Review I'm not Good Enough came up in the results. As soon as I started listening to it, I got amazed and overwhelmed by the similarities of this person's experience regarding the "not good enough" belief that she also had about herself. I took deep breaths to slow myself down and to simply listen to her words and be present.

What I am realising is the  following: not living up to my utmost potential is a form of giving up on my Self. This means that I am accepting and allowing myself to give up on Life, my Life.

The experience I had this week assisted me to look at the points of self-worth and my potential, which brings me back to the 1st principle  of My Declaration of Principle:

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

In my case, I see that the personality behind this self-imposed limitation is the belief that I am not good enough, either towards a specific job, career, relationship or even my own life style. When I first came to London I thought that this was too good to be true, meaning, too good for me; when I got my first job here I thought I had luck and through such thought I was de-valuing all my efforts in learning new skills, my time invested in improving my professional English, my self-direction in meeting people and the ultimate reward of a job offer.

A new pattern emerged when I started my MA and I realised that I was doing my assignments from a starting point of simply passing it. That's what happened during my first year, until I saw what I was doing - I was imposing a limitation to my own self by not going beyond the "pass" and to fully express myself and dedicate myself to develop the skills required in my field of studies. This actually reminded me some of my colleagues at school that would be extremelly happy for passing a test despite the low score - there are many reasons as to why kids don't have better grades but one of them is the belief that one cannot and will never reach a better position in life, which probably came from the social-economic environment that one grew up with. Imposing a low potential to oneself works against our own development and I saw that for myself in how I was using the excuse of working full-time, for example, to justify not doing a better at Uni. There is obviously the practical time and availability required to study however in self-honesty I can see how I was manifesting the backchat of simply wanting to pass. During this year I noticed the physical change in my attitude towards my studies and the self-enjoyment is extremely rewarding because I am going beyond my self-imposed limitation and I am directing myself to the best of my ability.

The questions and, therefore, the answers are inside me and I know exactly what I am doing when I accept less than who I can be.

As it is explained in the Eqafe interview mentioned earlier, the "Not Good Enough" personality is a cover-up of the mind that we accept and through it allow ourselves to be powerless; the belief that such thought is real makes us live such personality until we have given up of ourselves completely. Just like she did in her life review, I look back in my childhood and I could see moments where I have defined me as not good enough, especially when comparing myself to my sister and to other adults. At that time I did not have the tools of Desteni to realise that comparison was not supporting me and, even though my parents have always pushed for me and valued my work, I haven't done that for myself. At school, even though I had the best grades in the class there was still a dissatisfaction within me because there were things that I had forgotten and that I could do better. So now I am looking at a pattern related to the "Not good enough" personality which is self-distrust and lack of self-worth. The consequences of participating in these patterns have eventually manifested in adulthood like an automated mind-programme that manifests in almost everything I do. So I must support me to stop, look at what I am creating for myself and decide to stand for myself.

What is the resistance to stand for myself unconditionally and to respect me as Life?

In order for me to be able to know myself, I must investigate these points in self-honesty, without any hidden agenda within myself. I will start by scratching the surface:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of valuing me and telling others what I am capable of doing at work and school for example.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else is better than me and therefore I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not being good enough by comparing myself to the ideal of perfection that exists in my mind (projected to others).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the opposite polarity of imagining that I am being recognised by another as being great in what I do. I realise that the desire to be recognised by another is not real and that I am the one who is able to stand in unconditional self-support and self-recognition in everything that I do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by people's positive compliments and by people's negative feedback.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into powerlessness and nervousness when I recieve negative feedback and to go  into excitement and self-worth when the feedback is positive.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that holding myself back is the norm in the society because it is better not to stand out by doing things differently or to be fully dedicated to things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my full dedication to something or to a project based on the idea that perfection will lead to criticism and judgements. I realise that these judgements exist primarily within me and these are related to the fear of being excluded for doing things perfectly well and as the best I can.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge my work (especially during my school years) by comparing it with my colleagues. I now see, realise and understand that I was feeding the idea and self-definition that I must be better than them, instead of doing my best for myself and to make sure that I develop my skills to reach my utmost potential.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of having the best grade or the best salary or the best relationship with my husband or to become the best of me in my life. At the same time, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me as the grades or any other system evaluation - I am aware that the system is not based on fairness or equality and therefore I must not define me as it and I commit myself to stand stable and to know where I stand as my Principles.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to value me only if others value me, which is a catch 22 considering that each one is us is in our own bubble. I realise that my self-worth must be unconditional and based on self-honesty only.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise my work as an extension of me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the reaction of dissatisfaction towards who I am and what I do. I realise that I am trying to fit in an idea (like a hologram) that exists in my mind and that I get frustrated when I am unable to play out such image of perfection.

