DAY 129: Holding myself back and the accumulation of problems throughout time

As I mentioned on my last post, today I will walk the self-forgiveness in relation to the depressive state of mind of self-defeat that manifests when I am dealing with my studies for example.

Before I start, I will relate this pattern of depression and self-devaluation with the pattern of holding back to problems. What I mean by this is the habit that I created within me of always having something in the back of my mind preoccupying me. I actually can't remember the last time I was empty of concerns! Within this realisation, I must ask myself what kind of comfort do I experience for holding myself to problems - is this my agenda? What life am I creating for myself if I am always holding myself back to the anchor of definitions, of self-judgment and ideas about myself and the world? If I am holding myself to problems how am I able to create solutions?!

Why am I not applying myself in every moment to help myself?

It makes sense now - the pattern of accumulation of problems is a habit. That is why, despite the fact that I have all the tools I need to help myself dealing with my mind, I am still choosing to live the comfort of the mind. The accumulation of SOLUTIONS throughout time implies a constant correction throughout time too.

I have the time now to work on the points that are here, now.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me by the pattern/problem that I am working within me and therefore not walking out of the pattern/problem.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the comfort of "having to deal with something" is real, when in fact I am allowing myself to postpone the practical application of the solution for the problem.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the problem because that is all I have ever known and this idea gives me the comfort of the self-definition and habit.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone my practical application to problems such as stress and exhaustion at work or in my studies, that I see this is not supporting me to build the foundation for solutions within me and to apply myself in all that I do.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take every moment of my lifetime to walk my solutions and help myself to stop the problems/patterns within me, and by doing this, stopping the accumulation of problems over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my problems as "too big" and therefore justify the length it is taking me to transcend the problem. In self-honesty I realise that I must practically and actively participate in deconstructing the problem in every moment, through self-awareness, writing, real-time change, self-investigation, self-forgiveness and through self-corrective commitments otherwise it will not magically go away.

On my next post I will walk the self-corrective commitments as part of my decision to correct the problems and become my own solutions in this lifetime. In the meantime, I recommend listening to the interview What You Take For Granted - Life Review.

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DAY 123: Facing a REACTION - The Past Me and the New Me

Today I faced who I have been within a reaction - my old me that I visited again: I was nervous, stressed, could not think properly, I wanted to blame another and, despite of all the signs, I still wanted to justify this state of mind.  This time, however, there was a moment where the energy of the reaction was so deliberately strong that made me stop and see what I was doing to myself. Being aware of the pattern of reaction within me supported me to slow down and take a decision: the decision to not allow this consequence in my Life anymore - the decision to become the solution instead of feeding the problem - The decision to change who I am in the Present and, therefore, my Future.

So what was the problem?

The problem was that I could not find my tube card - for about 2 minutes I searched for it while trying to call my husband to check if he knew where the card was. After about 5 minutes I went into the experience of rush because I would be late for work. I kept on trying to contact my husband but he did not pick up.  I was literally on my own and it became clear that no one else could help me:  the same way that giving in into the mind-reaction in blame, anger and self-victimisation was also my creation. I noticed that it has been a long time since the last time I went into this stressful state of "fighting against the clock" and having my plans being delayed by an unexpected issue. It was also being accumulated by other small points that now seemed to be extremely big and justifying my belief of self-victimisation.

The Solution:

I decided to leave a voice mail on my husband's phone and in that moment I noticed the anger in my voice and the energy came up in a hiccup. In that moment, I dropped the call and I stopped - I physically stopped myself in the room and took a breath. I said to myself something like: "this situation is unacceptable - I am creating this experience to myself, I see that. I must become my solution. Blaming another for taking my card is not helping in any way so why do I do it? Instead, what can I actually do at the moment to make sure that I leave on time for work?"  From this moment, the whole scene changed. Instead of feeding the blame towards my husband, I directed my attention into a practical solution. Interestingly enough, I opened up my wallet again and I saw a backup card that I could use for the train too! Before, I remember to check my wallet and I could not see it even though it was there all the time! This says a lot about the whole blindness driven by the blame and reaction projected onto other people.

The reward:

The unexpected experience that before could have potentially conditioned and limited my day, I realise that it was a transcendance point within me that I was able to understand where it was coming from and how I could change myself and my reality. The deliberate change of attitude towards my reaction can work as a future reference to keep on applying my self-correction in every moment.

When my husband called me back a few minutes later, I could still recognise the traces of blame and anger in my communication even though I had already found a solution. In the end, my husband informed me that unfortunately the card had been left  in his jacket's pocket by mistake, and I reacted again. So additional points that I must look at are: - why do I want the other to see that I am reacting? What is reaction going to do to the other? Why do I believe that by reacting with another this is going to prevent the same point happening in the future?

When I left the bus I was physically stable within me, walking firm in my decision to not allow this experience to define the rest of my day. I took the tube and I wrote about this experience, about the point of blame, the spitefulness of reacting towards another in my communication and the desire to blame the other to justify the emotional energy, instead of stopping the reaction within me. I then realised that the reaction is of the past and of the present, but not necessarily of the future as long as I don't create/feed it. In self-honesty, it is my responsibility to become aware of the reaction, to breathe through the energy, to stop it from being projected and to release in from within, through self-forgiveness, breathing, writing and living the decision to breakthrough a pattern that otherwise could easily contaminate me and the reality around me.

 The old-reaction pattern was for the first time replaced by a real-time change in the way I saw the problem, I saw the solution and I decided to become it - embracing the New me that I am responsible for creating.

Art work by JL Kenney

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Day 71: Powerlessness is not a disease: what would you do if money was not an issue?

I was going home. The traffic. The rush hour in London. I forgot to breathe all journey but I was moving. I became a robot. Separation all around. Why are we all going in circles? Why do we need to work from 9-5? Why I cannot smile at the moment? What is all this deception? Are we growing for THIS? Yesterday a child, today I am an image. Why are we all surviving? Until when are we rushing? Why can't we STOP?

I stop. I need to write this:

The best way I can help the world, meaning, to make Life on Earth the best it can be, is in bringing about the Equal Money System. It is not about the System in itselfbut that which it will bring to all living beings here. Equal money for all will be real freedom for all to express ourselves as who we really are. Empowering everyone equally. 

If you cannot see this, let me tell you: you have allowed yourself to accept such blindness. Self-honestly speaking, what would you be doing right now if money was not an issue?

How much time would we have more?

What are we doing here? Why can't we have time to ask questions? Do we know everything? So tell me: why do we accept life as a prison? For whom are we working for? How many times have we gave up? Who decides what?

There is little time for questions. There is little time to breathe. However, time is always here. Life is always here. What the hell are we doing here? Why are we creating hell on earth?

Powerlessness is not a disease. It's a habit.

How far does Humanity need to go to see that we are limiting ourselves with our own bulshit?

Empower this project. Stand UP. We can't do this alone. Support the Equal Money System in your blog, in social media, at school, etc. See that there is a SOLUTION to this current mess. Let's create heaven on Earth.

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