Day 154: Agreement Support series: "Why won't he listen to me?"

In this post I am starting a new series where I will share points about couple relationships based on my own experience of being a woman and in an Agreement with my husband.

The question "Why is he not listening to me?" arose when I was trying to help my partner but he was closed within his own mind, not wanting to see the common sense and support that I was giving him. There are many dimensions that I could cover but the one that I find really helpful for me to understand is what I can do in such situations. Who am I going to be in the face of a possession of another?

By possession in this context I mean when another is reacting in a personality of righteousness and ego, of separation towards myself and not looking for solutions but rather focus all the attention on the problem.

There have been times in my life where I can see what another is experiencing and that I am rejected when I try to help: I am told that there is nothing that I will say that will help, or that I don't understand, or that the other wants to be alone. Until now I have taken such comments personally and ended up thinking that I was the problem, that I was the one not able to help another, and feeling powerless towards another.

Recently I faced this point and I was surprisingly stable within me, not allowing emotions to manipulate and sabotage myself. My partner was facing a big resistance to see common sense and to listen to the support that I was giving, but this time I stood next to him and not allowed myself to feel influenced by another's possession. I used to think of me as a sponge that allows other emotions and fears to penetrate into myself but now I see that the attitude of resistance and rejection of another is the green light for me to stand stable no matter what and to be determined in supporting another without waiting for an immediate effect/reward or success.

Despite this attitude within me, the next day, I wasn't so certain about my ability to stand stable and I could see my self-trust diminishing, as if during the night I had been contaminated by the words of rejection. At night, when we both sat down to talk about our relationship, something fascinating happened: my partner had reconsider his attitude, wrote about his possession and had written specific commitments to support himself and to accept my help; on the other hand, I had actually started to give up on my ability to help him and began to imagine that we would be better away from each other. During our conversation we talked with each other in self-honesty about our shared fears, our shared and individual goals, and about the emotional reactions that we both allowed ourselves to go into. During our open chat, my partner confessed that my words resonated with him and were in fact key to assist him in seeing what he was doing to himself.

Below is the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statement that I assist me in living from now on:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability to remain stable unconditionally despite of what my partner says to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the imagination associated to the fear of rupture.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless to assist my partner as if I don't know him anymore. I see, realise and understand that it is my responsibility to stand for and as our agreement especially in moments where he is not trusting himself to do so.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to cloud my awareness and stability with projections of the future that is based on snap decisions and imagination.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stand stable despite the images and the fear that I see in my mind.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to remain 100% stable when I see thoughts in my mind that are not based on the present facts but it is a story that I am telling myself and a parallel life built in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from people's possessions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by distrust and imagination based on the reactions I see in my partner.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that our possessions and emotions are real and to believe that the decisions taken in the mind are real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my partner's reaction and thoughts, instead of allowing myself to see the influence and to decide not to become it.

I see, realise and understand that I have first and foremost an Agreement with myself to be the best I can be, to trust myself in my Process of changing automatic reactions, and to recreate my self-stability for and by myself.

I see, realise and understand that no decisions can be taken of the mind because the backchat and the reactions do not lead to what is best for all: in fact, I see, realise and understand that such backchat is based purely on survival and fear, and so none of this is valid if we want to build a Life  that is best for both of us.

When and as I see myself distrusting my ability to stand stable in face of another's possession, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am responsible for any reaction, feeling or thought that I have within myself in relation to another being.

When and as I see myself imagining taking a decision in my mind when it comes to our agreement (or any decision), I stop and I breathe.

I empower myself to remain here and to not go into the mind of thoughts and imagination.

I commit myself to look at the facts in this present time and to empower my ability to see what is the best for both us, not based on emotions but in common sense and self-responsibility.

I commit myself to realise that what I see in my mind as my imagination is an automated programme that I am responsible for directing, for stopping and for changing in order to change who I am in the present moment and therefore my future.

When and as I see myself thinking that rupture is the only option to deal with our possessions, I stop  and I breathe.

I commit myself to stop the emotion and move beyond the resistance to stand as myself, to trust myself as life and to see that the entertainment of the emotions and fears is a point that I am able to stop in one breath and give me direction.

When and as I see myself wanting to be away from my partner based on the belief that I can't help him because I don't see him applying what I tell him, I stop and I breathe. In this, I see that I will not save another with my words and that I cannot expect another to change because I ask so. I see that he must be the one supporting himself in every moment and that the only way I can help him is by standing as an example to myself, by standing stable, by stopping the thoughts, the emotions, the fears, and by being present unconditionally.

I commit myself to give me time to understand what my partner is going through in his life and I assist me in taking part in the conversation from a starting point of equality and commitment to create the best solutions for both of us.

When and as I see myself thinking that the imagination is real, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to strengthen my self-stability when I am facing a mind possession by recognising that these images are in my imagination only and that I am capable of giving me direction to stop the mind and to remain always as the solution to my own self, to decide what is best for me and to give me direction.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in my relationship with my partner.

I commit myself to stand as Life when dealing with another's mind.

Finally, I commit myself to let go of the ideas, fears and imagination that I think about in the mind, and I focus on the present moment, on the information that is here and in my direction in taking decisions that are based on common sense and what is best for both of us and our Agreement.

* An Agreement is when two beings decide to walk the Process of investigating their minds to become aware of themselves and support each other to reach their utmost potential.