I commit and assist myself to stop participating in the image of perfection in my mind because that it is not real. I realise that the "I'm not good enough" personality emerges from the images of the mind and from the comparisons with people that I have perceived to fit in the image of perfection in the mind. Therefore, by stopping participating in the image of the mind I am assisting me to start living perfection in my own actions, by learning and applying my skills to the best of me.

When and as I see myself participating in self-distrust, I stop and I breathe. I realise that self-distrust is based on previous experiences and in the accumulation of self-disappointment that I still use to justify the belief that I am not self-worthy and that I cannot trust myself to change me. I realise that my process of changing my relationship with myself exists in every moment of breath and therefore I commit myself to stop manipulating my present and future based on my past experiences and memories which are also a manipulation of the mind.

When and as I see myself participating in the polarity of feeling ashamed for doing something perfectly well and for explaining to others how I have done it, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I resist to talk about my merits based on the fear of being judged as egocentric and as smug. However, I realise that these are the judgements that I have created about myself. Therefore, I commit myself to assist me in standing for my actions, to talk about my actions without any judgement and, if a judgement come up, I commit myself to look into it in self-honesty and see for myself if there were any manifestations of the ego and of a "show off" personality (which is also motivated by competition, comparison and superiority/inferiority). If such personalities exist, then I correct myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself holding off my potential based on the idea that I want to fit in the image of humbleness, I stop and I breathe. I realise that every definition that I have created within me must be redefined so that I can allow myself to expand outside of my own self-judgement. I see that currently every definition that I have created about myself is being used to limit myself and to suppress my potential.

Therefore, I commit myself to investigate and redefine the word "humbleness" in order to align myself with the words and to start living the words for the best of me and for the best of this World.

I realise that any judgement that come up in my mind is an opportunity to correct the relationship I have with myself, and to direct me from self-judgement to self-worth, developing a self-supportive relationship with my own self.

I realise that the way the mind works holds on to the accepted self-definitions and judgments that I have imposed on me. From the moment I unconditionally embrace myself and investigate where self-distrust comes from, there are no judgement for the mind to hold on to anymore. It will require practice and consistency within me to reverse my mind and to start living the principle of self-worth.

Picture by Tiger Talk Series

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DAY 131: How Hope Creates Hell

What kind of world do we hope to live in? Why are we holding ourselves back? How can we change ourselves and eventually change the world around us?
These questions are investigated on the Eqafe interview "How Hope Creates Hell" and I am sharing my realisations on this vlog.

I invite you all to check the following links:
How Hope Creates Hell
https://eqafe.com/i/jferreira-reptilians-how-hope-creates-hell-part-38

Free Online Course for self-development and self-change
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Economic proposals to consider to END poverty in this world:

Unconditional Basic Income
http://basicincome2013.eu/

Living Income Guaranteed
http://livingincome.me

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DAY 111: Learning how to walk

Many of you may relate this expression with the Process we are walking with the DesteniiProcess of facing our minds and changing practically to become the best we can be. However, this time I am literally referring to learning how to physically walk with my feet on the ground. Let me explain: I have been noticing the formation of callosities on my feet on the external side, in the centre of the soles next to the toes and on my ankles but I always thought this was normal due to the commute walking, my shoes at work or simply because many people happen to have it. I also thought that the only way to fix this was by going to the pedicure and removing the callosities every now and then.

As always, mind assumptions should not be followed but simply investigated.

