DAY 148: How to stabilise myself when facing unexpected events

Today my bicycle was stolen and it took me a few hours  to stabilise myself and to focus on the things that I had planned that day and so this post is specifically to assist me in dealing with unexpected events in my reality.

When I realised that there had been a deliberate robbery, I felt an energy of anger growing within me against whoever had taken it, against society as a whole and against the economic system that promotes survival. It helped to go out and run to keep moving myself and slow down the mind. The tendency was to look at every single bicycle hoping to find mine but whenever the energetic emotion of anger and sadness came up, I stopped the thought, I breathed and reminded me that I am not defined by this situation of being a victim of theft.

This was the second time it happened, however now I have the tools to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes with such an experience. I noticed how my thoughts were being contaminated by this experience of disappointment and distrust towards society, and that my mind was projecting such emotions to other areas of my life, which was unacceptable. How can my experience of anger influence my attitude towards other things that I am doing? Why do I accept becoming the emotions and therefore believing that whatever I do will get contaminated by it? Well, in reality I now see that I am the thoughts and emotions that I accept within me. That is also why it was no surprise that suddently I was distrusting my ability to deal with other areas of my life, because my distrust towards the outer world was firstly existing inside me.

In fact, all these emotional waves are dependent on whatever I do with them - either I feed them to continue the victim personality or I let them go. Letting them go does not mean to forget them but to simply use this memory as a remembrance to learn from: for example, to be more careful when locking my bike or to consider a bike chip. Well, bicycle theft is not a good example considering that it is quite hard to prevent these: no matter how good one's lock is, in the UK a bicycle is stolen every minute and less than 5% of those are returned to their owners (Bikeoff.org). Nevertheless, preventing my emotional reaction is completely my own resonsibility.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to build up the emotion of anger within me when facing an unexpected event such as bike theft.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take this incident personally and to think that someone had done this deliberately to make me anger.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another for the anger I create/participate within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the anger and the sadness into other areas of my life and to fear that unexpected events affect other areas of my life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use this event to feed other emotions within me such as fear.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stabilise myself and to resume my plans of the day realising that thinking about what happened and trying to look for the bicycle was not going to stabilise me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of self-distrust when facing a situation of feeling distrust towards the society we live in. In this, I realise that this generalisation is not supportive and I am aware that the current system promotes such separation among the people when in fact it is not necessary nor real, as we are all one and equal.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to look at this point in common sense, do what needs to be done in terms of reporting the burglary and then continue with tasks.

When and as I see myself trying to justify the feeling of sadness within me based on the memory of today's events, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself feeling anger and feeding this feeling within me when I face an unexpected event that imply something being stolen from me, I stop the emotional build-up, I breathe and assist me to fully stabilise my presence.

When and as I see myself projecting the anger unto the people around me and unto society as a whole, I stop the thoughts and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am the only one creating this experience to myself and feeding the emotion within me. I also see, realise and understand that any scenarios/projections unto other areas of my life are not real and are unnecessary since these are images fed by emotions such as fear.

When and as I see myself going into the turmoil of emotions that are manifested in the way I start questioning everything and distrusting everyone in my reality, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself getting obecessed with the emotions and distracting myself from the other responsibilities in my day, I stop and I breathe. I assist me in learning from this experience and to use this as a remembrance to be more effective in stopping the energy within me and to allow myself to dedicate my time to my responsibilities.

When and as I see myself believing that it is OK to be emotionally overwhelmed by situations like this, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself judging the time that I am spending in dealing with this point as pointless, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am dealing with a point that is here and that this is an opportunity to re-establish my self-stability and to re-start in every breath, fresh and in complete self-will to correct myself and to give me direction.

I see, realise and understand that the time spent in the mind of emotions, thoughts and projections is time that I miss of my creation here.

I commit myself to let go of the emotion of anger as I see that it does not assist me to see the situation in common sense and in being practical about the things to do in order to deal with the events in my reality effectively and in self-support.

