DAY 119: Self-Forgiveness on Staying in bed

Despite my recent written commitment to wake up for and by myself, I stayed in bed today - this was a deliberate self-dishonesty because even if I felt physically tired I could have simply started the day slowly, but awake. Instead, I pressed snooze on my phone and let it stay in this mode for about one hour. The consequence was the rush and pressure that I put on myself since I had an appointment later in the morning.

It was cool to be aware of the reactions within me and to do my best in being efficient with the short time I had, however, I know that I can recreate a better reality for myself, stress-free.

The main point to look at was the deliberate sabotage that I went through in the morning: I was aware of my commitment but I did not apply my self-will. Therefore I will continue forgiving myself until I am clear on this point, I test it and I change:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this internal fight between wanting to stay in the comfort of my bed and wanting to live my commitment of waking up in self-direction. I realise that if I created this fight I am the one able to fix it. In self-honesty I see that my lack of self-direction to wake up was based on the excuse that it is Saturday and that I "can" stay in bed because apparently there is no work responsibility of waking up at a certain time. It is exactly in this moment that I see if my commitment is real and if it is unconditional. Therefore, 

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to live my commitment of waking up once my alarm rings everyday, including weekends. I have been realising that 7 hours of sleep is currently the number of hours that my body requires to rest and that after this time I am recharging my mind because I am feeding the fight of waking up VS staying in bed that I created to myself in first place. I also realise that regardless of the number of hours of sleep, the moment I wake up must be unconditional, breathe by breathe, in one decision - my self-direction and self-commitment are unconditional. 

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to create rush in my own self/body and put pressure on my body to move fast because I have limited the time available for my actions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separated from my decision to wake up at a certain time. This conflict within me reminds me the arguments I had (and still have) with my mum because I wanted to wake up early but my mum would insist that I needed to sleep more.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I must stay in bed a little bit longer because I went to bed late the night before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired during the day if I wake up early in the morning. In this, I see that if I get tired I can rest or stop for a moment since it is the weekend, however based on my experience once I wake up I am able to stay awake for many hours in a row.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thinking about excuses for me to stay in bed instead of moving myself physically to transcend the resistance to direct myself. I realise that if I move myself physically and if I am aware of my breath I will not give in to the energy/thoughts of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own indiscipline in relation to my commitments - I realise that I don't take my commitments seriously.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my commitment of waking up in the morning as I had planned the night before.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stick with my plan and to have accepted to go into a "workaround" justifying why I changed the plan and stayed in bed. I realise that I can make my reality easier if I trust myself and if I live the agreement I did with myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think "I can stay in bed a little bit longer because I can get dressed and ready in a rush", without seeing, realising and understanding that I am creating my own experience of rush/stress instead of standing as an example of commitment, dedication and stability towards myself/my actions.

In addition to the self-corrective statements written yesterday:

I commit myself to stick to common sense: if I decide something in the evening but in the morning I don't stick with the plan, in common sense I see that the problem is not the plan but my attitude towards it that has changed based on how I feel in the morning. In this, I am aware that feelings are not real because they change from night to day and feelings are not trustworthy. I also see that this is a mind-pattern of wanting to give up on my own decision and to take the easy way which is to leave the habits as they are, instead of moving myself through the resistance and rediscover me in my decision to wake up in self-direction, for and by myself, and start the day stable within me, giving me time to write and eat in the morning for example. 

I realise that by sticking to my agreement of waking up early at the time I have set to be the best for me I am re-establishing my relationship to all my tasks and commitments throughout the day, not accepting less than what I am able of doing with the time I have.

While writing the self-forgiveness I had this memory of a story that I read in the primary school about this child that was describing her morning and it consisted of waking up, getting dressed, having breakfast, doing the homework and then leaving to school. It was quite shocking for me to think of having time in the morning to sit down to do my homework, since my mornings were always stressful: looking at the clock, eating quickly (later in secondary school skipped the early breakfast), dressing on my way to the door and leaving to take a ride from my dad or a friend. My day has always started in a state of rush that I learned how to cope with so that I could be stable in the classroom and "forget" the morning run. It is funny that I am "haunted" by these memories and I notice physical reactions in my body while writing these words. Tomorrow I  will do the exercise recommended in the Journey Into the Afterlife and I  will focus on How I am experiencing myself in the moment I wake up and check what is the emotion associated and continue investigating this personality system.