Here at the Desteni farm I was made aware that the callosities don't have to exist. So why on Earth do I have this dead hard skin on these parts of my feet? It was actually the specific location of the callosities that allowed us to find the root of the problem: in essence, the way I have been walking all my life can be traced by these formations, meaning, the dry skin on my ankle show the way I place my feet on the ground, secondly the lateral callosity is where I place the external side of the foot and lastly, the callosity next to my toes in the centre is where I find balance. The fact that I don't place my whole foot on the floor using my ankle, then my whole sole and finally my toes to distribute the weight has been creating these callosities as a consequence. Just like with all my body, I have been shaping it throughout my life and now these callosities are a reference in my process and that I can check to correct my walking pattern. It is "funny" (or actually scary!) that I never noticed  how I was walking with the side of my feet, in a slight unbalance. Since the body needs to find a way to compensate such position, the callosities are formed, working like a "natural" protection of the skin because the normal muscles of the sole and the toes are not in use. In addition to this, later in life other parts of the body would probably be affected and deformed, such as the hips.

How to correct this tendency? Since last week I have been learning and practicing a new way of walking, which should be the "normal" way: first placing the ankle, then the whole sole of the feet and finally the toes, giving me balance and impulse in each step; my hips are stable because I apply strength on my belly muscles; my back, my neck and head are straight, as if I an invisible string is pulling me from the sky; I focus on my breathing and I have my arms relaxed on the sides. I have been walking barefoot to feel the whole feet and this is very supportive to stand one and equal with the ground/the grass/the Earth.

I recommend everyone to double check their walking pattern. It has been an amazing challenge to change this habit and the physical correction has been very revealing: each step is a firm movement within me supporting my process of self-confidence; walking with my neck and head straight allows me to see things at a constant level; using the toes properly allows me to walk faster; being aware of my breath supports my awareness in what I do and where I am.

It is no coincidence that the word "callousness" means indifference, emotionally frigid; apathetic. This describes well the relationship I have been having with my own walking, unaware of my own body movement, doing it automatically as a robot for so many years and affecting my posture, my attention to my reality and my own direction. So the DesteniiProcess is indeed the best gift I can give to myself, along with the amazing Eqafe support that I am eternally grateful for. All of these materials and sharings have great impact in my whole life, through discovering who I have become and learning how to recreate myself, through self-forgiveness, physical correction, self-care, self-expression and in changing my relationships to myself and others.

 

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DAY 109: Slowing down my mind [my Journey at the farm]

Today is my third night in South Africa, where I will be living over the next month. One point that requires my attention is the rush in my mind that I easily participate in, almost never allowing me to slow down and give me direction without any mind-stress. I can also see how I have been playing this mind-mode under the excuse that is the London's way of life, when it is actually my responsibility to change myself and my interaction with/in reality.

Being physical with other animals here at the farm has been very cool, particularly with the dogs and the horses. The dogs are always up for playing and I enjoy myself running around, doing tricks with the ball, hugging them and play without looking at the time.


My schedules changed completely and in these first days it was weird to have so much time to dedicate myself to my process: for example, I see a point within me and I can write about it in that moment, or I decide to listen to an interview and I do it in the next minutes, or I have a chat with another person, or I simply lay down to rest or read a blog.
 

Now that I have rested from the long trip, I am starting to help in the common activities, such as taking care of the horses in the morning and in the afternoon. Today I helped with cleaning the stable, preparing the horse's bed, the food, checking his temperature and looking for ticks in his hair. Interacting with a big animal like a horse really requires my full awareness so no time wasted in the mind. I must be aware of my physical presence as well as his presence, to make sure that I am safe and he is OK with me. A cool example is to check where my feet are next to the horse! I am not yet totally comfortable alone with the horse in the stable and I do see points that require correction through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, so I will walk these.

I have been attending the live recordings of the Eqafe interviews daily and I can relate to many of the experiences I have within me and the points that I am walking in my Life. It is really supportive to take notes while listening to it, which is something that I don't usually do it London as I listen to the interviews on the crowded tube, but that I will try to do when I am back. Whenever I listen to a new interview I think that everyone in the world would benefit immensely from listening to it too… 

So while at the farm, I am giving myself the time to ground myself, to stabilise myself, to expand my self-trust and to learn new ways of doing things and of seeing this world in common sense.

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Day 104: Who am I in an embarrassed moment?

After writing my previous blogs and listened to the three Eqafe interviews on embarrassment, I started to become aware of the moments when I feel embarrassed about something that I said or did, helping me to de-construct the multiple thoughts associated to and the starting points that lead to the experience of embarrassment.

