DAY 102: Embarrassment - Losing my comfort zone at work

Today I faced some points related to the pattern of embarrassment. It is such a great coincidence that the eqafe website just released new interviews about Embarrassment - Is it really so bad? so I will definitely check it out and cross reference.

The energetic experience that I went through many of you can probably relate to. I was doing something new at work - I was actually reading a text to an audience during a presentation - and that moment got stuck in my memory after the event has finished. In my mind I thought that that moment had been terrible, that my voice was breaking, sounded too childish, my accent and my English weren't perfect. Once the event ended, a massive judgment about my performance took over me and I thought that I was being under the spotlight by my colleague's eyes. In my mind, all the event had been great apart from my intervention.

WTF! Why and how am I capable of being so hard on myself? Why on earth did I manipulate this memory in a way that focus 90 minutes of production into 5 minutes? There was so much time and dedication to make the event happening and at the end I was not even grateful for myself?

One of the origins of my judgment has to do with my eagerness to correspond to the perfection painted by the mind of what a perfect oral intervention look like. However, such image usually comes along with rehearsals, with auto-queues, with practice and none of these elements were present today. I was doing that which I usually see other people doing and I thought it was easy... Today I realised that doing it is a different story. From a positive critical point, I could have been more relaxed in my reading, I could have reduced the length of the text to help people to understand it, I could also have skipped some of the points to avoid spamming. A good learning curve for me. However, this was not the approach I had during the day.

After the presentation, I was feeling so heavy within me, I just wanted to leave the place to avoid being looked at. Probably people would not even remember my intervention but my mind has this "fascinating" ability to make my things REALLY big. It is a self-speculation that separates me from others. Now, while writing, I can actually see that it would have been a good opportunity to ask for feedback from my colleagues to improve my performance next time. Also, I realised that I could have been satisfied that after a year of doing this job I am comfortable enough to take part in the event and to manage everything by my own. None of these interesting realizations were available in my mind during the day!

So here I will start opening the point of embarrassment within me and after this I will listen to the interview to see which other points I can consider to develop confidence within me unconditionally:

Self-Forgiveness on the language point:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see the challenge of public speaking in English as something too big for me and too risky.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass an image of perfection and of maturity when speaking in English as I would usually feel when speaking in Portuguese.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and frustrated within me for not being as comfortable in English as I am with the Portuguese.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to perceive public speaking as a risk for my reputation because I can easily make mistakes in English when I am not focused and when I try to go beyond what is written.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of wanting to represent success and then feel that I have failed in this mission that I imposed unto myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to play with the words and the vocabulary in English as I like to do in Portuguese. I realise that this requires practice and requires time to build the vocabulary in me, just like it took me so many years to be fully confident and comfortable with the Portuguese language.

Self-Forgiveness on the memory manipulation:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory that I created in my own mind and to hold on to it because I felt as if I had lost my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was going beyond my own self because I was doing something new and therefore I actually limited me in thinking that this was a big task for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to get distracted by my own memory that keeps me locked in the past and with this I do not allow myself to move on, to learn, to correct me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire to be strong and to let go off the past without actually looking at myself in self-honesty, investigate what is holding me back and take off the mask that I hide myself behind. I realise that I don't need to be this perfection for others and that such relationship to others and to myself is a separation. I exist here, not in the mind. So actually, this moment today was real but the memory isn't - so what is that should require my attention? Should I not rebirth from the ashes of the mind? All that the mind shows me  are the patterns that I am still holding myself to.

I will continue this point on my next blog.

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DAY 97: Inflating my career - tendency to make things bigger than what they are

I realise that a career does not need to be inflated and perceived as something bigger than myself. I see that the complication that I created within me is a reflection of what I have been accepting and allowing within and as me. Now I can use this point to correct my tendency to inflate things/make things bigger than what they are (which generates the fear of the future by seeing my "life" separated from me).

The following self-corrective statements are a continuation of my previous post DAY: 16 The Career Indecision Vírus.

I commit myself to be practical in regards to my career decision and to simply apply myself in developing my communication skills, taking advantage of the fact that I speak multiple languages, always considering the practical requirements to work in the world system, motivating myself to learn and then direct me in a field of interest where I can expand myself.

I commit myself to study in order to practice common-sense and move myself from the starting point of looking at solutions to this world and change the world like I change myself.

