DAY 142: Why relationships escalate into conflict / boredom? How to Prevent it?

"One of the primary things in terms of conflict / boredom in relationships is that the MIND stays the SAME - being with one person, same minds...hm...perfect concoction for conflict / boredom, because previously, when you were 'single', your mind was stimulated by many different people and things most of the time... now you are exposed to ONE person, ONE mind and your one mind...all the time...with NO CHANGE..." Sunette Spies

I was reading this statement and I could relate to my own relationship with my partner. Additionally, I can also see the consequence of taking this conflict/boredom into its extreme by seeing other people's relationships falling apart. By bringing this point to myself, I see that there have been moments in my marriage/agreement where I thought that change would only arise if there was a drastic and radical change - for example, breaking up, or leaving, or not speaking with my partner - all kinds of drama scenes in movies can apply to this "need" to see change happening.

But does it really mean that I have changed?

Not at all.

Why?

Because such reactions are a sign that I am first and foremost bored with my own self; I believe that I am powerless to change the relationship, to act upon the situation, to change the other and mainly, to change myself.

These two last points are key - the belief that I am unable to change the other implies that I desire the other to change because I believe that this will make me feel better about myself. In self-honesty I see that the starting point has been of complete self-interest and not actually caring about the other and wanting the other to reach his fullest potential. I also realise that I am the only one able to change myself, to deal with my mind and create my own self-fulfilment.

Another pattern that happens within me is to get to the point of believing that I don't need to change because it is the other who is causing the instability within me. This is one of the best examples of blame and resistance to face my own mind and to investigating what is happening with myself.

Even though these moments are less frequent nowadays, whenever I go into conflict in my mind it assists me to write, to forgive the energy reaction, to forgive the blame, to forgive the resistance to speak with another, to forgive the shame of having all these reactions and thoughts, and it also assists me to listen to the Eqafe interviews for a new perspective on the point that I facing (by searching for keywords such as blame, change, hopelessness, relationship, etc.). When conflict emerges in my relationship to another it is an indicator that I have not stopped me from participating in the backchats of the mind and that I have not taken responsibility for the inner-conflict that exists within me.

A tricky example of boredom happens when I desire the reality to match an image in my mind and an idea of how things "should" be. I try to place this hologram in front of my reality but it does not fit - so it is easier to blame the reality rather than investigating the image/ idea that exists in my mind (- where did this idea come from? By whom was I influenced to believe in it? Why is this image so rigid?) which I have deliberately created for myself. It is also interesting to see that it is easier to focus on how things "should" be rather than looking at how things can be, based on practical reality and new solutions that can be applied now.

In the end of the day, I realise that I create my own hopelessness and suffering by believing that my mind is right and therefore, if my reality doesn't match it, then reality is wrong. I put pressure on me and on my partner unnecessarily because  I believe that the image in my mind will make me happy. So my happiness is dependent on an image and everything else is just wrong and is creating unhappiness.  Meanwhile, I go into judgement by thinking that what is here is not good enough - I judge me as not good enough, I judge the others as not good enough, I judge this world as not good enough, I judge my job as not good enough, I judge my career as not good enough, I judge my relationship as not good enough and I judge my life as not good enough.

Now I ask myself:

Did I ever consider that ALL that I was missing was ME? Did I ever Decide that I am Here and that I am capable of stopping the "not-good-enough" backchat? That things will not move and change if I am not willing to change myself? That my relationship with my partner will never change if I won't change my communication, my habits, my needs and beliefs? Did I ever consider that my life is stuck because I allow myself to be stuck in my own mind?

Just like Sunette described it, I realise that my mind goes easily into searching new things to think about, to get distracted by, to be motivated in order to escape from my own boredom. Time is invested in emotions, in experiences, in entertainment while the real cause of the problem (and the cause of the solution) is being missed. No matter how many new relationships I have again, how many new places I live, how many new people I meet, the same Me will be unstable unless I stop being unstable. This is the type of brutal self-honesty that is required.

