DAY 161: Walking baby steps before running (or putting the legs up)

Yesterday I injured myself during my yoga class and through this I have been facing an important realisation when it comes to doing something based on an image, as opposed to doing it considering every single step of it. In this specific situation, I decided to do the headstand position based on how I saw other people doing and disregarded the process of learning the position and considering my own body condition. Despite the pain in my neck that I started feeling after trying the pose, I am glad that this point opened up as an opportunity to learn from it. It is not about fearing to try something new (which in a way I overcame it by trying) but it is about building the confidence within me in order to try something new in full responsibility and self-care.

As I was reviewing this episode, I could relate this experience with previous accidents that I had in my childhood and later in my teenage years where I was always trying to prove something to others (to my older sisters or to boyfriends or to friends that I looked up to). In these memories I can relate to the little preparation I gave myself as if I was impatient with my own learning process and wanted to go faster, to try a new path, to win, to do what other people were doing... The result was to fall/fail. I couldn't go so fast before first tying the slower version, perfecting my confidence and gradually attempting new variations of that action (either running, or riding a motorbike or then raising my legs on the mat).

I can see how one single experience, when analysed without the judgment or being right or wrong, can uncover so many keys to my own process of self-awareness and self-change. When I was mentioning this experience to my husband, it was really supportive to not hear him saying something like "that was silly" but instead he said: Once you recover I can help you with learning that pose. It is that simple: I need to walk the baby steps before I put my legs up.

Going back to the pattern of wanting to prove something to others, this is another interesting point to look at in self-honesty. I see that it is related to my habit of looking up to people when they can do something that I cannot, and then how I then allowed myself to forget the path that one had to walk in order to do it. Being the youngest of three girls, I can see how I used to look up at my sisters for doing things so perfectly compared to how I did them (e.g. writing, playing games, drawing, knowledge) and how I went into the idea of being inferior for not being able to do those things (yet). It was hard for me to understand that my sisters were born before me and that they had already walked the phased that I was going through. I learned a lot from them, but the sense of pressure came with the experience based on the belief that I should be able to do it, even before learning how to do it!

As I am typing these words I am experience an emotional movement within me, so I will investigate it further. But in the meantime, I will start by walking the self-forgiveness in relation to the thoughts that led me to try the headstand without considering my process of learning and considering my body.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on me/my neck by believing that I needed to try the headstand this day.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that doing the same poses over and over again is boring and therefore I should be trying something new, without realising that no matter what position I am doing it is me, I am my body, I am breathing, I am aware of myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own body awareness in the moment I tried to replicate the image of the headstand, from the mind to the physical reality.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise that I had not learned each step and therefore any attempt was not going to be a full replica of the picture I had in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project into my reality images of the mind, instead of using the physical reality as my reference and build from t(h)ere.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is time for me to do the headstand as if yoga has goals to be achieved outside of me and based on images of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not being able to put my legs up even after I started to feel pain on my neck.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that someone in the room was judging me for the fact that I wasn't able to complete the pose and was "half-way".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to be looked up at for being advanced or for doing other poses/variations.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the desire to achieve something or to achieve an image is real when in fact it is a projection of how I look up at people when they do something that I can't do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more or less depending on how people evaluate me/admire me or judge me.

I see, realise and understand that this judgement and imaginary person is actually a projection of my own judgement for not being able to do the pose as I had seen it. In this, I see that the image in my mind isn't real: what it is real is my body, my process of learning and now the pain that I feel for forcing the pose.

When and as I see myself desiring to copy what another is doing based on the idea that I am inferior and that therefore I need to do what they did in order to think of me as superior, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these backchats and thoughts are based on separation, on the idea of superiority and inferiority, in self-judgments and in comparison, and therefore not based on principles that I want to live for myself.

When and as I see myself putting pressure on me by thinking that I need to do something in order to feel good about myself and to have a sense of achievement, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these feelings are of the mind and are not real. I see that what is real is the process of learning, of developing my muscles, of training the poses and to take new steps based on a solid foundation.

When and as I see myself judging me for going too slow, being "behind" or inferior compared to other people's experiences, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this desire for an experience to validate, value myself or to see myself equal to another is not real, as Who We Really Are is not defined by experiences, by knowledge, by doing more, less, faster or slower.

When and as I see myself thinking of an image in the mind and believing it to be real and that needs to be created in my reality, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that seeing others or having an image can be of support/guidance but it will be me creating in real time that is real and that is me. I see, realise and understand that I am not that image in the mind.