One of the first moments which I was able to apply what I listened on the Eqafe interview was at work - so work place is a great opportunity to face oneself and to transcend the mind. I was working with a new team and I was a aware of that "irrational" need to prove myself as being a good person in the eyes of the new acquaintances. At some point, a colleague asked something which I replied immediately. In a matter of seconds, I realised that I had not heard the question properly and that my answer did not make sense. I thought immediately that I was being judged by the others as being possessive and selfish in the eyes of the new colleagues. I tried to quickly explain that I had not understood the question and tried to explain myself (redemption). But this time, since I have been working on this point of embarrassment, I was able to stop for a moment and I ask myself: what is that I am fearing others to think of me? Am I these judgements? Why am I defined by the "eyes/I of others"? Do I need to prove that I am not possessive and selfish, or should I trust myself that this is not who I want to be and therefore it is my responsibility to correct myself?

Other questions that I could have considered would be: Why would I think that the new colleague would judge me negatively if we haven't even spoken yet? Why do I think that others will have the wrong impression of me? Why do I define me by what people may think of me?

Many of the points shared in the Eqafe interviews were not entirely new to me in regards to embarrassment, however, until now I was not able to stand in self-honesty to actually see how I behave and think exactly  as what is described. The point of awareness in real-time allows me to bring the point to myself and see where am I defining myself as an image of perfection, trying to control my reality  through my mind. The advantages of not going into embarrassment  is the ability to stand for myself, to support me in my presence and to care for me/who I am being.

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DAY 103: Why do I feel embarrassed

I must deconstruct the moment of embarrassment to see all the layers under the experience of embarrassment  Walking it through self-corrective statements helps me to open us these layers within me.

This is a continuation of my blog: Embarrassment - Losing my comfort zone at work

When and as I see myself judging the action of speaking English in public as something too big and too risky for me, I stop and I breathe. In this sentence I realise the following: speaking in English is speaking a language, not more not less than speaking in Portuguese or in French; speaking in public is not different, or should not be different than speaking with myself or with the people that are close to me; judging something as more than what I perceive I can do is an idea, therefore, I can first do the action and then see what is that I must align in order to stand equal to that action - in this case, judging speaking in public to be a big task was my own mind-dictatorship telling me how to judge that moment and define me according to the experience and fear of being overwhelmed by something "bigger than me". Finally judging it as risky implies that I have an agenda to follow in order to stick to a certain image or reputation that only I invented to myself, instead of creating myself through my actions - is it not risky to stay stuck in my own imposed mind of ideas and fears? I realise that the risk is also an idea through which I limit my options and my own expansion. In fact, speaking in public in English is supporting me to stand comfortable with the language, comfortable with my own voice and making myself more clear to others. Speaking in public and outloud forces me to change the way I communicate, the structure of my narrative, it helps me to see what is relevant and what is ego, and I start enjoying myself in my communication in English, instead of getting frustrated with it.

 When and as I see myself holding myself back to the memory in my mind where I judge me in being embarassed, I stop and I breathe. Instead of simply accepting this memory as the only thing that was left from my past, I start investigating what is that the memory/mind/embarrassment and judgments are showing me what I have bee accepting myself to be and exist as. In this case, I realise that the memory of my performance as being the cause of failure is a manifestation of devaluation of my own self, whereby I judge everything that I do or touch as getting less value because I got involved. I also realise that the action of speaking in public was merely a few minutes of practically assisting the event, but the weight over this memory is the self-judgment. As the Eqafe interview also assisted me to see is that what my mind is showing me in moments of embarrassment is that which I fear others to thing of me, that in turn is a projection of that which I want to hide from others and, finally, of that which I want to keep avoiding facing within me. I commit myself to stop the habit of going automatically to the acceptance of self-judgments but to instead stop the self-judgment and support me to be stable in everything I do and to embrace my actions. I see that I would not harm me on purpose, nor would I deliberately decide in self-interest, because none of these "choices" are self-honest actions. So, if I think that others are judging me as less, I see that this is my own thought and that I must forgive me for diminish me in my relationship to others. I can only stand as life in this world if I stand for and as my own life and if I respect me as Life, equal and one with another being and all that exists. I commit myself to stop the attachment to the memory and to stop manipulating me through defining me as the memory and the accepted perceptions of myself and others. I commit myself to debunk my own personalities found when I investigate these moments of embarrassment.  I commit myself to restart again in each breath and let go of the judgments and give me time and practice the ability to know myself, to understand the patterns of my mind and to help me unconditionally to change me in self-direction in order to stand in oneness and equality and to be always self-honest.

