Day 159: Who Are YOU in the face of disagreements?

When it comes to arguments or to simply being in disagreement with someone's ideas or opinions, I notice the tendency within me to focus so much on the clash of the minds that I forget about who I am in midst of it all. The consequence of getting obsessed with what another said to me for example suddenly becomes a traumatic experience that I prefer to avoid rather than investigating -- a nice way to hide my mind from myself! So on this post I will open up the other side of arguments and disagreements, which is the window of opportunity to get to know me, to investigate my own reactions and to let go of the burden that I have perceived such an experience to be.

So the question that came to me was: Who I Am when a discussion intensifies and my view differs from another's opinion?

Until now I have been perceiving another's comments as a personal attack to me, whereby I take it personally and I believe that I must defend myself from the "attack". If I look at my past memories of being in an argument with someone (this often happened with my sisters) I see that I could easily go into an offense mode, either by feeling offended or by spitefully wanting to offend another (the called "low blow"). From that moment on, I can also see the fear of its escalation because I have seen minds fighting before - words are used irresponsibly and the real topic that was discussed slips into second plan because now it is a battlefield for the minds and the energy thereof - I was no different and the same has happened to me, for as long as I participated in my mind.

This is precisely what I am currently changing within me.

What happens if I decide to be stable even when I may sense that another person is reacting?

What happens if I give myself time to respond instead of responding in the heat of the reaction?

What happens if I bring the reaction fully back to myself and recognise that whatever happens inside myself is my own creation?

The answer to these questions will definitely be different from everything that I have been living thus far, because I know exactly what happens when none of the above is applied - there is space for resentment, for sadness, for emotions, for disappointment, for fear, rupture and separation. The other person is just a mirror of all the emotions I allow within myself, first and foremost.

As part of my process of self-investigation I am decided to break down these patterns and to walk through Who I have been in the face of disagreements, in order to live Who I Want to Become in every moment of my life.

I will now look at the tendency to take words personally/as an attack from another.

I see that I would not react to comments if there wasn't something about me in it, meaning, the reaction is a veil that hinders me from seeing something about myself. So the other person actually assists me to uncover aspects about myself that I am not seeing or willing to see.

In a recent experience, the best way to describe my reaction was for feeling misunderstood - for wanting to explain myself and despite my efforts my words were being twisted and interpreted in a certain way that was not my starting point. From this I went into a perceived powerlessness because I was trying to convince another person of something about myself. But why do I need to convince someone about who I am? By bringing this point to myself I see that it was not about the other... It is about me standing for myself, stable and without self-doubt. It is about me being absolutely certain about my starting point and therefore not even reacting to any potential misinterpretations.

It is interesting to see that I was almost missing this point if I would have not stopped the emotional reactions and looked inside. I also see the effect of the reaction because from that moment on everything else was contaminated with the reaction and I was no longer stable within me. A practical tip to not allow emotions to take over is to let go for a moment - in this case, to not respond immediately to another and instead, give me time to stabilise myself again and come back to see the situation in self-honesty and common sense. It may be even a couple of days until one is calm and does not react immediately to another person - because it is not about the "other" but about what I experience inside myself through another.

Based on my experience, writing the backchat or the reaction can assist to let it go however it will not actually assist me to look further inside myself. That is where self-forgiveness comes in. By forgiving myself for the emotions I am participating in, I am able to slowly but surely take off the layers to dig deeper into self-awareness and understand new points about myself hidden behind reaction and fear.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the friction and the thoughts in my mind when someone states a different view of the world, politics and society.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take another person's views and comments as a personal attack to my own self and to my vision for the world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into irritation within me when I notice that my words are being twisted and used in a different meaning than my initial starting point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of how another may use my words based on the belief that I am being attacked.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to respond to defend myself (in this case my mind) instead of participating here in self-direction, in eventually clarifying what is going on without expecting to be either accepted or understood.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the friction that I feel in the moment I read/hear a comment that is in disagreement with what I am writing/saying is real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another person is angry at me because I am not in agreement with them. In this, by bringing this point to myself I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another for not being in agreement with my views or with what I say. In this, I see, realise and understand that I am the one creating anger within me and projecting that towards another.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the emotional reaction and the thoughts thereof are real. I see, realise and understand that the thoughts that come from the fear and the reaction are actually indicators of what I am still allowing myself to participate in and I can decide to look into these, forgive the reactions, the fear and allow myself to change myself in relation to Who I am in the face of disagreements.

Self-Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself seeing the emotional reaction building up when I am reading or hearing comments that are in disagreement with what I stand for, I stop my reaction and I breathe.

I commit myself to slow down my mind until the point where the thoughts exist no more and I am deliberately grounding myself here in my breath. From here, I assist myself to recognise the pattern of reaction to disagreements and my responsibility in not feeding this friction/energy anymore. I commit myself to give me direction to see the common sense (or lack of it) in the disagreement and in making sure that there is no emotion involved in my participation, whereby my starting point is no longer about defending myself/ego but rather in clarifying whatever is not being clear to another based on my understanding of how the world is and how it should be.

When and as I see myself going into self-doubt when someone questions my integrity and self-honesty, I stop my reaction and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that my reaction is an indicator of where I am not unconditionally standing for myself in self-trust. Therefore, I also see that it is not about responding to another or defending myself because there is no quick fix for this - who I am as self-integrity and self-honesty is a decision that I live inside me, in every moment and that I stand in what I say and do.

