DAY 129: Holding myself back and the accumulation of problems throughout time

As I mentioned on my last post, today I will walk the self-forgiveness in relation to the depressive state of mind of self-defeat that manifests when I am dealing with my studies for example.

Before I start, I will relate this pattern of depression and self-devaluation with the pattern of holding back to problems. What I mean by this is the habit that I created within me of always having something in the back of my mind preoccupying me. I actually can't remember the last time I was empty of concerns! Within this realisation, I must ask myself what kind of comfort do I experience for holding myself to problems - is this my agenda? What life am I creating for myself if I am always holding myself back to the anchor of definitions, of self-judgment and ideas about myself and the world? If I am holding myself to problems how am I able to create solutions?!

Why am I not applying myself in every moment to help myself?

It makes sense now - the pattern of accumulation of problems is a habit. That is why, despite the fact that I have all the tools I need to help myself dealing with my mind, I am still choosing to live the comfort of the mind. The accumulation of SOLUTIONS throughout time implies a constant correction throughout time too.

I have the time now to work on the points that are here, now.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me by the pattern/problem that I am working within me and therefore not walking out of the pattern/problem.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the comfort of "having to deal with something" is real, when in fact I am allowing myself to postpone the practical application of the solution for the problem.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the problem because that is all I have ever known and this idea gives me the comfort of the self-definition and habit.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone my practical application to problems such as stress and exhaustion at work or in my studies, that I see this is not supporting me to build the foundation for solutions within me and to apply myself in all that I do.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take every moment of my lifetime to walk my solutions and help myself to stop the problems/patterns within me, and by doing this, stopping the accumulation of problems over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my problems as "too big" and therefore justify the length it is taking me to transcend the problem. In self-honesty I realise that I must practically and actively participate in deconstructing the problem in every moment, through self-awareness, writing, real-time change, self-investigation, self-forgiveness and through self-corrective commitments otherwise it will not magically go away.

On my next post I will walk the self-corrective commitments as part of my decision to correct the problems and become my own solutions in this lifetime. In the meantime, I recommend listening to the interview What You Take For Granted - Life Review.

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DAY 123: Facing a REACTION - The Past Me and the New Me

Today I faced who I have been within a reaction - my old me that I visited again: I was nervous, stressed, could not think properly, I wanted to blame another and, despite of all the signs, I still wanted to justify this state of mind.  This time, however, there was a moment where the energy of the reaction was so deliberately strong that made me stop and see what I was doing to myself. Being aware of the pattern of reaction within me supported me to slow down and take a decision: the decision to not allow this consequence in my Life anymore - the decision to become the solution instead of feeding the problem - The decision to change who I am in the Present and, therefore, my Future.

So what was the problem?

The problem was that I could not find my tube card - for about 2 minutes I searched for it while trying to call my husband to check if he knew where the card was. After about 5 minutes I went into the experience of rush because I would be late for work. I kept on trying to contact my husband but he did not pick up.  I was literally on my own and it became clear that no one else could help me:  the same way that giving in into the mind-reaction in blame, anger and self-victimisation was also my creation. I noticed that it has been a long time since the last time I went into this stressful state of "fighting against the clock" and having my plans being delayed by an unexpected issue. It was also being accumulated by other small points that now seemed to be extremely big and justifying my belief of self-victimisation.

The Solution:

I decided to leave a voice mail on my husband's phone and in that moment I noticed the anger in my voice and the energy came up in a hiccup. In that moment, I dropped the call and I stopped - I physically stopped myself in the room and took a breath. I said to myself something like: "this situation is unacceptable - I am creating this experience to myself, I see that. I must become my solution. Blaming another for taking my card is not helping in any way so why do I do it? Instead, what can I actually do at the moment to make sure that I leave on time for work?"  From this moment, the whole scene changed. Instead of feeding the blame towards my husband, I directed my attention into a practical solution. Interestingly enough, I opened up my wallet again and I saw a backup card that I could use for the train too! Before, I remember to check my wallet and I could not see it even though it was there all the time! This says a lot about the whole blindness driven by the blame and reaction projected onto other people.