I support me in working in the system to support myself to change the system, first by perfecting me and then in applying myself into perfecting the system.

I realise that the priority must be me, from within, in looking at the thoughts that I have, the indecision,  my acceptances and allowances, the relationships that I have created in my mind, the desires and projections for the future. From here, I realise that regardless of what I decide, it is always me directing me, and so I commit myself to live the decision of becoming my own self-stability, self-comfort and self-direction. This decision must then be applied into everything I do, including my daily job, career and participating in this world.

I commit myself to re-establish the relationship of self-trust and self-direction that I will then consequently apply into everything I decide to do and become. 

I commit myself to become the best of me in self-integrity, self-honesty and self-worth and to live it in any career or job or activities that I do.

I commit myself to respect and take my decisions seriously.

When and as I see myself distrusting a decision that I just made, I stop and I breathe. I realise that each and every single decision that I take "counts" in terms of my own creation - I realise that my distrust towards the career became a habit and a distraction, based on projections of how the future could be in this career, or that career, which is all based in the images/ideas/definitions/desires of the mind. As I agreed before, I am not defined by the image and perception that a career is usually associated with, such as the elitism, recognition, respect and prestige - I realise that all of these associations are the result of brainwashing on the unequal value that society (we) gives to its own people (ourselves). 

I commit myself to value each and every single person and their activity as worthy, without judgments of being more or less, but to rather look at the practicality of the existing careers and become my own example in making the most of my own actions and to actually transform my career in a way that addressed real-current issues in this world.

When and as I see myself starting to navigate in my mind projecting me into a future separated from me, based on information and ideas that I am imposing upon myself, I stop and I breathe.

I give me this opportunity to stop the confusion of my mind and to assess in self-honesty why am I creating a future against my own Life/stability - Therefore, I commit myself to bring the point here and see what is my starting point and what future/fear is my mind showing me that I must correct within me in my thoughts, words and actions. I support me in applying common sense in my own decisions and do the best thing for me, in real-time, in this present moment, in order to change the reality that I create to myself - and create heaven on earth, from within.

Sometimes I see that my indecisions are superficial based on greed (wanting to do and have everything) so I commit myself to take it easy and to stick to self-honesty, as to what is feasible and what steps I require to take in order to become my solution. I finally realise that a career can/must be a solution that is part of the bigger world solution for all of us, to recreate and live in a better world.

I commit myself to trust my own volition and I support myself to be aware of my own self-creation/world-participation in every moment. I have every moment to practice my self-confidence in my process of living my decision of correcting me, within and as my decisions, and perfecting me in walking the talk.

A world where a career is a real freedom-of-choice = Living Income Grant

Image 1: http://leadersinheels.com/lifestyle/5-secrets-for-successfully-juggling-a-business-with-children/

Image 2: http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/day-177-how-companies-justify-poverty-wages-the-solution-2/

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Day 90: Taking people's words and actions personally

While typing the title of this blog, I realised how comic in fact this whole projection is: how can I blame someone for my own interpretation of their words? Why do I go into a reaction when the other person doesn't do what I expect to be done? Isn't this an experience that I create in myself? How come can I expect another to know  my expectations and my relationships to words and therefore expect that they would say things and do things in a way that does not cause me any reaction? Isn't it common sense that it is my responsibility to stop the projections and to start purifying the words within me? Is it not the case that I can learn with another and the other can learn from me? I will therefore walk the point of taking another's words and actions personally:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel angry internally when someone does not do that which I expect and think should be done.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this experience of anger within me which is a point of separation inside-out. I realise that I am responsible for my own anger because I am the one creating such experience within me based on the belief that this is how things should be/work.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to be angry at another, which is based on the belief of righteousness.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to let the reaction go and to be patient with another being as I like people to be patient with me.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stop the mind in these moments and to allow myself to breathe slowly until I calm myself down and prevent the reaction/consequence.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to realise that the resistance to slow down and breathe is a defense mechanism of the mind to keep the energy building up within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if things don't go as I planned it means that something is going to go wrong. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine/create/antecipate images of what can go wrong.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the pattern of self-punishment based on the feeling of guilt when things don't go as I think they should go.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react towards my own mind/imagination, instead of realising that I am accumulating this energetic experience and it requires me to be disciplined to STOP the ball, to breathe and to give me direction in that moment outside of my imagination, moving me in self-stability, one and equal to the other being.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to help me in these moment of energetic emotions and to support me in seeing the common sensical thing to do - either in communicating with another what would be a best practice or to ask to another what he/she is doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I know what the other is doing and to believe that I know what is going to happen based on the starting point that things will go wrong.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of the mind which is this conversation within me, the convictions, the assumptions and the answers in my mind that are pure imagination.