Curiously enough, over the last years I haven't taken any radical change in my life but quite the opposite - my decisions are taken in greater consideration, through communicating with others, writing about it and being creative to find solutions never thought and allowed before. This has greatly assisted me in the process of creating my Self-Stability and unconditional Self-Trust. 

A self-honest decision is not a snap-decision or a reaction towards something or someone. The process of living the decision implies the commitment within oneself to change, to do things differently and to apply the decision in every moment of breath. 

I have been realising that I am the beginning and the end of my own life, meaning, that no matter what happens around me and inside me (such as emotions) I am fully responsible for it as my own creation. This also means that when I am not satisfied with something in my life, being it my job, my behaviour or my relationship with my partner, I must remind myself that I am fully responsible to change this point from this moment onwards. This is Real Self-Empowerment. This is Real Self-Change. This is Real Self-Trust. This is Real Self-Creation. This is a Real platform to build a relationship with another.

Finally, I have been also realising that I will face my mind for as long as I don't change myself - and this is actually where boredom comes from because it is tiring to see the same point coming over and over again and thinking that I am unable to change it or direct it to a different outcome. Actually, the mind works like a guidebook that shows me my thinking patterns, my habits, my addictions, my fears, my feelings and emotions, my judgements, my relationships, my ideas and my desires BUT it is up to me to RECREATE myself in order to change who I am in relation to each mind pattern and to move from reAction to creAction.

Supportive links:

https://eqafe.com/free

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

FREE Self-development course - http://lite.desteniiprocess.com 

Relationship Guidance - http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships

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DAY 123: Facing a REACTION - The Past Me and the New Me

Today I faced who I have been within a reaction - my old me that I visited again: I was nervous, stressed, could not think properly, I wanted to blame another and, despite of all the signs, I still wanted to justify this state of mind.  This time, however, there was a moment where the energy of the reaction was so deliberately strong that made me stop and see what I was doing to myself. Being aware of the pattern of reaction within me supported me to slow down and take a decision: the decision to not allow this consequence in my Life anymore - the decision to become the solution instead of feeding the problem - The decision to change who I am in the Present and, therefore, my Future.

So what was the problem?

The problem was that I could not find my tube card - for about 2 minutes I searched for it while trying to call my husband to check if he knew where the card was. After about 5 minutes I went into the experience of rush because I would be late for work. I kept on trying to contact my husband but he did not pick up.  I was literally on my own and it became clear that no one else could help me:  the same way that giving in into the mind-reaction in blame, anger and self-victimisation was also my creation. I noticed that it has been a long time since the last time I went into this stressful state of "fighting against the clock" and having my plans being delayed by an unexpected issue. It was also being accumulated by other small points that now seemed to be extremely big and justifying my belief of self-victimisation.

The Solution:

I decided to leave a voice mail on my husband's phone and in that moment I noticed the anger in my voice and the energy came up in a hiccup. In that moment, I dropped the call and I stopped - I physically stopped myself in the room and took a breath. I said to myself something like: "this situation is unacceptable - I am creating this experience to myself, I see that. I must become my solution. Blaming another for taking my card is not helping in any way so why do I do it? Instead, what can I actually do at the moment to make sure that I leave on time for work?"  From this moment, the whole scene changed. Instead of feeding the blame towards my husband, I directed my attention into a practical solution. Interestingly enough, I opened up my wallet again and I saw a backup card that I could use for the train too! Before, I remember to check my wallet and I could not see it even though it was there all the time! This says a lot about the whole blindness driven by the blame and reaction projected onto other people.

The reward:

The unexpected experience that before could have potentially conditioned and limited my day, I realise that it was a transcendance point within me that I was able to understand where it was coming from and how I could change myself and my reality. The deliberate change of attitude towards my reaction can work as a future reference to keep on applying my self-correction in every moment.

