DAY 135: Living the Principle of Patience, as within so without

A new point opened up within me last month month as a result of an accumulation of desire to move things forward quickly without having a basic foundation of self-stability within me. To be more specific, the point of being patience with myself, my process and with the world around me resonated with the experience of pressure and tension that I was experiencing. As I am walking the Desteni of Living Process, I decided to read my statements again, this time focused on the point of patience to understand how it impacts me and my application.

On this blog I will redefine the word Patience to assist me in walking the other Principles.

Starting with the point 12, where it says:

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

I realise that my definition of the word Patience is still very much in relation to time. By "not waiting for others" I easily interpret this point as going into a rush and a fight against time so that I take responsibility for myself and for the world around me. However, living the Principle of Self-Responsibility is an all encompass decision that must consider everything within me, all the points, all the backchats, all my relationships, all my words and all my definitions. Having rush as a starting point is obviously not supportive and I just cannot allow myself to use the existing definition of the word patience to justify the race against my own self and time. Therefore, in order to live this Principle, as well as the other 22 Principles within my Declaration, I commit myself to redefine the word Patience within me - not in relation to time or in wanting to be quick or enforcing my realisations unto others and external world, but to be patient within my own self, to guarantee that I walk this process fully, completely, that I investigate all my points, that I apply and test the correction, that I learn from myself and others, that I re-educate myself about the things that I don't understand and that I am patient with others as I am with myself.

In the redefinition of the word Patience within me, the point of not "waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world" is exactly about not allowing quick fixes within or without - solutions must come from within no matter how long it takes me to realise or to correct myself. In order to be constant within myself and, therefore, to push myself to be self-aware in everything I hear, speak and do, I realise that being patient is key - the patience to be constant, to be disciplined and to apply my self-correction. This Process manifests from the inner to the outer world: first I must be patient to recognise that which I don't understand, to realise where my fears come from, to understand why I judge me and others; secondly I must be patient with me to recreate a stable foundation within me where I live the Principle for myself in my daily day, in my relationships, in my own decisions, constantly; and finally, to live the Patience of seeing how the world works, to become aware of the time it takes for change to actually occur, to not fight the system but to be patient with it, just like the Destonians were patient with me when I started my Process five years ago.

Patience it is not to lay down or lay back; it is not about becoming powerless but it is exactly the opposite - as it is explained in Anu's interview "Patience and How to Live it", without patience one goes easily into reaction and that is a manifestation of powerlessness, because one is controlled by another's reaction instead of standing stable and directing the situation in common sense.

According to the dictionary*, Patience is

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Curiously enough none of the definitions above refers to time, except the confrontation with delay. When something needs to be done, it is irrelevant and actually counterproductive to be under time pressure.

In my redefinition of Patience I realise that it implies understanding; for understanding to develop I must be humble and willing to investigate, to ask questions and to give me time to consolidate and apply my understanding. This waiting mode is not a hopeless state, but rather a time that I give to myself to process the information, to investigate the problem and to search for solutions, both for myself and the world. "Waiting" does not mean "stopping", because while I am waiting for myself to realise a point I can be proactively investigating the point within me until I see that I am ready to apply it in my own life.
For as long as there is the directive principle of changing oneself to the utmost potential, there is no need to react against time. If impatience manifests I check where I have missed my understanding or self-direction, I apply self-forgiveness and I establish my commitment to correct myself.

In order for me to be able to realise that I have created who and how I am in this moment, I must be patient with myself and in walking in this physical reality without jumping steps - I cannot walk quicker than  my physical body; I must walk within the awareness that my physical breath is my reference to make sure that I don't miss any breath/any moment in my application. If I miss-a-take, I am patient with myself and I give me this opportunity to investigate where I missed the breath and therefore support me to not do the mistake again.

I realise that I was not educated to be patient with myself because most likely others (family, friends) weren't educated about it either. I also see a judgement towards Patience, as if being patient is a waste of time or a failure. Until now I could not understand why I should be patient when I see people already able to overcome certain points and so, in my mind, I believe I should be able to overcome those points too. However, in physical reality I must walk each and every point by myself in order to live it for myself. I realise that projecting my correction or a final outcome  will not help until I live the decision to walk the correction in real time and get to know me in the process of changing.