When and as I see myself projecting my judgment to the idea that someone is looking at me or thinking something about me, I stop and I breathe. By bringing these thoughts to myself, I support me in slowing down the mind and realising that these self-judgments are not me, and are not the other.

I commit myself to support me in being diligent with the steps that I must take in order to perfect something, or to simply do something new and I commit myself to recreate the process of learning as self-enjoyment rather than rushing through it and judging me for being "behind".

I commit myself to live each step of the learning process in full presence and self-satisfaction without having an end goal or a desire for achievement that is based on an imagine in the mind.

I commit myself to use the self-judgments to see/become aware of the automatic thoughts and "programs" of my mind and to deliberately stop the judgments by breathing, by bringing me back to this moment, giving me direction in self-awareness and therefore change my relationship with myself.

I see, realise and understand that my actions are a mirror of the relationship I have with myself.

I see, realise and understand that who I am is here in self-honesty, is being aware of my body and considering any physical limitations.

Therefore, I commit myself to change my relationship with myself and to act accordingly, by supporting me in my process of learning, of being patient with myself and of being stable with myself no matter what stage of the process I am in. 

Curiously, yoga is a practice. That's it, just a practice...

If you resonate with this point, I recommend listening to these interviews:

Crick in Your Neck - Reptilians - Part 340

Crick in Your Neck (Part 2) - Reptilians - Part 341

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DAY 135: Living the Principle of Patience, as within so without

A new point opened up within me last month month as a result of an accumulation of desire to move things forward quickly without having a basic foundation of self-stability within me. To be more specific, the point of being patience with myself, my process and with the world around me resonated with the experience of pressure and tension that I was experiencing. As I am walking the Desteni of Living Process, I decided to read my statements again, this time focused on the point of patience to understand how it impacts me and my application.

On this blog I will redefine the word Patience to assist me in walking the other Principles.

Starting with the point 12, where it says:

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

I realise that my definition of the word Patience is still very much in relation to time. By "not waiting for others" I easily interpret this point as going into a rush and a fight against time so that I take responsibility for myself and for the world around me. However, living the Principle of Self-Responsibility is an all encompass decision that must consider everything within me, all the points, all the backchats, all my relationships, all my words and all my definitions. Having rush as a starting point is obviously not supportive and I just cannot allow myself to use the existing definition of the word patience to justify the race against my own self and time. Therefore, in order to live this Principle, as well as the other 22 Principles within my Declaration, I commit myself to redefine the word Patience within me - not in relation to time or in wanting to be quick or enforcing my realisations unto others and external world, but to be patient within my own self, to guarantee that I walk this process fully, completely, that I investigate all my points, that I apply and test the correction, that I learn from myself and others, that I re-educate myself about the things that I don't understand and that I am patient with others as I am with myself.

In the redefinition of the word Patience within me, the point of not "waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world" is exactly about not allowing quick fixes within or without - solutions must come from within no matter how long it takes me to realise or to correct myself. In order to be constant within myself and, therefore, to push myself to be self-aware in everything I hear, speak and do, I realise that being patient is key - the patience to be constant, to be disciplined and to apply my self-correction. This Process manifests from the inner to the outer world: first I must be patient to recognise that which I don't understand, to realise where my fears come from, to understand why I judge me and others; secondly I must be patient with me to recreate a stable foundation within me where I live the Principle for myself in my daily day, in my relationships, in my own decisions, constantly; and finally, to live the Patience of seeing how the world works, to become aware of the time it takes for change to actually occur, to not fight the system but to be patient with it, just like the Destonians were patient with me when I started my Process five years ago.

Patience it is not to lay down or lay back; it is not about becoming powerless but it is exactly the opposite - as it is explained in Anu's interview "Patience and How to Live it", without patience one goes easily into reaction and that is a manifestation of powerlessness, because one is controlled by another's reaction instead of standing stable and directing the situation in common sense.

According to the dictionary*, Patience is

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Curiously enough none of the definitions above refers to time, except the confrontation with delay. When something needs to be done, it is irrelevant and actually counterproductive to be under time pressure.

In my redefinition of Patience I realise that it implies understanding; for understanding to develop I must be humble and willing to investigate, to ask questions and to give me time to consolidate and apply my understanding. This waiting mode is not a hopeless state, but rather a time that I give to myself to process the information, to investigate the problem and to search for solutions, both for myself and the world. "Waiting" does not mean "stopping", because while I am waiting for myself to realise a point I can be proactively investigating the point within me until I see that I am ready to apply it in my own life.
For as long as there is the directive principle of changing oneself to the utmost potential, there is no need to react against time. If impatience manifests I check where I have missed my understanding or self-direction, I apply self-forgiveness and I establish my commitment to correct myself.