Reference: http://www.bikeoff.org/design_resource/ABT_problem_introduction.shtml

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DAY 140: Live events and Stopping the Fear in real-time

I manage live events as part of my daily job and I have noticed how the fear of an unexpected technical issue is terrifying. I am walking the process of stopping the fear in real-time whenever the fear possession starts manifesting in me however I realise that I haven't yet sat down and written about it to fully open the point within me,  facing them and starting my self-correction. For example, during a live event  I start imagining the various scenarios of "what can go wrong" and drifting away from myself, so I have to really push myself to ground myself and focus on that which I do have control and can guarantee that I do the best of my ability for a successful event.

As always, breathing has been my main support to slow down the mind and give me back my physical stability. Sometimes I wonder how people deal with these fears and emotions if they are not walking the Process, however I can see how I had not been aware of these for many years and that I had simply suppressed the fear, trying to replace it with some positive thoughts and praying that everything would go fine. Nowadays, I have been proving to myself that I am the one able to create my self-stability, just like I am the one responsible for creating my own reactions, fears, emotions or a stressful state of mind.

The more I feed the imagination the stronger it gets and so a firm decision is absolutely required to not go into the thoughts. Today during the live event I got scared (I scared myself) when something changed on my screen and I felt like a stone against my chest and a racing heart beat. In that moment I realised that such reaction and harm in/to my physical body is unacceptable and I slowly slowed myself, breath by breath, until my muscles relaxed again. I then felt the polarity manifesting, which was a feeling good sensation and the image of the end of the event. In that moment I wanted the time to move faster because I feared an unexpected issue to spoil the event - this fear isn't real but it assisted me in identifying my mind-patterns and walk these points in writing.

Curiously, by digging into the fear and anxiety in this example, I can identify the pattern of self-judgment emerging from it.

Why would something unexpected happen?

Who am I when something unexpected happens?

Why did I desire the time to move faster?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine that something unexpected will happen to my event. I see that these images are based on my past experiences that I am now projecting to my present reality.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think of me and define me as a victim of unexpected incidents and accidents.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire time moving faster during a live event instead of being stable and present in every single moment, during and outside work, when things are simple or when things are complex.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to realise that my time is my life and that who I am in every moment is not limited by my professional activity, quite the contrary - I realise that my daily job and any activity that I do is a moment where I am facing my mind and it is an opportunity for self-correction and to live the principles of  courage, self-trust, self-learning and self-correction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that problems only happen to me and to think that things are simpler to other people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to place a judgement of "right", "wrong", "easy", "complicated" when something happens in my reality. I realise that this emotional attachment to the things that happen to me is what I am busy with and therefore missing the step of an immediate physical self-correction. I realise that it is pointless and self-dishonest to compare my experience to others because I am only in my mind and therefore any thought about how others deal with their own mind is invalid because I am not dealing with their minds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and feed the mind-energy of anxiety in my physical body through my participation in thoughts and for passively accepting these thoughts to run inside of me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am this fear and this anxiety that manifests when something unexpected happens. I realise that the fear and the anxiety became automatic as part of my habit of living in constant fear however this is not who I am if I am to stand as Life, and as breath and as the solution to mySelf.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get distracted by the scenarios that my mind plays out and to believe that I must fight the thought or keep feeding the thought and self-sabotaging my own reality. I realise that I dont' require to think about the worse case scenario to be focused on my reality - actually, this pseudo-awareness is actually stress and it brings unnecessary consequences to my physical body which I am responsible for preventing it. I realise that in order for me to apply solutions in the physical reality I must stop the mind, breathe and restart my action in common sense, self-awareness, self-honesty, onenness and equality.

When and as I see myself creating and participating in a thought of something unexpected happening during my event, I stop the mind and I breathe. I commit myself to focus on my actions, on the practical steps that I know I must take to make sure everything goes well and I commit myself to stop any frustration when it comes to things outside of my control.

I commit myself to invest my time and my attention to the points that I am able to change and to improve, instead of defeating myself with the fear of that which I can't change or manage. In this, when and as I see myself going into the terrifying fear of some technical failure to spoil my event, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the event is an accumulation of actions that are taken in self-honesty, to do everything to my ability to complete an event flawlessly.

When and as I see myself going into memories, information about problems and the emotion of fear during a live event, I stop and I breathe. I realise that these memories, images and fears are points within me that I must forgive and let go so that a new relationship to my job and myself can develop.