Recommended material:

Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self

The Best & The Worst - Relationship Success Support

Relationships and Agreements

The Power of Listening (Part 2)

Picture found on Pinterest.

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DAY 153: Facing Fear Series: Exposing The Fear of Flying

In this blog I am starting a new series of articles that reflect my process of facing my fears - the fears that I have accepted to be me and to exist as it. Even if some of the fears that I will explore don't resonate directly with yours, I recommend reading it from a starting point of seeing the patterns and assisting yourself to identify yours.

In my self-investigation I am realising that the experience of fear towards something or someone is simply the tip of the iceberg: once I start digging further I see that it is no longer the fear itself (the experience of nervousness, reaction, automatic anxiety, thoughts and images)  but what is underneath all of this: what in my personal history has lead me to this moment in time where I fear this or that; how have I created my life based on the fear; what does this fear tell about me and my relationship with myself; why do I keep participating in it; who benefits from the fear; what consequences does it bring; what can I learn from it; and how can I change myself to stop feeding and creating more fear.

The process of bringing the fears to myself demystifies much of the mystery behind fears: the initial energy felt in my chest starts to slow down as I direct myself to understand the fear and to not fear the fear itself.

To kick off this series I will share a fear that I have personally been ashamed of and I don't think I ever shared my writings about it: the fear of flying on a plane.

I faced it very recently and it was actually during this experience that I decided within me to open it up to the world - if I have been hiding it from others (and myself) this may be happening to other people. The primary reason to open it up is first and foremost to say ENOUGH to this fear, begin the process of forgiving myself and letting it go. Until now, every time I go on a trip I face a time-loop: the same thoughts, the imagination of an accident, the paranoia, the cold in my body, the anticipation of the worse case scenario, and ultimately the fear of dying.

As I was writing this blog I typed the words "fear of" and the automatic suggestion of Google was "fear of flying". Apparently I am not the only one and I wonder how other people deal with it (or not). In my case, this fear reaction is very specific and only emerges when I have a trip planned - sometimes it also influences me in the process of planning but it has never reached the point where I don't go on a trip stopped by the fear. Nevertheless, from the moment I book it, to the experience of being in the plane until I land safe and I leave the plane I have always participated in the fear emotion.

It is relevant to mention that since this fear is very specific, I don't experience it "outside" the environment of flying or planning a trip, which is quite tricky because either I write about the fear in that moment or it will not be easy to replicate it to investigate the various dimensions of the fear. As soon as I allow myself to pass the fear of facing the fear itself, I pick up my notebook and I write. Initially it is as if I have a blank and don't know where to begin, but then I simply start writing what I am experiencing. Then, I write my self-forgiveness statements about the experience that I am allowing inside myself. I will share my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in my next blog but for now I wanted to first open up the point and lay down the practical ways that each one of us can face the bogus personality that exist in our minds.

An interesting thing that happened last time I took a plane was that I could clearly see beyond the fear. Since I have been walking this process for sometime and I knew already my reactions and the thoughts, I deliberately stopped and asked myself the questions: if I bring this point to myself, what do I see? If I am distrusting the pilot, what does that say about me? What am I projecting towards another? If I am blaming the market/businesses for putting profit above security, what does this thought show about me? If I am here but fearing to not be here (death) what am I accepting inside myself? Why do I create the experience of disempowerment to my own self?

For the first time I saw that the relationship that I have created to flying is an opportunity to get to know myself, my thinking, my concerns, my vulnerabilities and, ultimately, the points that need correction. As with any fear, I can see my pre-programmed behaviour that is almost outside of my control unless I realise that I am responsible for directing myself and for stopping/de-programme/change my mind. The fact that I was ashamed of sharing this fear publicly is another indicator of the self-sabotage that I am allowing to occur: shame is another personality that emerges with fear and that is justified with ideas about myself, about how I must act with others, what I must pretend to be or not to be. All of this is pointless because this is a process of self-honesty whereby I am the only one responsible for the thoughts, personalities and behaviour that I allow within me, so hiding it from others would be mainly about hiding this point from myself. Finally, this is a process of layers and one layer must go in order to make other layers visible and let go of the layers-burden that limit my life, my expression and my movement Here.

In the next blog I will start by sharing the memory of my first flight, the fears that emerged many years ago and the practical ways that I am assisting myself to slow down the mind, stop the fear and allow me to stay grounded even when flying high.

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DAY 122: Being the pillar of my own life in my decision-making

Very recently I noticed a strong emotional attachment manifested towards people very close to me when I started having thoughts about a plane crash caused by the storm that day. The emotional reaction was manifested in an extreme anxiety, nervousness, impatience and physical unfocus on what I was doing. I decided to stop myself, sit down and start typing Self-Forgiveness statements about the thoughts and fears that I was experiencing inside me. 

I am grateful for taking the decision to stop and to deal with the energetic fear of the mind in that moment and not accumulate the point within me.

I looked at the emotions related to the fear of losing people that are dear to me. Underneath the first layers, I started to see points of comparison, judgments, self-judgments, guilt, regret, needs, acceptances and hopes in my relationship to them. The "magic" of self-forgiveness is that the points are brought to myself, and in that moment I could see these exact same points existing towards my own self (but being projected unto others).

I now see that starting the self-forgiveness was just the beginning of that which is a big point within me that I am still walking. I realise  the point of standing stable alone, as an individual pillar of my own life.