When and as I see myself participating in irritation when I am seeing that my words are being misinterpreted and twisted into a different meaning, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this irritation exists within me and this is where my focus goes, not about the other that is activating the irritation! By identifying the tendency to get irritated when things go out of my control because I can't control how another will interpret my words, I see, realise and understand that there is nothing to be worried about. All I can do is to assist me in being honest with myself in the words that I write/speak, in trusting myself unconditionally and in being stable within me when facing my mind and another's mind. I assist me in seeing the situation with a clear view without the emotional/taking personal personality and instead create the space to clarify the misinterpretation.

When and as I see myself participating in the urge to reply back to make my voice heard and try to change how another sees things, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this urge is based on my desire to have another agreeing with me and ultimately change the other person, which is not how it works. Therefore, instead of participating in the friction of the disagreement, I assist me in being responsible for my self-stability in order to listen to another without reacting nor taking comments personally. I also give myself time to look at the points being discussed without reacting to it, and to reply (if applicable) in absolute self-stability and practical common sense.

From here, I see, realise and understand that I am creating myself differently in the face of an argument, I am letting go of the idea of wanting to defend myself / be seen in a specific way or wanting a specific outcome out of the conversation, and I assist me to focus on Who I am in this moment within myself - that is then projected in who I am and say to another.

Recommended resources for self-support:

Misinterpretation - Quantum Systemization - Part 48

Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments (Part 1) - Life Review

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DAY 156: My relationship with myself, seen through the eyes of a bird

A new little bird joined our family a few weeks ago. This time was a female pigeon that was standing still by our doorstep and when she tried to fly she fell down on the floor. Our commitment to assist the life of our pigeon was extended to this new being that landed on our lives and we simply started doing everything in duplicate: feeding them, playing with them, putting the nappies, enjoying their company, putting them to sleep, and creating a stress-free environment for them and for us.

After two weeks, we decided to take our female pigeon to the park as we were under the impression that she wanted something else. As opposed to our male pigeon that has beenliving with us for longer, the female seemed less open to our presence, constantly screaming in fear when we approached her and enjoying being alone most of the time. She was older than when we found out first pigeon and within three days with us she could eat by herself and fly with excellent control. All of this lead us to think that  she had all the skills to expand herself out there and therefore we should re-assess what she wanted: either to stay with us or flying high out there.

Another thought that was defending this position was the fear of being judged as a bad person for keeping a wild bird at home and domesticating her. Her wild expression was so cute and genuine that I didn't want to mess with it either and I started feeling guilty for preventing her from being herself. As many of those walking the DIP Process know, all these thoughts are not actually about the other but are projections of a point that exists within me - in this case, the feeling and emotion of guilt, wanting to control what happens to another, and wanting to be perceived as a good person are all mirrors of points that I am facing within myself.

IIn this blog, I am addressing self-judgments projected toward what I believe others think of me. This is a point of assisting myself to realise that only I can take responsibility for the thoughts that exist within me, understand where they come from and decide to stop these thoughts. Curiously enough, these new thoughts and experience of self-distrust made me consider that new parents may also experience the need to make a baby feel OK and take personally when the baby cries or is unsatisfied.

In my next blog I will share the process that I have been walking in relation to the decision of letting her go.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as a bad person for keeping a wild bird indoors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment towards other people and think that they judge me for keeping a wild bird at home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to think that Duquesa (the new female pigeon) is unhappy and that she wants to leave our house because we are not good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I see her flying to the window because I think that I am failing to keep her happy and well.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take Duquesa's behaviour personally and to think that she is not OK because I am not giving her enough attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distrust my ability to know what is best for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the negative and positive mood within me depending on what Duquesa does.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I am responsible for Duquesa's instability indoors and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame me when she goes against the wall and window.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in emotion to my relationship with Duquesa based on the idea that I can't deal with female birds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect that my relationship with the new bird to be the same as I have with Marques (projection), instead of considering this new being in its uniqueness and embracing this new relationship as an opportunity to expand myself in it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire her to stay with us so that I don't feel bad about myself and I don't think that I am not a good person to her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty in case she decides to fly away and for taking her decision personally.

Self-corrective statements

When and as I see myself feeling ashamed for keeping a wild bird indoors, I stop the judgment and I breathe. This emotion of shame is a point of self-distrust towards my decision to assist the bird in her own path no matter what path is (indoors or outdoors).

I see, realise and understand that the judgment of being a bad person for keeping Duquesa inside only exists within me and that I am responsible for stopping it. I also see that the emotional reaction of pity towards her and myself only exist within me and that is clouding my ability to see the situation in common sense and what is best for her and for all.

When and as I see myself taking Duquesa's/another's attitudes personally and thinking that I am failing in being liked by another, I stop these ideas and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that the backchat about myself exists first and foremost within me and that the need for being liked is not real. I also see, realise and understand that I am basing my reactions in an idea and imagination that she doesn't want to stay with us, which is a contradiction; I see, realise and understand that through these thoughts I am actually separating myself from another being and not allowing me to be fully stable when interacting with her.

When and as I see myself reacting to her reaction against the nappy and against being indoors, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to stay stable and grounded in my relationship to Duquesa despite her reaction. I assist me by placing myself in her situation and in giving her an environment that is stress-free, stable and that accommodates her needs. As it happened when Marques, this is a new process to all of us and I can only be open to the response from her and understand that this is a moment of change to her too.

