January 29, 2014

DAY 121: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way?

The following points opened up after writing and re-reading the previous post: "DAY 40: From attention seeker to self-expression". 

When and as I see myself judging what I say based on the idea that the other person is judging me as an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. This "attention-seeking" definition reminds me when as a kid I started to show what I could do, but I realise that I was actually taking the other person's comment of "here you are showing off" as an attack against myself! Instead of taking the thought or even the comment personally, I commit myself to look within me at the starting point for me to share myself or share a story or show something to another.

I now see and I start realising that this judgment of being an attention-seeker is in itself a limitation, because I am "killing" my self-expression or any potential for expansion or realisation in that moment while I am communicating with another. Therefore, when and as I see myself going into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker or showing-off, I stop , I breathe and I check within me what is the starting point of what I am saying or doing. Instead of going immediately into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker, I accept and allow myself to correct my starting point and to stand in self-honesty, in self-support, equal and one with the other that is listening me and speaking to me.

When and as I see myself defining me as something that is clearly creating limitation in my reality and in my relationship to what I do and to other people, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself to realise that the self-definition became my acceptances and allowances, but that this is not unchangeable! I realise that the comfort and the perceived stability that the self-judgment brings is not real but I haven't allowed myself to be or do something differently.

I realise that, just like this world system, I got used to certain rules and beliefs because I never heard or saw something different, but that does not mean that the way things are is the best way (it clearly isn't, based on the inequality and lack of common sense that exists in this world system). The same applies to my process: if I see that the self-definitions, the self-judgments and the fears are limiting me, why would I continue attached to it? Why do I fear to step forward and walk in self-initiative to change my own relation to myself?

When and as I see myself judging the way I communicate and the way I express myself as seeking for attention, I stop and I breathe. In this moment, I can ask myself: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way? Am I being unconditional in my expression with another or am I waiting to have something back, either a comment or a look of acceptance? I realise that who I am with others must be one and equal to who I am within me, based on the same principles, motivation and self-correction.

When and as I see myself suppressing my expression, my voice and my movement based on the thought that someone is watching me and judging  me, I stop and I breathe. I assist and support myself to see that the judgment already existed within me and that I am accessing  a mind-system through another, in a projection of my own mind. In this, I commit myself to stop the thought that I am being judged by another and I bring this point to myself to see how I am judging my own body movement, voice and actions.

When and as I see myself judging my voice, my behavior and even my clothes as childish, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a self-definition that I have believed myself to be but that I never took responsibility for stopping the judgment and actually enjoy myself and express myself in absolute stability and self-confidence.

When and as I see myself wanting a response from my reality to accept that which I am doing or saying, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my reality is a mirror of what's happening inside me, therefore whatever response I am looking for outside me is that which I am not giving to myself yet. On the other hand, when and as I see myself thinking that I am being an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. I assist myself to investigate the factor behind wanting to get specific people's attention, which I see to be related to the resistance to stand firm by myself unconditionally and regardless of what others say  or do.

I commit myself to practice my stability in my communication, by slowing down and by stopping the mind in the moment. Through this, I assist and support myself to see what I am believing and defining myself to be, why I am defining as it, how I am limiting my decisions, my options and my existence Here.

I realise that if I don't stand for and by myself my expression will be reduced to my mind (world mind) of accepted and allowed do's don'ts, self-judgments and self-limitations.

I will continue investigating and writing about this point.

Artwork: "CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable


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