DAY 143: Comparing Happiness and the Survival Headache

I started feeling a strong headache last night while watching the Pursuit of Happiness, a movie with Will Smith about  a guy that struggles to get just enough for him and his five year old son. I was actually feeling tired as if I was living the same experience as the main character - the tiredness of the constant problems, the bills to pay, the fines and the debt knocking at one's door, which can easily put one down.

This guy was resilient and did not give up. However, and despite the fact that he was showing that he was able to get things done and find solutions, I was in this anxiety of imagining the worse end throughout the whole movie. If I bring this point to myself, I can see this pattern playing out in the relationship with myself - no matter how many times I have proven to myself that I am able to find solutions to myself, to stand up and to do what is best for me, I still allow myself to go into anxiety and into the survival mode of fearing the worse case scenarios in my life.

Another point that opened up was the belief and fear that I would not be able to find solutions like the main character did because I am a woman and because I would not be able to do it all by myself. The headache has been with me during the whole day today and so I have decided to write about it and see which points open up:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to compare me to the main character of the movie and thinking that I would not be able to help myself if I was in his situation of poverty, struggle and a child to take care by myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as unable to face my problems and to find solutions for me and those around me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to underestimate my ability to help myself, to know myself and to do that which is best for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the survival mode of the mind by imagining the scarcity of money in my own mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety within me when I listen to people's problems because I start imagining these problems in my own life instead of assisting me in standing as a point of stability and a point of support to another. I realise that placing me in the position of the victim is not part of the solution but I am actually feeding the problem.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less capable of taking care of myself if I am alone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to find solutions if I am not with my partner.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as weaker and inferior compared to the guy's story in the movie.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that people need to go through struggle in order to prove themselves as capable or simply to have a story of courage while in the meantime there are unnecessary consequences in one's minds and physical bodies that could be prevented.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the film's story into my own life as an automatic reaction instead of simply learning from it and seeing what values and principles I am missing and separated from.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be with my partner in order to be stable and to give me direction when in fact this is a manifestation of the survival mode projected unto another whereby I fear losing my partner and go into anxiety when I imagine me facing issues by myself.

By walking the process over the last five years I have become aware that I am the only one able to assist me - and this is regardless of being alone or with my partner. The reality is that I am the one able and responsible for knowing my mind and walking the correction. This means that this fear and apparent dependency on my partner is not real and it is a moment to remind myself of that and align me to not participate in this belief system of the mind.

When and as I see myself creating unnecessary stress and anxiety within me by imagining what it would be like to have another person's problem, I stop and I breathe.

I realise that I am unable to help myself or another if I become part of the problem - I see that I can understand the problem by placing myself in their shoes however going into stress and anxiety will not help. Instead, I commit myself to apply the solutions that I have been practicing in my own life, such as slowing down the mind, understanding where the thought is coming from, stopping the thought, giving me direction, being self-honest, breathing and being clear in my correction in order to prevent unnecessary consequences.

I commit myself to stand as myself in my process of becoming self-aware, knowing myself and applying the corrective tools of stopping the mind, seeing the situation in common sense and applying the correction and solutions to change the situation for what is best for me. By creating this consistency within me and by building this trust I will be able to assist others in doing the same for themselves.

When and as I see myself comparing me to another person (being it in real life or to a character in the movie) and thinking that I would have given up, I stop the thought and I breathe. I realise that this backchat is not real and is unnacceptable - I realise that I don't have any choice rather than helping myself unconditionally in every moment. I also realise that usually when I compare myself to another is a form of self-judgement whereby I think of me as inferior and weaker. Thus, I commit myself to stop all thoughts of comparison in relation to other people's lives, experiences and stories.

When and as I see myself believing that my self-stability is dependent on being with my partner, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am the only one able to know me, to walk my points, and therefore the one able to create my self-stability in my process of changing my relationship with my mind.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that my economic stability is dependent on my partner, I stop and I breathe.