In order for me to be able to realise that I have created who and how I am in this moment, I must be patient with myself and in walking in this physical reality without jumping steps - I cannot walk quicker than  my physical body; I must walk within the awareness that my physical breath is my reference to make sure that I don't miss any breath/any moment in my application. If I miss-a-take, I am patient with myself and I give me this opportunity to investigate where I missed the breath and therefore support me to not do the mistake again.

I realise that I was not educated to be patient with myself because most likely others (family, friends) weren't educated about it either. I also see a judgement towards Patience, as if being patient is a waste of time or a failure. Until now I could not understand why I should be patient when I see people already able to overcome certain points and so, in my mind, I believe I should be able to overcome those points too. However, in physical reality I must walk each and every point by myself in order to live it for myself. I realise that projecting my correction or a final outcome  will not help until I live the decision to walk the correction in real time and get to know me in the process of changing.

The two patterns that contribute to feed impatience within me are comparison and desire. Therefore, whenever I see the pattern of comparison manifested in my thoughts, I commit myself to slow down and see what is that I am not allowing myself to walk for myself, why am I not being patient with myself in my own process and why is that I wish to become like another  by pure magic.The same applies to the desire: instead of desiring to be like another (which would be the quick fix) I must investigate within me what is that I am not giving and living for myself, learn with the other that it is possible to become it, and then move myself to start living that specific characteristic or decision in my life.

I am the only one able to get to know myself fully and completely. That is why I cannot wait for anything or anyone to do it for me because it simply won't happen. That is why my only choice is to walk my process and to be Patient with me to slowly but surely become the Living Principles in my relationship to myself and to this world. This is all I must do for myself and that is all my time is for.

Finally, being aware that the process of changing one's mind and consequently this word will take as much time as it took the create the patterns in first place, being patient is key to let the rush go and to stand in self-responsibility and self-direction, walking breath by breath, one step at a time.

Quote by Bernard Poolman: https://bernardpoolmanquotes.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/process-of-self-realization-as-life-in-equality/

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DAY 89: Curiosity to see the limit - How far can we go? Reflection on violence

I realise that I want to control everything, including my own death - for example, when I am next to a cliff or on the top of a high building, I have thoughts of what would happen if I were to jump and have this curiosity to imagine my own fall as if I were in a movie (on this point, I suggest my previous post on the influence of the images from the media in our minds). This sort of curiosity comes along with an energetic movement within me as a need for a change, as if death would ever bring a change. The same applies in violence: who has ever considered that violence could fix/change anything? When a parent is violent towards a child, did it change the child or did it only suppress the problem to avoid actually understanding where the issue comes from and find a long-term real solution? By looking at the world, it is clear to me that violence hasn't fixed anything - the instinct for war still exists and people still believe that a conflict must exist in order to enforce an idea of superiority and power over other nations.

This week I felt physically tired and with little patience towards other people. With this state of mind (which was my responsibility to understand its origins and help myself to overcome it), I  noticed an increase in thoughts of violence: violence towards myself and violence towards others. It is obvious that such thoughts are abusive and I must stop them in a preventive measure before I create a consequence in my life and in the life of others. I also noticed that when I am in a rush, the presence of another person appears to be a burden, as if I just want to do my things in my own bubble based on the idea that other won't understand me (without even trying to explain myself because I see it as a waste of my "precious" time!). For instance, during the peak-hours on the tube, people can be quite violent when it comes to get into the tube and disregard the others, by pushing the other without even looking in the eyes to see if the other person is ok. In these moments, I find that breathing is the only tool to remind myself that I am here and that the other person is here with me, as equals. Another time where thoughts of violence pop-up is when I see two people having a conversation or arguments and I imagine that they will start being violent with another and that people around might be hurt, including me. Of course, in common sense one should not stay in a situation of imminent violence to prevent any unnecessary harm, however, these thoughts are a distraction and do not support me to stand in common sense and see what is the best thing to do in the moment.

