DAY 119: Self-Forgiveness on Staying in bed

Despite my recent written commitment to wake up for and by myself, I stayed in bed today - this was a deliberate self-dishonesty because even if I felt physically tired I could have simply started the day slowly, but awake. Instead, I pressed snooze on my phone and let it stay in this mode for about one hour. The consequence was the rush and pressure that I put on myself since I had an appointment later in the morning.

It was cool to be aware of the reactions within me and to do my best in being efficient with the short time I had, however, I know that I can recreate a better reality for myself, stress-free.

The main point to look at was the deliberate sabotage that I went through in the morning: I was aware of my commitment but I did not apply my self-will. Therefore I will continue forgiving myself until I am clear on this point, I test it and I change:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this internal fight between wanting to stay in the comfort of my bed and wanting to live my commitment of waking up in self-direction. I realise that if I created this fight I am the one able to fix it. In self-honesty I see that my lack of self-direction to wake up was based on the excuse that it is Saturday and that I "can" stay in bed because apparently there is no work responsibility of waking up at a certain time. It is exactly in this moment that I see if my commitment is real and if it is unconditional. Therefore, 

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to live my commitment of waking up once my alarm rings everyday, including weekends. I have been realising that 7 hours of sleep is currently the number of hours that my body requires to rest and that after this time I am recharging my mind because I am feeding the fight of waking up VS staying in bed that I created to myself in first place. I also realise that regardless of the number of hours of sleep, the moment I wake up must be unconditional, breathe by breathe, in one decision - my self-direction and self-commitment are unconditional. 

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to create rush in my own self/body and put pressure on my body to move fast because I have limited the time available for my actions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separated from my decision to wake up at a certain time. This conflict within me reminds me the arguments I had (and still have) with my mum because I wanted to wake up early but my mum would insist that I needed to sleep more.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I must stay in bed a little bit longer because I went to bed late the night before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired during the day if I wake up early in the morning. In this, I see that if I get tired I can rest or stop for a moment since it is the weekend, however based on my experience once I wake up I am able to stay awake for many hours in a row.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thinking about excuses for me to stay in bed instead of moving myself physically to transcend the resistance to direct myself. I realise that if I move myself physically and if I am aware of my breath I will not give in to the energy/thoughts of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own indiscipline in relation to my commitments - I realise that I don't take my commitments seriously.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my commitment of waking up in the morning as I had planned the night before.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stick with my plan and to have accepted to go into a "workaround" justifying why I changed the plan and stayed in bed. I realise that I can make my reality easier if I trust myself and if I live the agreement I did with myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think "I can stay in bed a little bit longer because I can get dressed and ready in a rush", without seeing, realising and understanding that I am creating my own experience of rush/stress instead of standing as an example of commitment, dedication and stability towards myself/my actions.

In addition to the self-corrective statements written yesterday:

I commit myself to stick to common sense: if I decide something in the evening but in the morning I don't stick with the plan, in common sense I see that the problem is not the plan but my attitude towards it that has changed based on how I feel in the morning. In this, I am aware that feelings are not real because they change from night to day and feelings are not trustworthy. I also see that this is a mind-pattern of wanting to give up on my own decision and to take the easy way which is to leave the habits as they are, instead of moving myself through the resistance and rediscover me in my decision to wake up in self-direction, for and by myself, and start the day stable within me, giving me time to write and eat in the morning for example. 

I realise that by sticking to my agreement of waking up early at the time I have set to be the best for me I am re-establishing my relationship to all my tasks and commitments throughout the day, not accepting less than what I am able of doing with the time I have.

While writing the self-forgiveness I had this memory of a story that I read in the primary school about this child that was describing her morning and it consisted of waking up, getting dressed, having breakfast, doing the homework and then leaving to school. It was quite shocking for me to think of having time in the morning to sit down to do my homework, since my mornings were always stressful: looking at the clock, eating quickly (later in secondary school skipped the early breakfast), dressing on my way to the door and leaving to take a ride from my dad or a friend. My day has always started in a state of rush that I learned how to cope with so that I could be stable in the classroom and "forget" the morning run. It is funny that I am "haunted" by these memories and I notice physical reactions in my body while writing these words. Tomorrow I  will do the exercise recommended in the Journey Into the Afterlife and I  will focus on How I am experiencing myself in the moment I wake up and check what is the emotion associated and continue investigating this personality system.

Illustration: http://www.realbeauty.com/health/wellness/get-some-get-up-and-go#slide-1

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DAY 118: I Wake Up For and By Myself

So far I have been waiting for something or someone to wake me up, being it an alarm-clock, my mum, my husband, a near-death experience, a career, a trip, a motivation, a challenge... Always considering that something externally would make me jump out of the bed but never allowing myself to make the decision of waking up because I am Here.

I am grateful for having listened to the Eqafe series Murdered Death Research today to have a perspective on what it means to stand as the living word for oneself, because one is Life and must stand as it, not less. Today I stood less than who I am in the moment I broke my agreement of waking up in the morning. This was no coincidence and many points came up when I looked at the timeline of me staying in bed in the morning, the stress I created to myself, the excuses, the pattern of blaming another, the self-definition of not being punctual and the memories of my childhood.

When I finished forgiving myself in writing on my train journey to work, I realised that I was allowing myself to restart my day - I had dealt with my mind in that moment and I was calm.

Just before I go to sleep tonight, I am going to write my self-corrective statements and lay down my guidelines to support my practical self-correction in the morning.

When and as I see myself thinking to myself that I will stay just a little bit more in bed after the first alarm, I stop and I breathe. I realise that a distraction of a few seconds can compromise my whole decision of waking up at a certain time and I realise that the time I have defined to wake up is the best for me to do everything that I need to do in the morning without any rush.

I realise that by standing up in bed in the moment I hear my alarm is me living my decision of supporting myself to wake up and standing up as my decision.