When and as I see myself thinking of me as a victim of people or of situations, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-definition isn't the best for me because I am deliberately putting myself in stressful situations and in constant fear of losing my self-stability instead of creating my self-stability for myself in every moment. I realise that people or situations do not create victims and that this idea only exists within me about myself.

I commit myself to assist me in standing stable within me in every situation and with anyone, and for that, I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever my mind goes into the imagination of a crisis or problems in my reality, and to assist me in that moment to recreate my self-stability until there is no fear-energy within me.

I realise that the emotion itself does not come from the thought but comes from my belief and physical attachment to the thought or idea. Therefore, when and as I see myself limiting myself with a sudden thought that something "bad" or an accident will happen in my reality, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this thought is a projection of my own self-distrust and self-judgement and therefore I am able to correct the self-distrust and the ideas about myself.

I commit myself to change my attitude towards myself and my actions in any given moment, from self-judgement towards self-enjoyment and self-expansion in my relationship to myself.

I commit myself to become a stable being in my physical body and to not get distracted with the ideas I have created about myself in the mind.

When and as I see myself to have defined me as/believed that my self-judgements are real, I stop and I breathe. I realise that when the thought comes up I am "responsABLE" for directing the thought in a practical way, by seeing if it assists me or not, and to decide to let it go if it is not the best for me. Finally, I realise that even when some unexpected issues occur, I am capABLE of directing myself in self-stability and self-support in order to be the solution and to not become/participate in the problem.

I commit myself to use the information brought by my mind to assist me in the process of dissecting the thoughts, the fears, the personalities, the emotions and the fears, and to embrace my mind as a guide for me to walk towards self-realisation and self-corrE(A)CTION.

The more I write, the more points emerge. I can identify new dimensions as part of my daily job and I will continue walking these points and share them in blogs to come.

References:
Free Life Coaching http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Life Review - Trying to Suppress Your Mind https://eqafe.com/i/jferreira-trying-to-suppress-your-mind-life-review

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DAY 139: Swimming in emotions and how it affects my day-to-day living

- "Why wasn't I able to stop the emotions?"

- "It's not that you were not able Jo - it's simply that you didn't..." (Excerpt from a chat with Sunette)

This lake of emotions is now clear to me but the only reason I could see that I was not stable was because of the consequences of emotions in the various areas of in my life - for example, I have been reactive towards people and towards events when things don't go as planned; I have also been physically exhausted and at the same time with difficulty to sleep; my physical expression and intimacy with my partner seems to be blocked; and, ultimately, my ability to take decisions went down the drain.

Regarding the last point, I haven't allowed myself to take direction in this current of emotions. As a result, I haven't been able to stop thinking about certain points in my reality without actually deciding upon a solution - my mind is hooked in the same thoughts without any productive outcome whatsoever! Just like Anu explained in his interview "How to Make Choices", it is not possible to take a clear decision in such a cloudy emotional environment - I am literally unable to see the various options, the dimensions to consider and the solution in common sense. 

This "swimming in emotions" is indicating that I am accepting emotions inside of me for a longer period of time than is necessary without standing within a decision inside myself to direct them and instead look for practical solutions. Physically, I have been facing the consequences of the emotional energy effect on my body - not only feeling exhausted, but also had an urinary infection that required antibiotics, a couple of red spots on my face, an allergic reaction and burning sensation in my left ear (Inner Self) and some articulation blockage for a few seconds on my left index finger and on my right big toe. I thought that sports would assist me in reducing stress, however this time I was also reactive in sports and I was allowing myself to be fearful and imagining that I would hurt myself.

Mentally, I see that the more I participate in the thoughts and I believe in the thoughts and emotions to be real, the more I go into this state of directionless because all my attention and resources go into the emotion so there is no energy left for self/for my physical action and for solutions to myself. I can also see the domino effect playing out, whereby I start imagining all the other areas of my life going into chaos and failure, creating even more stress and anxiety within myself. For example, I had a problem with my internet at home and, since then, that other problems unfolded simply because I wasn't able to direct the other things as I would normally do - the reaction became a virus that I manifested whenever something didn't work. If I had not participated in the first reaction, that would have potentially worked as an example to myself to apply in the other areas of my life. Even if I had participated in the first reaction, that must not be an excuse to justify the next reactions. 

