DAY 120: From attention seeker to self-expression

At some point in my life I started desiring to be unnoticed, to melt in the crowd and not create any waves - it was the period of my life of going with the flow, wanting to be in a group of friends and fearing to be or manifest anything "outside the normal".

After that, I started to participate in the opposite polarity, of wanting to "be different", getting fascinated with people called "alternative" and wanting to be pioneer in going to new places. One thing that I never considered was the bunch of self-judgments that I was accumulating within me, the comparisons towards others, the definitions, the ideas of right and wrong, the regret, the desire, the need of an experience, the fear of missing something. All of these layers have done something - suppressed my self-expression.

On Self-Expression, I recommend reading a recent post on the Heaven't Journey to Life, as it explains how self-expression emerges from the real-time application in the process of stepping out of the accepted limitations.  I am now seeing that by accepting and allowing the rights and wrongs, the self-judgments and the idea of I should or shouldn't be, I am limiting my self-expansion and therefore I am shutting down my self-expression. By accepting and allowing judgments within/towards me I am blocking any possibility of self-correction, because the self-definition became a prison. On the other hand, I realise that if I am able to identify the problem (the prison, the self-judgment) I am giving myself the key to open the door. Stepping out of this mind-prison is an opportunity to express myself, to recreate my action and walk the process of changing myself.

Based on my experience, I notice that self-expression and enthusiasm in the society I live in is often seen as attention-seeking. If one speaks louder, or is very active and participator can be called as "an attention seeker". But the fact that I take this judgment personally is an indicator of my relationship towards being the centre of attention - the positive and the negative of it.

Since this point is opening up, I will take this opportunity to explore how and why I judge me as an attention seeker when I am doing or saying something that is less common, what is my relationship towards another that is listening to me, how I am still suppressing my self-expression, and how can I start walking a solution of correcting this relationship I have created towards myself. I realise that regardless of what one says or things about what I do, the point that I have been missing or avoiding to face is my self-honesty. For this, I will start walking my self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me and others as attention seekers when I/others speak louder, participate or manifests enthusiasm towards something or someone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge people as attention seekers when they are speaking a lot - by bringing this point to myself I realise that I  am actually missing what the other person is saying as I am only focusing on the judgment and creating separation towards the other person. I also see that I am the one judging myself as an attention seeker when in common sense if I speak loud it is likely that another person will hear me; in this point I realise that the point that I must look at is my starting point to communicate with another.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as an attention seeker based on the idea that I speak more and I am more active than other people around me, when in fact this self-judgment only exists because I am comparing myself with the others - in this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to have comparison as a starting point to define myself as an attention seeker. In this, I see that I am defining myself in comparison to others instead of being unconditional and stable in my actions: being the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my self-expression by not standing stable within everything that I do or say. I realise that my changes of mood is often due to the energetic highs and lows of external motivation in my mind which is not who I really am as my self-direction, as Life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about what others may think of me while I am speaking, which I see is a mind-defense mechanism to create separation towards another instead of being fully present in the words I speak.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to realise that speaking with another is speaking with myself - therefore, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge meas superior when communicating with my own self.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to label people as "attention seekers" when they are comfortable in speaking in public or are in the centre of the attention. I realise that this is a projection of my own self-judgment when I am being heard for example.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that communicating and speaking with another is a form of attention-seeking, instead of  checking the origin of the self-judgment. I realise that it is the starting point that has to change, both from the one who speaks and from the other that is getting the message.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to speak with another as myself and therefore not needing to prove anything to my own self.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the judgment and fear of being an "attention "seeker is also creating self-limitation because I am not exploring other options nor allowing myself to be stable in my communication with another, as equals.

The layers are opening up and I see the memories from childhood popping up, which is an indicator that I am looking into my mind. I will continue investigating this point, the problem and the solution of self-correction.