The reward:

The unexpected experience that before could have potentially conditioned and limited my day, I realise that it was a transcendance point within me that I was able to understand where it was coming from and how I could change myself and my reality. The deliberate change of attitude towards my reaction can work as a future reference to keep on applying my self-correction in every moment.

When my husband called me back a few minutes later, I could still recognise the traces of blame and anger in my communication even though I had already found a solution. In the end, my husband informed me that unfortunately the card had been left  in his jacket's pocket by mistake, and I reacted again. So additional points that I must look at are: - why do I want the other to see that I am reacting? What is reaction going to do to the other? Why do I believe that by reacting with another this is going to prevent the same point happening in the future?

When I left the bus I was physically stable within me, walking firm in my decision to not allow this experience to define the rest of my day. I took the tube and I wrote about this experience, about the point of blame, the spitefulness of reacting towards another in my communication and the desire to blame the other to justify the emotional energy, instead of stopping the reaction within me. I then realised that the reaction is of the past and of the present, but not necessarily of the future as long as I don't create/feed it. In self-honesty, it is my responsibility to become aware of the reaction, to breathe through the energy, to stop it from being projected and to release in from within, through self-forgiveness, breathing, writing and living the decision to breakthrough a pattern that otherwise could easily contaminate me and the reality around me.

 The old-reaction pattern was for the first time replaced by a real-time change in the way I saw the problem, I saw the solution and I decided to become it - embracing the New me that I am responsible for creating.

Art work by JL Kenney

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DAY 93: I also became a worry wart...

Do you know when someone tells you a story and you can see yourself in it? Well, what I heard today was based on a true story - this person was sharing her life review and, apart from a few details, the pattern that she was referring to is something that I face almost every day.

According to the dictionary, a worry wart is one who worries excessively, habitually and needlessly; thinks about unfortunate things that might happen; someone who spoils the pleasure of others (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/worrywart). I tried to find the corresponding expression in Portuguese but interestingly I couldn't find it. However, that does not mean that Portugal is free from worrywarts! I realise that the environment where I grew up had plenty of it and I become one as well.

The thoughts of worry and the ideas of what might happen became such a habit within me that, until I heard this interview today, I did not consider to review such pattern - well, I was aware that such thoughts were not bringing me any stability however I had not been specific enough to actually look at the small examples of my daily life and see how I was creating this experience of worry within me. For example, when I was reading a chapter of a book, I read the whole page and then I looked at the same page again to check if I had not missed any important point. This pattern started when I was about 14 years old and since then that I have been accepting such compulsive "double checks" which became part of my way of doing things. I remember this happening also when locking the car, by feeling an an anxiety within me and the need to go back and double check if I locked it. The problem that I found was that I thought I had to follow these thoughts, or something bad would happen and would regret not double checking.

Accumulating these thoughts throughout so many years is tiring but I never associated my exhaustion to this specific pattern! I started changing this pattern step by step and I restarted reading without looking back, taking the decision of trusting in me in every moment, however the pattern of worry is automatic in many of my decisions and indecision. I became a worrywart and I have been manifested it in my thoughts, words and actions. Until recently I have blamed the excess of work and the excess of effort I put into things for my exhaustion but much of my exhaustion comes from my own mind, from these rules that I have imposed unto myself and the constant thoughts of what can go wrong.

This is a big pattern within me and became a problem which I must investigate completely: its origins, its dimensions, its memories and the various thoughts associated to the worry energy. I am grateful that I heard this interview, I heard her experience and I realised that such pattern is not the way to go. How much of my potential am I missing by going into the state of worry?

I have this one-life opportunity to stop the mistakes that others taken before me and realise myself to my full potential.

Eqafe: https://eqafe.com/p/worry-wart-life-review

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Day 51: Everyone wants to hear "Everything is going to be alright..."