Recommended Eqafe interviews:

Embarrassment: Is it Really so Bad? - Atlanteans - Part 107

Embarrassment: Embarrassment and Personalities - Atlanteans - Part 106

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DAY 101: My own entertainment - The addiction to the energy of the mind

Today I finally saw something that has been disregarded in a very naive way lol. You know when something is always there but you have never noticed? Well, this is what has been happening as my blindness towards the mind, and more specifically, the way I have been feeding the mind ALL THE TIME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. How? Through the energy in the form of emotions, of anxiety, of fear, of distrust, of feelings, of love, of sadness, of despair, of desire, of hope, of regret, of impatience, of anticipation, of expectations, of blame, of guilt, of jealousy, of reaction, of comparison, of anger, of hate, of imagination, of exhaustion, of positive, of negative, of happiness, of judgement, of distraction.

So, yesterday I was almost blaming the TV series for my entertainment but today I see what is really happening: the real entertainment happens inside me in my relationship with my own mind and the addiction to the energy generated by and for the mind. This self-slavery is the ultimate self-deception and this realisation is just the beginning of the process that I am walking. I am, for the first time, aware that all these emotions and energetic feelings don't need to exist - or should I say, I live without such energetic emotions. The same way I see that I should be able to watch any series, speak with another, do anything without any energetic movement within me. Only breath remains.

This realization came actually from a combination of factors, namely the understanding from the Eqafe interview on Impatience and my experience tonight after watching the last episode of a TV series. I noticed an anxiety within me by knowing that I was going to watch the last episode: my mind was going to lose its daily meal of emotional attachment! When the episode came to an end I thought "Is this it"? And I saw that the energy was not real because it was not here anymore - I am still here, the energy is not. The mind is still here and I can see it more clearly when I get distracted from my writing for example. It is like a shadow that watches everything that I do. This must not be a big surprise: I know the mind because I became the main allie of the mind. The challenge and the process here is to realize who I really am, as Life, by transcending the mind.

While I am writing I can see the fear of dying right now - here is another trick of the mind: the ultimate fear of death as a tool to participate in the energy. So I teach myself to breathe and overcome the storms of the mind.  I stop thinking about death and I focus on my breath. I associate a realisation as an achievement and so I fear to "suffer" the negative consequence of something bad to happen to me. So the label of realisation as a positive thing must be redefined within me.

Why does the mind exist? Through this question I realise that I am actually blaming the mind for my slavery. So I can rephrase my question and ask myself: Why and how did I become the mind? Why and how do I participate in emotions, anxiety, fear, distrust, feelings, love, sadness, despair, desire,  hope, regret, impatience, anticipation, expectations, blame, guilt, jealousy, reaction, comparison, anger, hate, imagination, exhaustion, positive, negative,  happiness, judgement, distraction. That's why in the Desteni material we always see and read about the point of self-responsibility and self-stability, because this is what I must be able to recreate in me and become.

It is apparently tough to let go of a belief, of a religion, of an idea, of a dream and this is the resistance that I have created in my own mind towards the mind itself. It is amazing how ideas become so real in my mind that I am able to project them into my reality and live by it - of course this is not a Life, because it is a prison limited by my own imagination.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get excited with a realisation/understanding, as this is a point of energetic excitement of the ego and based on the fear of losing such a realisation! Therefore, when and as I see myself realising a new point or a new dimension within a point, I stop and I breathe.

I support me to stand stable within and as the realisation, because the realisation is not separated from me. I commit myself to walk through/as/become the realisation and therefore there is no need to go into excitement or fear of losing that which I already am.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the emotion of desire to watch a series is an energetic anxiety of the mind that I can stop through breath. Within this, I see that the addiction to the energy of the mind is not the best for me, because it creates a separate reality of nervousness and I am not aware of me here anymore.

So when and as I see myself going into the energy of the mind, either in the form of anxiety, of fear, of emotional attachment and of desire, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to breathe until I take control of me here, stable and aware of my actions out of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to avoid watching the last episode because I did not want to lose the energetic desire of watching another episode.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the energy of the mind instead of watching the series as it was initially my plan. I realise that I deviate from my objective of simply watching the story and move on.