When my husband called me back a few minutes later, I could still recognise the traces of blame and anger in my communication even though I had already found a solution. In the end, my husband informed me that unfortunately the card had been left  in his jacket's pocket by mistake, and I reacted again. So additional points that I must look at are: - why do I want the other to see that I am reacting? What is reaction going to do to the other? Why do I believe that by reacting with another this is going to prevent the same point happening in the future?

When I left the bus I was physically stable within me, walking firm in my decision to not allow this experience to define the rest of my day. I took the tube and I wrote about this experience, about the point of blame, the spitefulness of reacting towards another in my communication and the desire to blame the other to justify the emotional energy, instead of stopping the reaction within me. I then realised that the reaction is of the past and of the present, but not necessarily of the future as long as I don't create/feed it. In self-honesty, it is my responsibility to become aware of the reaction, to breathe through the energy, to stop it from being projected and to release in from within, through self-forgiveness, breathing, writing and living the decision to breakthrough a pattern that otherwise could easily contaminate me and the reality around me.

 The old-reaction pattern was for the first time replaced by a real-time change in the way I saw the problem, I saw the solution and I decided to become it - embracing the New me that I am responsible for creating.

Art work by JL Kenney

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DAY 110: Self-responsibility during the storm - blinded by the fear and blame

The point of not embracing completely my responsibility for my acceptances and allowances came across when dealing with the point of blame. When I was younger, I remember to copy or agree with what another did or said until something went wrong and then my mind went automatically into blaming the other for my experience. The "funny" thing is that I could not find the blame point until now, however it is manifested in thoughts and backchats throughout my whole life. Probably, because I was educated to not blame another, I don't do it in front of the others or say "it was his/her fault"! But inside, there is a point of blame that I have been distracted by… and therefore missing THE point of self-responsibility.

I came across this point tonight, in the middle of a lightning storm, after my husband telling me to go with him to another place so we could see the lightning better. In my mind I feared leaving the house and crossing the garden to reach the other building - obviously it was the fear of death by getting struck by a lightning. I was having a conflict in my mind  because I was not taking the decision for myself but defining that moment as a pressure on me. Even though he was informing me that it was safe to walk that short distance, my imagination was already far far away… and the image that I was having was about me going behind my husband and being hit by a lightning.  

By bringing this point to myself I can see how I was blaming him for anything bad that could happen, when in fact, it was going to be always my decision to cross the garden - it was my legs walking, it was me breathing, it was me directing me. The fear was showing me all of these but all I could see was the fear in itself. I was blinded by the fear, not by the tropical lightning.

By investigating a childhood memory, I can see the blame pattern. When I was about 4 years old, I was playing a game with my sister (older than me) who at some point asked me if I wanted to go fast or slowly - I said fast and there we go: we both fell and I harmed myself in my mouth because I had the baby pacifier on. I can see that there were some elements that I did not take into consideration, such as our age difference, our different strength and physical conditions. Probably with 4 years old the point of self-responsibility was not yet understood however only today I was able to relate this experience to the tendency to live another's decision instead of embracing that decision as myself, as who I am in that moment, and take care of me to make sure that my decision is the best for me.

The other person is a facilitator but is not forcing me to do anything. If I walk or if I say something, it is time to be fully aware of the words I speak and the direction I take. There are so many elements that play out that I can only be aware of what happens within me, so this is a point to practice from now on. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that another knows more what I want to do or knows what is best for me more than I do about myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get distracted with the point of blaming another for my own experience of fear instead of giving me the moment to investigate my fear and to walk the decision by myself. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to relate the other person to my experience of fear (e.g. to my husband for inviting me to go out, my sister for suggesting going fast) when in fact I created the fear experience inside myself, I imagined the images in my mind, I took the decision to participate in the game and I was the one resisting to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my self-responsibility as all that I must do for myself as the Life that I am.