When and as I see myself thinking that I should simply open the window and put her outside, I stop and I breathe. I am aware that it is night now and that birds don't see in the dark and that such an act would not be self-responsible. I also see, realise and understand that any decision taken based on an emotional reaction does not consider what is best for all as it can only address the emotion of the mind (and a quick fix).

Therefore, I assist me in slowing the mind down and in considering solutions that address the current moment, such as going to the park in the morning and see if she wants to fly away.

When and as I see myself blaming me for killing the wild nature of a bird, I stop and I breathe. By bringing this thought to myself I see that I am feeling limited if I was kept indoors and I had wings to fly. I see that I am also projecting my fear of doing something wrong towards the bird by keeping her indoors.

When and as I see myself feeling sad by thinking that she is loosing her self-expression here with us, I stop and I breathe. I see that I am defining her self-expression as an idea of what birds should or should not do instead of seeing that a being self-expression is not something that I can take away.

When and as I see myself distrusting my ability to know what is best for another being, I stop and I breathe. I assist me in focusing on common sense and basic needs where we are equals/similar. I see that she is currently safe and restful, and that it is not my purpose to keep a bird prisoner against her will.

I commit myself to stop the ideas that another doesn't like me and that I am failing in keeping another happy. I commit myself to take responsibility for the thoughts that I allow in my mind and I assist me in recreating my self-stability and self-trust in self-honesty, and to assist me in realising that who I am is not dependent on how another responds to what I do.

I commit myself to stop the self-judgments and the shame for keeping a wild bird indoors and to stop projecting these unto what I think others think about me. I commit myself to focus on what is here, what I can do to assist another, and what is simply common sense to do such as rescuing a bird in need and addressing the situation as it evolves.

I commit myself to bring the point of judgment and of wanting to be liked by another back to myself, and I assist me in being stable in my decision, in applying myself and in standing for myself. I also commit myself to trust my decision of trying to assist this bird unconditionally without expecting to be liked, or to be approved or to be seen as better for doing it.

I commit myself to stop imposing her a path based on what happened with Marques. I assist me to be open to solutions in real-time so that I can give her what she needs to express herself and be OK.

I commit myself to recreate my relationship with Duquesa from wanting to save her to actually see her as equal to me and to always base my decision of supporting her life as I support mine.

I commit myself to look at practical solutions to apply in moments where she is agitated and flying against things. I commit myself to breathe to stabilise myself first and to not react to her agitation.

I commit myself to be patient her and with myself, and to make sure I am stable in my relationship with Duquesa, either at home or if she decides to fly away.

Recommended resources:

A Pigeon and World Peace: Conflict resolution in real-time: http://joanaslifeprocess.blogspot.com/2015/04/day-71-pigeon-and-world-peace-conflict.html

The Consciousness of the Dove: https://eqafe.com/p/the-consciousness-of-the-dove-part-1

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DAY 153: Facing Fear Series: Exposing The Fear of Flying

In this blog I am starting a new series of articles that reflect my process of facing my fears - the fears that I have accepted to be me and to exist as it. Even if some of the fears that I will explore don't resonate directly with yours, I recommend reading it from a starting point of seeing the patterns and assisting yourself to identify yours.

In my self-investigation I am realising that the experience of fear towards something or someone is simply the tip of the iceberg: once I start digging further I see that it is no longer the fear itself (the experience of nervousness, reaction, automatic anxiety, thoughts and images)  but what is underneath all of this: what in my personal history has lead me to this moment in time where I fear this or that; how have I created my life based on the fear; what does this fear tell about me and my relationship with myself; why do I keep participating in it; who benefits from the fear; what consequences does it bring; what can I learn from it; and how can I change myself to stop feeding and creating more fear.

The process of bringing the fears to myself demystifies much of the mystery behind fears: the initial energy felt in my chest starts to slow down as I direct myself to understand the fear and to not fear the fear itself.

To kick off this series I will share a fear that I have personally been ashamed of and I don't think I ever shared my writings about it: the fear of flying on a plane.

I faced it very recently and it was actually during this experience that I decided within me to open it up to the world - if I have been hiding it from others (and myself) this may be happening to other people. The primary reason to open it up is first and foremost to say ENOUGH to this fear, begin the process of forgiving myself and letting it go. Until now, every time I go on a trip I face a time-loop: the same thoughts, the imagination of an accident, the paranoia, the cold in my body, the anticipation of the worse case scenario, and ultimately the fear of dying.

As I was writing this blog I typed the words "fear of" and the automatic suggestion of Google was "fear of flying". Apparently I am not the only one and I wonder how other people deal with it (or not). In my case, this fear reaction is very specific and only emerges when I have a trip planned - sometimes it also influences me in the process of planning but it has never reached the point where I don't go on a trip stopped by the fear. Nevertheless, from the moment I book it, to the experience of being in the plane until I land safe and I leave the plane I have always participated in the fear emotion.

It is relevant to mention that since this fear is very specific, I don't experience it "outside" the environment of flying or planning a trip, which is quite tricky because either I write about the fear in that moment or it will not be easy to replicate it to investigate the various dimensions of the fear. As soon as I allow myself to pass the fear of facing the fear itself, I pick up my notebook and I write. Initially it is as if I have a blank and don't know where to begin, but then I simply start writing what I am experiencing. Then, I write my self-forgiveness statements about the experience that I am allowing inside myself. I will share my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in my next blog but for now I wanted to first open up the point and lay down the practical ways that each one of us can face the bogus personality that exist in our minds.

