Day 155: How to Deal with Crazy Drivers on the Road

Recently while cycling I noticed the tendency of wanting to take revenge on drivers when I see them doing silly moves on the road. I feel the urge of teaching them the "lesson" of what they just did by screaming at them. I feel angry with the person and I believe that I must do something about it.

If I look at this reaction closer I see that I am the only one building up the anger within me and that I am the one creating stress inside myself. Even if the other person caused some dangerous situation that frightened me, whatever happens after it is my responsibility. It is also my responsibility to stop the reaction and give me my stability back.

Another point that I discovered is that the anger that I may feel in the road context is actually showing me something underneath. So I started asking myself: Where is this anger coming from?

My point in relation to what the driver did might be valid but the anger is not. So I also started doing an exercise of checking within me other areas of my live where I am experiencing instability, for example, is there any frustration from my work or relationship that I am projecting into this present moment?

First and foremost, I must deal with the reaction because this experience is completely dependent on me. Therefore, I decide to assist me to stop these thoughts and I forgive myself for the stressful experience that I create to myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another person when they so something silly on the road.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the urge of giving them a lesson by shouting at them or by doing the same silly thing unto them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project this situation in the mind and imagine my attitude against another.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine me taking revenge against another and to tell them that they did a mistake and that they are wrong.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to move myself from the starting point of attacking another.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to be unconditionally stable within myself, directing myself in self-awareness while cycling, and to not get distracted by the thoughts in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak with another from a starting point of punishment and superiority.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my reaction when I know that I am the one allowing the reaction to prevail within me.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself getting angry at another for something that they did on the road and to blame another for my experience of stress and fright, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that this is an automatic reaction based on seeing adults getting angry at each other on the road and that I am responsible for deciding who I want to be in these situations.

When and as I see myself blaming another for my experience and thinking that another deserves to have the same fright that I did in order to not repeat the scene, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that revenge is an emotion that only exists within me if I accept it and give value to it. I also see that imagining punishment will not solve the problem nor assist me to see the situation in common sense.

I see, realise and understand that I can direct my communication with another without reacting or participating in emotions, and that this approach is the best for both of us so that we can create an understanding about the issue and how it can be prevented in the future.

I commit myself to stop creating unnecessary stress within me by thinking that I need to give them a lesson, punish them or be mad at them. Instead, I assist myself to stop the imagination, to stand stable within me and to stand as an example of compassion, self-stability, maturity, and respect for another. I commit myself to speak with another in common sense and self-stability, without allowing the emotional reaction stepping forward. 

I commit myself to stop the ego-energy of wanting to be right on the road and to stop the belief that the other drivers are against me.

I commit myself to focus on being unconditionally stable to empower myself to be aware of myself, to be safe, and to change any automated reactions that distract me from being here. I also commit myself to create solutions for myself and to assist me interacting with others in constructive ways that are the best for all in any situation.

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Day 154: Agreement Support series: "Why won't he listen to me?"

In this post I am starting a new series where I will share points about couple relationships based on my own experience of being a woman and in an Agreement with my husband.

The question "Why is he not listening to me?" arose when I was trying to help my partner but he was closed within his own mind, not wanting to see the common sense and support that I was giving him. There are many dimensions that I could cover but the one that I find really helpful for me to understand is what I can do in such situations. Who am I going to be in the face of a possession of another?

By possession in this context I mean when another is reacting in a personality of righteousness and ego, of separation towards myself and not looking for solutions but rather focus all the attention on the problem.

There have been times in my life where I can see what another is experiencing and that I am rejected when I try to help: I am told that there is nothing that I will say that will help, or that I don't understand, or that the other wants to be alone. Until now I have taken such comments personally and ended up thinking that I was the problem, that I was the one not able to help another, and feeling powerless towards another.

Recently I faced this point and I was surprisingly stable within me, not allowing emotions to manipulate and sabotage myself. My partner was facing a big resistance to see common sense and to listen to the support that I was giving, but this time I stood next to him and not allowed myself to feel influenced by another's possession. I used to think of me as a sponge that allows other emotions and fears to penetrate into myself but now I see that the attitude of resistance and rejection of another is the green light for me to stand stable no matter what and to be determined in supporting another without waiting for an immediate effect/reward or success.