Stopping the emotions is a decision and, as with any decision, I must practice it and apply myself in every moment so that change happens.

This is my commitment as of today, this moment, now.

I am aware that the energy build-up had happened and I am still recovering from it so I must not be hard on myself in terms of trying to fight the thoughts and the emotions. As Sunette says, initially I won't be able to NOT go into thoughts and emotions AT ALL - my main focus is to when I see I am thinking too much and in a state of emotion, I take responsibility. Meaning, I write out the emotion and I forgive myself until I am stable.

Also, I must not believe that the emotions will go away by themselves because there is no magic in the process - I take self-responsibility, I face the emotion, I understand where the emotion comes from and I let it go through self-forgiveness. Sports by itself won't help unless I make sure that I create my self-stability first, which is only possible through writing because I slow my mind, I stop participating in the emotional energy and I am able to see the problem and the solution for myself. The imagination is still active in my mind and I dreamed a lot last night again, but instead of believing it to be real, I will investigate the patterns, the fears, the desires, and I let the images go.

By taking responsibility for the emotion that exists within me, I start the process of correcting myself and changing myself.

I am grateful for having the support of the Desteni buddies to assist me in my Process and in reminding me of being Assertive with myself and Standing Up for myself. The fact that we have regular chats has definitely supported me in opening up this point and understanding what was going on over the last two weeks. I will now do my "homework" and write the list of emotions I've experienced since the point opened up and do some sounding of self forgiveness until I feel stable.

More on this to come in my next blog.

Resources:

Heaven's Journey To Life

How to Make Choices - Reptilians - Part 137

What does it Mean to Stand Up - Reptilians' Support - Part 175

Life Review - Acceptance and Allowance vs. The Decision

Desteni Lite FREE course

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DAY 137: Going For It When the Mind Shouts in Fear

A moment of change can be as simple as not believing in my own fears and in moving myself physically to do something that I would not do if I was to follow the mind. This moment happened just now, when I decided to pick up Anna's cat outside - I said Yes I can go, but then in a matter of milliseconds I had these thoughts in my mind of What if I have an elevator accident, what if the cat attacks me, What if I get stuck in the elevator, What if the cat gets stuck in the elevator, What if something harmful happens. All I could see were reasons not to go out of the apartment, as if this the safety inside was real. Obviously these reasons were based on fear and not based on any common sense whatsoever. I had to stop the thoughts and assist me in remind myself that I had taken the decision to go outside, make a break, meet the cat and bring the cat home. So I got in the elevator, I kept on stopping the mind attempts to feed the fear of having an emergency, I left the elevator, I went outside and there was the cat, waiting. I stood there, no more fear was disturbing. The second part of this episode was when I realised that the cat was not coming to me. In that moment I had another assault of fear, thinking What if I get close to the cat and she attacks me, what if she runs away. So I reminded myself again to be present and to work with what was here- I sat on the floor and started to talk with her, patiently waiting for her - I decided to live the decision of bringing her home, rather than believing that this was going to be simple or difficult. I then started to slowly getting close to her while talking with her. After 5 minutes she got up and started walking in my direction. I walked next to her, very slowly so that she would not get scared and we got in the building together. The third part of this story happened at the elevator, when the two fears came together: being in the elevator with the cat - which in my mind was like Being in the elevator that can get stuck or fall, with a cat that can get really scared and attack me inside the elevator. It was as simple as getting in the elevator, going up and coming out, however I was still participating in the energy fear. For a moment I even thought that the cat would smell the fear and jump out of my arms - I mean, who would like to be in the arms of someone shaking and in fear? I breathed, I focused on holding the cat in my arms, opening the door in a very calm movement, coming out and getting home.
As soon as I got home I saw that this had been a cool moment of standing for the decision to go out. Even though I still participated in the initial hesitation during milliseconds, I walked through it for real. The fear is a sticky glue that my mind uses to keep me in a state of apparent safety, when in fact having fear itself is an indicator of self-distrust. How can I be safe outside of me when I am not safe within me, as in every decision, word or action? By accepting the fear of going out I was opening the door for the fear of dying, for the fear of harming myself, for the fear of being irresponsible with the cat and ultimately I was being irresponsible towards my own self because I did not want to change my relationship to fear.