An interesting thing that happened last time I took a plane was that I could clearly see beyond the fear. Since I have been walking this process for sometime and I knew already my reactions and the thoughts, I deliberately stopped and asked myself the questions: if I bring this point to myself, what do I see? If I am distrusting the pilot, what does that say about me? What am I projecting towards another? If I am blaming the market/businesses for putting profit above security, what does this thought show about me? If I am here but fearing to not be here (death) what am I accepting inside myself? Why do I create the experience of disempowerment to my own self?

For the first time I saw that the relationship that I have created to flying is an opportunity to get to know myself, my thinking, my concerns, my vulnerabilities and, ultimately, the points that need correction. As with any fear, I can see my pre-programmed behaviour that is almost outside of my control unless I realise that I am responsible for directing myself and for stopping/de-programme/change my mind. The fact that I was ashamed of sharing this fear publicly is another indicator of the self-sabotage that I am allowing to occur: shame is another personality that emerges with fear and that is justified with ideas about myself, about how I must act with others, what I must pretend to be or not to be. All of this is pointless because this is a process of self-honesty whereby I am the only one responsible for the thoughts, personalities and behaviour that I allow within me, so hiding it from others would be mainly about hiding this point from myself. Finally, this is a process of layers and one layer must go in order to make other layers visible and let go of the layers-burden that limit my life, my expression and my movement Here.

In the next blog I will start by sharing the memory of my first flight, the fears that emerged many years ago and the practical ways that I am assisting myself to slow down the mind, stop the fear and allow me to stay grounded even when flying high.

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DAY 148: How to stabilise myself when facing unexpected events

Today my bicycle was stolen and it took me a few hours  to stabilise myself and to focus on the things that I had planned that day and so this post is specifically to assist me in dealing with unexpected events in my reality.

When I realised that there had been a deliberate robbery, I felt an energy of anger growing within me against whoever had taken it, against society as a whole and against the economic system that promotes survival. It helped to go out and run to keep moving myself and slow down the mind. The tendency was to look at every single bicycle hoping to find mine but whenever the energetic emotion of anger and sadness came up, I stopped the thought, I breathed and reminded me that I am not defined by this situation of being a victim of theft.

This was the second time it happened, however now I have the tools to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes with such an experience. I noticed how my thoughts were being contaminated by this experience of disappointment and distrust towards society, and that my mind was projecting such emotions to other areas of my life, which was unacceptable. How can my experience of anger influence my attitude towards other things that I am doing? Why do I accept becoming the emotions and therefore believing that whatever I do will get contaminated by it? Well, in reality I now see that I am the thoughts and emotions that I accept within me. That is also why it was no surprise that suddently I was distrusting my ability to deal with other areas of my life, because my distrust towards the outer world was firstly existing inside me.

In fact, all these emotional waves are dependent on whatever I do with them - either I feed them to continue the victim personality or I let them go. Letting them go does not mean to forget them but to simply use this memory as a remembrance to learn from: for example, to be more careful when locking my bike or to consider a bike chip. Well, bicycle theft is not a good example considering that it is quite hard to prevent these: no matter how good one's lock is, in the UK a bicycle is stolen every minute and less than 5% of those are returned to their owners (Bikeoff.org). Nevertheless, preventing my emotional reaction is completely my own resonsibility.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to build up the emotion of anger within me when facing an unexpected event such as bike theft.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take this incident personally and to think that someone had done this deliberately to make me anger.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another for the anger I create/participate within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the anger and the sadness into other areas of my life and to fear that unexpected events affect other areas of my life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use this event to feed other emotions within me such as fear.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stabilise myself and to resume my plans of the day realising that thinking about what happened and trying to look for the bicycle was not going to stabilise me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of self-distrust when facing a situation of feeling distrust towards the society we live in. In this, I realise that this generalisation is not supportive and I am aware that the current system promotes such separation among the people when in fact it is not necessary nor real, as we are all one and equal.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to look at this point in common sense, do what needs to be done in terms of reporting the burglary and then continue with tasks.

When and as I see myself trying to justify the feeling of sadness within me based on the memory of today's events, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself feeling anger and feeding this feeling within me when I face an unexpected event that imply something being stolen from me, I stop the emotional build-up, I breathe and assist me to fully stabilise my presence.

When and as I see myself projecting the anger unto the people around me and unto society as a whole, I stop the thoughts and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am the only one creating this experience to myself and feeding the emotion within me. I also see, realise and understand that any scenarios/projections unto other areas of my life are not real and are unnecessary since these are images fed by emotions such as fear.

When and as I see myself going into the turmoil of emotions that are manifested in the way I start questioning everything and distrusting everyone in my reality, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself getting obecessed with the emotions and distracting myself from the other responsibilities in my day, I stop and I breathe. I assist me in learning from this experience and to use this as a remembrance to be more effective in stopping the energy within me and to allow myself to dedicate my time to my responsibilities.

When and as I see myself believing that it is OK to be emotionally overwhelmed by situations like this, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself judging the time that I am spending in dealing with this point as pointless, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am dealing with a point that is here and that this is an opportunity to re-establish my self-stability and to re-start in every breath, fresh and in complete self-will to correct myself and to give me direction.

I see, realise and understand that the time spent in the mind of emotions, thoughts and projections is time that I miss of my creation here.

I commit myself to let go of the emotion of anger as I see that it does not assist me to see the situation in common sense and in being practical about the things to do in order to deal with the events in my reality effectively and in self-support.