Despite this attitude within me, the next day, I wasn't so certain about my ability to stand stable and I could see my self-trust diminishing, as if during the night I had been contaminated by the words of rejection. At night, when we both sat down to talk about our relationship, something fascinating happened: my partner had reconsider his attitude, wrote about his possession and had written specific commitments to support himself and to accept my help; on the other hand, I had actually started to give up on my ability to help him and began to imagine that we would be better away from each other. During our conversation we talked with each other in self-honesty about our shared fears, our shared and individual goals, and about the emotional reactions that we both allowed ourselves to go into. During our open chat, my partner confessed that my words resonated with him and were in fact key to assist him in seeing what he was doing to himself.

Below is the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statement that I assist me in living from now on:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my ability to remain stable unconditionally despite of what my partner says to me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the imagination associated to the fear of rupture.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless to assist my partner as if I don't know him anymore. I see, realise and understand that it is my responsibility to stand for and as our agreement especially in moments where he is not trusting himself to do so.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to cloud my awareness and stability with projections of the future that is based on snap decisions and imagination.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stand stable despite the images and the fear that I see in my mind.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to remain 100% stable when I see thoughts in my mind that are not based on the present facts but it is a story that I am telling myself and a parallel life built in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to run away from people's possessions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by distrust and imagination based on the reactions I see in my partner.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that our possessions and emotions are real and to believe that the decisions taken in the mind are real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my partner's reaction and thoughts, instead of allowing myself to see the influence and to decide not to become it.

I see, realise and understand that I have first and foremost an Agreement with myself to be the best I can be, to trust myself in my Process of changing automatic reactions, and to recreate my self-stability for and by myself.

I see, realise and understand that no decisions can be taken of the mind because the backchat and the reactions do not lead to what is best for all: in fact, I see, realise and understand that such backchat is based purely on survival and fear, and so none of this is valid if we want to build a Life  that is best for both of us.

When and as I see myself distrusting my ability to stand stable in face of another's possession, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that I am responsible for any reaction, feeling or thought that I have within myself in relation to another being.

When and as I see myself imagining taking a decision in my mind when it comes to our agreement (or any decision), I stop and I breathe.

I empower myself to remain here and to not go into the mind of thoughts and imagination.

I commit myself to look at the facts in this present time and to empower my ability to see what is the best for both us, not based on emotions but in common sense and self-responsibility.

I commit myself to realise that what I see in my mind as my imagination is an automated programme that I am responsible for directing, for stopping and for changing in order to change who I am in the present moment and therefore my future.

When and as I see myself thinking that rupture is the only option to deal with our possessions, I stop  and I breathe.

I commit myself to stop the emotion and move beyond the resistance to stand as myself, to trust myself as life and to see that the entertainment of the emotions and fears is a point that I am able to stop in one breath and give me direction.

When and as I see myself wanting to be away from my partner based on the belief that I can't help him because I don't see him applying what I tell him, I stop and I breathe. In this, I see that I will not save another with my words and that I cannot expect another to change because I ask so. I see that he must be the one supporting himself in every moment and that the only way I can help him is by standing as an example to myself, by standing stable, by stopping the thoughts, the emotions, the fears, and by being present unconditionally.

I commit myself to give me time to understand what my partner is going through in his life and I assist me in taking part in the conversation from a starting point of equality and commitment to create the best solutions for both of us.

When and as I see myself thinking that the imagination is real, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to strengthen my self-stability when I am facing a mind possession by recognising that these images are in my imagination only and that I am capable of giving me direction to stop the mind and to remain always as the solution to my own self, to decide what is best for me and to give me direction.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in my relationship with my partner.

I commit myself to stand as Life when dealing with another's mind.

Finally, I commit myself to let go of the ideas, fears and imagination that I think about in the mind, and I focus on the present moment, on the information that is here and in my direction in taking decisions that are based on common sense and what is best for both of us and our Agreement.

* An Agreement is when two beings decide to walk the Process of investigating their minds to become aware of themselves and support each other to reach their utmost potential.

Recommended material:

Relationship Success Support with Agreements Facing the Reality of Self

The Best & The Worst - Relationship Success Support

Relationships and Agreements

The Power of Listening (Part 2)

Picture found on Pinterest.

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DAY 142: Why relationships escalate into conflict / boredom? How to Prevent it?