The inner-threat of losing people close to me triggered a self-sabotage point in a very specific moment of my life, when I have to take decisions that also affect other people and that it might not be that which I am expected to say or do. A good analogy is the moment when I say No to alcohol against all the odds because all my family, most of my friends and probably the majority of society drinks, even though it is a drug. I can explain all the consequences of it but some people are not willing to hear because alcohol became a habit, a point of comfort and a "solution" without seeing the long-term consequences. The point that I am facing in my life is based on a growing awareness within me in regards to what is supportive and what is not, and the point of being  responsible for what I accept and allow inside and outside me.

I am realising that if I don't stand as my decision of not accepting and allowing certain things in my words and actions, the point of staggering will continue, because I am not living my decision in absolute certainty. If I don't clearly state that "I don't drink alcohol", people will still attempt to offer me a glass of wine. My decision is never dependent on others and my lack of application is never to blame others. Even when they know, they will probably still try to offer me a glass of wine so that I join the group and they feel good about themselves (self-interest). All I must do is to stand stable within my self-awareness and self-correction based on the realisation of the consequences of my decisions and not allow myself to be manipulated by emotions (either mine or theirs), which happens when I am not assertive and loyal to my own decision to do and say that which I accept and allow in/for my life.

On my next post I will expand on the point of taking decisions to appreciate others.

 Artwork by Andrew Gable

http://andrewgableart.com/

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DAY 114: Haunted by Memories

I never considered that memories could be harmful, even though I had already noticed that memories bring instability caused by the emotional attachment towards the memory: good or bad, memories still have an impact in my reality and, by allowing such emotions to control my present, I am getting stuck in the mind. Not only mentally stuck, but physically sick. My body has been a reference to when I am unstable and lately I am having strong belly pain, unable to stand up for too long and diarrhea. It is not a coincidence because the pain manifests with specific thoughts (fears) and the location is also specific (the solar plexus) where the fear energy gets accumulated - it is amazing.
One memory that "haunted" me recently was about a car accident that happened to a friend of mine during my primary school years. I have never wrote about this memory but it is part of a repeating thought that pops up often when I am in the car with friends. Her name was Margarida and she died on that car accident - it was one of my first encounters with death and it was weird to see and to feel ta contagious sadness among the people at the funeral. At the same time, everybody was speaking about her and recognising her existence ("did people do that when she was alive?").
 The emotion attached to this memory is fear and confusion: fear that a car accident could also happen to me, and confusion for not knowing why she died, why her and not any other of us? I don't remember anyone explaining me what death was apart from the same old-story that she is an angel in the sky.

The point of sharing this memory is to investigate the emotions within the memory in order to support me to understand how my mind works and how to assist myself in recreating my stability.

I see, realise and understand that it is not a coincidence that this memory pops-up often in my mind and I will be walking the Self-Forgiveness on my next post.

 Artwork by Andrew Gable: http://andrewgableart.com/store/inside-the-mind-original-drawing/

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DAY 112: My Pre-programmed fears and other person's fears

Recently I was having a conversation with someone very close to me and I said that I was taking care of the horses, which is something new to me and to the other person. I was enthusiastic about fetching the horses, walking next to them, giving them a carrot, checking ticks, preparing their bed, water and food. I noticed that even though the other was glad to hear the cool things I have been doing, there was preoccupation and one thing that the person said to me was "don't forget the horses also bite". In that moment I went into a small reaction of "hey, don't worry, they are ok. You don't have to think about that". Within me, however, I was angry because I thought that the other was passing me a new fear for me to deal with. So my starting point was to actually accept the words as an image of me being bitten and therefore the fear got accepted within me. This was so quick that I did not even questioned myself, until I spoke about this with a Destonian, also walking the Journey to Life Process. Through our conversation I realised that the other did not necessarily pass me the fear - I was the one not directing the information I was receiving.

I can now see that the relationship that I have with the person that is close to me has been one of "father and daughter", meaning, I hear the other and most of the times I don't question that information because I believe that it is for my own good that I should keep it and use it as a protection. This is obviously not a learning process but more like a survival toolkit of advices that I should keep. At the same time, there is a belief that if I don't hear to this person, something bad will happen exactly because I did not consider those fears. But who said that the fears protect me? The fears limit me from doing certain things and that does not mean that I am not harming myself already - the stress that the fears energy produce, the constant survival mode, the images that I create based on these ideas do create consequence in my reality, inside my physical body and externally by being unaware of myself here.

So why couldn't I direct another person's comment about the horses? I simply did not consider this to be possible because so far I have been accumulating information as fears: mines (pre-programmed fears) and from others. Both types are part of my process - the process within myself/mind and the interrelational process. The latter is based on my relationship to others and how I direct myself in those circumstances. I realise that when I am having a conversation with another I am as responsible for the words I speak as for the words I listen - meaning, if another tells me about their ideas about what horses do, I am responsible for dealing with any reaction that come up within me and to direct the information. If I see that I am starting to create a fear based on the other's experience, I am responsible for stopping and not accepting nor allowing the fear within me. I can stand stable within me, look at that fear and decide within me that this fear is unacceptable and that I do not allow that fear in/as me. I can also forgive the emotional reaction and forgive any visualisation that I have created based on the persons comments.