When and as I see myself wanting to stay in bed as a warm refugee to avoid facing the cold in the morning, the commute journey and the daily responsibilities, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these thoughts are not real because when I am actually doing these things I can enjoy myself and every moment is an opportunity to recreate my stability in everything I do. I realise that no matter what I do it is always me in my living expression, in expanding myself and in recreating myself out of the mind of assumptions, of boredom and of comparison.

When and as I see myself participating in the evening backchat that I am not going to wake up so early, I stop the thought and I breathe. I realise that I am sabotaging my decision even before I have the opportunity to dedicate myself to test my decision. I commit myself to be fully aware of myself at the time I setup my alarm clock and I commit myself to be realistic in relation to the time that I give to myself to rest and to do the morning tasks.

I realise that the morning rush of being late is a form of mind-energy that creates a sense of a mission to accomplish but in fact it creates instability, survival and does not imply perfecting myself.

I realise that not waking up in self-direction in the morning creates consequence in my Process, as I am giving up on my responsibility to be Here in self-awareness and in being my directive principle for what is best for me. Therefore,

I commit myself to practice my trustworthiness in every morning by waking up and getting up when I listen to the alarm that I have set to a specific time.

I commit myself to dress something warm in the morning when I leave bed to make sure that I recreate my physical comfort everywhere I go and in everything I do. I realise that wanting to stay in bed daydreaming is a time-waste and therefore I commit myself to be aware of my responsibility to be and express myself here as Life and to grow and expand as Life. Staying in bed after I had slept the amount of hours that my body needs to rest is an indicator that I am not living my self-direction and that I am still giving in to the mind-energy of dreams, memories and habits of apparent comfort.

I assist and support myself to recreate my mornings for it to be a time of self-care and a living decision of how I want to direct my life. I realise that waking up in stress and rush is an experience that I created to myself but that I can change such experience in common sense and in finding a practical solution to recreate my stability from the moment I wake up.

I commit myself to continue writing on this resistance to wake up and investigate all the memories, definitions, fears and emotions attached to this point and I commit myself to continue on practicing my application in which every morning is an opportunity to change my relationship to waking up.

I commit myself to realise that I wake up by myself and I stand for myself because I am Here and it is my right to stand as Life, in self-awareness, in self-creation and in self-direction.

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DAY 116: Self-Correction on the fear of a car accident with friends

I am now sharing my Self-corrective statements in relation to the projection of accidents based on the memory of a loss of a friend in a car accident during my childhood. The previous two posts DAY 34: Haunted by Memories and DAY 35: Self-forgiveness on the memory of a friend's death give the context of the memory, the thoughts and the Self-forgiveness on facing the fear.

Continuation...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hesitate stopping the fears just because the fear energy became a comfort zone in me, like a refugee of my mind that keeps me in the loop of the known memories and known fears.

Self-corrective statements:

I realise that looking for refugee in the comfort of fears is a time loop that keeps me in the trap of accumulating and believing in my own fears, which are limiting myself in my expression and self-expansion. I commit myself to embrace the responsibility of taking care of myself Here and Now, supporting myself to stop the mind and changing/correcting me for a stable version of myself.

When and as I see myself going into the memories of car accidents when I am in a car with friends, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself creating instability within me related to the emotion of fear whenever I access a memory/idea/projection of a car accident, I stop and I breathe. I realise that fear does not protect me  nor avoids accidents from happening.

When and as I see myself using memories to justify the fear energy, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to look at the emotions attached to the memory and to forgive them.

I realise that the memory can be supportive to show me my mind and the points that I am holding on to, instead of transcending it and move on.

When and as I see myself thinking of me as a victim in the car just like my friend was a victim in the accident, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to stop comparing me to other people's lives and to stop using other people's experiences to determine my choices. I realise that by projecting other people's experiences in my own life is a way of disrespecting myself here and now, it is self-dishonest and it is pointless.  

I realise that my mind is not to be trusted but my self-forgiveness is to be trusted and lived.

When and as I see myself taking the fear-energy related to this memory as personal, I stop and I breathe. I realise I don't have to participate in the fear nor in the thoughts of the mind  because the starting point is still of fear that something bad happens to me which is already a self-sabotage. I realise that seeing how my mind works and how the energy works supports me to direct myself in investigating the point to understand where the fear comes from.

When and as I see myself using a memory of fear to limit my expression when doing something new (e.g. going in a car with friends) I stop the fear and I breathe until I am stable. I realise that in order to assess the point I must not be influenced by memories. What I can do is to check if everything is ok in the car, practically, even communicating any concern with the driver but doing it so from a common sense starting point without projections nor imagination.

I realise that living in fear is not living and that I can only fully live without fear.

When and as I see myself imagining accidents on the road in front of me and imagining that I could have prevented by speaking it up, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the desire to be seen as a hero in an accident is the positive polarity of the self-victimisation in the mind and that none of it is real. I commit myself to direct myself in moments when memories seem to drive and to take the responsibility to lead my correction application through stopping the thoughts/images of the mind and to be present in my actions to guarantee that I am aware of myself and stABLE to live me here.

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DAY 112: My Pre-programmed fears and other person's fears

Recently I was having a conversation with someone very close to me and I said that I was taking care of the horses, which is something new to me and to the other person. I was enthusiastic about fetching the horses, walking next to them, giving them a carrot, checking ticks, preparing their bed, water and food. I noticed that even though the other was glad to hear the cool things I have been doing, there was preoccupation and one thing that the person said to me was "don't forget the horses also bite". In that moment I went into a small reaction of "hey, don't worry, they are ok. You don't have to think about that". Within me, however, I was angry because I thought that the other was passing me a new fear for me to deal with. So my starting point was to actually accept the words as an image of me being bitten and therefore the fear got accepted within me. This was so quick that I did not even questioned myself, until I spoke about this with a Destonian, also walking the Journey to Life Process. Through our conversation I realised that the other did not necessarily pass me the fear - I was the one not directing the information I was receiving.

