Day 99: Career anticipation - the fear of failing and the fear of succeeding

I realise that the energetic fear of failing and the constant need to fight for something has been working as a motivator, as a challenge and, after all, as a BIG distraction in my own mind. By this, I realise that I am the one holding myself back and procrastinating my own life, my potential of life and my time on earth to become the best of me.

This is a continuation of the self-corrective statements shared on the DAY 17: Inflating my career - tendency to make things bigger than what they are

When and as I see myself reacting to my own decisions based on the fear of failing and the thoughts of anticipation I stop and I breathe. I realise that these thoughts are not real and are not who I really are but they show me patterns that I must deal with, understand where these fears come from and take the decision to walk through it in self-direction and self-confidence to change who I have become.

I commit myself to stop fighting with my own mind and therefore to stop the reaction in me – I realise that the anticipation thoughts show me my tendency to complicate and to fear my own decisions. From here, I commit myself to trust myself in my own decisions and to recreate my relationship with myself, this time in actually taking decisions in common sense and then support me in living my decisions in real-time. I realise that the hope for miracles of god is an illusions and that I have the tools within me to make the best of my time on earth.

I commit myself to focus on my priorities and therefore I commit myself to direct me to dedicate my time to my Process (self-care, my daily writing, my reading of other Destonians, the DIP and my agreement with Joao), my job (financial stability) and my self-expansion in my contribution to the world system.

When and as I see myself fearing and believing that I am going to fail because I perceive me as not good enough for my own decisions, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the fear of failing is based on a bunch of perceptions that I have created about the various careers and that I have excluded my options based on this same fear of failing without even starting it.

I commit myself to not define me by my career, to stop the perceptions related to specific careers and to start looking at the professional activities as practical requirements in this world.

I commit myself to stop hiding myself behind a name or a career because a career is not more than me – I realise that everything that I do is me and that my success in my career is the result of my dedication what I am doing, and this “self-success” applies to everything that I do.

When and as I see myself fearing my self-success, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to not distract me with the fear of failure, nor with the idea of competing with someone or fighting for something, but to rather live my decisions to its fullest and to then dedicate myself to new things, instead of holding me back to the comfort of that which I already know. I see now that I have been holding myself by participating in the pattern of indecision, to the pattern of fear of changing and to the distractions of the mind, so I realise that by walking these patterns I am actually changing myself an changing my decisions, this time with a starting point of self-honesty, self-direction, self-correction and self-realization.

Illustration: Eqafe interview: Anticipation: Developing Self Trust - Atlanteans - Part 116 

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DAY 94: Competition with males, females and my own self

The self-forgiveness shared below assisted me to look at the point of competition with others. Curiously, the word competition has a "petition" in it and, according to the dictionary, one of its meanings is "to make an appeal to (a deity or superior)". So, already in the word I see that the relationships of competition is based on the polarity of superiority/inferiority and the perceived power in relation to the other. In this Process of Self-honesty, I bring the point to myself to understand how I am creating such energy within me and how is it manifested in the relationship with myself and consequently with others.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get distracted with the energy of competition in my relationship to other people instead of realising that competition/the need to compete is a distraction of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energy of competition, love and fear in my relationship with males, as if we need to be in constant provocation. Within this, I realise that this is actually a sabotage by wanting to deliberately use another's feelings for my own self-appreciation and self-worthiness as I perceived myself to be dependent on another’s attention.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less than Life when I am rejected by a male, which is based on the belief that the other completes me and because I see the other as a proof that I must be cool otherwise he would not be with me. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as superior or inferior when I have a partner or when I don’t have a partner.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on another’s approval about what I do and what I say, instead of trusting me unconditionally and standing equal to another, without dependency but rather in mutual support. I realise that I wish another to ask for my help to make me feel worthy, when in fact I am not giving me my own self-support. Each one is responsible for support oneself-first and then simply support another as self.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energy of competition in my relationship with females, which I now realise that it is the same relationship that I have with males and therefore it is a pattern within me that I must become aware of and correct.

Self-corrective Statements

When and as I see myself participating in the energy of competition with another person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this Process is about Me, as who I am in every moment. I realise that this personality of competition is not who I want to be and it actually creates stress within me, almost like a bomb-clock that activates based on the belief that I must win/or be faster/or be better/or make more money, when all of this does not create any support for none of us and it actually creates friction and unstability in my relationship with others.

When and as I see myself wanting to be the leader and superior in a relationship with another, either a male or a female, I stop and I breathe. In fact, I realise that it was not about the gender, but it is my starting point of competition in my relationship with others that actually reveals my lack of self-worthiness. From here, I understand that there is this perceived inferiority that I try to hide from myself and then I try to cover up by going into the other polarity of wanting to be superior, hidden behind personalities, never considering to stand Equal and One with/as the other, in the moment, without trying to show off or do anything to prove myself to another.

