DAY 89: Curiosity to see the limit - How far can we go? Reflection on violence

I realise that I want to control everything, including my own death - for example, when I am next to a cliff or on the top of a high building, I have thoughts of what would happen if I were to jump and have this curiosity to imagine my own fall as if I were in a movie (on this point, I suggest my previous post on the influence of the images from the media in our minds). This sort of curiosity comes along with an energetic movement within me as a need for a change, as if death would ever bring a change. The same applies in violence: who has ever considered that violence could fix/change anything? When a parent is violent towards a child, did it change the child or did it only suppress the problem to avoid actually understanding where the issue comes from and find a long-term real solution? By looking at the world, it is clear to me that violence hasn't fixed anything - the instinct for war still exists and people still believe that a conflict must exist in order to enforce an idea of superiority and power over other nations.

This week I felt physically tired and with little patience towards other people. With this state of mind (which was my responsibility to understand its origins and help myself to overcome it), I  noticed an increase in thoughts of violence: violence towards myself and violence towards others. It is obvious that such thoughts are abusive and I must stop them in a preventive measure before I create a consequence in my life and in the life of others. I also noticed that when I am in a rush, the presence of another person appears to be a burden, as if I just want to do my things in my own bubble based on the idea that other won't understand me (without even trying to explain myself because I see it as a waste of my "precious" time!). For instance, during the peak-hours on the tube, people can be quite violent when it comes to get into the tube and disregard the others, by pushing the other without even looking in the eyes to see if the other person is ok. In these moments, I find that breathing is the only tool to remind myself that I am here and that the other person is here with me, as equals. Another time where thoughts of violence pop-up is when I see two people having a conversation or arguments and I imagine that they will start being violent with another and that people around might be hurt, including me. Of course, in common sense one should not stay in a situation of imminent violence to prevent any unnecessary harm, however, these thoughts are a distraction and do not support me to stand in common sense and see what is the best thing to do in the moment.

Finally, I realise that thoughts of violence towards other people are a reflection of my own fears, as if I want to defend myself and therefore think that I must attack before being attacked. These are the fears that I will be walking in my self-forgiveness. I am the one who can change myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts and images in my mind of being violent towards another person, as if I am watching a movie in my mind, without seeing that this is a reaction within me that I must stop in fully self-awareness to make sure that my stability is created once and for all. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accumulate images of violence within me that I capture from the news, from the street and from the movies without questioning the physical abuse and pain that is being allowed by others and within me in my own thoughts. I realise that it is my responsibility to stop any images and influences from external images within me to make sure that I create myself in complete integrity and equal to the other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the images in the mind, as well as the images on the TV, must happen in my own life as if I dictate my life to be a copy of the violence in this world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to associate violence of words and physical violence to superiority and power.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must impose myself through violence in order to be respected and feared by another. I realise that violence is a perceived quick fix based on perceptions of power but it is not a solution for life, as it creates separation, fear and distrust between people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that violent movements are a manifestation of respect. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that violence can shuts up the other person.

Suddenly I reminded myself of two times when my grandfather slapped me and recently I started to think that he was right because I was a pain in the ass. However, I realise that it is unacceptable to accept any form of violence towards myself on anyone else and violence does not help anyone in understanding what needs to be corrected or where does the reaction come from. The same way that I must not accept any form of verbal violence against me or anyone else and therefore I must stand as this principle of not doing to others that which I do not want to be done unto me. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be petrified with the images of violence in the reality and in the mind instead of realising that violence is a projection of self-instability, need for attention, need for power and perception of inferiority. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that sometimes violence is required to bring order without seeing, realising and understand that violence will create new layers of conflict suppressed between the parties/people and within oneself, without any understanding or proper communication. Consequently, I realise that the solution will be postponed because the reaction or thoughts of violence will stay in one's mind until the point comes up again in a new opportunity to see the common sense and change myself in my relationship to conflict.

Therefore, I commit myself to take this moment to walk through this point and write about it, as I realise that I am fed up of these thoughts and images of the mind. I realise that I don't want to create these images of conflict within me nor in my reality, as this causes separation, fosters the conflict inside-out, and that such energy of fear  creates friction and unstability within me, as within and in the world around me.