Reference: http://www.bikeoff.org/design_resource/ABT_problem_introduction.shtml

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DAY 141: Facing Self-Trust in Public Speaking at a Live Hangout

Just before I pushed the "live" button, there was a shift within me. In a matter of milliseconds,  I though that I couldn't remember what I had prepared myself to say and I became nervous inside myself.  I had to go Live so we started. There was a shift in my attention and my mind was busy with the fear of failing and not being able to express myself in English. The fact that I was already live forced me to push for myself and to live my commitment of presenting the hangout and do that which I had decided to do. I had two guests with me and I realised that I could barely remember their names, even though we know each other for long time. I wasn't stable within me and I was judging myself for that. Curiously enough, the topic of the hangout was exactly about the mind shifts, the parallel realities and the consequences that each one creates to oneself. This became the beginning of an evening of self-investigation and I am grateful that I had the support of the Desteni group and the hangout assisting me in facing the energy of fear that I have been postponing for years.

Once the hangout has finished, I gave myself time to investigate through writing what was going on within me. I looked at my week and the memories that were popping up. My self-instability had not been a sudden thing and the manifestation of instability during the hangout had been the climax of a point that started manifested a week ago, related to self-trust. Not only that, I was also using previous experiences of presenting hangouts to imagine my presentation when in fact that "hologram" was not real and I was responsible for creating my presentation, creating my self-trust and creating the present moment. Like it happened with Jasmine, I was using my past to define my present which caused this distraction within myself and separation from my present reality. This experience confirmed that there is no middle-way: I am either Here or in the mind - and in the end of the day there is actually no choice rather than to stop "living" in the mind and to stand in self-awareness in the real world, if I am willing to change myself. What happened after was absolutely amazing: my body was uncomfortable, I was feeling this nausea in my belly and I was having chills in my body. My husband started asking me questions as to what I was thinking and the word that came up was fear. Obviously, my husband didn't stop there and continued pushing for myself to speak, to expand myself and to not suppress what was happening within me. While speaking to him, I was actually speaking to myself, I was clarifying myself and going through the layers of thoughts until I reached the point of Trust. In that moment, the fear energy became preeminent in my chest and it was overwhelming - as soon as I started stating my Self-Forgiveness on the fear energy I burst into tears. The energy was here, I could feel it in my chest as this massive wall that I thought was impossible to transcend. So I kept on forgiving each thought and my attachment to the fear energy that I was holding myself to. Physically it felt I was near a precipice and I feared to fall. I cried even more when I faced the word Courage - the courage to walk through the fear energy that exists within me. Through Self-forgiveness I was able to release the energy and bring me back to Here and become physically stable. I was still feeling cold but no longer nauseous.

New points opened up in my writing and a new understanding of the energy fear became clear within me when I listened to the interviews Stop in the Name of Fear and The Differencebetween your Beingness and Consciousness for the second time.

I decided to share this point because it may assist those that fear speaking in public or doing live hangouts. The points I suggest investigating are the point of self-trust and fear and to not postpone it anymore because it will eventually manifest for you to face it. Just like it is explained in the Life review, whenever there is a resistance, there is a fear that one must face in one's process of self-change. Why wouldn't one want to change if our fears are actually limiting our expression, our being and our utmost potential?

I will now share specific self-forgiveness and self-correction statements that are assisting me in walking the fear and self-distrust manifested when speaking in public:

Self-Forgiveness on the FEAR ENERGY:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the fear of making a mistake when I am doing something in public  or when I am speaking in public.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the fear energy and with the thoughts fed by the energy, instead of focusing myself on the message that I am going to speak and in who I am in each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to become nervous and being unable to deliver my presentation because it is "too hard" to do it (=to face the fear).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the energy of fear within me.

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the energy of fear and through it create the images and the thoughts that justify the fear.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another person or event for the fear that I feel within me when in fact the fear is my own creation and I am responsible for understanding it and stopping it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear energy within me, in my words, thoughts and deeds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the fear energy towards the things that I do, instead of assisting me to investigate where the fear comes from and find/apply solutions to practically assist me, rather than feeding and believing that the fear is a requirement to be aware of myself.

Now that I am aware of the fear energy and the real consequence of distrusting myself, I commit myself to practice my Self-Stance and self-trust in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts, ideas about myself and the image of failure in my mind as I am aware that I am the one feeding the energy and thus the one able to stop it within me.

When and as I see myself participating in the images of the mind and the energy of fear in my solar plexus when I am speaking in public, I stop and I breathe. I realise that slowly but surely I am walking the process of releasing the fear energy from my physical body and that each moment is an opportunity to apply my decision of stopping living/being fear.

I assist and support myself to be patient in the process of stopping the fear within me and to not get distracted with the images of the mind.

I realise that going into fear is a self-sabotage based on the idea that I am not ready or that I can't/I am limited. I also realise that I fear that which I don't know or that I don't understand. Therefore, I assist myself through writing and self-investigation to understand the fears within me and walk the process of changing myself and giving me direction.

I commit and assist myself to direct me in stopping the fear energy and to not allow it to take control over myself and my body.

I commit myself to trust me in my process of stopping the fear energy within me and changing my relationship with myself, from self-judgement to self-awareness, self-correction and self-respect.

When and as I see the energy of fear manifesting in my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to stand stable when I am facing the fear energy and through this I assist me to change my relationship to fear, from fearing the energy to understanding how it was created and then release it through self-forgiveness.

