DAY 156: My relationship with myself, seen through the eyes of a bird

A new little bird joined our family a few weeks ago. This time was a female pigeon that was standing still by our doorstep and when she tried to fly she fell down on the floor. Our commitment to assist the life of our pigeon was extended to this new being that landed on our lives and we simply started doing everything in duplicate: feeding them, playing with them, putting the nappies, enjoying their company, putting them to sleep, and creating a stress-free environment for them and for us.

After two weeks, we decided to take our female pigeon to the park as we were under the impression that she wanted something else. As opposed to our male pigeon that has beenliving with us for longer, the female seemed less open to our presence, constantly screaming in fear when we approached her and enjoying being alone most of the time. She was older than when we found out first pigeon and within three days with us she could eat by herself and fly with excellent control. All of this lead us to think that  she had all the skills to expand herself out there and therefore we should re-assess what she wanted: either to stay with us or flying high out there.

Another thought that was defending this position was the fear of being judged as a bad person for keeping a wild bird at home and domesticating her. Her wild expression was so cute and genuine that I didn't want to mess with it either and I started feeling guilty for preventing her from being herself. As many of those walking the DIP Process know, all these thoughts are not actually about the other but are projections of a point that exists within me - in this case, the feeling and emotion of guilt, wanting to control what happens to another, and wanting to be perceived as a good person are all mirrors of points that I am facing within myself.

IIn this blog, I am addressing self-judgments projected toward what I believe others think of me. This is a point of assisting myself to realise that only I can take responsibility for the thoughts that exist within me, understand where they come from and decide to stop these thoughts. Curiously enough, these new thoughts and experience of self-distrust made me consider that new parents may also experience the need to make a baby feel OK and take personally when the baby cries or is unsatisfied.

In my next blog I will share the process that I have been walking in relation to the decision of letting her go.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as a bad person for keeping a wild bird indoors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment towards other people and think that they judge me for keeping a wild bird at home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to think that Duquesa (the new female pigeon) is unhappy and that she wants to leave our house because we are not good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I see her flying to the window because I think that I am failing to keep her happy and well.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take Duquesa's behaviour personally and to think that she is not OK because I am not giving her enough attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distrust my ability to know what is best for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the negative and positive mood within me depending on what Duquesa does.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I am responsible for Duquesa's instability indoors and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame me when she goes against the wall and window.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in emotion to my relationship with Duquesa based on the idea that I can't deal with female birds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect that my relationship with the new bird to be the same as I have with Marques (projection), instead of considering this new being in its uniqueness and embracing this new relationship as an opportunity to expand myself in it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire her to stay with us so that I don't feel bad about myself and I don't think that I am not a good person to her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty in case she decides to fly away and for taking her decision personally.

Self-corrective statements

When and as I see myself feeling ashamed for keeping a wild bird indoors, I stop the judgment and I breathe. This emotion of shame is a point of self-distrust towards my decision to assist the bird in her own path no matter what path is (indoors or outdoors).

I see, realise and understand that the judgment of being a bad person for keeping Duquesa inside only exists within me and that I am responsible for stopping it. I also see that the emotional reaction of pity towards her and myself only exist within me and that is clouding my ability to see the situation in common sense and what is best for her and for all.

When and as I see myself taking Duquesa's/another's attitudes personally and thinking that I am failing in being liked by another, I stop these ideas and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that the backchat about myself exists first and foremost within me and that the need for being liked is not real. I also see, realise and understand that I am basing my reactions in an idea and imagination that she doesn't want to stay with us, which is a contradiction; I see, realise and understand that through these thoughts I am actually separating myself from another being and not allowing me to be fully stable when interacting with her.

When and as I see myself reacting to her reaction against the nappy and against being indoors, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to stay stable and grounded in my relationship to Duquesa despite her reaction. I assist me by placing myself in her situation and in giving her an environment that is stress-free, stable and that accommodates her needs. As it happened when Marques, this is a new process to all of us and I can only be open to the response from her and understand that this is a moment of change to her too.

When and as I see myself thinking that I should simply open the window and put her outside, I stop and I breathe. I am aware that it is night now and that birds don't see in the dark and that such an act would not be self-responsible. I also see, realise and understand that any decision taken based on an emotional reaction does not consider what is best for all as it can only address the emotion of the mind (and a quick fix).