When and as I see myself believing that the other person is responsible for my decision because the idea of going somewhere came from the other person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that whatever I do or whatever I say is a manifestation of my acceptances and allowances in my mind, therefore, I commit myself to re-establish my relationship with myself in fully responsibility, so that I stand as an example of self-responsibility to myself and I support myself to be fearless when it comes to take a decision - I  support myself to trust my decision unconditionally and for that I commit myself to look at the present moment in self-awareness, in investigating the various options I have, in being flexible with myself and being my own solution in every moment. 

When and as I see myself going into my mind of imagination, fear and anticipation, I stop and I breathe. I realise that participating in the mind won't support me in dealing with the physical reality and that I must let go of the thoughts that are limiting my expression.

I am starting to see what is means to be hard on myself because the mind limits my expression every time I go into the imagination and anticipation, literally imposing an image unto my reality that is not the best for me.

Therefore, I support myself in slowing the mind down through breath in order to see that I have the ability and the responsibility to create myself here, in self-awareness and not copying what is going on in my mind or in the minds of others. For that, I commit myself to communicate with another to assess the options available and I commit myself to walk my decision in self-awareness, self-trust and enjoying living myself in self-responsibility in every moment.

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DAY 108: How do I make decisions?

I can decide to drift in the mind or to give me direction. Recently I have been noticing the thoughts that take me to the emptiness of uncertainty and it creates a feeling of powerlessness. This feeling of the mind, althought made of powerlessness, can have the power to contaminate my reality. I wonder if this is a life pattern that everyone faces. Is everyone living in between the mind and, very now and then, in this reality? Or never at all. My mind goes easily into a poetry moment when it comes to face the hard walls of my mind.

So at the moment I am living the decision to not drift into the mind of thoughts and I have decided to focus on a task that I proposed myself to do but that I forgot to actually start it. How many times it happens to start something with the best intentions to finish it (I can actually see the final product in my mind as if it is real) but the actual physical realisation never takes off completely from the initial motivation? Now that I am looking at this point, a new interesting dimension came up: when I imagine something being done, I associate it with how the time is portrayed in movies and in TV series - things happen in quantum decisions because I see the character thinking about something and the next scene the person is already doing it. Have I not tried to implement this quantum decision-making in my own life too?

How many times do I take a decision of slowing down and take the time to perfect myself but suddenly I change my decision based on the imagination of the next challenge - but when the challenge comes, I start thinking twice because I have not taken the time to establish my foundation. I must not take the quantum-action of series personally as I am walking this life in real-time. If decisions as based on imagination, then it is not trustworthy. I better test it in real-time and find out for myself if such decision works for me.

If I am constantly desiring to have a quantum-mind experience copying what happens in movies and series, the notion of time is going to be manipulated and this physical reality disregarded.

So the task that I am going to walk this week is to look at how I make decisions. It is a great timing as I am walking this point on my DIP lesson and I have been having an enormous resistance to walk the exercise of identifying the positive and the negative elements that make my decision-making. It is just unacceptable to waste this opportunity to support myself and change who and how I have been existing as.

Do I make decisions based on the movies and series' fiction-time? Or do I actually consider real time?

Do I make decisions based on the fear of loss?

Do I make decisions based on negative and positive feelings/emotions?

Is my decision based on common-sense?

Am I wanting to copy someone else? Am I wanting to be somebody else?

When I go into the mind, the past and the future dance with each other. It requires training to be in physical time, think in physical time and accept physical time. I must finally realise that my body requires a breath-in and a breath-out to function well and that my life-time is made of the breaths I take and give.

The decision to stop and write here and right now was not planned in my mind - I had to impose it to myself otherwise I would stay in the pre-programmed mode of imagining it and getting distracted with thoughts outside of me.