I realise that it is my responsibility to make sure that I am able to take care of myself and to provide me the best living standard; I am also aware that in today's society and where I am now this living standard requires me to be financially supported. Therefore, the belief that my economic stability is dependent on another is not real because I am actually already proving to myself that I am responsible and capable of my own financial support. Having said this, I am also aware that one's economic stability may be provided by another when couples decide it so in a given time and therefore the fear is also unnacceptable considering that such decisions must be mutually agreed and properly planned.

When and as I see myself thinking that my partner would be able to apply common sense better than I do in stressful situations or in the context of the movie, I stop and I breathe.

I realise that it is pointless for me to project the movie's story literally into my life because that is not the point of learning from another; I realise that by taking another's story and example personally I am actually getting distracted from my ownself and for my own life. In this, I commit myself to take people's stories as examples to learn from and not to copy from. By learning from another I realise that I am assisting me in applying solutions as the principles of courage, of self-determination, of consistency and of creativity in my own life. I realise that I cannot live another person's process and that all I can and must do is to live my process/LIFE to my utmost potential.

When and as I see myself being limited by my own thoughts, fears, anxieties and images in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to use the tools of Desteni such as of writing, of investigating my mind, of forgiving myself and of writing my self-corrective statements in order to stop the cycle of self-limitition and give me the chance to change my relationship to myself, from self-limitation to self-awareness, self-expression, self-expansion and self-direction.

Image: 1001moviequotes.com

Recommended Eqafe interviews: 

Life Review - Comparison, Judgement and Competition

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Comparing Images and Imagination 

Comparison: An Introduction - Atlanteans Series

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DAY 140: Live events and Stopping the Fear in real-time

I manage live events as part of my daily job and I have noticed how the fear of an unexpected technical issue is terrifying. I am walking the process of stopping the fear in real-time whenever the fear possession starts manifesting in me however I realise that I haven't yet sat down and written about it to fully open the point within me,  facing them and starting my self-correction. For example, during a live event  I start imagining the various scenarios of "what can go wrong" and drifting away from myself, so I have to really push myself to ground myself and focus on that which I do have control and can guarantee that I do the best of my ability for a successful event.

As always, breathing has been my main support to slow down the mind and give me back my physical stability. Sometimes I wonder how people deal with these fears and emotions if they are not walking the Process, however I can see how I had not been aware of these for many years and that I had simply suppressed the fear, trying to replace it with some positive thoughts and praying that everything would go fine. Nowadays, I have been proving to myself that I am the one able to create my self-stability, just like I am the one responsible for creating my own reactions, fears, emotions or a stressful state of mind.

The more I feed the imagination the stronger it gets and so a firm decision is absolutely required to not go into the thoughts. Today during the live event I got scared (I scared myself) when something changed on my screen and I felt like a stone against my chest and a racing heart beat. In that moment I realised that such reaction and harm in/to my physical body is unacceptable and I slowly slowed myself, breath by breath, until my muscles relaxed again. I then felt the polarity manifesting, which was a feeling good sensation and the image of the end of the event. In that moment I wanted the time to move faster because I feared an unexpected issue to spoil the event - this fear isn't real but it assisted me in identifying my mind-patterns and walk these points in writing.

Curiously, by digging into the fear and anxiety in this example, I can identify the pattern of self-judgment emerging from it.

Why would something unexpected happen?

Who am I when something unexpected happens?