Finally, I realise that thoughts of violence towards other people are a reflection of my own fears, as if I want to defend myself and therefore think that I must attack before being attacked. These are the fears that I will be walking in my self-forgiveness. I am the one who can change myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts and images in my mind of being violent towards another person, as if I am watching a movie in my mind, without seeing that this is a reaction within me that I must stop in fully self-awareness to make sure that my stability is created once and for all. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to accumulate images of violence within me that I capture from the news, from the street and from the movies without questioning the physical abuse and pain that is being allowed by others and within me in my own thoughts. I realise that it is my responsibility to stop any images and influences from external images within me to make sure that I create myself in complete integrity and equal to the other.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the images in the mind, as well as the images on the TV, must happen in my own life as if I dictate my life to be a copy of the violence in this world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to associate violence of words and physical violence to superiority and power.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must impose myself through violence in order to be respected and feared by another. I realise that violence is a perceived quick fix based on perceptions of power but it is not a solution for life, as it creates separation, fear and distrust between people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that violent movements are a manifestation of respect. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that violence can shuts up the other person.

Suddenly I reminded myself of two times when my grandfather slapped me and recently I started to think that he was right because I was a pain in the ass. However, I realise that it is unacceptable to accept any form of violence towards myself on anyone else and violence does not help anyone in understanding what needs to be corrected or where does the reaction come from. The same way that I must not accept any form of verbal violence against me or anyone else and therefore I must stand as this principle of not doing to others that which I do not want to be done unto me. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be petrified with the images of violence in the reality and in the mind instead of realising that violence is a projection of self-instability, need for attention, need for power and perception of inferiority. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that sometimes violence is required to bring order without seeing, realising and understand that violence will create new layers of conflict suppressed between the parties/people and within oneself, without any understanding or proper communication. Consequently, I realise that the solution will be postponed because the reaction or thoughts of violence will stay in one's mind until the point comes up again in a new opportunity to see the common sense and change myself in my relationship to conflict.

Therefore, I commit myself to take this moment to walk through this point and write about it, as I realise that I am fed up of these thoughts and images of the mind. I realise that I don't want to create these images of conflict within me nor in my reality, as this causes separation, fosters the conflict inside-out, and that such energy of fear  creates friction and unstability within me, as within and in the world around me.

Self-corrective statements:

I realise that the thoughts of violence within me are not who I am as Life in oneness and equality and such thoughts are not what I want to create in my own reality. Therefore, I commit myself to practice my self-correction in cleaning the thoughts within me:

When and as I see myself having an image of violence in my mind, I stop the thought immediately and I breathe.

I commit myself to stand and Live as the Principle of doing into others that which I want to be done unto myself, which violence is not included.  When and as I see myself imagining someone being violent towards me, I stop this acceptance and allowance. I realise that any form of violence against me/against life is unacceptable and I commit myself to not participate in such violations of stability and security that should be inherent to every being in this existence. I realise that that which I accept within I will accept outside in the world and in others, so I commit myself to stand firm in my decision to not support violence in any way whatsoever, as within so without. I realise that I must become the example of self-honesty, oneness and equality in me, in my thoughts, words and deeds.

I realise that the my mind participates in the polarities of fearing violence and consequently desiring violence as an extreme and visual attraction for its rarity. In this, I see, realise and understand that violence IS NOT NEEDED in any way whatsoever and it is not through violent enforcement that real change occurs.

From my experience, I realise that violence will create more confusion and judgments of right or wrong without a complete explanation and understanding of the situation or about the mental state of the other person. In this, I commit myself to see that violence is a reflection of ones' minds and therefore, I commit myself to focus on my own mind and see when and in which circumstance the thoughts pop up within me and I forgive the thoughts/reactions/anger in the moment, in a real-time self-forgiveness and real-time application.

When and as I see myself having a thought and an image of me perpetrating violence towards another person by kicking them, I stop and I breathe. I realise that any thoughts of violence are a projection of my own inner conflicts and I commit myself to write and explore these, in common sense, in order to help me to calm myself and find solutions that are the best for me/the others.

I realise that any perceptions of power and superiority associated to violence is brainwashing. I also realise that the perception of inferiority associated to the memories of when I suffered violence from another person is not real - I realise that these memories have a sense of inferiority which is not real. I realise that I don't have to take revenge over my own memories/mind, as this actually feeds the conflict of the mind and the energy of conflict that will only feed separation within me and the others. I commit myself to stand stable within and in self-honesty when I think of any memories that I have when I suffered physical violence from another person at school. I commit myself to stop and forgive the memories of the mind and therefore I stop the snowball of the past to define/dictate who I am and what I do in my present and in my future.

I commit myself to become disciplined in the process of stopping the mind and in giving me direction without allowing the mind to fly free, as it is not programmed to stand for life/as Life in every moment of breath. I realise that this is exactly the Process of re-programming my mind and who I am, this time with the Principles of Life in everything I think, speak and do, in oneness and equality with all that exists.

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