Within this dream state we live in our bubble worlds created and designed by our thoughts of grandeur and magnificence, we say these words to our children because that is our hope, we hope all will turn out ok and that all will be well in the end of this life, but that is just a hope. Something that neither can be tested to be true nor relied upon as fact. There is no certainty to our livelihoods here in this world as each day most beings scramble thru to make it, going against the grain in what feels like waves crashing over them such as the money system, the debt system, the consumerism system, the job system, to get enough money coming in to pay the bills and necessities. Working and working to keep this point of surviving going that is if they are able to keep there job or even get a job in this failing economy.
Garbrielle 

I wanted to share Garbrielle's words from the article "Why do we Lie to our Children?" as she amazingly uncovered the magic message behind the famous expression "Everything is going to be alright...".


Empty words based on an invisible hope that should not be necessary in first place, if we were all to live the words we speak.

How did we humans become so powerless that we seem unable to put into practice the security we want to see in the world? 
 
Expecting a father, a mother, a teacher, a president, a priest, a grandma or a friend to give the comfort of a future projection that won't be more than words. And because such comfort is not real, people desire it. Yet, the words of change are not applied so hope will vanish and things won't be alright for everyone. There is no real investigation for a solution and the promise will fade away.

It's all down to self-honesty.

We can also find such expression in movie scenes when someone is simply avoiding to tell how complicated a situation is. Everyone wants to behave like a hero towards somebody else, and everyone wants to believe in a hero that will fix the world. Why? Ask yourself! When was the last time you trusted yourself?


How will our children have a different future if we are clearly repeating historical patterns of survival? For how long are going to allow such illusionary game being projected, instead of finally stopping and standing up for structural changes in self-responsibility.

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Day 39: New technology, the same old patterns

Does technological progress prove that human beings are evolving?

In other words, what type of evolved beings do we want to become?

Inventions and products are all based on human beings. This makes sense since it is built by human beings. Everything that exists had origin in the mind of someone like you and me.

If we look at a computer for instance, it is the exact manifestation of how our mind works in terms of software and programmes that are downloaded, many were already included and will simply be updated throughout time. Just like human beings, we have our DNA and the uploads via education, new languages and other social inputs. Sometimes there is a virus that can manipulate all the activity of the computer and create the caos in other computers of the network, isn’t it?

So if the human mind is consumed and contaminated by the same old thinking, the creation will be the same – of course the materials will change and possibly the size, but the starting point of destruction, competition, greed, control and profit hasn’t changed.

Can our mind distinguish what is beneficial for us and what is destructive?

Enola Gay. By Ted H. Lambert*

If something is done repeatedly as a habit it will be difficult to see things in common sense and putted into perspective...

In 1783 a few men invented the first flying machine, later it developed into airplanes, in 1935 century Sylvia Pankhurst expressed her strong opposition against aerial warfare as a reminder of the danger of future wars and in 1945 the Boeing B-29 was the first aircraft to drop an atomic bomb … Is this the so-called evolution that we should dedicate our intelligence to?

Looking at History, we can easily identify the patterns of money, superiority, inferiority, control, power, degrees of slavery and inequality. Even when the intention is to support our existence here, the idea is soon corroded by the need for survival. 

Each one of us brings a whole baggage of millions of years of human existence accumulated and stored in our DNA, education, books, ways of thinking and traditions. All these patterns have been shaping the human behaviour and until this happen, the outcome of the human action will not change for real.

But do we really need to accept the same old patterns knowing that we have the skills and the potential do create a much better world?

In the end of the day, the human patterns and the human deception are projected into new platforms and inventions:

For instance, amazing computing skills are being applied into terrible products such as “RapeLay”, a video game where women are raped and the players are motivated by revenge.

This game was banned and Japan started to police game makers but the point to look at is the fact that it was developed, there were people working on this project because there was a market and an audience for it. Human beings have to stop themselves from participating is such deceptive thoughts, words and actions.