I can now see that the relationship that I have with the person that is close to me has been one of "father and daughter", meaning, I hear the other and most of the times I don't question that information because I believe that it is for my own good that I should keep it and use it as a protection. This is obviously not a learning process but more like a survival toolkit of advices that I should keep. At the same time, there is a belief that if I don't hear to this person, something bad will happen exactly because I did not consider those fears. But who said that the fears protect me? The fears limit me from doing certain things and that does not mean that I am not harming myself already - the stress that the fears energy produce, the constant survival mode, the images that I create based on these ideas do create consequence in my reality, inside my physical body and externally by being unaware of myself here.

So why couldn't I direct another person's comment about the horses? I simply did not consider this to be possible because so far I have been accumulating information as fears: mines (pre-programmed fears) and from others. Both types are part of my process - the process within myself/mind and the interrelational process. The latter is based on my relationship to others and how I direct myself in those circumstances. I realise that when I am having a conversation with another I am as responsible for the words I speak as for the words I listen - meaning, if another tells me about their ideas about what horses do, I am responsible for dealing with any reaction that come up within me and to direct the information. If I see that I am starting to create a fear based on the other's experience, I am responsible for stopping and not accepting nor allowing the fear within me. I can stand stable within me, look at that fear and decide within me that this fear is unacceptable and that I do not allow that fear in/as me. I can also forgive the emotional reaction and forgive any visualisation that I have created based on the persons comments.

In addition to this, I can share with another my experience with the horses and show to the other that his idea about the horses is limited to his experience or knowledge but that from my physical reality with dealing with the horses they have not bitten and will not necessarily going to bite me. There are so many variables for an animal to potentially harm a person that the fear will do nothing but to create separation, first within me (by existing in a fear dimension) and then towards the horse (separated from my awareness in this physical reality).

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept the fear that someone tells me (e.g the fear of being bitten by a horse) when in fact this fear is simply information that I have accepted and allowed to become part of my fears list, instead of taking responsibility for my acceptances and allowances on first place.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to breathe and consider that the fear that I am listening from another does not correspond to my real experience with the horses and therefore I forgive myself for adopting another's fear as mine.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to disregard my reality of dealing with the horses without any bites but instead accept the fear of another's reality that is not dealing with the horses whatsoever.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that fears are real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears "taught" by parents are true based on the belief that, if I don't hear them, something bad is going to happen and they will tell me: "see, I told you that it could happen".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to "convert" the information I hear from another person into a fear, instead cross-referencing that information with my reality and not accepting it to become a fear within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless towards the fear when in fact the fear is an acceptance that I am responsible for.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept the fear of being bitten by a horse to be something that will happen to me, when in fact a fear is an idea in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to use the fears as a certainty of what could happen (predicting the future based on the fears knowledge existing in my mind) instead having my presence in real time as my reference for self-creation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed fears to take over me, meaning, to consume my self-expression and liveliness in the moment.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for directing the information received from another and realising that the fear is unacceptable to exist in first place and to control who I am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that fears are real simply because the fears are based on a memory which in my mind is so clear that I project unto my reality. In this case, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accept another's comment about the horses as a prediction of what will happen just because that same person once told about a cat that attacked my aunt. I realise that in my mind I associated this memory of a cat attacking my aunt and projected as the idea of a horse biting me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's comments and limit my action by fearing to be close to the horses.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am bitten that is a punishment because I should have listened to the person's fear. Here I realise that the idea of the horse biting me is a form of control in my mind and that I also use the idea that the other person will be disappointed at me as an excuse to not stop the fear.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself listening to another and realising that a fear is starting to build up within my chest (which starts to feel tightened), I stop, I breathe and I decide within myself that the fear (e.g. being bitten by a horse) is unacceptable to exist within me and to control my reality.

Instead of reacting towards another person's words, I direct it as what it is and I take responsibility for any reaction or fear that come up and I forgive myself for creating instability within me.

I realise that I am responsible for every single acceptance and allowance within myself, which includes all the fears' list that I have defined me as. I also realise that I have created myself based on these beliefs and ideas about me which is not supportive.

I realise that I am responsible for creating my stability which comes from standing stable as my breath, understand where the fears come from and become the solution/support to myself.

When and as I see myself accepting another person's fear as mine, I stop and I breathe. I take this opportunity to check if that fear already exists within me and I commit myself to forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear within me. I check what is the memory that the fear brings and within the memory check what is the emotional reaction associated to it. I commit myself to forgive all these emotions that I have attached to myself and to my physical body.

I realise that I am walking the process of understanding and becoming aware of my pre-programmed fears, why they exist, how these fears are limiting me and then taking responsibility for forgiving myself for this self-destruction. At the same time, by interacting with other people, I am walking the process of dealing with a fear that was projected from another that it might not have existed within me before. In these cases I can simply decide not accept the fears in my reality, breathe through it, stand stable and let it go.

I realise that by accepting the fear I am accepting limiting my reality because I am not directing me in self-awareness but rather directing me based on fears and therefore creating excuses and blocking options in my reality to avoid the fears that I have created in first place.

When communicating with another, I commit myself to stand one and equal to the other person and to share my experience in relation to that point (e.g. taking care of the horses) so that the other may also see that the horses don't have to necessarily bite. I realise that this is possible once I have stopped the fear from getting "installed" within me, by having said within me that the fear is unacceptable and by allowing myself to stand stable as the words I hear and the words I speak.

I commit myself to be an active listener instead of a passive one, and to bring other points into the conversation through sharing myself one and equal to another, without wanting to change the other but to simply look at other points that may have not been considered.

I realise that if my fears are based on a memory and on an emotional reaction associated to it, by opening the point within me, I am actually facing the fear in real-time and is an opportunity to stop accepting that fear-memory-emotion to control my reality.