Self-corrective statements:

I realise that the thoughts of violence within me are not who I am as Life in oneness and equality and such thoughts are not what I want to create in my own reality. Therefore, I commit myself to practice my self-correction in cleaning the thoughts within me:

When and as I see myself having an image of violence in my mind, I stop the thought immediately and I breathe.

I commit myself to stand and Live as the Principle of doing into others that which I want to be done unto myself, which violence is not included.  When and as I see myself imagining someone being violent towards me, I stop this acceptance and allowance. I realise that any form of violence against me/against life is unacceptable and I commit myself to not participate in such violations of stability and security that should be inherent to every being in this existence. I realise that that which I accept within I will accept outside in the world and in others, so I commit myself to stand firm in my decision to not support violence in any way whatsoever, as within so without. I realise that I must become the example of self-honesty, oneness and equality in me, in my thoughts, words and deeds.

I realise that the my mind participates in the polarities of fearing violence and consequently desiring violence as an extreme and visual attraction for its rarity. In this, I see, realise and understand that violence IS NOT NEEDED in any way whatsoever and it is not through violent enforcement that real change occurs.

From my experience, I realise that violence will create more confusion and judgments of right or wrong without a complete explanation and understanding of the situation or about the mental state of the other person. In this, I commit myself to see that violence is a reflection of ones' minds and therefore, I commit myself to focus on my own mind and see when and in which circumstance the thoughts pop up within me and I forgive the thoughts/reactions/anger in the moment, in a real-time self-forgiveness and real-time application.

When and as I see myself having a thought and an image of me perpetrating violence towards another person by kicking them, I stop and I breathe. I realise that any thoughts of violence are a projection of my own inner conflicts and I commit myself to write and explore these, in common sense, in order to help me to calm myself and find solutions that are the best for me/the others.

I realise that any perceptions of power and superiority associated to violence is brainwashing. I also realise that the perception of inferiority associated to the memories of when I suffered violence from another person is not real - I realise that these memories have a sense of inferiority which is not real. I realise that I don't have to take revenge over my own memories/mind, as this actually feeds the conflict of the mind and the energy of conflict that will only feed separation within me and the others. I commit myself to stand stable within and in self-honesty when I think of any memories that I have when I suffered physical violence from another person at school. I commit myself to stop and forgive the memories of the mind and therefore I stop the snowball of the past to define/dictate who I am and what I do in my present and in my future.

I commit myself to become disciplined in the process of stopping the mind and in giving me direction without allowing the mind to fly free, as it is not programmed to stand for life/as Life in every moment of breath. I realise that this is exactly the Process of re-programming my mind and who I am, this time with the Principles of Life in everything I think, speak and do, in oneness and equality with all that exists.

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DAY 87: Dealing with the images in the mind (and in the news)

I came to the realisation that many of my fears are backed-up by images that got stored within my memory and that in specific situations these images are projected into my life, creating an anticipation within my mind of believing that I know what is going to happen next. These images that I am referring to come from the news and some movies that I watched throughout time but I never questioned as to why I kept these images, what was the fear that these images manifested and how I was accumulating all these fears within me. At the same time, I never questioned the conviction of the mind that those same episodes would occur in my life. I will give you an example: I was walking tonight from the library and there is this long road with trees from each side and some cars passing by once and a while. I hear a person walking behind me and I looked to see the person's look (as if a person's appearance defines them as to be 'good' or 'bad'). At this point there wasn’t an extensive fear however, from that moment on, I kept walking and images in my mind started to pop up, such as the image of being grabbed by the guy, the image of someone hidden behind the trees waiting to attack me, the image of a car stopping next to me to kidnap me and the image of me running away… all of these movies were happening in my mind only. One thing is to be aware of me and cautious, but why do I allow myself to believe in these images? The answer is the lack of communication and education about what we see and what we hear in the sources of information, I mean, we were never taught how to deal with the emotions that images and words are associated with in the news, we were never educated to forgive ourselves from all these ideas that limit us for the rest of our lives, we were never explained how we create these fears and how to clean ourselves from those same fears. There is no magic but there understanding, application and correction of the things that we accept and allow within ourselves and in our world.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energy of fear when I associated my reality of walking alone from the university to the idea of the news about a girl that disappeared on her way home.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed that an image took completely over of my reality as if there is no other possible outcome rather than a tragedy!