Why did I desire the time to move faster?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine that something unexpected will happen to my event. I see that these images are based on my past experiences that I am now projecting to my present reality.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think of me and define me as a victim of unexpected incidents and accidents.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire time moving faster during a live event instead of being stable and present in every single moment, during and outside work, when things are simple or when things are complex.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to realise that my time is my life and that who I am in every moment is not limited by my professional activity, quite the contrary - I realise that my daily job and any activity that I do is a moment where I am facing my mind and it is an opportunity for self-correction and to live the principles of  courage, self-trust, self-learning and self-correction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that problems only happen to me and to think that things are simpler to other people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to place a judgement of "right", "wrong", "easy", "complicated" when something happens in my reality. I realise that this emotional attachment to the things that happen to me is what I am busy with and therefore missing the step of an immediate physical self-correction. I realise that it is pointless and self-dishonest to compare my experience to others because I am only in my mind and therefore any thought about how others deal with their own mind is invalid because I am not dealing with their minds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and feed the mind-energy of anxiety in my physical body through my participation in thoughts and for passively accepting these thoughts to run inside of me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am this fear and this anxiety that manifests when something unexpected happens. I realise that the fear and the anxiety became automatic as part of my habit of living in constant fear however this is not who I am if I am to stand as Life, and as breath and as the solution to mySelf.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get distracted by the scenarios that my mind plays out and to believe that I must fight the thought or keep feeding the thought and self-sabotaging my own reality. I realise that I dont' require to think about the worse case scenario to be focused on my reality - actually, this pseudo-awareness is actually stress and it brings unnecessary consequences to my physical body which I am responsible for preventing it. I realise that in order for me to apply solutions in the physical reality I must stop the mind, breathe and restart my action in common sense, self-awareness, self-honesty, onenness and equality.

When and as I see myself creating and participating in a thought of something unexpected happening during my event, I stop the mind and I breathe. I commit myself to focus on my actions, on the practical steps that I know I must take to make sure everything goes well and I commit myself to stop any frustration when it comes to things outside of my control.

I commit myself to invest my time and my attention to the points that I am able to change and to improve, instead of defeating myself with the fear of that which I can't change or manage. In this, when and as I see myself going into the terrifying fear of some technical failure to spoil my event, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the event is an accumulation of actions that are taken in self-honesty, to do everything to my ability to complete an event flawlessly.

When and as I see myself going into memories, information about problems and the emotion of fear during a live event, I stop and I breathe. I realise that these memories, images and fears are points within me that I must forgive and let go so that a new relationship to my job and myself can develop.

When and as I see myself thinking of me as a victim of people or of situations, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-definition isn't the best for me because I am deliberately putting myself in stressful situations and in constant fear of losing my self-stability instead of creating my self-stability for myself in every moment. I realise that people or situations do not create victims and that this idea only exists within me about myself.

I commit myself to assist me in standing stable within me in every situation and with anyone, and for that, I commit myself to stop and breathe whenever my mind goes into the imagination of a crisis or problems in my reality, and to assist me in that moment to recreate my self-stability until there is no fear-energy within me.

I realise that the emotion itself does not come from the thought but comes from my belief and physical attachment to the thought or idea. Therefore, when and as I see myself limiting myself with a sudden thought that something "bad" or an accident will happen in my reality, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this thought is a projection of my own self-distrust and self-judgement and therefore I am able to correct the self-distrust and the ideas about myself.

I commit myself to change my attitude towards myself and my actions in any given moment, from self-judgement towards self-enjoyment and self-expansion in my relationship to myself.

I commit myself to become a stable being in my physical body and to not get distracted with the ideas I have created about myself in the mind.

When and as I see myself to have defined me as/believed that my self-judgements are real, I stop and I breathe. I realise that when the thought comes up I am "responsABLE" for directing the thought in a practical way, by seeing if it assists me or not, and to decide to let it go if it is not the best for me. Finally, I realise that even when some unexpected issues occur, I am capABLE of directing myself in self-stability and self-support in order to be the solution and to not become/participate in the problem.

I commit myself to use the information brought by my mind to assist me in the process of dissecting the thoughts, the fears, the personalities, the emotions and the fears, and to embrace my mind as a guide for me to walk towards self-realisation and self-corrE(A)CTION.

The more I write, the more points emerge. I can identify new dimensions as part of my daily job and I will continue walking these points and share them in blogs to come.

References:
Free Life Coaching http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
Life Review - Trying to Suppress Your Mind https://eqafe.com/i/jferreira-trying-to-suppress-your-mind-life-review

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DAY 136: Symptoms of the I'm not Good Enough personality

This week I came across a behavior within me of holding myself back in actually showing how dedicated I was in my task, as if I wanted the other to believe that I was good in what I was doing by pure magic. There was also this backchat, or should I say backdoor open in my mind about leaving things averagely done, but not in full perfection as I could potentially do.