When and as I see myself visualising the fear based on what the person is talking about, I stop and I breathe. I bring that fear into me, I check the reaction in my chest and I say/decide within myself that this fear is unacceptable. I realise that I don't have to have a reason to have such a fear because I am committed to support myself by being aware of my reality. By being aware of my reality I can be cautious in case I see that the horse starts to be violent. Contrarily, fears create a separate reality in my mind that limits my actions, my expression and my awareness.

When and as I see myself blaming another for passing me their fears, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am the one responsible for my acceptances and allowances and that regardless where the fear comes from (pre-programmed or from my external reality) I am the one to direct what is happening within me. I also realise that by directing it I am able to change my relationship to the fear, forgive the energy-emotion associated to the fear, forgive the memory associations and stand stable within me.

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DAY 111: Learning how to walk

Many of you may relate this expression with the Process we are walking with the DesteniiProcess of facing our minds and changing practically to become the best we can be. However, this time I am literally referring to learning how to physically walk with my feet on the ground. Let me explain: I have been noticing the formation of callosities on my feet on the external side, in the centre of the soles next to the toes and on my ankles but I always thought this was normal due to the commute walking, my shoes at work or simply because many people happen to have it. I also thought that the only way to fix this was by going to the pedicure and removing the callosities every now and then.

As always, mind assumptions should not be followed but simply investigated.

Here at the Desteni farm I was made aware that the callosities don't have to exist. So why on Earth do I have this dead hard skin on these parts of my feet? It was actually the specific location of the callosities that allowed us to find the root of the problem: in essence, the way I have been walking all my life can be traced by these formations, meaning, the dry skin on my ankle show the way I place my feet on the ground, secondly the lateral callosity is where I place the external side of the foot and lastly, the callosity next to my toes in the centre is where I find balance. The fact that I don't place my whole foot on the floor using my ankle, then my whole sole and finally my toes to distribute the weight has been creating these callosities as a consequence. Just like with all my body, I have been shaping it throughout my life and now these callosities are a reference in my process and that I can check to correct my walking pattern. It is "funny" (or actually scary!) that I never noticed  how I was walking with the side of my feet, in a slight unbalance. Since the body needs to find a way to compensate such position, the callosities are formed, working like a "natural" protection of the skin because the normal muscles of the sole and the toes are not in use. In addition to this, later in life other parts of the body would probably be affected and deformed, such as the hips.

How to correct this tendency? Since last week I have been learning and practicing a new way of walking, which should be the "normal" way: first placing the ankle, then the whole sole of the feet and finally the toes, giving me balance and impulse in each step; my hips are stable because I apply strength on my belly muscles; my back, my neck and head are straight, as if I an invisible string is pulling me from the sky; I focus on my breathing and I have my arms relaxed on the sides. I have been walking barefoot to feel the whole feet and this is very supportive to stand one and equal with the ground/the grass/the Earth.

I recommend everyone to double check their walking pattern. It has been an amazing challenge to change this habit and the physical correction has been very revealing: each step is a firm movement within me supporting my process of self-confidence; walking with my neck and head straight allows me to see things at a constant level; using the toes properly allows me to walk faster; being aware of my breath supports my awareness in what I do and where I am.

It is no coincidence that the word "callousness" means indifference, emotionally frigid; apathetic. This describes well the relationship I have been having with my own walking, unaware of my own body movement, doing it automatically as a robot for so many years and affecting my posture, my attention to my reality and my own direction. So the DesteniiProcess is indeed the best gift I can give to myself, along with the amazing Eqafe support that I am eternally grateful for. All of these materials and sharings have great impact in my whole life, through discovering who I have become and learning how to recreate myself, through self-forgiveness, physical correction, self-care, self-expression and in changing my relationships to myself and others.

 

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DAY 101: My own entertainment - The addiction to the energy of the mind

Today I finally saw something that has been disregarded in a very naive way lol. You know when something is always there but you have never noticed? Well, this is what has been happening as my blindness towards the mind, and more specifically, the way I have been feeding the mind ALL THE TIME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. How? Through the energy in the form of emotions, of anxiety, of fear, of distrust, of feelings, of love, of sadness, of despair, of desire, of hope, of regret, of impatience, of anticipation, of expectations, of blame, of guilt, of jealousy, of reaction, of comparison, of anger, of hate, of imagination, of exhaustion, of positive, of negative, of happiness, of judgement, of distraction.

So, yesterday I was almost blaming the TV series for my entertainment but today I see what is really happening: the real entertainment happens inside me in my relationship with my own mind and the addiction to the energy generated by and for the mind. This self-slavery is the ultimate self-deception and this realisation is just the beginning of the process that I am walking. I am, for the first time, aware that all these emotions and energetic feelings don't need to exist - or should I say, I live without such energetic emotions. The same way I see that I should be able to watch any series, speak with another, do anything without any energetic movement within me. Only breath remains.

This realization came actually from a combination of factors, namely the understanding from the Eqafe interview on Impatience and my experience tonight after watching the last episode of a TV series. I noticed an anxiety within me by knowing that I was going to watch the last episode: my mind was going to lose its daily meal of emotional attachment! When the episode came to an end I thought "Is this it"? And I saw that the energy was not real because it was not here anymore - I am still here, the energy is not. The mind is still here and I can see it more clearly when I get distracted from my writing for example. It is like a shadow that watches everything that I do. This must not be a big surprise: I know the mind because I became the main allie of the mind. The challenge and the process here is to realize who I really am, as Life, by transcending the mind.

While I am writing I can see the fear of dying right now - here is another trick of the mind: the ultimate fear of death as a tool to participate in the energy. So I teach myself to breathe and overcome the storms of the mind.  I stop thinking about death and I focus on my breath. I associate a realisation as an achievement and so I fear to "suffer" the negative consequence of something bad to happen to me. So the label of realisation as a positive thing must be redefined within me.