I now see that the cat was there assisting me unconditionally; I was seeing in this projection the idea that I created about me when I am in fear. Why do I accept me to become the fear? Is the fear more than me or is it me accepting and allowing the fear to be more than me? Is the fear more than life or is it me accepting the fear to be more than life? Am I fear or am I accepting and allowing myself to be fear?

Therefore,
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become the fear of going outside of the apartment.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts in my mind and the imagination about me going out are real.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to place the fear above my own self-stability and my self-trust in creating my decisions unconditionally and within common sense. I realised that the backchat that motivated the fear was based on imagination and in "what if" scenarios that are out of my ability to direct.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of fear out of a situation where I am enjoying myself in doing something new to me such as picking up the cat outside.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind shouting is a real voice that I must listen to it. Instead, I realise that the mind is showing me the point that I must look at, the point that I am holding myself to, the fears that I am limiting myself with. Therefore, instead of getting scared with my own mind, I can work with what the mind shows me and direct me in my living application to not live out the fear. 

When and as I see myself having the mind shouting me the what if scenarios  I stop, I breathe and I look at what the mind is showing me. 
I commit myself to see for myself that I am creating the fears to myself and that I am limiting myself by believing that these scenarios will happen when in fact I am the one stopping myself in my own reality. I realise that even before I got in the elevator I was already imagining that I would not leave the elevator alive, therefore the elevator was simply a projection of my own fear of death.
I commit myself to direct myself in my own responsibility to stop the fear and the backchat of death.
When and as I see myself participating in the creation of the "what if" scenarios, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am responsible for stopping the thoughts and the fears within me, moment by moment. I realise that regardless of what happens outside of my ability to direct in the world, all that I can direct it is me and who I am in every moment of breath.
When and as I see myself sabotaging my decision of doing something new that I have no point of reference such as picking up the cat by myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the mind is showing me other reference points that work as a comfort zone because I got used to live in/as fear.
I commit myself to stop being the living manifestation of the fear of the mind.
I commit myself to stop "living" the fear of death. 
I commit myself to create my own stability by not going into fear and in trusting that my decision is the best for me in any given moment. 
I commit myself to trust myself as life in every decision I take in the physical reality instead of trusting in the thoughts of the mind.

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DAY 130: The Mirror Of the Problem: See Your World

This week I noticed a change within me while walking outside: one day I was confused and stressing out, the following day I was calm and things made sense in my mind. Still, I was walking in the same neighborhood, so what changed?

It all came down to asking me the question: what do I see around me and how is that showing me what is happening inside of me? It is all about the relationship I have with my own self. If I am disappointed about something that I did or said, I will see the disappointment in the world, the deception, the lie, the mismanagement of the system and everything seems to be too overwhelming.

It is no coincidence that the confusion within me towards the world comes up when something in my reality is not OK, meaning, it manifests when I am not stable within me. As within, so without. What I am learning from this is to not react to the thoughts I have, whether  these are the good version or the bad version of the world, and to not take these thoughts for granted. Seeing things for what they really are is the challenge ahead, with no positive or negative emotions associated. For as long as I have these feelings towards the world around me, that means that the same feelings and judgments that exist towards who I am and what I do, and I will always be trapped in the bipolarisation of who I am and the world.