Self-corrective statements

I realise that currently my relationships  and interactions with other beings manifest the various patterns that I became and therefore this is my opportunity to walk these points and change myself.

When and as I see myself looking at another's action and thinking that she/he is doing it wrong, I stop the thought and I breathe. Instead of being a zombie observer, I commit myself to either help the other if needed or to do what I am doing and focus on my own actions (being an example to myself).

When and as I see myself fearing that the other person will drop something based on the starting point that if it was me I would be more careful, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I can only be careful with my actions and that thinking about the other as not careful is a point of separation. Therefore, I support myself to stand stable with another and to trust the other as myself. I realise that this projection actually shows me that I am the one not trusting myself in every moment and that I am accepting to distract me from myself entertained with thoughts about the others.

When and as I see myself participating in the patterns of righteousness towards another person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my idea of how things work is based on my own experiences and that I cannot impose unto another - by bringing this point to myself, I realise that I am the one who believes that I must obey to another and do what I am told without considering what is the best thing to do, and this is the justification as to why I  tend to react when the other does not obey me! Within this realisation, I commit myself to stop wanting to control the other person, stop wanting to impose and to stop being a slave of my own mind. I realise that what I see in another also exists within me so I take this opportunity to stop accepting and allowing me to be a slave or desiring to have slaves doing what are told. I realise that all of us have much more to gain if we communicate with each other to come to an agreement of what is the best thing to do, as equals, rather then competing with ideas, minds and egos.

When and as I see myself taking another person's actions or words personally as an offense or as disobedience, I stop and I breathe. I slow the mind and I slow the thoughts about the other in order to allow me to focus on me, as to what I am allowing within my own thoughts. I realise that if I have a reaction towards specific words or voice tonality then I must investigate within me where is the reaction coming from, forgiving the memories that keep me separated from being here, stable in the present moment. At the same time, I realise that thinking that the other is doing something just to annoy me is a manifestation of paranoia and inferiority, therefore, I help me by stopping these thoughts and correcting me in my relationships to the other people, allowing me to stand equal to another, not superior or inferior.

When and as I see myself participating in the imagination and belief that I know that another's intentions are malicious, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to stand accountable for my own thoughts and look at my starting point in real-time in order to stop the cycle and not feeding the mind.

When and as I see myself thinking that things will go wrong if things are done differently from what I believe should be, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the starting point of the plan was based  on my imagination, previous experience and judgments, instead of considering the best for all and common sense. I realise that changes to the plan is not necessarily a bad thing or that imply any punishment. I realise that it is my responsibility to make the best I can and be constantly correcting my actions in order to do things perfectly as the best for all.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in my relationship and interaction with another and I support me to be stable, equal to the other, in self-honesty, self-trust, steadfast in my own actions while open to another's solutions, looking at things in common sense and treating the other as I like to be treated.

Illustration 1: https://eqafe.com/p/the-nature-of-taking-things-personally-reptilians-part-222

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Day 66: Self-religion of the ego, memory and holy-interest

The trinity is complete: the blidness of the ego in the prison called memory, all in the name of a holy-interest.

The religion of self is a room of mirrors where rightousness binds one's boundaries. Man-made boundaries... Manifested in the entities called countries separated based on beliefs, ideas, notions of security, language and fear towards one another.

Humans in a constant time-loop, found in images and lost in expectations, enslaved in the script that has never changed. Our memories are covered by the perception that somewhere in the past things were alright... Feeling guity for changing and leaving years behind. The fear of losing the years that one bought throughout time.

The blindness towards equality is the manifested pollution in the air... Too much smoke in the air. Too much bulshit... Too many empty words for the sake of survival.

One thing that human beings rarely do is to forgive themselves. Curiously, the ego-religion (or a religion towards a private god), people pray to be forgiven, to be accepted and be recognised for the sacrifices one makes. Such delusional altruism never worked otherwise there would be no poverty, starvation, sex-slavery, prostitution, famine, war, violence, domestic-violence, abuse etc.

How holy is our belief? Is it worth to stay on the same train track that goes in circles?