Why does the mind exist? Through this question I realise that I am actually blaming the mind for my slavery. So I can rephrase my question and ask myself: Why and how did I become the mind? Why and how do I participate in emotions, anxiety, fear, distrust, feelings, love, sadness, despair, desire,  hope, regret, impatience, anticipation, expectations, blame, guilt, jealousy, reaction, comparison, anger, hate, imagination, exhaustion, positive, negative,  happiness, judgement, distraction. That's why in the Desteni material we always see and read about the point of self-responsibility and self-stability, because this is what I must be able to recreate in me and become.

It is apparently tough to let go of a belief, of a religion, of an idea, of a dream and this is the resistance that I have created in my own mind towards the mind itself. It is amazing how ideas become so real in my mind that I am able to project them into my reality and live by it - of course this is not a Life, because it is a prison limited by my own imagination.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get excited with a realisation/understanding, as this is a point of energetic excitement of the ego and based on the fear of losing such a realisation! Therefore, when and as I see myself realising a new point or a new dimension within a point, I stop and I breathe.

I support me to stand stable within and as the realisation, because the realisation is not separated from me. I commit myself to walk through/as/become the realisation and therefore there is no need to go into excitement or fear of losing that which I already am.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the emotion of desire to watch a series is an energetic anxiety of the mind that I can stop through breath. Within this, I see that the addiction to the energy of the mind is not the best for me, because it creates a separate reality of nervousness and I am not aware of me here anymore.

So when and as I see myself going into the energy of the mind, either in the form of anxiety, of fear, of emotional attachment and of desire, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to breathe until I take control of me here, stable and aware of my actions out of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to avoid watching the last episode because I did not want to lose the energetic desire of watching another episode.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the energy of the mind instead of watching the series as it was initially my plan. I realise that I deviate from my objective of simply watching the story and move on.

When and as I see myself going into the parallel reality of the emotions of the mind, I stop the sequence of emotions and I breathe. I support me to remind me of what I am doing and I help me to be aware of when I slip into the mind of imagination, anticipation, fear and emotions in order to stabilise myself more efficiently and with less consequence.

When and as I see myself going into the imagination of the mind and the images of the mind, I stop and I breathe. I see that these images are not real, that are memories and that I can only use them as a reference to see what I must stop within me - what are the preoccupations that move in my mind?, what are the thoughts that I am distracted with?, what are the fears that I project unto myself? What is the consequence that I am creating by being distracted of my own reality?

I commit myself to support me in seeing my own mind and to dedicate myself to correct me, to clarify the memories, to understand the fears and to stop me from participating in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that this process is a radical process and that my realisations will bring some immediate changes - I realise that I must walk point by point and that I must apply each and every single realisation in real-time until I face each and every pattern where I have been enslaving myself. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to move on in my own process and to change me. I realise that this fear of the unknown is an idea that is not real - I also realise that the mind is not the best for me and therefore I must practice myself in self-awareness, I must practice my breathing, practice stopping the mind and practicing solutions in my real life.

When and as I see myself navigating in the mind of memories, of images, of beliefs, I stop this self-entertainment and I breathe. I realise that I must be my own cure because I am the one feeding this addiction to the energy of the mind. I commit myself to focus on my breath until I am back to this reality and I restart my actions in self-awareness and self-correction.

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Day 99: Career anticipation - the fear of failing and the fear of succeeding

I realise that the energetic fear of failing and the constant need to fight for something has been working as a motivator, as a challenge and, after all, as a BIG distraction in my own mind. By this, I realise that I am the one holding myself back and procrastinating my own life, my potential of life and my time on earth to become the best of me.

This is a continuation of the self-corrective statements shared on the DAY 17: Inflating my career - tendency to make things bigger than what they are

When and as I see myself reacting to my own decisions based on the fear of failing and the thoughts of anticipation I stop and I breathe. I realise that these thoughts are not real and are not who I really are but they show me patterns that I must deal with, understand where these fears come from and take the decision to walk through it in self-direction and self-confidence to change who I have become.

I commit myself to stop fighting with my own mind and therefore to stop the reaction in me – I realise that the anticipation thoughts show me my tendency to complicate and to fear my own decisions. From here, I commit myself to trust myself in my own decisions and to recreate my relationship with myself, this time in actually taking decisions in common sense and then support me in living my decisions in real-time. I realise that the hope for miracles of god is an illusions and that I have the tools within me to make the best of my time on earth.

I commit myself to focus on my priorities and therefore I commit myself to direct me to dedicate my time to my Process (self-care, my daily writing, my reading of other Destonians, the DIP and my agreement with Joao), my job (financial stability) and my self-expansion in my contribution to the world system.

When and as I see myself fearing and believing that I am going to fail because I perceive me as not good enough for my own decisions, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the fear of failing is based on a bunch of perceptions that I have created about the various careers and that I have excluded my options based on this same fear of failing without even starting it.

I commit myself to not define me by my career, to stop the perceptions related to specific careers and to start looking at the professional activities as practical requirements in this world.

I commit myself to stop hiding myself behind a name or a career because a career is not more than me – I realise that everything that I do is me and that my success in my career is the result of my dedication what I am doing, and this “self-success” applies to everything that I do.

When and as I see myself fearing my self-success, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to not distract me with the fear of failure, nor with the idea of competing with someone or fighting for something, but to rather live my decisions to its fullest and to then dedicate myself to new things, instead of holding me back to the comfort of that which I already know. I see now that I have been holding myself by participating in the pattern of indecision, to the pattern of fear of changing and to the distractions of the mind, so I realise that by walking these patterns I am actually changing myself an changing my decisions, this time with a starting point of self-honesty, self-direction, self-correction and self-realization.