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stand stable within me when I am doing something new that I have no reference of doing in the past, such as being in a different city. I realise that my Life is my creation in real time and no images of the mind are required in this process, unless if I use the images to understand the patterns of fear and forgive the points the image open up within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be misdirected by the images of the mind that are not a guidance. I realise that these images are simply images captured from the media  and that it is my responsibility to recreate my present and future different from the problems that are already known.

Self-corrective Statements

When and as I see myself compromising my stability and compromising my ability to take decisions in the moment based on common sense, because I got influenced by an image of the mind, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see the image of the future in my mind, I stop the image through breath (like bursting the bubble) until I am stable within me. I remind myself that this is an image and that this present moment is my opportunity to give me a new direction outside of the frame of my mind that can only reach knowledge and information but that is not necessarily the best for me.

I commit myself to investigate each and every single image that pop up in my mind, standing aware that the image is not me and that the thoughts of the mind are not to be taken as the truth.

I commit myself to recreate my present as that which I live for myself, based on the Principles of common sense, self-stability, self-trust, self-change. I realise that by stopping the images of the mind and being here in each breath I am able to see how I am creating this parallel scenario in my mind and therefore I am able of changing my attitude in the moment: instead of giving up into the "curiosity" of the image in the mind, I commit myself to give me the moment of application by not following the images of the mind and to recreate my existence for the best of me, which is also the best for the others, based on the principle of give as I would like to receive.

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DAY 85: The Fear of Walking Alone

Today I could see and physically feel this fear manifested in two ways within me: the fear of walking alone in my process and then fear of walking alone on the street. I was walking down the street in Dublin and in my mind I thought about the possibility of being attacked by another being, either prosecuted or in a direct physical invasion of my space. It was a little bit late at night and I was not familiar with this part of the city, so my mind some connections were made regarding: late night + alone + new city for me = imminent danger. So this brings me to the point of not being unconditionally stable wherever I am, in making sure that I walk my process of breathing, stopping the mind, continue walking (both in the physical and in exploring my Process) and that I do not give in into the mind. So what happened when I gave in into the mind: an enormous energy of fear was felt within my whole body: I was crossing the road and I saw people crossing in the opposite direction. When we were passing by each other, I had the sensation that one male was actually moving in my direction to push me. I reacted in fear of actually moving away to the left as in my mind I was anticipating some sort of attack. This happened in a matter of seconds and fortunately there were no cars in that moment, otherwise it could have been dangerous because for a moment I was only focused on that other being and not realizing that I was crossing the road! After this, I continued walking alone but in a watchful manner and distrustful towards other beings that passed by me that night.

The fear-energy was disturbing, extremely strong and mind-created. I was forgetting that there had been quite a big sports match in the afternoon and that there was many people drunk walking around, so this could have possibly been an unbalanced human being affected by alcohol with no intention to harm me but because we were physically close (crossing the road) I associated the idea imminent danger once I saw his unbalanced body movement.

What I take from here is the danger of feeding the mind and how this generates a separate reality in my mind about how I think things can happen based on stories, imagination, experiences from other people and even news that I see happening to other people. In essence, the mind repeats the past in a very manipulative manner because it uses the present reality to feed the patterns of the past. However, in my Process of Change, I can use that which my mind shows me to understand where the fears come from, to stop them and to give me direction to walk away from the mind and change my present and future.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to walk on the street and participate in the fear of the mind by thinking that is too late to be in the street at night and therefore “punish me” in the thoughts of being attacked by a male figure.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal to be fearful because I am a woman walking alone at night in a new city, without realizing that this is a brainwashing of victimization that I, as a woman, have accepted to justify the fears of the mind.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to walk alone on the street in complete stability, physically present, breath by breath. I realize that being careful and aware of reality does not imply to have fear, because in fear I am no longer in this reality, but “living” in a mind separate reality.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be convinced in my mind that the person crossing the road was going to attack me because I was matching his body movement with the image of the mind of seeing someone walking in my direction to harm me. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be in a protective and defense mode because I would be a victim of that male attack instead of realizing that this was happening in my imagination. Therefore, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be a victim of a male attack and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the mind into this reality.