Self-Forgiveness on SELF-TRUST:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my decisions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust my creation as who I am, what I do and say.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as a false and as a liar.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am lying to others. By bringing this point to myself, I realise that I am only lying to myself when participating in the mind of thoughts, beliefs and self-judgments.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have self-distrust as my starting point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be misunderstood and judged when I say something.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-trust.

When and as I see myself distrusting my own self, my actions and my decision, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-distrust is not real and it comes from my own self-definition, ideas and beliefs about myself.

When and as I see myself judging what I do as not good enough or not perfect based on an idea of perfection that I have in my mind, I stop and I breathe.

I realise that the image of perfection in my mind is not real.

I commit myself to work with myself in reality and in real time to perfect myself, to expand my self-awareness, to increase my vocabulary, to stop the emotions and to create my own self-stability and self-trust in who I am, in the words I speak and in my actions.

I realise that the state of self-distrust is a justification of the mind to limit myself and to fear leaving my comfort zone and to investigate new points within me.

I also see that the projection about what others judge about me is showing me that which I judge about myself. Therefore, when and as I see myself judging me about what I say or do, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to embrace me in every moment of breath and to stand with and as myself in my words and actions. I realise that the personalities that I am judging are not real.

I commit myself to trust my process of getting to know my mind and of correcting me to become one and equal with Life here.

I commit myself to stop judging what I do or what I say as being wrong and to stop participating in the polarity of right and wrong that keep me trapped in my own self-judgement, self-distrust and fear energy.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in every moment and to assist me in being and doing that which is best for me, in unconditional self-honesty and self-trust.

I commit myself to change my starting point of self-distrust to recreate unconditional self-trust and to take responsibility for trusting myself in every moment.

DIP Lite FREE self-empowerment course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
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7 year journey to life Facebook group:
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Suggested interviews on TRUST:

Respect, Integrity, Trust and Honour - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination 
Moving from Unpredictability to Predictability to Self Trust 
Can you Ever Trust your Mind?
Anticipation: Developing Self Trust 
What is Trust
In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal

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DAY 137: Going For It When the Mind Shouts in Fear

A moment of change can be as simple as not believing in my own fears and in moving myself physically to do something that I would not do if I was to follow the mind. This moment happened just now, when I decided to pick up Anna's cat outside - I said Yes I can go, but then in a matter of milliseconds I had these thoughts in my mind of What if I have an elevator accident, what if the cat attacks me, What if I get stuck in the elevator, What if the cat gets stuck in the elevator, What if something harmful happens. All I could see were reasons not to go out of the apartment, as if this the safety inside was real. Obviously these reasons were based on fear and not based on any common sense whatsoever. I had to stop the thoughts and assist me in remind myself that I had taken the decision to go outside, make a break, meet the cat and bring the cat home. So I got in the elevator, I kept on stopping the mind attempts to feed the fear of having an emergency, I left the elevator, I went outside and there was the cat, waiting. I stood there, no more fear was disturbing. The second part of this episode was when I realised that the cat was not coming to me. In that moment I had another assault of fear, thinking What if I get close to the cat and she attacks me, what if she runs away. So I reminded myself again to be present and to work with what was here- I sat on the floor and started to talk with her, patiently waiting for her - I decided to live the decision of bringing her home, rather than believing that this was going to be simple or difficult. I then started to slowly getting close to her while talking with her. After 5 minutes she got up and started walking in my direction. I walked next to her, very slowly so that she would not get scared and we got in the building together. The third part of this story happened at the elevator, when the two fears came together: being in the elevator with the cat - which in my mind was like Being in the elevator that can get stuck or fall, with a cat that can get really scared and attack me inside the elevator. It was as simple as getting in the elevator, going up and coming out, however I was still participating in the energy fear. For a moment I even thought that the cat would smell the fear and jump out of my arms - I mean, who would like to be in the arms of someone shaking and in fear? I breathed, I focused on holding the cat in my arms, opening the door in a very calm movement, coming out and getting home.
As soon as I got home I saw that this had been a cool moment of standing for the decision to go out. Even though I still participated in the initial hesitation during milliseconds, I walked through it for real. The fear is a sticky glue that my mind uses to keep me in a state of apparent safety, when in fact having fear itself is an indicator of self-distrust. How can I be safe outside of me when I am not safe within me, as in every decision, word or action? By accepting the fear of going out I was opening the door for the fear of dying, for the fear of harming myself, for the fear of being irresponsible with the cat and ultimately I was being irresponsible towards my own self because I did not want to change my relationship to fear.

I now see that the cat was there assisting me unconditionally; I was seeing in this projection the idea that I created about me when I am in fear. Why do I accept me to become the fear? Is the fear more than me or is it me accepting and allowing the fear to be more than me? Is the fear more than life or is it me accepting the fear to be more than life? Am I fear or am I accepting and allowing myself to be fear?

Therefore,
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become the fear of going outside of the apartment.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts in my mind and the imagination about me going out are real.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to place the fear above my own self-stability and my self-trust in creating my decisions unconditionally and within common sense. I realised that the backchat that motivated the fear was based on imagination and in "what if" scenarios that are out of my ability to direct.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of fear out of a situation where I am enjoying myself in doing something new to me such as picking up the cat outside.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind shouting is a real voice that I must listen to it. Instead, I realise that the mind is showing me the point that I must look at, the point that I am holding myself to, the fears that I am limiting myself with. Therefore, instead of getting scared with my own mind, I can work with what the mind shows me and direct me in my living application to not live out the fear. 