Thinking about other people's lives is also a point to consider that is manifested in the movies and TV series. A decision that I must take is to really investigate where my thoughts come from when I am looking at another's person life. I must decide to bring those points to myself - investigate where the comparison come from, what do I perceive the other has, how do I judge me in relation to the other, etc.  This will allow me to identify my mind-decisions and obviously support me in my correction from the mind to real-physical time. I will walk the decision point this week and I will be sharing some of my realisations that will eventually arise.

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DAY 97: Inflating my career - tendency to make things bigger than what they are

I realise that a career does not need to be inflated and perceived as something bigger than myself. I see that the complication that I created within me is a reflection of what I have been accepting and allowing within and as me. Now I can use this point to correct my tendency to inflate things/make things bigger than what they are (which generates the fear of the future by seeing my "life" separated from me).

The following self-corrective statements are a continuation of my previous post DAY: 16 The Career Indecision Vírus.

I commit myself to be practical in regards to my career decision and to simply apply myself in developing my communication skills, taking advantage of the fact that I speak multiple languages, always considering the practical requirements to work in the world system, motivating myself to learn and then direct me in a field of interest where I can expand myself.

I commit myself to study in order to practice common-sense and move myself from the starting point of looking at solutions to this world and change the world like I change myself.

I support me in working in the system to support myself to change the system, first by perfecting me and then in applying myself into perfecting the system.

I realise that the priority must be me, from within, in looking at the thoughts that I have, the indecision,  my acceptances and allowances, the relationships that I have created in my mind, the desires and projections for the future. From here, I realise that regardless of what I decide, it is always me directing me, and so I commit myself to live the decision of becoming my own self-stability, self-comfort and self-direction. This decision must then be applied into everything I do, including my daily job, career and participating in this world.

I commit myself to re-establish the relationship of self-trust and self-direction that I will then consequently apply into everything I decide to do and become. 

I commit myself to become the best of me in self-integrity, self-honesty and self-worth and to live it in any career or job or activities that I do.

I commit myself to respect and take my decisions seriously.

When and as I see myself distrusting a decision that I just made, I stop and I breathe. I realise that each and every single decision that I take "counts" in terms of my own creation - I realise that my distrust towards the career became a habit and a distraction, based on projections of how the future could be in this career, or that career, which is all based in the images/ideas/definitions/desires of the mind. As I agreed before, I am not defined by the image and perception that a career is usually associated with, such as the elitism, recognition, respect and prestige - I realise that all of these associations are the result of brainwashing on the unequal value that society (we) gives to its own people (ourselves). 

I commit myself to value each and every single person and their activity as worthy, without judgments of being more or less, but to rather look at the practicality of the existing careers and become my own example in making the most of my own actions and to actually transform my career in a way that addressed real-current issues in this world.

When and as I see myself starting to navigate in my mind projecting me into a future separated from me, based on information and ideas that I am imposing upon myself, I stop and I breathe.

I give me this opportunity to stop the confusion of my mind and to assess in self-honesty why am I creating a future against my own Life/stability - Therefore, I commit myself to bring the point here and see what is my starting point and what future/fear is my mind showing me that I must correct within me in my thoughts, words and actions. I support me in applying common sense in my own decisions and do the best thing for me, in real-time, in this present moment, in order to change the reality that I create to myself - and create heaven on earth, from within.

Sometimes I see that my indecisions are superficial based on greed (wanting to do and have everything) so I commit myself to take it easy and to stick to self-honesty, as to what is feasible and what steps I require to take in order to become my solution. I finally realise that a career can/must be a solution that is part of the bigger world solution for all of us, to recreate and live in a better world.

I commit myself to trust my own volition and I support myself to be aware of my own self-creation/world-participation in every moment. I have every moment to practice my self-confidence in my process of living my decision of correcting me, within and as my decisions, and perfecting me in walking the talk.

A world where a career is a real freedom-of-choice = Living Income Grant

Image 1: http://leadersinheels.com/lifestyle/5-secrets-for-successfully-juggling-a-business-with-children/

Image 2: http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/day-177-how-companies-justify-poverty-wages-the-solution-2/

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