When and as I see myself going into the parallel reality of the emotions of the mind, I stop the sequence of emotions and I breathe. I support me to remind me of what I am doing and I help me to be aware of when I slip into the mind of imagination, anticipation, fear and emotions in order to stabilise myself more efficiently and with less consequence.

When and as I see myself going into the imagination of the mind and the images of the mind, I stop and I breathe. I see that these images are not real, that are memories and that I can only use them as a reference to see what I must stop within me - what are the preoccupations that move in my mind?, what are the thoughts that I am distracted with?, what are the fears that I project unto myself? What is the consequence that I am creating by being distracted of my own reality?

I commit myself to support me in seeing my own mind and to dedicate myself to correct me, to clarify the memories, to understand the fears and to stop me from participating in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that this process is a radical process and that my realisations will bring some immediate changes - I realise that I must walk point by point and that I must apply each and every single realisation in real-time until I face each and every pattern where I have been enslaving myself. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to move on in my own process and to change me. I realise that this fear of the unknown is an idea that is not real - I also realise that the mind is not the best for me and therefore I must practice myself in self-awareness, I must practice my breathing, practice stopping the mind and practicing solutions in my real life.

When and as I see myself navigating in the mind of memories, of images, of beliefs, I stop this self-entertainment and I breathe. I realise that I must be my own cure because I am the one feeding this addiction to the energy of the mind. I commit myself to focus on my breath until I am back to this reality and I restart my actions in self-awareness and self-correction.

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DAY 100: My relationship to entertainment - opening this point within me

Before I took the decision to stop and write, I was going to watch another episode of a series. My starting point was based on a long day of work and an escape from a headache of the mind that I was starting to feel.  I was seeing my my partner entertained with a game and I felt the anxiety of wanting to stop studying and doing something fun and relaxing, even though I was creating exactly the other polarity of stress in the thoughts of "what should" or "should not do". Now that I am writing, I am giving me my stability back.

The pattern mentioned above of using entertainment as an escape is old - meaning, I realise that is has been within me for awhile, since school time where I saw entertainment/play as a reward after study. Nowadays, the same relationship with entertainment still exists however the time for games and relaxation is shorter than in childhood, so another pattern emerged: the accumulation of desire for entertainment and "free time".  After the daily 8 hours (sometimes more) at work, I have committed myself to continue studying for a Masters which I am now on my first year.

Yesterday, I realised an immense anxiety when I read the list of my assignments' deadlines, like an attack of fear of not making and the backchat of "it is too much at the same time". In my mind,I read the desire to go on holiday again to let go of all the various projects that I am involved. But then I ask myself: Do I want to run away from myself all my life? Is this real tiredness or am I sabotaging my own commitments?

In self-honesty, I do want to live all my commitments, not only the MA but also my daily writing, the DIP, the married life, the physical rest, my friendships and sports. So the feeling and anxiety of overwhelmingness is an indicator of a point that I must support myself to organise my daily life in a way that is viable, is fun and I express and expand myself in everything that I do.

But where does my need for entertainment come from?

Let me have a  look at that what is that watching a series gives me that I am not giving to myself by default:

• usually watching a series is a sign of having done all my other tasks and so there is a moment of "freedom" in my daily schedule to simply watch others on the screen;
• watching a series fills in a break when I arrive home after work, just before I start my other tasks such as the study or my writings;
• a postponement that is covered by an apparent calmness
•  a distraction from my own thoughts and a distraction of myself, because I am focused on another's life and therefore I don't judge me nor make mistakes. At the same time, I see that I am not creating anything either, I am only being an observer of other characters.
• The comfort of seeing the characters finding always a solution for their problems
• It gives me motivation to watch the next one because I want to follow the story; it feeds me curiosity about their story

So now, by bringing these points to myself, I can ask myself how am I participating in the other polarity in relation to my own life/story? Why do I participate in the resistance of facing and transcending my own problems, as if I want to keep me in a time-loop without understanding my own mind, instead of moving forward, finding solutions to myself and being curious to know me and my potential as Life? Why am I not creating myself for the best of me in everything that I do, without labeling my actions as "highs" or "lows"? Can I not read my university deadlines in absolute stability and confident that I am going to manage my time accordingly?