When and as I see myself having the mind shouting me the what if scenarios  I stop, I breathe and I look at what the mind is showing me. 
I commit myself to see for myself that I am creating the fears to myself and that I am limiting myself by believing that these scenarios will happen when in fact I am the one stopping myself in my own reality. I realise that even before I got in the elevator I was already imagining that I would not leave the elevator alive, therefore the elevator was simply a projection of my own fear of death.
I commit myself to direct myself in my own responsibility to stop the fear and the backchat of death.
When and as I see myself participating in the creation of the "what if" scenarios, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am responsible for stopping the thoughts and the fears within me, moment by moment. I realise that regardless of what happens outside of my ability to direct in the world, all that I can direct it is me and who I am in every moment of breath.
When and as I see myself sabotaging my decision of doing something new that I have no point of reference such as picking up the cat by myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the mind is showing me other reference points that work as a comfort zone because I got used to live in/as fear.
I commit myself to stop being the living manifestation of the fear of the mind.
I commit myself to stop "living" the fear of death. 
I commit myself to create my own stability by not going into fear and in trusting that my decision is the best for me in any given moment. 
I commit myself to trust myself as life in every decision I take in the physical reality instead of trusting in the thoughts of the mind.

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DAY 136: Symptoms of the I'm not Good Enough personality

This week I came across a behavior within me of holding myself back in actually showing how dedicated I was in my task, as if I wanted the other to believe that I was good in what I was doing by pure magic. There was also this backchat, or should I say backdoor open in my mind about leaving things averagely done, but not in full perfection as I could potentially do.

I was looking at these symptoms and the thought "not good enough" came to my mind. I then realised that I was actually manifesting in my physical action the belief that I am not good enough, even though I had spent time training myself for that specific task.

So, why did I hold myself back? What is that I am trying to limit from my own self?

I decided to look on Eqafe for further perspectives on this personality and the Life Review I'm not Good Enough came up in the results. As soon as I started listening to it, I got amazed and overwhelmed by the similarities of this person's experience regarding the "not good enough" belief that she also had about herself. I took deep breaths to slow myself down and to simply listen to her words and be present.

What I am realising is the  following: not living up to my utmost potential is a form of giving up on my Self. This means that I am accepting and allowing myself to give up on Life, my Life.

The experience I had this week assisted me to look at the points of self-worth and my potential, which brings me back to the 1st principle  of My Declaration of Principle:

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

In my case, I see that the personality behind this self-imposed limitation is the belief that I am not good enough, either towards a specific job, career, relationship or even my own life style. When I first came to London I thought that this was too good to be true, meaning, too good for me; when I got my first job here I thought I had luck and through such thought I was de-valuing all my efforts in learning new skills, my time invested in improving my professional English, my self-direction in meeting people and the ultimate reward of a job offer.

A new pattern emerged when I started my MA and I realised that I was doing my assignments from a starting point of simply passing it. That's what happened during my first year, until I saw what I was doing - I was imposing a limitation to my own self by not going beyond the "pass" and to fully express myself and dedicate myself to develop the skills required in my field of studies. This actually reminded me some of my colleagues at school that would be extremelly happy for passing a test despite the low score - there are many reasons as to why kids don't have better grades but one of them is the belief that one cannot and will never reach a better position in life, which probably came from the social-economic environment that one grew up with. Imposing a low potential to oneself works against our own development and I saw that for myself in how I was using the excuse of working full-time, for example, to justify not doing a better at Uni. There is obviously the practical time and availability required to study however in self-honesty I can see how I was manifesting the backchat of simply wanting to pass. During this year I noticed the physical change in my attitude towards my studies and the self-enjoyment is extremely rewarding because I am going beyond my self-imposed limitation and I am directing myself to the best of my ability.

The questions and, therefore, the answers are inside me and I know exactly what I am doing when I accept less than who I can be.

As it is explained in the Eqafe interview mentioned earlier, the "Not Good Enough" personality is a cover-up of the mind that we accept and through it allow ourselves to be powerless; the belief that such thought is real makes us live such personality until we have given up of ourselves completely. Just like she did in her life review, I look back in my childhood and I could see moments where I have defined me as not good enough, especially when comparing myself to my sister and to other adults. At that time I did not have the tools of Desteni to realise that comparison was not supporting me and, even though my parents have always pushed for me and valued my work, I haven't done that for myself. At school, even though I had the best grades in the class there was still a dissatisfaction within me because there were things that I had forgotten and that I could do better. So now I am looking at a pattern related to the "Not good enough" personality which is self-distrust and lack of self-worth. The consequences of participating in these patterns have eventually manifested in adulthood like an automated mind-programme that manifests in almost everything I do. So I must support me to stop, look at what I am creating for myself and decide to stand for myself.

What is the resistance to stand for myself unconditionally and to respect me as Life?