Illustration: http://www.realbeauty.com/health/wellness/get-some-get-up-and-go#slide-1

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DAY 106: I end up never doing what I have planned to do

There has been this constant backchat of self-defeat: "I can never do what I have planned to do", based on the assumption that time is too short for my things - is time too short or am I exhausting it with many plans and little action? If I spend time in the mind in thinking what I will do, I am already creating the experience of not corresponding to the mind, because real things take real time. It is supportive to take notes of tasks to do but more than that is daydreaming - I am more productive if I start the actions, rather than thinking about it.

The things that I have not been doing include my self-writing and studying.

Writing every day is time that I give back to myself and it is fair that, if during the day I am giving my time/attention to others, I should equally dedicate time for myself. I am aware of this unbalance whereby I tend to give to others that which I am not giving to myself. - How can I be stable with another if I am not being stable within? How can I be assertive with others when I am not being assertive with me? How can I be supportive to others if I am not supporting me first?

This week I have also realised how I tend to admire people that appear to be very organised and that appear to have time to do everything they want to do. If there is admiration, this is an indicator of a point that I perceive myself to be lacking and therefore I get entertained with the desire instead of learning with another and applying that in my own life.

Now I see that the desire to have free time is the desire to entertain myself, to be passive, to do nothing, so why do I want to have free time if I am not being assertive with the time I have? If I had free time, would I stop to write and study? Probably not. So my starting point hasn't been to manage my time for my commitments but to continue the patterns of the mind, under the excuse that I don't have time for everything. Finally, when the free time comes, I spend it with entertainment because it is a reward for my hard work of not doing what I really want!

The resistance to study is bi-polar: there is an initial thought of "this is too much for me" but when I transcend this barrier and I start, I really enjoy it and realise that I can do it. Indeed, I have all the tools to educate myself and to expand myself in the field that I am studying. When I am studying, other dimensions within my process become more clear as I read new authors and new perspectives on social/world issues. 

The same applies to the Desteni courses: an initial resistance to start writing - "it will take me ages to walk these points", but when I start the exercises, I bring my stability back and I realise how grateful I am for opening up these points within me. Each exercise allows me to work on new points that otherwise I would take much longer to face them.

So, where do I start? With myself and my commitments as my self-direction. Today I am re-starting my commitment to study for 21 days in order to break the habit of procrastinating, which include studying for my MA and the Desteni I Process. I will share with you how my daily application has changed based on my prioritisation and which resistances I face when trying to change my mind-patterns.

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DAY 105: Days without writing - practical points to re-embrace self and stop procrastination

You know when you are traveling, moving from one place to another and everything is temporary, until you finally reach your home and you start to be more organised? Well, I haven't been physically travelling but this is an analogy to what happens to me when I am not writing and I am moving from one point to another, as if I am escaping from my own self, without actually living the commitment of dealing with my reality completely and being specific. The idea of getting to the comfort of my home (the moment when I stop and write) became an delusional oasis and used as an excuse to procrastinate the creation of such oasis everywhere I go - and that moment never came until now. I am now alone, laid down on the sofa, typing on my laptop and it is calm. However, what is blocking me from recreating this stability when I am somewhere else?

I am actually recreating my habit of not leaving the writing for late in the evening - by experience, by the end of the day I will be so tired that I will easily postpone the writing for the next day, and the snowball starts its journey until I get tired of procrastinating.

The resistance to be disciplined is an good point to look at: I realise that I enjoy when the plans change and the routine is no longer a routine. However, this lack of consistency is based on an idea that I get bored with doing the same thing every day, such as writing every day. But wait a second: don't I eat every day? Don't I breathe in every moment? Don't I wake up every day?