I was looking at these symptoms and the thought "not good enough" came to my mind. I then realised that I was actually manifesting in my physical action the belief that I am not good enough, even though I had spent time training myself for that specific task.

So, why did I hold myself back? What is that I am trying to limit from my own self?

I decided to look on Eqafe for further perspectives on this personality and the Life Review I'm not Good Enough came up in the results. As soon as I started listening to it, I got amazed and overwhelmed by the similarities of this person's experience regarding the "not good enough" belief that she also had about herself. I took deep breaths to slow myself down and to simply listen to her words and be present.

What I am realising is the  following: not living up to my utmost potential is a form of giving up on my Self. This means that I am accepting and allowing myself to give up on Life, my Life.

The experience I had this week assisted me to look at the points of self-worth and my potential, which brings me back to the 1st principle  of My Declaration of Principle:

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

In my case, I see that the personality behind this self-imposed limitation is the belief that I am not good enough, either towards a specific job, career, relationship or even my own life style. When I first came to London I thought that this was too good to be true, meaning, too good for me; when I got my first job here I thought I had luck and through such thought I was de-valuing all my efforts in learning new skills, my time invested in improving my professional English, my self-direction in meeting people and the ultimate reward of a job offer.

A new pattern emerged when I started my MA and I realised that I was doing my assignments from a starting point of simply passing it. That's what happened during my first year, until I saw what I was doing - I was imposing a limitation to my own self by not going beyond the "pass" and to fully express myself and dedicate myself to develop the skills required in my field of studies. This actually reminded me some of my colleagues at school that would be extremelly happy for passing a test despite the low score - there are many reasons as to why kids don't have better grades but one of them is the belief that one cannot and will never reach a better position in life, which probably came from the social-economic environment that one grew up with. Imposing a low potential to oneself works against our own development and I saw that for myself in how I was using the excuse of working full-time, for example, to justify not doing a better at Uni. There is obviously the practical time and availability required to study however in self-honesty I can see how I was manifesting the backchat of simply wanting to pass. During this year I noticed the physical change in my attitude towards my studies and the self-enjoyment is extremely rewarding because I am going beyond my self-imposed limitation and I am directing myself to the best of my ability.

The questions and, therefore, the answers are inside me and I know exactly what I am doing when I accept less than who I can be.

As it is explained in the Eqafe interview mentioned earlier, the "Not Good Enough" personality is a cover-up of the mind that we accept and through it allow ourselves to be powerless; the belief that such thought is real makes us live such personality until we have given up of ourselves completely. Just like she did in her life review, I look back in my childhood and I could see moments where I have defined me as not good enough, especially when comparing myself to my sister and to other adults. At that time I did not have the tools of Desteni to realise that comparison was not supporting me and, even though my parents have always pushed for me and valued my work, I haven't done that for myself. At school, even though I had the best grades in the class there was still a dissatisfaction within me because there were things that I had forgotten and that I could do better. So now I am looking at a pattern related to the "Not good enough" personality which is self-distrust and lack of self-worth. The consequences of participating in these patterns have eventually manifested in adulthood like an automated mind-programme that manifests in almost everything I do. So I must support me to stop, look at what I am creating for myself and decide to stand for myself.

What is the resistance to stand for myself unconditionally and to respect me as Life?