Within this,

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of excitement and achievement when I looked at the world around me and thought that things were apparently working fine.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of despair and disappointment when I looked at the world around me and thought that everything was in decadence and a mess.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take my thoughts personally without questioning me where these thoughts come from, how have I created them and what is the bottom line underneath such judgments towards the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into this never-ending mental judgment about the world around me without considering giving me the opportunity to stop the thoughts and look at myself, investigate each judgment within me, deconstruct the emotional attachment that is reflected in the world around me and to be open to discover the judgments that I hold myself to.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the thoughts I have towards the world, which can be done if I slow down the thoughts, I breathe and I give me the opportunity to see the thoughts I am deliberately creating.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that both the positive and the negative judgment towards the world come from within me and that any reaction that is manifested already existed within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to keep the memory of the good feeling/sensation when I looked at the world and things were working fine. I realise that such memory is an illusion and that if everything was actually perfectly well in the world, that would be consistent everywhere and in every moment - the reality in the world shows me that this is not a fact yet. The reality is still far from such a secure and safe place for everyone in every moment.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of despair and stress towards the world I live in and to allow myself to get possessed by these feelings that lead me to the belief that I am powerless and that I cannot change the world around me from which I am part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless to change who I am within me, the relationship I have with myself and the relationship I have with the world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react in blame towards the people in the world when I see that things are not OK, while other times I react in gratefulness for their existence in well functioning world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate me from the other people, which is an indicator of me separating from the world and therefore from myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the memory of the positive experience when looking at the world around me, which I realise it is about avoiding facing the negative polarity and not wanting to fix the cause of such bipolar relationship towards the world. I realise that the cause of such mirror is me - I am the constant element in the equation and therefore whatever I see around me is a mirror of what is going on in my mind. Therefore, I can take each and every opportunity of walking on this earth to find out who I have become and what requires to be adjusted within me in order to become a stable being, as within so without.

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DAY 121: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way?

The following points opened up after writing and re-reading the previous post: "DAY 40: From attention seeker to self-expression". 

When and as I see myself judging what I say based on the idea that the other person is judging me as an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. This "attention-seeking" definition reminds me when as a kid I started to show what I could do, but I realise that I was actually taking the other person's comment of "here you are showing off" as an attack against myself! Instead of taking the thought or even the comment personally, I commit myself to look within me at the starting point for me to share myself or share a story or show something to another.

I now see and I start realising that this judgment of being an attention-seeker is in itself a limitation, because I am "killing" my self-expression or any potential for expansion or realisation in that moment while I am communicating with another. Therefore, when and as I see myself going into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker or showing-off, I stop , I breathe and I check within me what is the starting point of what I am saying or doing. Instead of going immediately into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker, I accept and allow myself to correct my starting point and to stand in self-honesty, in self-support, equal and one with the other that is listening me and speaking to me.

When and as I see myself defining me as something that is clearly creating limitation in my reality and in my relationship to what I do and to other people, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself to realise that the self-definition became my acceptances and allowances, but that this is not unchangeable! I realise that the comfort and the perceived stability that the self-judgment brings is not real but I haven't allowed myself to be or do something differently.

I realise that, just like this world system, I got used to certain rules and beliefs because I never heard or saw something different, but that does not mean that the way things are is the best way (it clearly isn't, based on the inequality and lack of common sense that exists in this world system). The same applies to my process: if I see that the self-definitions, the self-judgments and the fears are limiting me, why would I continue attached to it? Why do I fear to step forward and walk in self-initiative to change my own relation to myself?

When and as I see myself judging the way I communicate and the way I express myself as seeking for attention, I stop and I breathe. In this moment, I can ask myself: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way? Am I being unconditional in my expression with another or am I waiting to have something back, either a comment or a look of acceptance? I realise that who I am with others must be one and equal to who I am within me, based on the same principles, motivation and self-correction.

When and as I see myself suppressing my expression, my voice and my movement based on the thought that someone is watching me and judging  me, I stop and I breathe. I assist and support myself to see that the judgment already existed within me and that I am accessing  a mind-system through another, in a projection of my own mind. In this, I commit myself to stop the thought that I am being judged by another and I bring this point to myself to see how I am judging my own body movement, voice and actions.

When and as I see myself judging my voice, my behavior and even my clothes as childish, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a self-definition that I have believed myself to be but that I never took responsibility for stopping the judgment and actually enjoy myself and express myself in absolute stability and self-confidence.

When and as I see myself wanting a response from my reality to accept that which I am doing or saying, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my reality is a mirror of what's happening inside me, therefore whatever response I am looking for outside me is that which I am not giving to myself yet. On the other hand, when and as I see myself thinking that I am being an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. I assist myself to investigate the factor behind wanting to get specific people's attention, which I see to be related to the resistance to stand firm by myself unconditionally and regardless of what others say  or do.

I commit myself to practice my stability in my communication, by slowing down and by stopping the mind in the moment. Through this, I assist and support myself to see what I am believing and defining myself to be, why I am defining as it, how I am limiting my decisions, my options and my existence Here.