The two patterns that contribute to feed impatience within me are comparison and desire. Therefore, whenever I see the pattern of comparison manifested in my thoughts, I commit myself to slow down and see what is that I am not allowing myself to walk for myself, why am I not being patient with myself in my own process and why is that I wish to become like another  by pure magic.The same applies to the desire: instead of desiring to be like another (which would be the quick fix) I must investigate within me what is that I am not giving and living for myself, learn with the other that it is possible to become it, and then move myself to start living that specific characteristic or decision in my life.

I am the only one able to get to know myself fully and completely. That is why I cannot wait for anything or anyone to do it for me because it simply won't happen. That is why my only choice is to walk my process and to be Patient with me to slowly but surely become the Living Principles in my relationship to myself and to this world. This is all I must do for myself and that is all my time is for.

Finally, being aware that the process of changing one's mind and consequently this word will take as much time as it took the create the patterns in first place, being patient is key to let the rush go and to stand in self-responsibility and self-direction, walking breath by breath, one step at a time.

Quote by Bernard Poolman: https://bernardpoolmanquotes.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/process-of-self-realization-as-life-in-equality/

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DAY 100: My relationship to entertainment - opening this point within me

Before I took the decision to stop and write, I was going to watch another episode of a series. My starting point was based on a long day of work and an escape from a headache of the mind that I was starting to feel.  I was seeing my my partner entertained with a game and I felt the anxiety of wanting to stop studying and doing something fun and relaxing, even though I was creating exactly the other polarity of stress in the thoughts of "what should" or "should not do". Now that I am writing, I am giving me my stability back.

The pattern mentioned above of using entertainment as an escape is old - meaning, I realise that is has been within me for awhile, since school time where I saw entertainment/play as a reward after study. Nowadays, the same relationship with entertainment still exists however the time for games and relaxation is shorter than in childhood, so another pattern emerged: the accumulation of desire for entertainment and "free time".  After the daily 8 hours (sometimes more) at work, I have committed myself to continue studying for a Masters which I am now on my first year.

Yesterday, I realised an immense anxiety when I read the list of my assignments' deadlines, like an attack of fear of not making and the backchat of "it is too much at the same time". In my mind,I read the desire to go on holiday again to let go of all the various projects that I am involved. But then I ask myself: Do I want to run away from myself all my life? Is this real tiredness or am I sabotaging my own commitments?

In self-honesty, I do want to live all my commitments, not only the MA but also my daily writing, the DIP, the married life, the physical rest, my friendships and sports. So the feeling and anxiety of overwhelmingness is an indicator of a point that I must support myself to organise my daily life in a way that is viable, is fun and I express and expand myself in everything that I do.

But where does my need for entertainment come from?

Let me have a  look at that what is that watching a series gives me that I am not giving to myself by default:

• usually watching a series is a sign of having done all my other tasks and so there is a moment of "freedom" in my daily schedule to simply watch others on the screen;
• watching a series fills in a break when I arrive home after work, just before I start my other tasks such as the study or my writings;
• a postponement that is covered by an apparent calmness
•  a distraction from my own thoughts and a distraction of myself, because I am focused on another's life and therefore I don't judge me nor make mistakes. At the same time, I see that I am not creating anything either, I am only being an observer of other characters.
• The comfort of seeing the characters finding always a solution for their problems
• It gives me motivation to watch the next one because I want to follow the story; it feeds me curiosity about their story

So now, by bringing these points to myself, I can ask myself how am I participating in the other polarity in relation to my own life/story? Why do I participate in the resistance of facing and transcending my own problems, as if I want to keep me in a time-loop without understanding my own mind, instead of moving forward, finding solutions to myself and being curious to know me and my potential as Life? Why am I not creating myself for the best of me in everything that I do, without labeling my actions as "highs" or "lows"? Can I not read my university deadlines in absolute stability and confident that I am going to manage my time accordingly?

At the moment, I am grateful that I stopped the urge to watch the series and directed me to write, stopping the indecision of the mind as to "what should I do". Writing-self is a point of direction to stop, clarify the headache of the mind and start again, prioritizing my responsibilities and doing the best with the time that I have. Luckily my job does not imply bringing work home so it depends on me to manage the 5 hours in the evening to my self-commitments.

On my next blog I will write the self-forgiveness on the need for external entertainment, which is a point of separation.

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Day 47: When the desire is bigger than the need

There are many patterns of the mind that we are not aware of when they manifest.