In order for me to be able to know myself, I must investigate these points in self-honesty, without any hidden agenda within myself. I will start by scratching the surface:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of valuing me and telling others what I am capable of doing at work and school for example.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else is better than me and therefore I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not being good enough by comparing myself to the ideal of perfection that exists in my mind (projected to others).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the opposite polarity of imagining that I am being recognised by another as being great in what I do. I realise that the desire to be recognised by another is not real and that I am the one who is able to stand in unconditional self-support and self-recognition in everything that I do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by people's positive compliments and by people's negative feedback.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into powerlessness and nervousness when I recieve negative feedback and to go  into excitement and self-worth when the feedback is positive.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that holding myself back is the norm in the society because it is better not to stand out by doing things differently or to be fully dedicated to things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my full dedication to something or to a project based on the idea that perfection will lead to criticism and judgements. I realise that these judgements exist primarily within me and these are related to the fear of being excluded for doing things perfectly well and as the best I can.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge my work (especially during my school years) by comparing it with my colleagues. I now see, realise and understand that I was feeding the idea and self-definition that I must be better than them, instead of doing my best for myself and to make sure that I develop my skills to reach my utmost potential.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of having the best grade or the best salary or the best relationship with my husband or to become the best of me in my life. At the same time, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me as the grades or any other system evaluation - I am aware that the system is not based on fairness or equality and therefore I must not define me as it and I commit myself to stand stable and to know where I stand as my Principles.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to value me only if others value me, which is a catch 22 considering that each one is us is in our own bubble. I realise that my self-worth must be unconditional and based on self-honesty only.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise my work as an extension of me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the reaction of dissatisfaction towards who I am and what I do. I realise that I am trying to fit in an idea (like a hologram) that exists in my mind and that I get frustrated when I am unable to play out such image of perfection.

I commit and assist myself to stop participating in the image of perfection in my mind because that it is not real. I realise that the "I'm not good enough" personality emerges from the images of the mind and from the comparisons with people that I have perceived to fit in the image of perfection in the mind. Therefore, by stopping participating in the image of the mind I am assisting me to start living perfection in my own actions, by learning and applying my skills to the best of me.

When and as I see myself participating in self-distrust, I stop and I breathe. I realise that self-distrust is based on previous experiences and in the accumulation of self-disappointment that I still use to justify the belief that I am not self-worthy and that I cannot trust myself to change me. I realise that my process of changing my relationship with myself exists in every moment of breath and therefore I commit myself to stop manipulating my present and future based on my past experiences and memories which are also a manipulation of the mind.

When and as I see myself participating in the polarity of feeling ashamed for doing something perfectly well and for explaining to others how I have done it, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I resist to talk about my merits based on the fear of being judged as egocentric and as smug. However, I realise that these are the judgements that I have created about myself. Therefore, I commit myself to assist me in standing for my actions, to talk about my actions without any judgement and, if a judgement come up, I commit myself to look into it in self-honesty and see for myself if there were any manifestations of the ego and of a "show off" personality (which is also motivated by competition, comparison and superiority/inferiority). If such personalities exist, then I correct myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself holding off my potential based on the idea that I want to fit in the image of humbleness, I stop and I breathe. I realise that every definition that I have created within me must be redefined so that I can allow myself to expand outside of my own self-judgement. I see that currently every definition that I have created about myself is being used to limit myself and to suppress my potential.

Therefore, I commit myself to investigate and redefine the word "humbleness" in order to align myself with the words and to start living the words for the best of me and for the best of this World.

I realise that any judgement that come up in my mind is an opportunity to correct the relationship I have with myself, and to direct me from self-judgement to self-worth, developing a self-supportive relationship with my own self.

I realise that the way the mind works holds on to the accepted self-definitions and judgments that I have imposed on me. From the moment I unconditionally embrace myself and investigate where self-distrust comes from, there are no judgement for the mind to hold on to anymore. It will require practice and consistency within me to reverse my mind and to start living the principle of self-worth.

Picture by Tiger Talk Series

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DAY 135: Living the Principle of Patience, as within so without

A new point opened up within me last month month as a result of an accumulation of desire to move things forward quickly without having a basic foundation of self-stability within me. To be more specific, the point of being patience with myself, my process and with the world around me resonated with the experience of pressure and tension that I was experiencing. As I am walking the Desteni of Living Process, I decided to read my statements again, this time focused on the point of patience to understand how it impacts me and my application.

On this blog I will redefine the word Patience to assist me in walking the other Principles.

Starting with the point 12, where it says:

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

I realise that my definition of the word Patience is still very much in relation to time. By "not waiting for others" I easily interpret this point as going into a rush and a fight against time so that I take responsibility for myself and for the world around me. However, living the Principle of Self-Responsibility is an all encompass decision that must consider everything within me, all the points, all the backchats, all my relationships, all my words and all my definitions. Having rush as a starting point is obviously not supportive and I just cannot allow myself to use the existing definition of the word patience to justify the race against my own self and time. Therefore, in order to live this Principle, as well as the other 22 Principles within my Declaration, I commit myself to redefine the word Patience within me - not in relation to time or in wanting to be quick or enforcing my realisations unto others and external world, but to be patient within my own self, to guarantee that I walk this process fully, completely, that I investigate all my points, that I apply and test the correction, that I learn from myself and others, that I re-educate myself about the things that I don't understand and that I am patient with others as I am with myself.