At the moment, I am grateful that I stopped the urge to watch the series and directed me to write, stopping the indecision of the mind as to "what should I do". Writing-self is a point of direction to stop, clarify the headache of the mind and start again, prioritizing my responsibilities and doing the best with the time that I have. Luckily my job does not imply bringing work home so it depends on me to manage the 5 hours in the evening to my self-commitments.

On my next blog I will write the self-forgiveness on the need for external entertainment, which is a point of separation.

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DAY 93: I also became a worry wart...

Do you know when someone tells you a story and you can see yourself in it? Well, what I heard today was based on a true story - this person was sharing her life review and, apart from a few details, the pattern that she was referring to is something that I face almost every day.

According to the dictionary, a worry wart is one who worries excessively, habitually and needlessly; thinks about unfortunate things that might happen; someone who spoils the pleasure of others (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/worrywart). I tried to find the corresponding expression in Portuguese but interestingly I couldn't find it. However, that does not mean that Portugal is free from worrywarts! I realise that the environment where I grew up had plenty of it and I become one as well.

The thoughts of worry and the ideas of what might happen became such a habit within me that, until I heard this interview today, I did not consider to review such pattern - well, I was aware that such thoughts were not bringing me any stability however I had not been specific enough to actually look at the small examples of my daily life and see how I was creating this experience of worry within me. For example, when I was reading a chapter of a book, I read the whole page and then I looked at the same page again to check if I had not missed any important point. This pattern started when I was about 14 years old and since then that I have been accepting such compulsive "double checks" which became part of my way of doing things. I remember this happening also when locking the car, by feeling an an anxiety within me and the need to go back and double check if I locked it. The problem that I found was that I thought I had to follow these thoughts, or something bad would happen and would regret not double checking.

Accumulating these thoughts throughout so many years is tiring but I never associated my exhaustion to this specific pattern! I started changing this pattern step by step and I restarted reading without looking back, taking the decision of trusting in me in every moment, however the pattern of worry is automatic in many of my decisions and indecision. I became a worrywart and I have been manifested it in my thoughts, words and actions. Until recently I have blamed the excess of work and the excess of effort I put into things for my exhaustion but much of my exhaustion comes from my own mind, from these rules that I have imposed unto myself and the constant thoughts of what can go wrong.

This is a big pattern within me and became a problem which I must investigate completely: its origins, its dimensions, its memories and the various thoughts associated to the worry energy. I am grateful that I heard this interview, I heard her experience and I realised that such pattern is not the way to go. How much of my potential am I missing by going into the state of worry?

I have this one-life opportunity to stop the mistakes that others taken before me and realise myself to my full potential.

Eqafe: https://eqafe.com/p/worry-wart-life-review

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Day 76: Are we willing to HEAR what is going on Here?

I never actually understood the expression "When the shit hits the fan", until now. Over the last two weeks, while I was in South Africa I heard/listened to a sort of live documentary of people's lives. In one of the stories, I heard the Life review of a lady who lived in complete starvation and uncertainty about the future in a developing country. For someone who studied development and human rights, the description was shocking because I never actually put myself in a poor's person shoes (or feet). This is the reality of the majority of the people in this world... how little I am aware of!
Lady in the interview, I want to tell you something: we, the rich people, are not fixing the world. Unfortunately, if I take you to the big city centers you will see that no one really cares about you or even thinks about you. Each one is busy with their own survival. Yes, there are different levels of survival in this world, even though it all comes down to the same point: the money system.
Now, if one dare oneself to listen to the interviews from the Portal and to actually hear the message that these beings have to say, one will start to comprehend the complexity of this illusion and the consequence of our ignorance. This is what happens when the shit hits the fan: change must happen. It is simply impossible for me to ignore what is really going on in this world, in the human nature and in this existence. These two weeks at the Desteni farm were revealing from the point of clearly seeing where I want to stand.