Comparisons, jealousy, competition and greed are patterns of separation. Have you ever noticed how self-dishonest one can be? Distracted with the desire of getting something new (whether is the newest mobile or a new wife), there is an accumulation of thoughts motivated by the idea of getting that which one doesn’t have yet. The image that you want others to have of you --- look at my new toy! (whether is the newest mobile or a new wife...). The image of yourself with the new achievement is just incredible in your own mind to let it go.

But what happens when your desire becomes real? It is not desirable anymore. The energy attached to it has gone as well as the mission to get it. Puff, no more excitement. Was the new toy amazing or was it the image of you with it? Is technology great or the perceptions we create about it? How cruel can we be with our own creation?...

Humans consume the desires of the mind that clearly show are fictional. The desire wasn’t real in first place but you moved yourself physically to get it --- this is how we are destroying ourselves.

The human will have to quickly find a new target otherwise gets into depression. And the cycle starts again. Each one in its own bubble of desires, comparisons, jealousy, competition and greed disregarding Life around you, nature and everything that indeed makes you alive. This is a short description of how the physical world is being damaged by consumerism.

Of course one can actually direct oneself to become self-aware and stop such participation, but self-honesty is not something one can buy. One must BEcome.

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Day 15: Relationship with chocolate: the cycle is here again...

... and what it means to accept the sweetness of Life as me.

This point is here again. I am facing myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become -- This is exactly what this process is all about.

As every relationship, this pattern is manifested as a need, fear and pleasure perceived outside myself. I realized today how hard was for me to stop myself from thinking about a chocolate cake (an image of the mind and an idea about its taste) -- this mind control is totally unacceptable and self-dishonest. Now that I am writing this, I am feeling very sleepy: I breathe in self-support and I stand awake for myself.

At the supermarket, my first thought was about buying a chocolate cake - after going through the supermarket shelves, none of the cakes seemed to be good (based on the image I had in my mind) and I pushed myself to stop thinking of it. After forgiving myself out loud, I moved myself and directed myself to do other things.

Later, at my sister's house there were many chocolates and I imagined myself eating chocolate again. I ate a piece of one of the chocolates (not the cake I was thinking about initially) and I immediately stopped thinking of it. I realized today that it is not about the chocolate I eat/I imagine, but the comfort associated with eating it.

By that moment of hesitation and self-doubt, I reacted towards my father and this was clearly a projection of self-anger/self-distrust towards him.

I moved myself to write about these points and I searched for my previous writings and Self-Forgiveness I work about this point before. What I found showed me that I haven't transcended the patterns manifested within the relationship with chocolate so far. The cycle is here again.

From a previous session on 17 March 2010 with Muscle Communication I realized that this relationship is based on:

• I believe chocolate will damage my teeth
• I see chocolate as a need
• I fear to don't have the taste of chocolate anymore
• I find comfort in chocolate/desserts
• I desire for a dessert because I feel alone
• I see chocolate as a compensation
• Chocolate became a suppression within myself
• It is based on fear of loss
• I relate chocolate with memories of happy moments in my childhood
• I associate chocolate with happiness

These have been exactly the manifestations I went through today. By keep feeding these patterns within myself, I go into a time loop instead of directing myself in each moment of breath in self-awareness. Reading these notes now were very supportive to face this point until this is dOne. Self-Forgiveness is effective within self-correction in the physical action. I Stop. I face the point. I breathe. I apply myself. I stand as Life. I walk in Self-Honesty. I walk this point of disconnecting this relationship in terms of chocolate supporting mind consciousness systems' existence within my human physical body. I stand in Self-Support, One and Equal as chocolate as a manifestation of Life here.

Notes from 16 April 2010. The same point:
Interesting that in the last session I realized I've been perceiving chocolate as a reward and compensation; today, I was feeling a resistance to start the SRA lessons after dinner and when I decided to go for it, i had the thought that, because I was directing myself to do the lesson, then I deserved a chocolate.

While writing this, I remembered some experiences related with this relationship: when I was young my parents used to say that if I didn't eat all the food on the plate I wouldn't have a dessert - curiously I always had space in my stomach for a dessert, specially for chocolate; when I was in the summer camps, chocolate was the prize of the sports competitions.

• I associate chocolate with a moment of joy and as something that i deserve after doing something
• I associate parties with eating chocolates as I was allowed to eat as much chocolate and sweets as I wanted.

= eating chocolate is linked to an energy defined as happiness

I never saw chocolate as just chocolate without any association?