I realise that if I don't stand for and by myself my expression will be reduced to my mind (world mind) of accepted and allowed do's don'ts, self-judgments and self-limitations.

I will continue investigating and writing about this point.

Artwork: "CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable

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DAY 118: I Wake Up For and By Myself

So far I have been waiting for something or someone to wake me up, being it an alarm-clock, my mum, my husband, a near-death experience, a career, a trip, a motivation, a challenge... Always considering that something externally would make me jump out of the bed but never allowing myself to make the decision of waking up because I am Here.

I am grateful for having listened to the Eqafe series Murdered Death Research today to have a perspective on what it means to stand as the living word for oneself, because one is Life and must stand as it, not less. Today I stood less than who I am in the moment I broke my agreement of waking up in the morning. This was no coincidence and many points came up when I looked at the timeline of me staying in bed in the morning, the stress I created to myself, the excuses, the pattern of blaming another, the self-definition of not being punctual and the memories of my childhood.

When I finished forgiving myself in writing on my train journey to work, I realised that I was allowing myself to restart my day - I had dealt with my mind in that moment and I was calm.

Just before I go to sleep tonight, I am going to write my self-corrective statements and lay down my guidelines to support my practical self-correction in the morning.

When and as I see myself thinking to myself that I will stay just a little bit more in bed after the first alarm, I stop and I breathe. I realise that a distraction of a few seconds can compromise my whole decision of waking up at a certain time and I realise that the time I have defined to wake up is the best for me to do everything that I need to do in the morning without any rush.

I realise that by standing up in bed in the moment I hear my alarm is me living my decision of supporting myself to wake up and standing up as my decision.

When and as I see myself wanting to stay in bed as a warm refugee to avoid facing the cold in the morning, the commute journey and the daily responsibilities, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these thoughts are not real because when I am actually doing these things I can enjoy myself and every moment is an opportunity to recreate my stability in everything I do. I realise that no matter what I do it is always me in my living expression, in expanding myself and in recreating myself out of the mind of assumptions, of boredom and of comparison.

When and as I see myself participating in the evening backchat that I am not going to wake up so early, I stop the thought and I breathe. I realise that I am sabotaging my decision even before I have the opportunity to dedicate myself to test my decision. I commit myself to be fully aware of myself at the time I setup my alarm clock and I commit myself to be realistic in relation to the time that I give to myself to rest and to do the morning tasks.

I realise that the morning rush of being late is a form of mind-energy that creates a sense of a mission to accomplish but in fact it creates instability, survival and does not imply perfecting myself.

I realise that not waking up in self-direction in the morning creates consequence in my Process, as I am giving up on my responsibility to be Here in self-awareness and in being my directive principle for what is best for me. Therefore,

I commit myself to practice my trustworthiness in every morning by waking up and getting up when I listen to the alarm that I have set to a specific time.

I commit myself to dress something warm in the morning when I leave bed to make sure that I recreate my physical comfort everywhere I go and in everything I do. I realise that wanting to stay in bed daydreaming is a time-waste and therefore I commit myself to be aware of my responsibility to be and express myself here as Life and to grow and expand as Life. Staying in bed after I had slept the amount of hours that my body needs to rest is an indicator that I am not living my self-direction and that I am still giving in to the mind-energy of dreams, memories and habits of apparent comfort.

I assist and support myself to recreate my mornings for it to be a time of self-care and a living decision of how I want to direct my life. I realise that waking up in stress and rush is an experience that I created to myself but that I can change such experience in common sense and in finding a practical solution to recreate my stability from the moment I wake up.

I commit myself to continue writing on this resistance to wake up and investigate all the memories, definitions, fears and emotions attached to this point and I commit myself to continue on practicing my application in which every morning is an opportunity to change my relationship to waking up.

I commit myself to realise that I wake up by myself and I stand for myself because I am Here and it is my right to stand as Life, in self-awareness, in self-creation and in self-direction.