In addition to this, I can share with another my experience with the horses and show to the other that his idea about the horses is limited to his experience or knowledge but that from my physical reality with dealing with the horses they have not bitten and will not necessarily going to bite me. There are so many variables for an animal to potentially harm a person that the fear will do nothing but to create separation, first within me (by existing in a fear dimension) and then towards the horse (separated from my awareness in this physical reality).

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept the fear that someone tells me (e.g the fear of being bitten by a horse) when in fact this fear is simply information that I have accepted and allowed to become part of my fears list, instead of taking responsibility for my acceptances and allowances on first place.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to breathe and consider that the fear that I am listening from another does not correspond to my real experience with the horses and therefore I forgive myself for adopting another's fear as mine.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to disregard my reality of dealing with the horses without any bites but instead accept the fear of another's reality that is not dealing with the horses whatsoever.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that fears are real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears "taught" by parents are true based on the belief that, if I don't hear them, something bad is going to happen and they will tell me: "see, I told you that it could happen".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to "convert" the information I hear from another person into a fear, instead cross-referencing that information with my reality and not accepting it to become a fear within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless towards the fear when in fact the fear is an acceptance that I am responsible for.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept the fear of being bitten by a horse to be something that will happen to me, when in fact a fear is an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use the fears as a certainty of what could happen (predicting the future based on the fears knowledge existing in my mind) instead having my presence in real time as my reference for self-creation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed fears to take over me, meaning, to consume my self-expression and liveliness in the moment.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for directing the information received from another and realising that the fear is unacceptable to exist in first place and to control who I am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that fears are real simply because the fears are based on a memory which in my mind is so clear that I project unto my reality. In this case, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept another's comment about the horses as a prediction of what will happen just because that same person once told about a cat that attacked my aunt. I realise that in my mind I associated this memory of a cat attacking my aunt and projected as the idea of a horse biting me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's comments and limit my action by fearing to be close to the horses.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am bitten that is a punishment because I should have listened to the person's fear. Here I realise that the idea of the horse biting me is a form of control in my mind and that I also use the idea that the other person will be disappointed at me as an excuse to not stop the fear.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself listening to another and realising that a fear is starting to build up within my chest (which starts to feel tightened), I stop, I breathe and I decide within myself that the fear (e.g. being bitten by a horse) is unacceptable to exist within me and to control my reality.

Instead of reacting towards another person's words, I direct it as what it is and I take responsibility for any reaction or fear that come up and I forgive myself for creating instability within me.

I realise that I am responsible for every single acceptance and allowance within myself, which includes all the fears' list that I have defined me as. I also realise that I have created myself based on these beliefs and ideas about me which is not supportive.

I realise that I am responsible for creating my stability which comes from standing stable as my breath, understand where the fears come from and become the solution/support to myself.

When and as I see myself accepting another person's fear as mine, I stop and I breathe. I take this opportunity to check if that fear already exists within me and I commit myself to forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear within me. I check what is the memory that the fear brings and within the memory check what is the emotional reaction associated to it. I commit myself to forgive all these emotions that I have attached to myself and to my physical body.

I realise that I am walking the process of understanding and becoming aware of my pre-programmed fears, why they exist, how these fears are limiting me and then taking responsibility for forgiving myself for this self-destruction. At the same time, by interacting with other people, I am walking the process of dealing with a fear that was projected from another that it might not have existed within me before. In these cases I can simply decide not accept the fears in my reality, breathe through it, stand stable and let it go.

I realise that by accepting the fear I am accepting limiting my reality because I am not directing me in self-awareness but rather directing me based on fears and therefore creating excuses and blocking options in my reality to avoid the fears that I have created in first place.

When communicating with another, I commit myself to stand one and equal to the other person and to share my experience in relation to that point (e.g. taking care of the horses) so that the other may also see that the horses don't have to necessarily bite. I realise that this is possible once I have stopped the fear from getting "installed" within me, by having said within me that the fear is unacceptable and by allowing myself to stand stable as the words I hear and the words I speak.

I commit myself to be an active listener instead of a passive one, and to bring other points into the conversation through sharing myself one and equal to another, without wanting to change the other but to simply look at other points that may have not been considered.

I realise that if my fears are based on a memory and on an emotional reaction associated to it, by opening the point within me, I am actually facing the fear in real-time and is an opportunity to stop accepting that fear-memory-emotion to control my reality.

When and as I see myself visualising the fear based on what the person is talking about, I stop and I breathe. I bring that fear into me, I check the reaction in my chest and I say/decide within myself that this fear is unacceptable. I realise that I don't have to have a reason to have such a fear because I am committed to support myself by being aware of my reality. By being aware of my reality I can be cautious in case I see that the horse starts to be violent. Contrarily, fears create a separate reality in my mind that limits my actions, my expression and my awareness.

When and as I see myself blaming another for passing me their fears, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am the one responsible for my acceptances and allowances and that regardless where the fear comes from (pre-programmed or from my external reality) I am the one to direct what is happening within me. I also realise that by directing it I am able to change my relationship to the fear, forgive the energy-emotion associated to the fear, forgive the memory associations and stand stable within me.

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DAY 111: Learning how to walk

Many of you may relate this expression with the Process we are walking with the DesteniiProcess of facing our minds and changing practically to become the best we can be. However, this time I am literally referring to learning how to physically walk with my feet on the ground. Let me explain: I have been noticing the formation of callosities on my feet on the external side, in the centre of the soles next to the toes and on my ankles but I always thought this was normal due to the commute walking, my shoes at work or simply because many people happen to have it. I also thought that the only way to fix this was by going to the pedicure and removing the callosities every now and then.