In order for me to be able to know myself, I must investigate these points in self-honesty, without any hidden agenda within myself. I will start by scratching the surface:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of valuing me and telling others what I am capable of doing at work and school for example.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else is better than me and therefore I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not being good enough by comparing myself to the ideal of perfection that exists in my mind (projected to others).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the opposite polarity of imagining that I am being recognised by another as being great in what I do. I realise that the desire to be recognised by another is not real and that I am the one who is able to stand in unconditional self-support and self-recognition in everything that I do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by people's positive compliments and by people's negative feedback.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into powerlessness and nervousness when I recieve negative feedback and to go  into excitement and self-worth when the feedback is positive.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that holding myself back is the norm in the society because it is better not to stand out by doing things differently or to be fully dedicated to things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my full dedication to something or to a project based on the idea that perfection will lead to criticism and judgements. I realise that these judgements exist primarily within me and these are related to the fear of being excluded for doing things perfectly well and as the best I can.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge my work (especially during my school years) by comparing it with my colleagues. I now see, realise and understand that I was feeding the idea and self-definition that I must be better than them, instead of doing my best for myself and to make sure that I develop my skills to reach my utmost potential.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of having the best grade or the best salary or the best relationship with my husband or to become the best of me in my life. At the same time, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me as the grades or any other system evaluation - I am aware that the system is not based on fairness or equality and therefore I must not define me as it and I commit myself to stand stable and to know where I stand as my Principles.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to value me only if others value me, which is a catch 22 considering that each one is us is in our own bubble. I realise that my self-worth must be unconditional and based on self-honesty only.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise my work as an extension of me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the reaction of dissatisfaction towards who I am and what I do. I realise that I am trying to fit in an idea (like a hologram) that exists in my mind and that I get frustrated when I am unable to play out such image of perfection.

I commit and assist myself to stop participating in the image of perfection in my mind because that it is not real. I realise that the "I'm not good enough" personality emerges from the images of the mind and from the comparisons with people that I have perceived to fit in the image of perfection in the mind. Therefore, by stopping participating in the image of the mind I am assisting me to start living perfection in my own actions, by learning and applying my skills to the best of me.

When and as I see myself participating in self-distrust, I stop and I breathe. I realise that self-distrust is based on previous experiences and in the accumulation of self-disappointment that I still use to justify the belief that I am not self-worthy and that I cannot trust myself to change me. I realise that my process of changing my relationship with myself exists in every moment of breath and therefore I commit myself to stop manipulating my present and future based on my past experiences and memories which are also a manipulation of the mind.

When and as I see myself participating in the polarity of feeling ashamed for doing something perfectly well and for explaining to others how I have done it, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I resist to talk about my merits based on the fear of being judged as egocentric and as smug. However, I realise that these are the judgements that I have created about myself. Therefore, I commit myself to assist me in standing for my actions, to talk about my actions without any judgement and, if a judgement come up, I commit myself to look into it in self-honesty and see for myself if there were any manifestations of the ego and of a "show off" personality (which is also motivated by competition, comparison and superiority/inferiority). If such personalities exist, then I correct myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself holding off my potential based on the idea that I want to fit in the image of humbleness, I stop and I breathe. I realise that every definition that I have created within me must be redefined so that I can allow myself to expand outside of my own self-judgement. I see that currently every definition that I have created about myself is being used to limit myself and to suppress my potential.

Therefore, I commit myself to investigate and redefine the word "humbleness" in order to align myself with the words and to start living the words for the best of me and for the best of this World.

I realise that any judgement that come up in my mind is an opportunity to correct the relationship I have with myself, and to direct me from self-judgement to self-worth, developing a self-supportive relationship with my own self.

I realise that the way the mind works holds on to the accepted self-definitions and judgments that I have imposed on me. From the moment I unconditionally embrace myself and investigate where self-distrust comes from, there are no judgement for the mind to hold on to anymore. It will require practice and consistency within me to reverse my mind and to start living the principle of self-worth.

Picture by Tiger Talk Series

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DAY 96: The Career Indecision Vírus

I realise that I easily underestimate myself and what I do.  In this, I also realise that my indecision and lack of self-security is like a virus that contaminates everything I do, which was also manifested in my attempt to play an instrument, which I never took seriously. I am now sharing some of the self-forgiveness that assisted me to open up the career points within me:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to others for not knowing what career should I take.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to compete with others when it comes to deciding a career.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hesitate in my career based on the fear of regretting my choice and for believing that it will be too late to change my own decision! In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my own decisions before even I take them or test them. I realise that the fear of failing is simply a fear of the mind - If I trust myself I am not failing on me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live the decision of being fearful instead of taking my decisions seriously and doing it for myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me as indecisive by taking another person’s advise as more relevant than my own decision, instead of realising that it is always me who walks the decision and therefore there is no such thing as being forced to do something – I am the one responsible for my actions and it is my call to listen to the other and then to decide for myself what is the best thing to do for myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see my decisions based on another person’s agreement, otherwise I perceive myself as doing the wrong thing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on another’s approval about what I do, what career to chose, instead of trusting me unconditionally and standing equal to another, without dependency but rather in mutual support.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that choosing a career path would take me away all my doubts like magic. I realise that I am the same whether I have a career path or not and that sooner or later I will have to clear my doubts and fears. This is my Process and every single episode of my life is a reflection of the points that I must deal with and transcend, in real-time.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see/believe that a career is something in a distant future that I project in my mind, instead of realising that I am creating me with every action and therefore my career will be the accumulation of my actions and activities/work in the world system. Within this I see that regardless of the professional field of work, I will always have to deal with my own self in order to be able to take the most of what I do to make sure that my career is aligned with the principles of Life, of giving as I would like to receive, of self-responsibility, of self-honesty, common sense, oneness and equality.

On my next blog I will walk the self-corrective statements.

Image: http://literaryemergency.com/2012/04/06/panicky-indecision/

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