If we clean our minds of such destructive foundation, there will be space to consider other ways of doing things, that’s for sure.

It is a human responsibility to evolve from such patterns of self-interest and abuse. That is the real evolution, meaning, to change the starting point and the formula of our daily creation. This will consequently change the results on a planetary scale. 

Think about ev-all-u-tion, because what benefits all, will benefit you. An evolution that considers all Life. To create and not destroy; let’s stop creating things that are made to destroy. It is time to use our inventive skills in a totally new direction, instead of investing our brains and creativity in advertisements that simply hide and lie to us everyday.

New technology based on a really new thinking where human development, dignity, health, equality, creativity, discoveries and progress that benefit everyone is the priority. Then everyone can enjoy the amazing creations we are capable of. Life is here to last. We are all born to last. 

*Photo: Enola Gay bombardier Thomas Ferebee with the Norden Bombsight on Tinian after the dropping of Little Boy. (Wikimedia Commons)

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Day 12: How Do We Still Accept Things How They Are Now?

The same complaints all the time... Look at an History book: what a book the humanity has been writing, without even learning how to write first! Who taught us how we should direct ourselves, how should Life on this planet be supported, how things really work within our mind, how human are self-limiting themselves by fool believes, etc. etc. It is time to learn with ourselves and stop desiring a help from the ouside: we have now to speak in our common expression: which is LIFE!

Stop distractions,
Stop holding the breath!

Sometimes I find myself going into this point again: the illusion of emotions and finding motivations outside myself to move myself.

This is a mental illness. Every feeling of shame, of regret, of jealousy, of superiority and inferiority are all mental illnesses.

At least now I am able to stop by myself. The sooner I wake up the better. It is just unacceptable to ignore! i mean, when I heard that the poverty that has been existing since always, the people suffering, the disrespect for human life, the human trafficking, the corruption, the modern slavery, the abuse of animals and pants will all continue if the economic system doesn't change', well I must say that this was quite a disappointment for me - or should I say, it was the end of the illusion that I was holding on just because I didn't knew any solution for it. So far, my involvement in charities, political party and students group didn't bring me any global solution that would guarantee the end of such atrocities. Even working on the MIllennium Development Goals became such an issue because the more I was digging, the more sand was going back to the hole, by finding that many of the effort was part of such a big system that keeps things as they are... even before I was born! The hope was given to the 80's, times that were considered to generate a truly global development. I joined the boat in 1987 and 22 years later I was still making a research about the North-South inequalities and interdependence. This time, the 'old' social, political and economic constraints have new threats of a growing population, compromising the development in a global scale. New times, but the same patterns. The same complicated speeches and the same empty words without a committed action.

The majority of the world problems have roots in the economic system. Can you see it? Can you feelt it?

After all of this, it would be quite naif to ignore a solution that will most likely end with all the abusive chapters of our History. But it is not a word solution: it is all about taking action in any ways while enjoying the benefits of an Equal Money System and each single human being, whether in Portugal or in Tawain will receive a Life income, which will guarantee an equal amount of money for the basic human needs. Why equal? We all need food, shelter, education, health and we are all here equally - by this, no jealousy is allowed and no one will have to be worried about the other's survival - because all will have! (Like at the primary school!)
Interesting: this change in the way money has been used is what has been missing for the achievement of the 8 MDG's, the UN Declaration for Human Rights and all the constitutions! A dignified Life for all, without the bi-polarity of the mind and of the world inequalities (which we have created).

... Lets get back to the basis: the soil produces food everyday so there is no point to create our own cycle of poverty, which is lack of money and resources dominated by human. I can guarantee you that no one would be happy to see how the current system really works, controls, manipulates and complicates human life! By this, the question comes up: if this is what we know so far, imagine how things will be when we wake up from the sleep we don't even remember to fall into!

Stop the thinking = the action will be new
Equal Money System = Life will be manifested in all of us!

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