In the redefinition of the word Patience within me, the point of not "waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world" is exactly about not allowing quick fixes within or without - solutions must come from within no matter how long it takes me to realise or to correct myself. In order to be constant within myself and, therefore, to push myself to be self-aware in everything I hear, speak and do, I realise that being patient is key - the patience to be constant, to be disciplined and to apply my self-correction. This Process manifests from the inner to the outer world: first I must be patient to recognise that which I don't understand, to realise where my fears come from, to understand why I judge me and others; secondly I must be patient with me to recreate a stable foundation within me where I live the Principle for myself in my daily day, in my relationships, in my own decisions, constantly; and finally, to live the Patience of seeing how the world works, to become aware of the time it takes for change to actually occur, to not fight the system but to be patient with it, just like the Destonians were patient with me when I started my Process five years ago.

Patience it is not to lay down or lay back; it is not about becoming powerless but it is exactly the opposite - as it is explained in Anu's interview "Patience and How to Live it", without patience one goes easily into reaction and that is a manifestation of powerlessness, because one is controlled by another's reaction instead of standing stable and directing the situation in common sense.

According to the dictionary*, Patience is

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Curiously enough none of the definitions above refers to time, except the confrontation with delay. When something needs to be done, it is irrelevant and actually counterproductive to be under time pressure.

In my redefinition of Patience I realise that it implies understanding; for understanding to develop I must be humble and willing to investigate, to ask questions and to give me time to consolidate and apply my understanding. This waiting mode is not a hopeless state, but rather a time that I give to myself to process the information, to investigate the problem and to search for solutions, both for myself and the world. "Waiting" does not mean "stopping", because while I am waiting for myself to realise a point I can be proactively investigating the point within me until I see that I am ready to apply it in my own life.
For as long as there is the directive principle of changing oneself to the utmost potential, there is no need to react against time. If impatience manifests I check where I have missed my understanding or self-direction, I apply self-forgiveness and I establish my commitment to correct myself.

In order for me to be able to realise that I have created who and how I am in this moment, I must be patient with myself and in walking in this physical reality without jumping steps - I cannot walk quicker than  my physical body; I must walk within the awareness that my physical breath is my reference to make sure that I don't miss any breath/any moment in my application. If I miss-a-take, I am patient with myself and I give me this opportunity to investigate where I missed the breath and therefore support me to not do the mistake again.

I realise that I was not educated to be patient with myself because most likely others (family, friends) weren't educated about it either. I also see a judgement towards Patience, as if being patient is a waste of time or a failure. Until now I could not understand why I should be patient when I see people already able to overcome certain points and so, in my mind, I believe I should be able to overcome those points too. However, in physical reality I must walk each and every point by myself in order to live it for myself. I realise that projecting my correction or a final outcome  will not help until I live the decision to walk the correction in real time and get to know me in the process of changing.

The two patterns that contribute to feed impatience within me are comparison and desire. Therefore, whenever I see the pattern of comparison manifested in my thoughts, I commit myself to slow down and see what is that I am not allowing myself to walk for myself, why am I not being patient with myself in my own process and why is that I wish to become like another  by pure magic.The same applies to the desire: instead of desiring to be like another (which would be the quick fix) I must investigate within me what is that I am not giving and living for myself, learn with the other that it is possible to become it, and then move myself to start living that specific characteristic or decision in my life.

I am the only one able to get to know myself fully and completely. That is why I cannot wait for anything or anyone to do it for me because it simply won't happen. That is why my only choice is to walk my process and to be Patient with me to slowly but surely become the Living Principles in my relationship to myself and to this world. This is all I must do for myself and that is all my time is for.