Therefore, I assist me in slowing the mind down and in considering solutions that address the current moment, such as going to the park in the morning and see if she wants to fly away.

When and as I see myself blaming me for killing the wild nature of a bird, I stop and I breathe. By bringing this thought to myself I see that I am feeling limited if I was kept indoors and I had wings to fly. I see that I am also projecting my fear of doing something wrong towards the bird by keeping her indoors.

When and as I see myself feeling sad by thinking that she is loosing her self-expression here with us, I stop and I breathe. I see that I am defining her self-expression as an idea of what birds should or should not do instead of seeing that a being self-expression is not something that I can take away.

When and as I see myself distrusting my ability to know what is best for another being, I stop and I breathe. I assist me in focusing on common sense and basic needs where we are equals/similar. I see that she is currently safe and restful, and that it is not my purpose to keep a bird prisoner against her will.

I commit myself to stop the ideas that another doesn't like me and that I am failing in keeping another happy. I commit myself to take responsibility for the thoughts that I allow in my mind and I assist me in recreating my self-stability and self-trust in self-honesty, and to assist me in realising that who I am is not dependent on how another responds to what I do.

I commit myself to stop the self-judgments and the shame for keeping a wild bird indoors and to stop projecting these unto what I think others think about me. I commit myself to focus on what is here, what I can do to assist another, and what is simply common sense to do such as rescuing a bird in need and addressing the situation as it evolves.

I commit myself to bring the point of judgment and of wanting to be liked by another back to myself, and I assist me in being stable in my decision, in applying myself and in standing for myself. I also commit myself to trust my decision of trying to assist this bird unconditionally without expecting to be liked, or to be approved or to be seen as better for doing it.

I commit myself to stop imposing her a path based on what happened with Marques. I assist me to be open to solutions in real-time so that I can give her what she needs to express herself and be OK.

I commit myself to recreate my relationship with Duquesa from wanting to save her to actually see her as equal to me and to always base my decision of supporting her life as I support mine.

I commit myself to look at practical solutions to apply in moments where she is agitated and flying against things. I commit myself to breathe to stabilise myself first and to not react to her agitation.

I commit myself to be patient her and with myself, and to make sure I am stable in my relationship with Duquesa, either at home or if she decides to fly away.

Recommended resources:

A Pigeon and World Peace: Conflict resolution in real-time: http://joanaslifeprocess.blogspot.com/2015/04/day-71-pigeon-and-world-peace-conflict.html

The Consciousness of the Dove: https://eqafe.com/p/the-consciousness-of-the-dove-part-1

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DAY 151: A Pigeon and World Peace: Conflict resolution in real-time

An unexpected event has been assisting me over the last week to understand two things clearer in my mind about conflict towards something or someone: firstly, that I fear that which I don't know and look for excuses in my mind to validate the fear, and secondly that the fear dissipates when I get to know the "other" side and my whole behaviour changes, from rejection to equality, empathy and compassion.

Last Friday, on his way to a meeting my husband saw a little pigeon outside the house and told me to check him out. All I could see was a dark thing that had nowhere to go and in me I saw someone that had no idea what to do. I had been given the instructions to check him out but I could not even hold him! I could not stay outside the whole day so I decided to get my thick gloves and try to hold him - one thing I was sure: under my attention he would not be caught by the cat that was already on his way. So with my super gloves I got him out of that hostile environment and brought the little one home. If initially in my mind I was the victim of such a bad luck, now I was defending him in the name of Life. There was a massive contradiction within me: if on one hand I could sympathise with his position, on the other hand my backchat was telling me that it was dangerous to have a pigeon at home. I had no clue what to do and I was shaking inside - I was with a bird that I judged as dirty, smelly, probably sick, ugly and useless. This was my mind speaking but at the same time I could not leave him outside.  After two attempts of putting him to fly outside and seeing him struggling with the cold and not being able to fly, I decided to open my harms to this new unexpected guest. I called my husband asking for help and what he said to me was crucial: "Put yourself in his place and treat him as you would like to be treated".

So how could a pigeon assist me to grasp this? Well, the details of the experience are as relevant as the realisations thereof, but the important thing here is to see that the experience of familiarity and stability in the presence of another being can happen even when initially there is resistance to accept another's existence. Sadly, this often happens only when the circumstances force us to face the inner fears and when there's no choice rather than to change in real-time, step by step.