How special is your relationship with Your god? Is it special at all?

Why don't we listen to each other instead?

Can you see your neighbour? D o you know your neighbour? Why would you meed your neighbour in first place?

Does the idea of a golden heaven justify the dark suffering created for real on Earth?

All beliefs define a line in the physical world that did not exist. Separation is man-made.

Until when will we avoid facing that which we have become?

Self-interest is a principle of survival. Survival comes from the money systems . The money systems are man-made.

Human beings forgot that survival was a temporary transition and we completely got used to it, based on the MEMORY and the holy-hope that good days will come, without moving a finger. Remember, the solution is also man-made.

Self-religion is a workaround to Life - There's no need for such illusion! We are indeed HERE sharing this planet, sharing this present moment, now, while you read these words and I share myself with you. Let's stop and Breathe.

Realise that self-religion is a cave without living conditions - Have we lost the Life that exist within us?

Breathe in, breath out. You're alive. This is what matters. This is our common matter.

That is the Self-Honesty that we need.

To be humble to recognise that we are all responsible for accepting the mess manifested in this world. Each single human being.  Learn to forgive yourself and start again. We must RELY-ON-Ourselves.

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Day 55: Self-Forgiveness and International Relations

Within the process of developing myself as a human being, I realised that it is not enough to simply grow up. I have always been interested in various social areas and wanted to help people, feeling good about myself when doing it and accepting good actions as altruism (as self-interest). How mislead was I about what’s really going on in this world and within each one of us I could not imagine...

Politics and international relations is the external projection of individual patterns within each one of us. Can you see how internal wars and bipolar minds are manifested in History? Hidden agendas and secret diplomacies based on personal fears, childhood distrust, patterns of inferiority, past mistakes, self-judgements and egocentrism. In politics, human life is completely disregarded and the whole set is a game without any kind of respect for human kind. 

As human beings we don’t really esteem ourselves and we are not educated to do so. Quite the contrary, our self-expression is suppressed and principles are replaced by competition. Forget the countries and the borders -- we are our own enemies. The human mind has the capacity to trap oneself with internal ghosts, persecutory delusions and all different kinds of paranoia. 

Now we understand why there's no peace to be remembered in this world. Human beings have never been in peace with themselves. 

Self-anger is accumulated in the physical body like a cancer and who we are is under layers of self-abuse. The trend is to corrupt oneself and others, unless something is done to stop such self-deception. The question here is to understand that there are no examples to follow. No matter how many books one reads or how many degrees and masters one can get from the so called best-universities-in-the-short-vision-academic-universe, politicians are educated to maintain the system as it is, like puppets on a string.

If I want to change anything in the world, I first must be willing to change myself: cleaning myself in order to be able to support others, in co-operation.

In order to finally stop such tendencies within me, I first must be willing to Stop and See. I do not have to become that which is not the best for me nor for All. I open up myself and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in this world as the ego, as the need to be superior and to prove myself to others. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe to be inferior to anyone else. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I deserve more than anyone else and by this I realise that I am one and equal with everyone. I put myself in another’s shoes and inequality is not the heritage I want to pass on. I am responsible for this moment in time, for each decision I make regardless of the scale of it. It doesn’t matter if I am deciding for two people or for a whole country: any decision must be the best for all. Otherwise it is not a decision, it is a deception.

I must be able to let go of all the ideas that I have created of a perfect future – such brainwashing was a limitation based on images of the perfect professional, the perfect lifestyle, the perfect diplomat, the perfect mother or the perfect teacher, self-limitations based on experiences and movies I watched. Such dreams are nightmares completely disconnected from reality. Knowledge and information require to be applied into practical answers, here and now, and that’s what a career should be made of.

All we have to do is to become the solution and stop existing as the problem.

For those of you who are now realising the man-made unfair system, let me tell you that learning from other people’s examples is not a school – it is a social condition based on memetics which we cannot escape to. We are not aware of the social, family and cultural influences absorbed throughout our childhood, not even the genetic background. This is accepted and promoted as the so called sins of the fathers passed on to thy children... We actually accept the excuse that “making mistakes is human and thus humanity is trapped forever”. We must start again, re-educating ourselves and become our own example.

On Remembrance Sunday, let’s do ourselves a favour and forgive ourselves for the human beings we have become, for the self-destruction and manifested wars we are still participating in. That will definitely change the world as ourselves for the best of who we are.

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