"One of the primary things in terms of conflict / boredom in relationships is that the MIND stays the SAME - being with one person, same minds...hm...perfect concoction for conflict / boredom, because previously, when you were 'single', your mind was stimulated by many different people and things most of the time... now you are exposed to ONE person, ONE mind and your one mind...all the time...with NO CHANGE..." Sunette Spies

I was reading this statement and I could relate to my own relationship with my partner. Additionally, I can also see the consequence of taking this conflict/boredom into its extreme by seeing other people's relationships falling apart. By bringing this point to myself, I see that there have been moments in my marriage/agreement where I thought that change would only arise if there was a drastic and radical change - for example, breaking up, or leaving, or not speaking with my partner - all kinds of drama scenes in movies can apply to this "need" to see change happening.

But does it really mean that I have changed?

Not at all.

Why?

Because such reactions are a sign that I am first and foremost bored with my own self; I believe that I am powerless to change the relationship, to act upon the situation, to change the other and mainly, to change myself.

These two last points are key - the belief that I am unable to change the other implies that I desire the other to change because I believe that this will make me feel better about myself. In self-honesty I see that the starting point has been of complete self-interest and not actually caring about the other and wanting the other to reach his fullest potential. I also realise that I am the only one able to change myself, to deal with my mind and create my own self-fulfilment.

Another pattern that happens within me is to get to the point of believing that I don't need to change because it is the other who is causing the instability within me. This is one of the best examples of blame and resistance to face my own mind and to investigating what is happening with myself.

Even though these moments are less frequent nowadays, whenever I go into conflict in my mind it assists me to write, to forgive the energy reaction, to forgive the blame, to forgive the resistance to speak with another, to forgive the shame of having all these reactions and thoughts, and it also assists me to listen to the Eqafe interviews for a new perspective on the point that I facing (by searching for keywords such as blame, change, hopelessness, relationship, etc.). When conflict emerges in my relationship to another it is an indicator that I have not stopped me from participating in the backchats of the mind and that I have not taken responsibility for the inner-conflict that exists within me.

A tricky example of boredom happens when I desire the reality to match an image in my mind and an idea of how things "should" be. I try to place this hologram in front of my reality but it does not fit - so it is easier to blame the reality rather than investigating the image/ idea that exists in my mind (- where did this idea come from? By whom was I influenced to believe in it? Why is this image so rigid?) which I have deliberately created for myself. It is also interesting to see that it is easier to focus on how things "should" be rather than looking at how things can be, based on practical reality and new solutions that can be applied now.

In the end of the day, I realise that I create my own hopelessness and suffering by believing that my mind is right and therefore, if my reality doesn't match it, then reality is wrong. I put pressure on me and on my partner unnecessarily because  I believe that the image in my mind will make me happy. So my happiness is dependent on an image and everything else is just wrong and is creating unhappiness.  Meanwhile, I go into judgement by thinking that what is here is not good enough - I judge me as not good enough, I judge the others as not good enough, I judge this world as not good enough, I judge my job as not good enough, I judge my career as not good enough, I judge my relationship as not good enough and I judge my life as not good enough.

Now I ask myself:

Did I ever consider that ALL that I was missing was ME? Did I ever Decide that I am Here and that I am capable of stopping the "not-good-enough" backchat? That things will not move and change if I am not willing to change myself? That my relationship with my partner will never change if I won't change my communication, my habits, my needs and beliefs? Did I ever consider that my life is stuck because I allow myself to be stuck in my own mind?

Just like Sunette described it, I realise that my mind goes easily into searching new things to think about, to get distracted by, to be motivated in order to escape from my own boredom. Time is invested in emotions, in experiences, in entertainment while the real cause of the problem (and the cause of the solution) is being missed. No matter how many new relationships I have again, how many new places I live, how many new people I meet, the same Me will be unstable unless I stop being unstable. This is the type of brutal self-honesty that is required.

Curiously enough, over the last years I haven't taken any radical change in my life but quite the opposite - my decisions are taken in greater consideration, through communicating with others, writing about it and being creative to find solutions never thought and allowed before. This has greatly assisted me in the process of creating my Self-Stability and unconditional Self-Trust. 

A self-honest decision is not a snap-decision or a reaction towards something or someone. The process of living the decision implies the commitment within oneself to change, to do things differently and to apply the decision in every moment of breath. 