As always, mind assumptions should not be followed but simply investigated.

Here at the Desteni farm I was made aware that the callosities don't have to exist. So why on Earth do I have this dead hard skin on these parts of my feet? It was actually the specific location of the callosities that allowed us to find the root of the problem: in essence, the way I have been walking all my life can be traced by these formations, meaning, the dry skin on my ankle show the way I place my feet on the ground, secondly the lateral callosity is where I place the external side of the foot and lastly, the callosity next to my toes in the centre is where I find balance. The fact that I don't place my whole foot on the floor using my ankle, then my whole sole and finally my toes to distribute the weight has been creating these callosities as a consequence. Just like with all my body, I have been shaping it throughout my life and now these callosities are a reference in my process and that I can check to correct my walking pattern. It is "funny" (or actually scary!) that I never noticed  how I was walking with the side of my feet, in a slight unbalance. Since the body needs to find a way to compensate such position, the callosities are formed, working like a "natural" protection of the skin because the normal muscles of the sole and the toes are not in use. In addition to this, later in life other parts of the body would probably be affected and deformed, such as the hips.

How to correct this tendency? Since last week I have been learning and practicing a new way of walking, which should be the "normal" way: first placing the ankle, then the whole sole of the feet and finally the toes, giving me balance and impulse in each step; my hips are stable because I apply strength on my belly muscles; my back, my neck and head are straight, as if I an invisible string is pulling me from the sky; I focus on my breathing and I have my arms relaxed on the sides. I have been walking barefoot to feel the whole feet and this is very supportive to stand one and equal with the ground/the grass/the Earth.

I recommend everyone to double check their walking pattern. It has been an amazing challenge to change this habit and the physical correction has been very revealing: each step is a firm movement within me supporting my process of self-confidence; walking with my neck and head straight allows me to see things at a constant level; using the toes properly allows me to walk faster; being aware of my breath supports my awareness in what I do and where I am.

It is no coincidence that the word "callousness" means indifference, emotionally frigid; apathetic. This describes well the relationship I have been having with my own walking, unaware of my own body movement, doing it automatically as a robot for so many years and affecting my posture, my attention to my reality and my own direction. So the DesteniiProcess is indeed the best gift I can give to myself, along with the amazing Eqafe support that I am eternally grateful for. All of these materials and sharings have great impact in my whole life, through discovering who I have become and learning how to recreate myself, through self-forgiveness, physical correction, self-care, self-expression and in changing my relationships to myself and others.

 

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DAY 105: Days without writing - practical points to re-embrace self and stop procrastination

You know when you are traveling, moving from one place to another and everything is temporary, until you finally reach your home and you start to be more organised? Well, I haven't been physically travelling but this is an analogy to what happens to me when I am not writing and I am moving from one point to another, as if I am escaping from my own self, without actually living the commitment of dealing with my reality completely and being specific. The idea of getting to the comfort of my home (the moment when I stop and write) became an delusional oasis and used as an excuse to procrastinate the creation of such oasis everywhere I go - and that moment never came until now. I am now alone, laid down on the sofa, typing on my laptop and it is calm. However, what is blocking me from recreating this stability when I am somewhere else?

I am actually recreating my habit of not leaving the writing for late in the evening - by experience, by the end of the day I will be so tired that I will easily postpone the writing for the next day, and the snowball starts its journey until I get tired of procrastinating.

The resistance to be disciplined is an good point to look at: I realise that I enjoy when the plans change and the routine is no longer a routine. However, this lack of consistency is based on an idea that I get bored with doing the same thing every day, such as writing every day. But wait a second: don't I eat every day? Don't I breathe in every moment? Don't I wake up every day?

What if my body was to make a strike and not wake up? How on earth do I want to become consistent and confident in my process if I am not recreating the consistence and confidence in me? I this also a great trap of the mind, because even though the action of writing is the same, I never write the same things and there is always an expansion within me.

The process of change is manifested in what I do - and this is why few people consider changing themselves, because that is the real process to walk - changing patterns, changing assumptions, changing schedules if needed so that my new tasks can be done.

While I am trying, my eyes are starting to shut down - the mind is striking! So what can I do to actually stand as my living awareness and continue what I  was doing?

• Becoming aware of my breath - this support me to stand here and see what I am doing;
• being assertive with the time that I have dedicated for writing;
• stopping the thoughts and imagination of the mind (daydreaming)
• Look at the big picture of what I am doing and how getting distracted in the mind does not benefit me in any way whatsoever
• Embracing what I am doing, such as writing
• Being my own example
• Expanding myself is something that is unique and I can only do it for myself

In the end, it all comes down to self-honesty and to who I am in each moment.

So:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself when I postpone my daily writing, as I notice that I am the one deceiving myself and not actually supporting me in changing my habits to become a better version of myself and in becoming organised with my own things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to admire the people that appear to be organised instead of learning with them and perhaps asking how they manage their time efficiently so that I know what changes I can adopt for myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a snowball of excuses to not write and a snowball of thoughts about what I should be doing, instead of being realistic with my time available and prioritise that which must be done.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone the things that I enjoy myself doing, instead of creating my own balance of responsibility and self-enjoyment, work and relaxing, study and play, without these being necessarily polarities but things that support me equally.