I see polarity as well: desire for chocolate (perceived as a prize) and then feeling regret for eating when I had to go to the dentist, because I associated teeth damaged with the quantity of sweets and chocolates I eat.

This judgement of chocolate (both desired and feared) was fed also by my experience with my sisters, who blame chocolate each time they get weight. I remember that they used to question how I was so thin considering the chocolates I used to eat.

By that time, the priority point was (with the support of Muscle Communication)

The Relationship with chocolate is associated with:

• a prize/compensation
• something that i can trust as good

The points for me to work were:

• the feelings associated with chocolates and the need for chocolate.

Chocolate is chocolate. Chocolate is me here, there is nothing to lose or to win. By eating chocolate, I become chocolate, my body is made of chocolate. I exist as the chocolate thus there is no need or association required. I support myself by not allowing nor accepting a need for chocolate, by not believing chocolate as something more than who I am, by not fearing chocolate/fearing myself. Such self-dishonest is unacceptable.

Eating chocolate as a way to feel better within myself is self-dishonest - as if chocolate gives me more than what I already am. This feeling that chocolate gives me life is trapping myself and accepting me as sweet-less, hateful, bad and hard on myself.

I am as sweet as the chocolate. Thus, chocolate does not give me anything that I am not already.

Now I underSTAND what it means to be the sweetness of live.

I trust myself as Life I already am. I AM here. Self-support from the inside-out.

I am the sweetness of Life and I am the pleasure within myself, I embrace myself, I am my direction and the example to myself.

Chocolate has nothing that I am not - I don't accept any kind of separation or hate towards myself. I am one within and as Life in all that exists.

1. I forgive myself for having created an idea that there's someone forbidding me to eat what I want, such as chocolates.
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel weak about the issues of food as if I don't know how to support myself. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to distrust myself as my self-support and thus to believe that others know better what is the best for me instead of me supporting self.
3. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to need others' agreement to direct myself - including on what I eat. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to forget that I am the one feeding myself, I am the one directing myself and doing what is the best for me, as all.
4. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to copy what other people do and eat because if they do and eat it then it is acceptable, right and good for me.
5. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge things according to other people's judgements.
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distrust my self-support and trust more in things outside myself. However, if I do not see myself as self-support, then I don't see others as me and all I create is based on a double separation (first from myself and then from others).
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust more in what my dentist says than what I direct myself to do and become stable.
8. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by others from the starting point that I don't know what is the best for me or that I don't do things right.

This pattern is related with wanting/needing others to tell me what to do.

Dictionary word "abhorrent"

• Abhorrent towards myself

When someone gives me attention I feel better within myself because my starting point is that I don't deserve it. It seems that no one wants to be told what to do, however we are always waiting for someone or something to direct us. This is separation.

It seems that i do not enjoy myself. Because I judge myself according to the patterns and the past, I am not enjoying myself, my own company, my presence, my voice, my attitudes and the directions I take.

• Specific words: hateful, inconsistent, feeling disgust

Self-distrust and self-judgements manifested into a relationship with chocolate and sweeten food:

9. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to love chocolates and desire chocolates because I perceive myself as sweet less and hateful. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to hate myself and to project the love polarity into chocolates as an escape of this relationship of hate within myself.
10. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to use chocolates as a comfort to the feelings and self-judgements within myself which are self-dishonest.
11. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge myself as hateful, inconsistent and disgustful. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe to be these thoughts and judgements.
12. I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to lose self-trust by believing in my self-judgements according to my experiences and perceptions (which I am 'programmed' to feed).
13. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to create a relationship with sweet food as if it is forbidden, just because I perceive sweet food to be the best thing to eat and as more than me. I forgive myself for perceiving sweet food as forbidden to because I judge me as not sweet/not good.
14. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to become these thoughts through and project it as reactions and irritation.
15. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to create this resistance against myself as if I don't deserve to feel good at myself, stable and grateful.
16. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project this self-aggression into my actions.
17. I forgive myself for having allowed myself to think of me with disgust and ignoring myself and I forgive myself for accepting myself to look for pleasure outside myself, by eating chocolates for instance.
18. I forgive myself for wanting to provide all the best to other people and ignore myself - I forgive myself for wanting to bring self-confidence to people around me and to forget to support myself all-ways in each breath I take.

NOW: practical application of myself as Life. I accept the sweetness of life as Life in me.

Next step: work this relationship on a Mind Construct.

Video support on this point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSOas8yvZKE

More about this process: http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

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