I have been realising that I am the beginning and the end of my own life, meaning, that no matter what happens around me and inside me (such as emotions) I am fully responsible for it as my own creation. This also means that when I am not satisfied with something in my life, being it my job, my behaviour or my relationship with my partner, I must remind myself that I am fully responsible to change this point from this moment onwards. This is Real Self-Empowerment. This is Real Self-Change. This is Real Self-Trust. This is Real Self-Creation. This is a Real platform to build a relationship with another.

Finally, I have been also realising that I will face my mind for as long as I don't change myself - and this is actually where boredom comes from because it is tiring to see the same point coming over and over again and thinking that I am unable to change it or direct it to a different outcome. Actually, the mind works like a guidebook that shows me my thinking patterns, my habits, my addictions, my fears, my feelings and emotions, my judgements, my relationships, my ideas and my desires BUT it is up to me to RECREATE myself in order to change who I am in relation to each mind pattern and to move from reAction to creAction.

Supportive links:

https://eqafe.com/free

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

FREE Self-development course - http://lite.desteniiprocess.com 

Relationship Guidance - http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships

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DAY 121: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way?

The following points opened up after writing and re-reading the previous post: "DAY 40: From attention seeker to self-expression". 

When and as I see myself judging what I say based on the idea that the other person is judging me as an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. This "attention-seeking" definition reminds me when as a kid I started to show what I could do, but I realise that I was actually taking the other person's comment of "here you are showing off" as an attack against myself! Instead of taking the thought or even the comment personally, I commit myself to look within me at the starting point for me to share myself or share a story or show something to another.

I now see and I start realising that this judgment of being an attention-seeker is in itself a limitation, because I am "killing" my self-expression or any potential for expansion or realisation in that moment while I am communicating with another. Therefore, when and as I see myself going into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker or showing-off, I stop , I breathe and I check within me what is the starting point of what I am saying or doing. Instead of going immediately into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker, I accept and allow myself to correct my starting point and to stand in self-honesty, in self-support, equal and one with the other that is listening me and speaking to me.

When and as I see myself defining me as something that is clearly creating limitation in my reality and in my relationship to what I do and to other people, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself to realise that the self-definition became my acceptances and allowances, but that this is not unchangeable! I realise that the comfort and the perceived stability that the self-judgment brings is not real but I haven't allowed myself to be or do something differently.

I realise that, just like this world system, I got used to certain rules and beliefs because I never heard or saw something different, but that does not mean that the way things are is the best way (it clearly isn't, based on the inequality and lack of common sense that exists in this world system). The same applies to my process: if I see that the self-definitions, the self-judgments and the fears are limiting me, why would I continue attached to it? Why do I fear to step forward and walk in self-initiative to change my own relation to myself?

When and as I see myself judging the way I communicate and the way I express myself as seeking for attention, I stop and I breathe. In this moment, I can ask myself: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way? Am I being unconditional in my expression with another or am I waiting to have something back, either a comment or a look of acceptance? I realise that who I am with others must be one and equal to who I am within me, based on the same principles, motivation and self-correction.

When and as I see myself suppressing my expression, my voice and my movement based on the thought that someone is watching me and judging  me, I stop and I breathe. I assist and support myself to see that the judgment already existed within me and that I am accessing  a mind-system through another, in a projection of my own mind. In this, I commit myself to stop the thought that I am being judged by another and I bring this point to myself to see how I am judging my own body movement, voice and actions.

When and as I see myself judging my voice, my behavior and even my clothes as childish, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a self-definition that I have believed myself to be but that I never took responsibility for stopping the judgment and actually enjoy myself and express myself in absolute stability and self-confidence.

When and as I see myself wanting a response from my reality to accept that which I am doing or saying, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my reality is a mirror of what's happening inside me, therefore whatever response I am looking for outside me is that which I am not giving to myself yet. On the other hand, when and as I see myself thinking that I am being an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. I assist myself to investigate the factor behind wanting to get specific people's attention, which I see to be related to the resistance to stand firm by myself unconditionally and regardless of what others say  or do.

I commit myself to practice my stability in my communication, by slowing down and by stopping the mind in the moment. Through this, I assist and support myself to see what I am believing and defining myself to be, why I am defining as it, how I am limiting my decisions, my options and my existence Here.

I realise that if I don't stand for and by myself my expression will be reduced to my mind (world mind) of accepted and allowed do's don'ts, self-judgments and self-limitations.

I will continue investigating and writing about this point.

Artwork: "CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable

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