When and as I see myself getting frustrated with the fact that I am postponing and accumulating things to do in my mind, I stop, I breathe and I write down the list of things that I have in my mind to do. I commit myself to make my tasks practical according to the time available and the prioritisation of the tasks.

When and as I see myself feeling regret for not doing that which I wanted to do, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a trap of the mind because both the plan and the desire to "tick box" the plan existed only in my mind. Therefore, instead of putting me under pressure, I can help me to see what can I do in that specific moment to recreate my stability, to be flexible with me and to find a solution that will be lived for real.

When and as I see myself using people in my mind as an example of solution-makers and an example of organisation, I stop and I breathe. Instead of associating these points with these people, I can see how in this specific moment can I do that which I would associate with the other person. This way, I am learning with the other and becoming my own example.

When and as I see myself thinking/imagining that I will write at night before I go to bed, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this was the same pattern I had with praying before going to bed, when I was already so exhausted that I would fall asleep and then feel bad for not having prayed. So, I commit myself to help myself in facilitating my actions and, instead of trying to make them for the days that I didn't do, I can instead look at a solution moving forward, starting a new commitment to write at lunch time, or on the bus, or when I arrive home, or in the morning before work!

When and as I see myself falling asleep while I am writing, I stop me and I breathe. I realise that in these moments I am actually doing things in my mind, imagining what I will do next but in reality I am with my eyes closed, away from my opportunity to do things for real and to live to my utmost potential.

Daily writing is not an obligation; writing daily is like drinking water - it refreshes me, it makes things clear, it supports me without me even being completely aware of how I am fully responsible for my stability and that I am giving me the conditions to be stable inside-outside.

I have also realised that the resistance to write every day is similar to the resistance to study - it is interesting that these are two elements for self-development, self-expansion, self-change and self-creation. So, when and as I see myself being lazy with my own Life, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to do things for myself based on the realisation that I am fully responsible for my life here, for who I am, for what I allow myself to do and to not do, for supporting me unconditionally and being the example to my own self. I am the teacher and the student. I am the creator and the creation. I am the words that I write and walk. Any resistance to do that which supports me to stand stable, to expand myself and to express myself I know that is an indicator of a point to transcend. Curiously enough, I have now realised that the resistance to have fun can also exist (!) therefore this is also a point to be lived within and by me.

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DAY 102: Embarrassment - Losing my comfort zone at work

Today I faced some points related to the pattern of embarrassment. It is such a great coincidence that the eqafe website just released new interviews about Embarrassment - Is it really so bad? so I will definitely check it out and cross reference.

The energetic experience that I went through many of you can probably relate to. I was doing something new at work - I was actually reading a text to an audience during a presentation - and that moment got stuck in my memory after the event has finished. In my mind I thought that that moment had been terrible, that my voice was breaking, sounded too childish, my accent and my English weren't perfect. Once the event ended, a massive judgment about my performance took over me and I thought that I was being under the spotlight by my colleague's eyes. In my mind, all the event had been great apart from my intervention.

WTF! Why and how am I capable of being so hard on myself? Why on earth did I manipulate this memory in a way that focus 90 minutes of production into 5 minutes? There was so much time and dedication to make the event happening and at the end I was not even grateful for myself?

One of the origins of my judgment has to do with my eagerness to correspond to the perfection painted by the mind of what a perfect oral intervention look like. However, such image usually comes along with rehearsals, with auto-queues, with practice and none of these elements were present today. I was doing that which I usually see other people doing and I thought it was easy... Today I realised that doing it is a different story. From a positive critical point, I could have been more relaxed in my reading, I could have reduced the length of the text to help people to understand it, I could also have skipped some of the points to avoid spamming. A good learning curve for me. However, this was not the approach I had during the day.

After the presentation, I was feeling so heavy within me, I just wanted to leave the place to avoid being looked at. Probably people would not even remember my intervention but my mind has this "fascinating" ability to make my things REALLY big. It is a self-speculation that separates me from others. Now, while writing, I can actually see that it would have been a good opportunity to ask for feedback from my colleagues to improve my performance next time. Also, I realised that I could have been satisfied that after a year of doing this job I am comfortable enough to take part in the event and to manage everything by my own. None of these interesting realizations were available in my mind during the day!

So here I will start opening the point of embarrassment within me and after this I will listen to the interview to see which other points I can consider to develop confidence within me unconditionally:

Self-Forgiveness on the language point:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see the challenge of public speaking in English as something too big for me and too risky.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass an image of perfection and of maturity when speaking in English as I would usually feel when speaking in Portuguese.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and frustrated within me for not being as comfortable in English as I am with the Portuguese.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to perceive public speaking as a risk for my reputation because I can easily make mistakes in English when I am not focused and when I try to go beyond what is written.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of wanting to represent success and then feel that I have failed in this mission that I imposed unto myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to play with the words and the vocabulary in English as I like to do in Portuguese. I realise that this requires practice and requires time to build the vocabulary in me, just like it took me so many years to be fully confident and comfortable with the Portuguese language.

Self-Forgiveness on the memory manipulation:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory that I created in my own mind and to hold on to it because I felt as if I had lost my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was going beyond my own self because I was doing something new and therefore I actually limited me in thinking that this was a big task for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to get distracted by my own memory that keeps me locked in the past and with this I do not allow myself to move on, to learn, to correct me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire to be strong and to let go off the past without actually looking at myself in self-honesty, investigate what is holding me back and take off the mask that I hide myself behind. I realise that I don't need to be this perfection for others and that such relationship to others and to myself is a separation. I exist here, not in the mind. So actually, this moment today was real but the memory isn't - so what is that should require my attention? Should I not rebirth from the ashes of the mind? All that the mind shows me  are the patterns that I am still holding myself to.