What if my body was to make a strike and not wake up? How on earth do I want to become consistent and confident in my process if I am not recreating the consistence and confidence in me? I this also a great trap of the mind, because even though the action of writing is the same, I never write the same things and there is always an expansion within me.

The process of change is manifested in what I do - and this is why few people consider changing themselves, because that is the real process to walk - changing patterns, changing assumptions, changing schedules if needed so that my new tasks can be done.

While I am trying, my eyes are starting to shut down - the mind is striking! So what can I do to actually stand as my living awareness and continue what I  was doing?

• Becoming aware of my breath - this support me to stand here and see what I am doing;
• being assertive with the time that I have dedicated for writing;
• stopping the thoughts and imagination of the mind (daydreaming)
• Look at the big picture of what I am doing and how getting distracted in the mind does not benefit me in any way whatsoever
• Embracing what I am doing, such as writing
• Being my own example
• Expanding myself is something that is unique and I can only do it for myself

In the end, it all comes down to self-honesty and to who I am in each moment.

So:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself when I postpone my daily writing, as I notice that I am the one deceiving myself and not actually supporting me in changing my habits to become a better version of myself and in becoming organised with my own things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to admire the people that appear to be organised instead of learning with them and perhaps asking how they manage their time efficiently so that I know what changes I can adopt for myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a snowball of excuses to not write and a snowball of thoughts about what I should be doing, instead of being realistic with my time available and prioritise that which must be done.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone the things that I enjoy myself doing, instead of creating my own balance of responsibility and self-enjoyment, work and relaxing, study and play, without these being necessarily polarities but things that support me equally.

When and as I see myself getting frustrated with the fact that I am postponing and accumulating things to do in my mind, I stop, I breathe and I write down the list of things that I have in my mind to do. I commit myself to make my tasks practical according to the time available and the prioritisation of the tasks.

When and as I see myself feeling regret for not doing that which I wanted to do, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a trap of the mind because both the plan and the desire to "tick box" the plan existed only in my mind. Therefore, instead of putting me under pressure, I can help me to see what can I do in that specific moment to recreate my stability, to be flexible with me and to find a solution that will be lived for real.

When and as I see myself using people in my mind as an example of solution-makers and an example of organisation, I stop and I breathe. Instead of associating these points with these people, I can see how in this specific moment can I do that which I would associate with the other person. This way, I am learning with the other and becoming my own example.

When and as I see myself thinking/imagining that I will write at night before I go to bed, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this was the same pattern I had with praying before going to bed, when I was already so exhausted that I would fall asleep and then feel bad for not having prayed. So, I commit myself to help myself in facilitating my actions and, instead of trying to make them for the days that I didn't do, I can instead look at a solution moving forward, starting a new commitment to write at lunch time, or on the bus, or when I arrive home, or in the morning before work!

When and as I see myself falling asleep while I am writing, I stop me and I breathe. I realise that in these moments I am actually doing things in my mind, imagining what I will do next but in reality I am with my eyes closed, away from my opportunity to do things for real and to live to my utmost potential.

Daily writing is not an obligation; writing daily is like drinking water - it refreshes me, it makes things clear, it supports me without me even being completely aware of how I am fully responsible for my stability and that I am giving me the conditions to be stable inside-outside.

I have also realised that the resistance to write every day is similar to the resistance to study - it is interesting that these are two elements for self-development, self-expansion, self-change and self-creation. So, when and as I see myself being lazy with my own Life, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to do things for myself based on the realisation that I am fully responsible for my life here, for who I am, for what I allow myself to do and to not do, for supporting me unconditionally and being the example to my own self. I am the teacher and the student. I am the creator and the creation. I am the words that I write and walk. Any resistance to do that which supports me to stand stable, to expand myself and to express myself I know that is an indicator of a point to transcend. Curiously enough, I have now realised that the resistance to have fun can also exist (!) therefore this is also a point to be lived within and by me.

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