Finally, being aware that the process of changing one's mind and consequently this word will take as much time as it took the create the patterns in first place, being patient is key to let the rush go and to stand in self-responsibility and self-direction, walking breath by breath, one step at a time.

Quote by Bernard Poolman: https://bernardpoolmanquotes.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/process-of-self-realization-as-life-in-equality/

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DAY 120: From attention seeker to self-expression

At some point in my life I started desiring to be unnoticed, to melt in the crowd and not create any waves - it was the period of my life of going with the flow, wanting to be in a group of friends and fearing to be or manifest anything "outside the normal".

After that, I started to participate in the opposite polarity, of wanting to "be different", getting fascinated with people called "alternative" and wanting to be pioneer in going to new places. One thing that I never considered was the bunch of self-judgments that I was accumulating within me, the comparisons towards others, the definitions, the ideas of right and wrong, the regret, the desire, the need of an experience, the fear of missing something. All of these layers have done something - suppressed my self-expression.

On Self-Expression, I recommend reading a recent post on the Heaven't Journey to Life, as it explains how self-expression emerges from the real-time application in the process of stepping out of the accepted limitations.  I am now seeing that by accepting and allowing the rights and wrongs, the self-judgments and the idea of I should or shouldn't be, I am limiting my self-expansion and therefore I am shutting down my self-expression. By accepting and allowing judgments within/towards me I am blocking any possibility of self-correction, because the self-definition became a prison. On the other hand, I realise that if I am able to identify the problem (the prison, the self-judgment) I am giving myself the key to open the door. Stepping out of this mind-prison is an opportunity to express myself, to recreate my action and walk the process of changing myself.

Based on my experience, I notice that self-expression and enthusiasm in the society I live in is often seen as attention-seeking. If one speaks louder, or is very active and participator can be called as "an attention seeker". But the fact that I take this judgment personally is an indicator of my relationship towards being the centre of attention - the positive and the negative of it.

Since this point is opening up, I will take this opportunity to explore how and why I judge me as an attention seeker when I am doing or saying something that is less common, what is my relationship towards another that is listening to me, how I am still suppressing my self-expression, and how can I start walking a solution of correcting this relationship I have created towards myself. I realise that regardless of what one says or things about what I do, the point that I have been missing or avoiding to face is my self-honesty. For this, I will start walking my self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me and others as attention seekers when I/others speak louder, participate or manifests enthusiasm towards something or someone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge people as attention seekers when they are speaking a lot - by bringing this point to myself I realise that I  am actually missing what the other person is saying as I am only focusing on the judgment and creating separation towards the other person. I also see that I am the one judging myself as an attention seeker when in common sense if I speak loud it is likely that another person will hear me; in this point I realise that the point that I must look at is my starting point to communicate with another.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as an attention seeker based on the idea that I speak more and I am more active than other people around me, when in fact this self-judgment only exists because I am comparing myself with the others - in this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to have comparison as a starting point to define myself as an attention seeker. In this, I see that I am defining myself in comparison to others instead of being unconditional and stable in my actions: being the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my self-expression by not standing stable within everything that I do or say. I realise that my changes of mood is often due to the energetic highs and lows of external motivation in my mind which is not who I really am as my self-direction, as Life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about what others may think of me while I am speaking, which I see is a mind-defense mechanism to create separation towards another instead of being fully present in the words I speak.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to realise that speaking with another is speaking with myself - therefore, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge meas superior when communicating with my own self.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to label people as "attention seekers" when they are comfortable in speaking in public or are in the centre of the attention. I realise that this is a projection of my own self-judgment when I am being heard for example.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that communicating and speaking with another is a form of attention-seeking, instead of  checking the origin of the self-judgment. I realise that it is the starting point that has to change, both from the one who speaks and from the other that is getting the message.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to speak with another as myself and therefore not needing to prove anything to my own self.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the judgment and fear of being an "attention "seeker is also creating self-limitation because I am not exploring other options nor allowing myself to be stable in my communication with another, as equals.

The layers are opening up and I see the memories from childhood popping up, which is an indicator that I am looking into my mind. I will continue investigating this point, the problem and the solution of self-correction.