Illustration: Eqafe interview: Anticipation: Developing Self Trust - Atlanteans - Part 116 

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DAY 98: Facing a scene of violence & Facing my own fears

Very recently I came across a scene of violence in the middle of the street when a few guys started to kick another guy that ended laid down on the pavement. I was caught by surprise and reacted in fear inside of me, uncertain of whether I should stay still or run away from that place. The fear of the escalation of violence was a mix of insecurity and anticipation. I also noticed an "instinct" to get involved to stop the fight and help the guy that was a minority in the conflict, but in common sense I knew that I should not fuel the conflict even more (and it could be dangerous because I had no idea of these guys were armed). Some people from the "audience" started to defend the victim under attack and the fight ended with the guys running away up the road. I don't know where the fight started or who was to blame but nothing should justify such primitive actions between human beings.

Within me there was still nervousness and anxiety, fearing that new fights could arise and that I could be hit accidentally by them. I can take this opportunity to walk the fear of violence, my memories behind it,  the ideas that I created in my mind and all the layers that constitute this fear within me. The physical instability from this event is an indicator that I must deal with these points within me in order to recreate my inner-stability unconditionally. My relationship of fear towards violence is made of various components such as the reactions, the verbal violence, the projections, the images of violence, the origins of such images and the fears of the mind associated to violence. This is what I am going to walk and share on my blog.

Self-forgiveness on the Energetic-fear of violence:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility to stand here and stable as breath when I saw the group of youngsters passing by me at night.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that/judge groups of young people as potential attackers just because of my experience earlier with the fight.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become/feel powerless when I am alone and I see males or groups of males walking on the street.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me/women as victims of male violence, physical strength and control.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project such images of violence (including the images from the movies/TV) unto my daily life, having an unequal starting point of believing that females are incapable of defending themselves. Within this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have ever considered physical violence as a solution to any problem or conflict, as I realise that no real understanding, no real communication, no understanding and no real change can come up out of violence, only more fear, physical instability and separation.

In my next blog I will walk the self-corrective statements and support myself in becoming more aware of such points/energetic fears when these pop up in my reality.

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DAY 97: Inflating my career - tendency to make things bigger than what they are

I realise that a career does not need to be inflated and perceived as something bigger than myself. I see that the complication that I created within me is a reflection of what I have been accepting and allowing within and as me. Now I can use this point to correct my tendency to inflate things/make things bigger than what they are (which generates the fear of the future by seeing my "life" separated from me).

The following self-corrective statements are a continuation of my previous post DAY: 16 The Career Indecision Vírus.

I commit myself to be practical in regards to my career decision and to simply apply myself in developing my communication skills, taking advantage of the fact that I speak multiple languages, always considering the practical requirements to work in the world system, motivating myself to learn and then direct me in a field of interest where I can expand myself.

I commit myself to study in order to practice common-sense and move myself from the starting point of looking at solutions to this world and change the world like I change myself.

I support me in working in the system to support myself to change the system, first by perfecting me and then in applying myself into perfecting the system.

I realise that the priority must be me, from within, in looking at the thoughts that I have, the indecision,  my acceptances and allowances, the relationships that I have created in my mind, the desires and projections for the future. From here, I realise that regardless of what I decide, it is always me directing me, and so I commit myself to live the decision of becoming my own self-stability, self-comfort and self-direction. This decision must then be applied into everything I do, including my daily job, career and participating in this world.

I commit myself to re-establish the relationship of self-trust and self-direction that I will then consequently apply into everything I decide to do and become. 

I commit myself to become the best of me in self-integrity, self-honesty and self-worth and to live it in any career or job or activities that I do.

I commit myself to respect and take my decisions seriously.

When and as I see myself distrusting a decision that I just made, I stop and I breathe. I realise that each and every single decision that I take "counts" in terms of my own creation - I realise that my distrust towards the career became a habit and a distraction, based on projections of how the future could be in this career, or that career, which is all based in the images/ideas/definitions/desires of the mind. As I agreed before, I am not defined by the image and perception that a career is usually associated with, such as the elitism, recognition, respect and prestige - I realise that all of these associations are the result of brainwashing on the unequal value that society (we) gives to its own people (ourselves). 

I commit myself to value each and every single person and their activity as worthy, without judgments of being more or less, but to rather look at the practicality of the existing careers and become my own example in making the most of my own actions and to actually transform my career in a way that addressed real-current issues in this world.

When and as I see myself starting to navigate in my mind projecting me into a future separated from me, based on information and ideas that I am imposing upon myself, I stop and I breathe.

I give me this opportunity to stop the confusion of my mind and to assess in self-honesty why am I creating a future against my own Life/stability - Therefore, I commit myself to bring the point here and see what is my starting point and what future/fear is my mind showing me that I must correct within me in my thoughts, words and actions. I support me in applying common sense in my own decisions and do the best thing for me, in real-time, in this present moment, in order to change the reality that I create to myself - and create heaven on earth, from within.

Sometimes I see that my indecisions are superficial based on greed (wanting to do and have everything) so I commit myself to take it easy and to stick to self-honesty, as to what is feasible and what steps I require to take in order to become my solution. I finally realise that a career can/must be a solution that is part of the bigger world solution for all of us, to recreate and live in a better world.

I commit myself to trust my own volition and I support myself to be aware of my own self-creation/world-participation in every moment. I have every moment to practice my self-confidence in my process of living my decision of correcting me, within and as my decisions, and perfecting me in walking the talk.

A world where a career is a real freedom-of-choice = Living Income Grant

Image 1: http://leadersinheels.com/lifestyle/5-secrets-for-successfully-juggling-a-business-with-children/

Image 2: http://sandysjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/day-177-how-companies-justify-poverty-wages-the-solution-2/

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DAY 92: Quantum Suicide and Quantum Life

Third Contact movie

This year I have had the opportunity to see the questions of life and death projected into the screens and scripts of two featured movies: one of them was the documentary The Act of Killing, and most recently, the thriller Third Contact. Today I will explore points that I realised while watching the latter.