I will continue this point on my next blog.

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DAY 101: My own entertainment - The addiction to the energy of the mind

Today I finally saw something that has been disregarded in a very naive way lol. You know when something is always there but you have never noticed? Well, this is what has been happening as my blindness towards the mind, and more specifically, the way I have been feeding the mind ALL THE TIME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. How? Through the energy in the form of emotions, of anxiety, of fear, of distrust, of feelings, of love, of sadness, of despair, of desire, of hope, of regret, of impatience, of anticipation, of expectations, of blame, of guilt, of jealousy, of reaction, of comparison, of anger, of hate, of imagination, of exhaustion, of positive, of negative, of happiness, of judgement, of distraction.

So, yesterday I was almost blaming the TV series for my entertainment but today I see what is really happening: the real entertainment happens inside me in my relationship with my own mind and the addiction to the energy generated by and for the mind. This self-slavery is the ultimate self-deception and this realisation is just the beginning of the process that I am walking. I am, for the first time, aware that all these emotions and energetic feelings don't need to exist - or should I say, I live without such energetic emotions. The same way I see that I should be able to watch any series, speak with another, do anything without any energetic movement within me. Only breath remains.

This realization came actually from a combination of factors, namely the understanding from the Eqafe interview on Impatience and my experience tonight after watching the last episode of a TV series. I noticed an anxiety within me by knowing that I was going to watch the last episode: my mind was going to lose its daily meal of emotional attachment! When the episode came to an end I thought "Is this it"? And I saw that the energy was not real because it was not here anymore - I am still here, the energy is not. The mind is still here and I can see it more clearly when I get distracted from my writing for example. It is like a shadow that watches everything that I do. This must not be a big surprise: I know the mind because I became the main allie of the mind. The challenge and the process here is to realize who I really am, as Life, by transcending the mind.

While I am writing I can see the fear of dying right now - here is another trick of the mind: the ultimate fear of death as a tool to participate in the energy. So I teach myself to breathe and overcome the storms of the mind.  I stop thinking about death and I focus on my breath. I associate a realisation as an achievement and so I fear to "suffer" the negative consequence of something bad to happen to me. So the label of realisation as a positive thing must be redefined within me.

Why does the mind exist? Through this question I realise that I am actually blaming the mind for my slavery. So I can rephrase my question and ask myself: Why and how did I become the mind? Why and how do I participate in emotions, anxiety, fear, distrust, feelings, love, sadness, despair, desire,  hope, regret, impatience, anticipation, expectations, blame, guilt, jealousy, reaction, comparison, anger, hate, imagination, exhaustion, positive, negative,  happiness, judgement, distraction. That's why in the Desteni material we always see and read about the point of self-responsibility and self-stability, because this is what I must be able to recreate in me and become.

It is apparently tough to let go of a belief, of a religion, of an idea, of a dream and this is the resistance that I have created in my own mind towards the mind itself. It is amazing how ideas become so real in my mind that I am able to project them into my reality and live by it - of course this is not a Life, because it is a prison limited by my own imagination.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get excited with a realisation/understanding, as this is a point of energetic excitement of the ego and based on the fear of losing such a realisation! Therefore, when and as I see myself realising a new point or a new dimension within a point, I stop and I breathe.

I support me to stand stable within and as the realisation, because the realisation is not separated from me. I commit myself to walk through/as/become the realisation and therefore there is no need to go into excitement or fear of losing that which I already am.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the emotion of desire to watch a series is an energetic anxiety of the mind that I can stop through breath. Within this, I see that the addiction to the energy of the mind is not the best for me, because it creates a separate reality of nervousness and I am not aware of me here anymore.

So when and as I see myself going into the energy of the mind, either in the form of anxiety, of fear, of emotional attachment and of desire, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to breathe until I take control of me here, stable and aware of my actions out of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to avoid watching the last episode because I did not want to lose the energetic desire of watching another episode.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the energy of the mind instead of watching the series as it was initially my plan. I realise that I deviate from my objective of simply watching the story and move on.

When and as I see myself going into the parallel reality of the emotions of the mind, I stop the sequence of emotions and I breathe. I support me to remind me of what I am doing and I help me to be aware of when I slip into the mind of imagination, anticipation, fear and emotions in order to stabilise myself more efficiently and with less consequence.

When and as I see myself going into the imagination of the mind and the images of the mind, I stop and I breathe. I see that these images are not real, that are memories and that I can only use them as a reference to see what I must stop within me - what are the preoccupations that move in my mind?, what are the thoughts that I am distracted with?, what are the fears that I project unto myself? What is the consequence that I am creating by being distracted of my own reality?

I commit myself to support me in seeing my own mind and to dedicate myself to correct me, to clarify the memories, to understand the fears and to stop me from participating in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that this process is a radical process and that my realisations will bring some immediate changes - I realise that I must walk point by point and that I must apply each and every single realisation in real-time until I face each and every pattern where I have been enslaving myself. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to move on in my own process and to change me. I realise that this fear of the unknown is an idea that is not real - I also realise that the mind is not the best for me and therefore I must practice myself in self-awareness, I must practice my breathing, practice stopping the mind and practicing solutions in my real life.