The little one that I once thought to be dirty, smelly, probably sick, ugly and useless became my best reference point of self-change. On the second day I stopped wearing my gloves and I could feel his soft feathers for the first time, I could appreciate his smell without judging it, I could look at him as who he is - a breathing being in this world just like me. The former experience of disgust was transformed into a constant caring, attention and dedication that has gradually grown. I gave him the space to know me and he trusted walking on my hands, the same hands that have tried to put him outside twice to fly away. I then realised that his life was dependent on me to feed him and that I was not giving up on this responsibility - this decision had ripple effects and empowered me to not accept other giving-up thoughts in other areas of my life. With this we have been supporting each other, each one in his own process here.

We notice a considerable change in him, from being depressed and in a state of hopelessness, to now being curious about everything, walking around new places in the house, opening his eyes completely and being physically stronger. He can now fly higher as well (luckily we have high ceilings in the house!) and once he is able to eat by himself we will see if he is ready to fly outside.

My husband and I are fully dedicated to this mission and the young pigeon is responding well. We give him food regularly as he does not yet eat by himself, (we test different mixtures of seeds, vegetables and bread to make sure he has all the nutrients), we watch videos on youtube and read forums about pigeon-care, we took him to the vet, we do flying sessions in the living room, we walk with him around the house (he is very social and likes to be with people), we wake up earlier than usual to feed him before work, we try to do shifts of working from home so that he is not alone during the whole day, we place him in areas where he can get direct sunlight in the house, we talk to him and stroke him. Another important element is to have a stress-free environment (for him and for us!).

The timing of this experiment couldn't be better as I am currently writing my dissertation on conflict resolution and investigating the neurological and psychological mechanisms involved in the perceptions of the "we" and the "other", the fear responses, the distrust and the dehumanisation of the out-group. By bringing this point to myself, I can now see that I saw the pigeon species as less than my species, as not worthy of living in the same city or even sheltering on my roof. When I look deeper into this resistance towards pigeons I see memories that have shaped this continuous separation - the childhood memory of being in the park in Paris and getting my trousers dirty with pigeon poop; the image from the movie Mary Poppins where the bird lady is in a dark setting, surrounded by pigeons that cover her and walk on her hat; the memory of when I was maybe three years old and used to go Avenida da Liberdade in Lisbon to give bread to the pigeons and I was scared of them and also tried to scare them away. In my mind I have associated pigeons with darkness, dirt, bad smell, confusion, poverty and irritation. I had no reference of anything else but separation.

But none of that prevented me from saving this little one. Who I am now and who I want to become cannot accept such inequality anymore. Over the last week I created the opportunity to redefine my relationship towards this pigeon and pigeons in general, to move from "them" to the "we", together sharing the same roof and the air we breathe. The simplicity of this micro-experience in my life can be projected into the societal and international divisions between people that define themselves as enemies, as opposites and as a threat to one's existence. Peace and reconciliation is possible, and it starts from within by living out the words we want to see manifested in this world, such as peace, understanding, respect, growth, equality

Finally, there was also the physical aspect of the pigeon - it is apparently not as expressive as a dog or a cat and at first sight pigeons have an intimidating look. It's a human habit to judge the book by its cover and missing much of what is here in this life and world. If I had never accepted this change in me I would have never seen the delicate presence of a pigeon, the preening movements to clean his feather, his response to sounds, his begging for food, his patience, his curiosity and his every-day discoveries.

So what changed since last week? I did. He did. We got to know each other and created a mutually supportive environment, where I give him that which he is unable to provide for himself and he assists me to be present here as nature. The giving and receiving approach is a practical way of living the word Peace, as perfectly explain on the Consciousness of the Dove interview, where peace exists when I become Peace and live as it in everything I do - in this case, through treating another as I would like to be treated and in recreating supportive relationships and a new way of existing within myself, with others and with the world as a whole.



Recommended Interview: 

The Consciousness of the Dove - Part 1,2,3

What does it mean to become and live the word ‘peace’?

Why is it not enough to desire peace as a way of manifesting it?

Why is it not so much your intentions, ideas and thoughts that influence your body, but your beingness?

Why are many people not aware of their beingness?

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