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DAY 106: I end up never doing what I have planned to do

There has been this constant backchat of self-defeat: "I can never do what I have planned to do", based on the assumption that time is too short for my things - is time too short or am I exhausting it with many plans and little action? If I spend time in the mind in thinking what I will do, I am already creating the experience of not corresponding to the mind, because real things take real time. It is supportive to take notes of tasks to do but more than that is daydreaming - I am more productive if I start the actions, rather than thinking about it.

The things that I have not been doing include my self-writing and studying.

Writing every day is time that I give back to myself and it is fair that, if during the day I am giving my time/attention to others, I should equally dedicate time for myself. I am aware of this unbalance whereby I tend to give to others that which I am not giving to myself. - How can I be stable with another if I am not being stable within? How can I be assertive with others when I am not being assertive with me? How can I be supportive to others if I am not supporting me first?

This week I have also realised how I tend to admire people that appear to be very organised and that appear to have time to do everything they want to do. If there is admiration, this is an indicator of a point that I perceive myself to be lacking and therefore I get entertained with the desire instead of learning with another and applying that in my own life.

Now I see that the desire to have free time is the desire to entertain myself, to be passive, to do nothing, so why do I want to have free time if I am not being assertive with the time I have? If I had free time, would I stop to write and study? Probably not. So my starting point hasn't been to manage my time for my commitments but to continue the patterns of the mind, under the excuse that I don't have time for everything. Finally, when the free time comes, I spend it with entertainment because it is a reward for my hard work of not doing what I really want!

The resistance to study is bi-polar: there is an initial thought of "this is too much for me" but when I transcend this barrier and I start, I really enjoy it and realise that I can do it. Indeed, I have all the tools to educate myself and to expand myself in the field that I am studying. When I am studying, other dimensions within my process become more clear as I read new authors and new perspectives on social/world issues. 

The same applies to the Desteni courses: an initial resistance to start writing - "it will take me ages to walk these points", but when I start the exercises, I bring my stability back and I realise how grateful I am for opening up these points within me. Each exercise allows me to work on new points that otherwise I would take much longer to face them.

So, where do I start? With myself and my commitments as my self-direction. Today I am re-starting my commitment to study for 21 days in order to break the habit of procrastinating, which include studying for my MA and the Desteni I Process. I will share with you how my daily application has changed based on my prioritisation and which resistances I face when trying to change my mind-patterns.

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DAY 98: Facing a scene of violence & Facing my own fears

Very recently I came across a scene of violence in the middle of the street when a few guys started to kick another guy that ended laid down on the pavement. I was caught by surprise and reacted in fear inside of me, uncertain of whether I should stay still or run away from that place. The fear of the escalation of violence was a mix of insecurity and anticipation. I also noticed an "instinct" to get involved to stop the fight and help the guy that was a minority in the conflict, but in common sense I knew that I should not fuel the conflict even more (and it could be dangerous because I had no idea of these guys were armed). Some people from the "audience" started to defend the victim under attack and the fight ended with the guys running away up the road. I don't know where the fight started or who was to blame but nothing should justify such primitive actions between human beings.

Within me there was still nervousness and anxiety, fearing that new fights could arise and that I could be hit accidentally by them. I can take this opportunity to walk the fear of violence, my memories behind it,  the ideas that I created in my mind and all the layers that constitute this fear within me. The physical instability from this event is an indicator that I must deal with these points within me in order to recreate my inner-stability unconditionally. My relationship of fear towards violence is made of various components such as the reactions, the verbal violence, the projections, the images of violence, the origins of such images and the fears of the mind associated to violence. This is what I am going to walk and share on my blog.

Self-forgiveness on the Energetic-fear of violence:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility to stand here and stable as breath when I saw the group of youngsters passing by me at night.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that/judge groups of young people as potential attackers just because of my experience earlier with the fight.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become/feel powerless when I am alone and I see males or groups of males walking on the street.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me/women as victims of male violence, physical strength and control.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project such images of violence (including the images from the movies/TV) unto my daily life, having an unequal starting point of believing that females are incapable of defending themselves. Within this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have ever considered physical violence as a solution to any problem or conflict, as I realise that no real understanding, no real communication, no understanding and no real change can come up out of violence, only more fear, physical instability and separation.

In my next blog I will walk the self-corrective statements and support myself in becoming more aware of such points/energetic fears when these pop up in my reality.

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