This low budget movie touches upon the issues of bipolarity, depression, immortality, life after death, memories, past lives and traumas through visual communication and interlinked stories of the characters that we come across. This blog post is not so much a movie review but rather my sharing of the points that came up while watching it. At some point, I thought: what if that person (or someone going through the same mental turbulence) was to apply self-forgiveness on the memories of the mind, on the anger, on the sadness, on the experience that one is creating to oneself and others, on the past, on the self-definitions, the multiple personalities, the fears and on thoughts that are against oneself? Would this not be a form of re-birth? Are we not all desiring to kill the thoughts in our own minds that keeps us going on in circles and ultimately our own physical death?

I found that it is not a coincidence that the image of suicide is often related to bullet in the head, not in the heart - one is actually killing the mind, the thoughts, the addictions that we have never been educated to deal with. The heart is the physical organ that distribute the blood and the oxygen throughout the body, the same with the lungs that feel the body with the air we breathe, however, none of these organs are associated to suicide, because these are not supposed to be stopped while they are functionally working! Why would a human being kill its own body when is fully functional and healthy? Nevertheless, the body will stop working when the mind takes control. This has to do with our own acceptances and allowances, our misdirection and our distractions that keeps us away from our own self-honesty as Life. So, the act of suicide that pops up in the mind appears to be a "solution" to a Life that was never fully lived.

Back to the movie Third Contact, were these deaths real? Or was it the end of the personalities? Or even the end of memories that hold people back?  How would life be if we were to let go of the past?

I then considered that a quantum life, lived in every moment of breath, consists of a quantum death of personalities that must be cleared if we are to know ourselves.

Our physical existence allows us to birth in every breath we take, and to die in every out-breath. An opportunity to change who we have been so far. And I agree with the quote from the film, where she said: "Your concept of death is outdated", because at least for the majority of the people in the developed countries, death is not a consequence of physical hunger, or lack of healthcare or even physical abuse against human rights. Death here can appear as the idea of the mind that one cannot stand anymore, or that one does not have strength to face the problems in Life, or that one is emotionally fragile due to the end of a relationship, or that the loss of money took away one's pride and therefore life does not make sense in that person's mind.

For others, it is actually the concept of Life that has been disregarded and needs to be recreated - those are the ones that are starting to be aware that Life does not necessarily need to be a fight, or a struggle, or a proof to go to heaven, because life on Earth should be Heaven for Every single being.  This is the group of people where I  stand and I have been realising that a mind-death is actually a process of re-birthing from the physical within the realisation of who we are and what Life can be. The physical death, when it is not caused by physical accidents, it's the consequence of the self-abuse from within, as the physical body can only handle that much... And as I mentioned earlier, the act of Self-Forgiveness is one of the most revealing tools that I could ever come across to help myself, to face my mind, to get to know me, my fears, to stop allowing the depression within me, the polarity of lows and highs of the mind, the excitement and the passiveness, the paranoia and the movies in my own mind.

The director of the movie overcame his own resistance by living the decision of making this movie. As he said during the Q&A session, it was a priority that he gave to himself and directed himself to do it, without procrastinating anymore. We can learn from him! It is true that, at some point, we cannot stand our minds anymore and something must be done. Considering the pre-programme of the mind, we will go through the same cycles over and over again, even repeating our parents' patterns, until we stop creating and participating in such cycles of thoughts and actions.

As I got older, I could see the patterns manifesting in my different relationships and in different situations of my life. I couldn't see it by myself - it was just impossible because nothing in my reality was pointing me to a way out. My religion in Portugal was not helping either, quite the opposite. My friends did not know how to help and I was creating consequences around me. I wanted to understand what was going on and why the patterns were repeating. Where were the fears coming from? I also wanted to understand where my accidents were coming from. Was there a god punishing me? Was there a devil punishing me? What was the common element in all of these patterns? Was it me punishing myself? Was I creating my own thoughts and fears? Well, if I got the questions and I must have the answers. If I was creating these thoughts to myself, I should be able to delete the thoughts. If I was killing myself in such a state of mind, I must be capable of rebirthing myself in full self-awareness and start again. I can see this now. I couldn't see it before I was introduced to Desteni, their articles, the interviews, the forums and the videos. Even today I still ask myself how the hell was I able to hear them, considering that my mind is so complicated and suspicious. So I realise that I am the example to myself: if I was able to slow my mind, to start forgiving myself and to let go of my self-distrust, then this is the proof that I am able to change myself.

It is interesting that in the Third Contact movie, people shaved their heads when they were ready to "die". When I shaved my head for the first time I remember to think that I never thought I could do it, because I was not ready to LIVE myself, free of judgments! I could see other people doing it but not me. It was easy for others, but not for me. It was OK for others, but not for me.. The same with making movies: I thought that others could do it, but I couldn't. Until I took the decision to make my first video-clip.

I thought that others could be self-honest but not me, until I started to write for myself in complete openness and vulnerability.

I thought that others could write themselves on blogs but not me, until I started my blogs.

I desired others to change themselves but never considered that I could only change myself - until I took the decision to walk the Process of self-honesty and go through my deepest patterns, secrets, paranoia, memories and fears.

I did not have to literally kill myself to start seeing this; I did not have to ascend to a sky/heaven in order to be in peace with myself; I did not have to create conflict with others in order to see change around me - because my change is coming from within and is then manifested in what I say, write and do Here.

My physical reality is an indication and cross-reference of my own Process, as within so without, Life within, Life outside, in Oneness and Equality. So my own ideas of life and death must be challenged, questioned and changed. We have underestimated the potential of Life so much that death became the apparent easy way out, when the majority of the suffering is coming from our own minds, and this is unacceptable, considering that we could be doing much better in actually working on ourselves and then working together to make this Earth and Life an enjoyable place to be. Aren't Wars the projection of our own self-destruction? Isn't Poverty the manifestation of our own greedy mind separated from the others? Isn't this world a mirror of our own lack of self-responsibility for our own creation?