When and as I see myself navigating in the mind of memories, of images, of beliefs, I stop this self-entertainment and I breathe. I realise that I must be my own cure because I am the one feeding this addiction to the energy of the mind. I commit myself to focus on my breath until I am back to this reality and I restart my actions in self-awareness and self-correction.

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DAY 83 - We Must Motivate Ourselves

What does the need for motivation tell me about my acceptances and allowances?

This week I've seen this need in my thoughts regarding two different situations in my current reality: the need for motivation at work and the need for motivation to walk my Process. The motivation at work was projected towards the management, by thinking that I need to be motivated by them to do my job and there was this desire of listening to some nice and cool sentences to make sense of my effort (silly hum?). As for the motivation in my Process, this resonated when I was reading Cerise's blog where she wrote "He is not here to motivate us anymore - we must motivate ourselves." I realised that I associated Bernard Poolman to a source of motivation in the sense that his explanations were so clear that I had no doubt as to why I am walking this Process and why/how this is the best for me and the best for Humanity. So with him passing away, I faced the obvious - no more motivation from Bernard and Joana, you must stand up, stand clear and certain for yourself!

When I put these thoughts into writing I start seeing what I have been accepting and allowing, which is a form of slavery and dependency to move myself, to dedicate myself and to do my/the best. What I also see is that by separating myself from my self-motivation and my self-direction, I go into a state of dissatisfaction and I judge me as not being good enough because I don't establish this certainty within me of what I am doing and why I am doing it, and of course, I haven't allowed myself to be certain that I do it for myself and that I am the only one responsible for my Process Here.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to need motivation as an energy separated from me which is in fact an illusion and a form of energy-addiction to give me purpose in self-interest and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the need for motivation at work and therefore to use this to justify my lack of self-direction, lack of consistency and lack of responsibility to decide for myself what I am doing, how and why I am doing it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to do the easy thing which is to blame management for not providing the motivation that my mind requires, instead of looking at this situation in self-honesty and take the decision, once and for all, to change my relationship to motivation and my relationship to my work in order to live everyday in self-commitment to everything that I do, to live the commitment of breathing at work, to live the commitment of deciding what is best for me at work, to live the commitment to trust myself in my actions at work, to live the commitment of transcending resistances at work, to live the commitment of walking points at work and to not see work as a separate reality from my Process.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that without the energy of motivation (either based on the idea of success or the money motivation) it means that something is wrong and that I am being passive about my Life. I now see, realise and understand that this judgment is based on the idea that without  a higher motivation I am going to get bored and I am going to lose my enthusiasm, when in fact this energy-motivation is actually killing me and harming my body stability. I also realise that self-honest motivation is the motivation to keep on walking, to be constantly stable in what I say and do and ultimately to stand alone in complete self-trust as Life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on Bernard's presence in the Forum to motivate me/us and to give us reasons to not give up, instead of taking his words and live the commitment of walking them, without waiting to be said what to do. I realise that Bernard Poolman is and was the Principles of Life and any other definition that I give him (as a motivator, guide, father) is not required because it has always been up to me to become that which I have projected towards Bernard and  all that I wanted him to be.

Self-Corrective Statements

I give me now the opportunity to be aware of what my thoughts/needs of the mind show me so that I can see and work on myself to give me these points in my daily self-correction. So when and as I see myself desiring to have a manager that motivates me and gives me reasons to continue my job, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to not participate in desires and needs separated from myself and therefore I commit myself to stop being dependent on another's mind and presence. Instead, I allow myself to become the unconditional motivation as self-direction, to continue walking my process at work, to learn with myself, to become more efficient, to be perfectionist in a way that is best for me, without wanting to fit someone else's idea of perfection which would result in self-abuse by for example working many hours to correspond to the idea of commitment disregarding my own self. I realise that if I stand in self-motivation, then there is no such thing as self-abuse, because I guide myself, I direct myself and I decide what is possible to be done and how it is going to be done in a way that is best for All.

When and as I see myself thinking that I will miss Bernard's motivation to move myself in my process and to be focused on my daily application, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the need for motivation of the mind is irrelevant because in fact all I must do to Be Here is to Breathe Here and Be Self-Honest Here, which I can only do these for myself. I also realise that despite the words that Bernard could write us or tell us it is always my responsibility to realise these words and live them in my practical daily living.

When and as I see myself thinking of self-motivation as an enthusiasm based on a sentence that someone tells me or a thought of the future or an image that corresponds to an idea of perfection, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this motivation is energy-based which is not real - the fact that I feel "less" and inferior when such motivation does not exist, it means that I went to the negative polarity and in my mind I am expecting someone or something to feed the positive energy, and therefore believe that I need an external motivation to keep on going. By stopping and Breathing, I commit myself to stand stable as each breath I take in and to stand stable in each breath that I give out. I commit myself to stop the energy-motivation associated to another being and I support myself, step by step, to start creating my self-direction based on the Principles of Life that Bernard is/was: Self-Honesty, Oneness, Equality, Best for All and Common Sense. 

In essence, my motivation as Life is in standing as the Principles of Life in everything I speak and do. I also see that a Self-Honest enthusiasm is based on the Principles of Life manifested within and as Self-Expression. Again, no energy, no separation, no images and no needs of the mind.

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