I commit myself to stop the idea that males are naturally more confident than women. I realise that this is actually an excuse for me to not change and become confident in my actions.

I commit myself to stop existing using the male personalities as a reference that I must copy and become, instead of learning both with males and females if there are any characteristics that I see will support me in creating my stability in my life.

I commit myself to understand and investigate where the energy of competition comes from; what is the point that I want to compete against; and then walk that point in order to become it, instead of seeing it as separated from me. I realise that the energy of competition is a protection of the ego to not learn with another, not change the relationship with myself and keep the time-loop in regards to that specific point.

References: http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/petition

Picture: Credit: Mark Philbrick/BYU http://phys.org/news/2013-02-gender-gap-school-math-competitions.html

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Day 75: When competition plays the game: fear of loss and jealousy

Who am I without competition?  Can you imagine Life without compitytion? It is a pity that we still haven't changed our participation in this world as such.

This point has been so ingrained in my actions that I couldn't see it anymore. Slowly but surely I am walking this process of realising Self as Life where competition is not part of the equation. Why? Because competition is in fact an internal fight of the ego that feeds the mind with its energetic highs and lows. Considering that all is Equal and One, and if I allow competition to exist within and as me, I am the one competing with myself - and this system is the manifestation of self-competition/self-abuse/separation from self and others as self.

Two interesting examples where one can self-investigate the pattern of competition is in sports and in relationships.

On a recent tennis match, I saw many points coming through while I was playing: for instance, the image of me winning the game; the perception of being better than my opponent based on our physical appearances; the ego-driven energy of desiring to win; the fear of failure (losing the game); and the shame of telling others the result in case of losing. All these distractions and comparisons (com-prison) of the mind were in fact interfering with my real action.

 The programme of my conscious mind was literally playing the game... I was the one allowing this game of competition to take place. As soon as I saw the point of competition rising in my thoughts, I stopped and I directed these points through self-forgiveness:

So I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in the desire of winning... and in the fear of losing, etc., because none of it is real! See: the mind works in polarities- the positive and the negative - and this friction creates conflict which generates the energy to fuel the mind. So we are actually feeding our own bullshit in a cycle of stupidity.  

 Both the negative and the positive points must be investigated since this is part of the same pattern of competition. So I stop and I see how I participate in sports. I then realise that who I am during the game is not dependent on competition - I play with my body, not with the mind. Do I really want to be unstable? Is this how I want to participate in this world towards another human being? Is this how I want to be treated by others? My opponent was probably having a similar backchat and that is the mental fight that humans are busy with.... Even though none of it is real, each one is responsible for its manifestation and how it plays out in this world.

Interestingly, this pattern is found in all human interactions. Let's look at the relationship between two people, where one seeks for another's attention in the mind game called love. By believing that the other person fills the other half of self (which by itself is impossible to be halved), there is going to be the fear of lost, the fear of being alone and a complete dependency.

As it is presented in Anu's interview on control, the very foundation of relationships is deception because you are accepting points in the other that you believe to be separated from you and that you are not being/allowing as you - that is where dependency comes from.

Human beings will then enter in the game of self-sabotage, self-distrust and control around self, based on image-ination. By accepting and allowing accepted relationship towards self and another, one will be always in active competition with  potential "external players"  - the outcome manifested in this world is commonly known as jealousy.

The polarity of inferior-negative is also manifested here: one accepts to be inferior to the partner (which is projected in this world as a desire for protection), while at the same time desires to show superiority towards other human beings (e.g. other women), pretty much like defending one's territory. 

Since one is entertained with this game, it is required a lot of self-honesty to realise that the competition is actually towards self, and always SELF. These patterns are actually showing self that one is not absolutely complete/stable/satisfied alone (as Life) and that is not allowing self to be Trustworthy, to Trust Self and to stand One and Equal with other beings, as Self.

I am currently walking these points of competition in my writings through self-forgiveness,  looking at the multiple personalities that I have created towards women that interact with Joao, looking at my backchat and forgive each point as it pops up. Interestingly, the women that I perceive as a "threat" to this survival instinct of the mind, are women that I consider as superior to me - in this case, I must investigate what points I see in them that I am not yet Living as self. It is my responsibility to clean up the mess inside me and recreate self as the best of me, for the best of All. This is the only way to support self in bringing self back to the principles of Life, as Oneness and Equality as all that exists.

Competing with Self (and others as self) is a lost fight. One is actually destroying self and consequently this world. Can you see how we are in fact creating wars in this world? Have a look at the fear of losing power, the need to control and the greediness of survival - these have all the same starting point  of competition over resources. Now have a look at how in your Life you are feeding such patterns. Fascinating isn't it? Now you know what to do.

For more information on Self-Forgiveness:

2012 - When Self Forgiveness is Real?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjKJGRfkOww&feature=youtu.be

Anu’s interview about Control:

http://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-life-map-to-the-kingdom-of-heaven-part-19

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