The process that I am walking is a Quantum process to be lived moment by moment, breath by breath, point by point, while walking the various layers of the mind. When a thought comes up, I take a breath and check within self-honesty what is my starting point, where is the reaction coming from or the fear, and I focus on clarifying it within me, self-forgive and let it go, so that when that point comes up again I am able to correct myself and not give in into the cycle. It is amazing to see that so much of my time on Earth is spent in the thoughts and concerns of the mind that really block me to look at other things in this world. It is also fascinating that since I started to sort out my own mind-mess I have been finally started my Masters in diplomatic studies and I am more than ever keen to work in this world to participate in its change for a better place for all, through common sense and solutions that are the best for all, me and the people. 

Would you go back to the mind-paranoia if you were to discover yourself as your own direction, as Life Here?

Movies mentioned:

http://theactofkilling.com/

http://www.thirdcontactmovie.com/

Supportive links:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteni.org/

https://eqafe.com/free

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/SunetteSpies?feature=watch 

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Picture from: http://www.dailybeefcake.com/2013/07/02/bringing-third-contact-to-the-big-screen/

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Day 90: Taking people's words and actions personally

While typing the title of this blog, I realised how comic in fact this whole projection is: how can I blame someone for my own interpretation of their words? Why do I go into a reaction when the other person doesn't do what I expect to be done? Isn't this an experience that I create in myself? How come can I expect another to know  my expectations and my relationships to words and therefore expect that they would say things and do things in a way that does not cause me any reaction? Isn't it common sense that it is my responsibility to stop the projections and to start purifying the words within me? Is it not the case that I can learn with another and the other can learn from me? I will therefore walk the point of taking another's words and actions personally:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel angry internally when someone does not do that which I expect and think should be done.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this experience of anger within me which is a point of separation inside-out. I realise that I am responsible for my own anger because I am the one creating such experience within me based on the belief that this is how things should be/work.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to be angry at another, which is based on the belief of righteousness.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to let the reaction go and to be patient with another being as I like people to be patient with me.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stop the mind in these moments and to allow myself to breathe slowly until I calm myself down and prevent the reaction/consequence.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to realise that the resistance to slow down and breathe is a defense mechanism of the mind to keep the energy building up within me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if things don't go as I planned it means that something is going to go wrong. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine/create/antecipate images of what can go wrong.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the pattern of self-punishment based on the feeling of guilt when things don't go as I think they should go.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react towards my own mind/imagination, instead of realising that I am accumulating this energetic experience and it requires me to be disciplined to STOP the ball, to breathe and to give me direction in that moment outside of my imagination, moving me in self-stability, one and equal to the other being.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to help me in these moment of energetic emotions and to support me in seeing the common sensical thing to do - either in communicating with another what would be a best practice or to ask to another what he/she is doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that I know what the other is doing and to believe that I know what is going to happen based on the starting point that things will go wrong.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of the mind which is this conversation within me, the convictions, the assumptions and the answers in my mind that are pure imagination.

Self-corrective statements

I realise that currently my relationships  and interactions with other beings manifest the various patterns that I became and therefore this is my opportunity to walk these points and change myself.

When and as I see myself looking at another's action and thinking that she/he is doing it wrong, I stop the thought and I breathe. Instead of being a zombie observer, I commit myself to either help the other if needed or to do what I am doing and focus on my own actions (being an example to myself).

When and as I see myself fearing that the other person will drop something based on the starting point that if it was me I would be more careful, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I can only be careful with my actions and that thinking about the other as not careful is a point of separation. Therefore, I support myself to stand stable with another and to trust the other as myself. I realise that this projection actually shows me that I am the one not trusting myself in every moment and that I am accepting to distract me from myself entertained with thoughts about the others.

When and as I see myself participating in the patterns of righteousness towards another person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my idea of how things work is based on my own experiences and that I cannot impose unto another - by bringing this point to myself, I realise that I am the one who believes that I must obey to another and do what I am told without considering what is the best thing to do, and this is the justification as to why I  tend to react when the other does not obey me! Within this realisation, I commit myself to stop wanting to control the other person, stop wanting to impose and to stop being a slave of my own mind. I realise that what I see in another also exists within me so I take this opportunity to stop accepting and allowing me to be a slave or desiring to have slaves doing what are told. I realise that all of us have much more to gain if we communicate with each other to come to an agreement of what is the best thing to do, as equals, rather then competing with ideas, minds and egos.

When and as I see myself taking another person's actions or words personally as an offense or as disobedience, I stop and I breathe. I slow the mind and I slow the thoughts about the other in order to allow me to focus on me, as to what I am allowing within my own thoughts. I realise that if I have a reaction towards specific words or voice tonality then I must investigate within me where is the reaction coming from, forgiving the memories that keep me separated from being here, stable in the present moment. At the same time, I realise that thinking that the other is doing something just to annoy me is a manifestation of paranoia and inferiority, therefore, I help me by stopping these thoughts and correcting me in my relationships to the other people, allowing me to stand equal to another, not superior or inferior.

When and as I see myself participating in the imagination and belief that I know that another's intentions are malicious, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to stand accountable for my own thoughts and look at my starting point in real-time in order to stop the cycle and not feeding the mind.

When and as I see myself thinking that things will go wrong if things are done differently from what I believe should be, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the starting point of the plan was based  on my imagination, previous experience and judgments, instead of considering the best for all and common sense. I realise that changes to the plan is not necessarily a bad thing or that imply any punishment. I realise that it is my responsibility to make the best I can and be constantly correcting my actions in order to do things perfectly as the best for all.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in my relationship and interaction with another and I support me to be stable, equal to the other, in self-honesty, self-trust, steadfast in my own actions while open to another's solutions, looking at things in common sense and treating the other as I like to be treated.

Illustration 1: https://eqafe.com/p/the-nature-of-taking-things-personally-reptilians-part-222

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