Now, if someone needs even more evidences of the illusion of the system, I have a fresh story. While I was at the Johannesburg airport, I experienced the falseness of compassion in this world of survival. The illusion wouldn't last forever, that is for sure. I was kindly helped by a lady at the airport, who's job is to make sure the client is happy. I've heard about the bribery system while I was working in a charity, but I did not imagine it was masked by a "compassion of our times". Imagine you had one hour to get to your flight transfer, in a airport that you've never been before and you still have to make sure your luggage is transferred from one plane to another... Well, any help is welcomed and that's what happened: we accepted the services of that lady who knew the airport, could take us to the boarding platform and help us with the tickets, luggage, etc. At some point the compassion note came in - "you will pay me my breakfast" OH MY HUMAN. This was happening. There is a silent agreement between people about this type of stuff. I am sure everyone knows about this compassionate actions everywhere. One thing is certain: Without the lady we would probably have missed the flight.
So now we have two main elements that show the illusion of the system: everyone lies toward everyone (the rich to the poor and the poor to the rich) while we still trust that this system will eventually be fixed by itself. 

Only if one is sleeping - like a zombie with eyes opened - won't see the solution. Now, even if one has sight problems, one can HEAR the stories and finally see for oneself that we can actually do something about all of this.

Here is a list of interviews that will slowly but surely help many human beings to understand what is really going on and see the practicability of Oneness and Equality. Inside-out.
Once we are the solution we will be able to bring the solution.

Life Review - When Breath is not your Own http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-when-breath-is-not-your-own
Life Review - A Mother's Love of Guilt http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-a-mother-s-love-of-guilt
My life of Co-Dependency http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-of-co-dependency
The Inequality of Resource Distribution within All Bodies of Existence http://eqafe.com/p/the-inequality-of-resource-distribution-within-all-bodies-...

Videos on Youtube:
2012 - Life Review - My Life of SIN! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW5HGXslwAA
2012 - LifeReview - Being Liked http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQBfndcCa48&
2012: LifeReview - Facing Gossip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZTWFz8wJYk&feature=relmfu

http://eqafe.com/
http://equalmoney.org

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Day 60: Sexomania, Alcohol and HIV: the un-holy trinity

On the same day that sexomania was introduced as the new disorder on the rise, a new study shows that alcohol consumption affects a person's intention to have unprotected sex, one of the leading causes of HIV infection.

The holy trinity of this society has been kept behind closed doors and the consequence is out there (Here on earth affecting all). The symptom of the first disorder is the inexplicable desire to have sex; the second can be either a way to avoid seeing the problem or an attempt to reach a pleasure of the mind. This story has not a happy ending, contrasting to the fairytales our society still sells when we’re young.

As Kim wrote in her blog, In our human world, sex and sexuality is not discussed openly, most people feel awkward talking about it and especially parents mostly have a difficult time talking in a 'normal'/relaxed/open way about it with their children, and often then have a tendency to go and make up stories about 'where babies come from' instead of simply telling the truth.

Today, sexomania is a serious illness similar to drug addiction and alcoholism. Now let’s ask ourselves: what do these findings tell about our species? What are we trying to hide from ourselves? Can you also see how this economic system sponsors such madness based on separation, double personalities, competition and survival?

There are no fast-solutions and it won’t be drugs or antidepressants suppressing the sex drive that will fix the root of such sexual patterns. There is nothing wrong with the body, but our minds are completely possessed. The superficial world we live in, which is based on images is keeping the whole system rolling and making some profiting from it, while the majority suffers; not only by a fatal disease such as HIV but also by the long term consequences that rapes, sexual assaults and other physical/psychological aggressions cause.

Our species is sick inside... a flue that we don’t want to see.  

How come governments still close their eyes to alcohol and pornography? 

How can the world agenda be against Life itself?

The insecurity... The fear that parents have towards their children... Is this the world we want to live in?

How can we stop such madness? The more I question the more I see how simple things can be. The answer is here and it has always been: within you, within me. Within each one of us, in Self-Honesty, Self-Respect, Equality, Common Sense and Self-Responsibility, working together towards the best for all. As I shared in previous articles, Self-Forgiveness is an amazing tool for self-support in order to overcome all the mind-addictions and self-limitations that each one of us has allowed to participate as. 

A whole new range of solutions became available to me when reading and participating in the work of the Equal Life Foundation. (read more on http://eqafe.com/). Sharing is caring. Each one must see and change for oneself.

Sources: 

http://english.pravda.ru/health/12-12-2011/119924-sexomania-0/

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/12/study-of-the-day-drinking-alcohol-fuels-the-desire-for-unsafe-sex/249776/

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