Self-Corrective Statements

I commit myself to let go of these thoughts when I am walking alone, no matter at what time in the day and I commit myself to be stable within me in every moment of breath, to make sure that I am present here, equal and one with any other being here – this way I also see that I am able to move myself if needed, but not from an energetic reaction that does not support me and only creates separation, nervousness and physical instability. I realize that I did not even consider helping that male in case he was actually falling due to the alcohol imbalance.

When and as I see myself going into a fear state, I stop, I breathe and I speak Self-Forgiveness outloud to myself to guaranteed that I help me to bring me back to Here and not feed the fears of the mind.

When and as I see myself thinking that being a woman alone walking down the street at night is synonymous of danger, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this idea is based on the education that I had, the news that I heard and the whole perception of inequality between males and females that I see it should not exist. Within this, I commit myself to stand equal to the male presence and to never again allow me to underestimate my presence based on the idea that I am weaker in case there is an attack from a male. I also realize that such situation I cannot anticipate however, I am responsible for taking care of myself in recreating my stability within me and recreating my self-trust in my presence on this earth. I commit myself to stop the projections of the mind when some elements “match” the idea of perceived danger, such as the point of being late at night, being alone in a foreign city and being a woman.  Regardless of being alone and being a female, I am as responsible for being stable within me as everybody else, anywhere and at any time.

When and as I see myself being unstable within me and moving myself in fear, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to breathe and do Self-Forgiveness until I am stable to make sure that I don’t create my own mess in my reality for being distracted in my mind. In essence, it is quite simplistic: I must make sure that I don’t allow myself to be petrified and possessed by the mind-fear and the mind-personalities and that the only way to do it is to face the fears/personalities, forgive them, let them go and support me to be physically here, present, as my own example and able to do what is best for me and for the others.

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Day 25: I am a full-time job!

In some moments when I am in total breath-awareness I realise that this IS real - I am real - my movement IS real, time IS here and I AM HERE. This happened last week when I was going up the stairs in my room --- it was weird. I was walking because I was moving my body. I was making a sound because I was speaking. Nothing could stop me from walking.
In fact, I am the only one that stops myself really. Therefore I am the one that allows me to be here! So if I direct myself to walk the talk, I am pushing myself to walk in self-honesty, considering that this 'talk' is self-honest, supportive for me and for others. 

This is where the backchats come up. The thoughts are my biggest limitation. When I am of the mind, I am not aware of the movement and I am a robot: eating for the sake of eating, walking, reacting,... This is the secret mind - who I believe I am or I need to behave accordingly - just an amount of ideas, definitions and beliefs accumulated throughout time... An imense invisible ocean that polutes the air I breathe.
Considering this realisations through my personal experience (by following the backchats I end up repeating patterns and I miss-the-takes) I decided to take on the Desteni I Process. It has been the only education that provides me the practical tools to deal with myself, my thoughts, fears, emotions, always in self-responsibility - no one to blame.

It brought me the awareness that I am my full-time job! Since the moment I wake up, till I go to bed and even while dreaming, I am always dealing with myself -- self-honesties, self-dishonesties, transcendencies, patterns, mirrors, projections,... -- and the Process takes the 'glasses' out = for me to see what is really going on: both inside and outside me. By taking self-responsibility for me, I am being self-responsible within my participation in the world. Can you imagine if everyone were to take self-responsibility for each one's acts? What a real commitment and respect for everyone's lives!
It is a big challenge because much of the information around me ends by distracting me from myself. Each one is in its own bubble and there is no time and willingness to meet the 'other' in self-honesty.
Regarding the news for example, it became an enormous distraction -- watching things on the tv makes the problem seem to be far way, when in fact the same issue is possibly happening in our own houses. And yes! It is as important as the problem on tv! One has to deal with it, one has to be strong and trust oneself to overcome it.  
Everyone is equally important! We are all full-time beings, full-time alive! 
This is now applied to my direction and to look at who I have become to correct to who I want to be for the best of me and for everyone. I say 'who I have become' because it is just impossible to ignore the realisation that who I am is a result of the society and surroundings around me --- what I say, what I speak uffffff I became a sponge! Now I see that I have to be more like a filter --- not everything in the media supports me, not everything that was taught to me is beneficial to the life on the planet, not everything that people tell me is self-honest and so on...

So this is the challenge ahead of us. Making sure that we are the best we can be in this job called LIFE.
... breathing in self-awareness in every moment is a BIG challenge/change.

www.desteniiprocess.com

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