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DAY 91: In the image and likeness of Barbies and Kens

I realise that since young age I created an admiration for blue eyes, green eyes and long hair. This is definitely related to the toys I had in my childhood, specifically the barbies that had a beauty beyond what I could ever have - I would never have such green eyes, or such a blond hair - and that was frustrating. For some years I actually desired the father of my children to have light eyes so that my children could be in the image and likeness of barbies and kens! Isn't this real brainwahsing? Now older, I can see how there is still an energetic reaction in a mix of admiration, jealousy and comparison each time I see someone who would fit in the image and likeness of barbies and kens. 

  

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the women that fit in the image of long blond hair, or long brown hair, light blue or green eyes because I have put such physical characteristics as superior beauty and was unreachable to me because I did not have light blue or green eyes or a long hair. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that women with such physical characteristics had advantages in our society because people would like them easily for their beauty. In this, I realise that there is a point of jealousy and comparison and desire to be easily liked by others without realising that I was the one accepting this starting point of superiority and inferiority based on physical appearance. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that people with light blue and green eyes are nicer people because I associate to the good characters in movies that are sweet and kind, just like in the Disney stories, and to the image of angels in the churches.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the desire to be accepted by others instead of looking at what is here, standing stable within and as my physical body, without comparing to another's body not having any image as a reference.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the separation towards other women based on the belief that they are like angels superior to me and that I am inferior because I have brown eyes and brown hair, without realising that the starting point of judgments and associations related to the physical traits are brainwashing from the media, advertising and movie industries.  

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my children to have an easy life and to believe that they will be happier if they are physically perfect according to the image of perfection in our society of light eyes and blond hair.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project into my children my own frustrations, instead of correcting these judgments within me to make sure that I stop my self-interest and the manipulation towards other people's lives.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to place admiration for physical look on top of self-honesty in my relationships with males and with myself.

Self-corrective statements:

When and as I see myself perceiving blond women with light blue or green eyes as specials, mainly because in Portugal is not so common to find these physical traits, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to stand equal and one with all the other beings regardless of their physical appearance and I commit myself to stop any emotional attachments related to admiration when seeing someone that corresponds to the image of "perfection". Instead of feeding the mind, I commit myself to see/stand in common sense and beyond the limitation of brainwashing for consumerism, comparison and jealousy. 

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to discriminate people according to their physical look based on the belief that blond people with blue/green eyes are luckier, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is my own projection of inferiority by believing that I was less lucky for not being pretty and that I was rejected by others because I did not have a sweet look like an angel. I realise that I used the physical appearance as an excuse to justify my own beliefs, not allowing me to see that I was creating this experience and self-judgments in my own life. 

When and as I see myself associating the long hair and light eyes to the image of angels, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this idea of kindness and peace is not real and that these associations are a limitation because I am not allowing me to see people as equals as who we really are.

When and as I see myself looking at another being from a starting point of comparison, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understanding that the comparison pops up automatically as a defense mechanism of the mind to keep me attached to my own beliefs. Therefore, I commit myself to let these ideas go and to get to know the people without projecting my own self-judgments nor previous relationships. I realise that in order for me to know the others I must first get to know me, in self-honesty, clear from ideas, beliefs, judgments, images and memories. I commit myself to support me in being aware of my own thoughts when I am interacting with another being, responsible for stopping the patterns of thoughts/comparisons and I commit myself to forgive each and every thought that pops up in my mind.

I realise that the preference for specific physical characteristics come from the images that I saw on TV, in movies and in magazines that I associated to perfection, however I realise that once again this society found ways to make profit out of such associations to manipulate people to buy certain products such as barbies and products that are promoted by certain images. I commit myself to stop the cycle of image-manipulation, comparison, self-judgment and judgment of others within me by supporting me in stopping the thoughts and any energetic attachment and association to the differentiation of the physical look. Finally, I realise that it is ridiculous that we compare our physical bodies which have unique characteristics when what we can do it to is to change/correct ourselves through learning with each others, communicating with each and helping each other.

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