DAY 126: Headache, Despair and Stress

Usually I tend to give a context related to my life before I apply my Self-Forgiveness, however tonight I realise that the context is irrelevant since the stress point can be very wide and affect us in many different ways. Actually, I have been planning to write about a point that came up recently related to chronic stress, when I was made aware by my homeopath that I was manifesting earlier symptoms of such condition that affects both the mind and the body. Since then, I have been reading about it, I met people that went/are going through it and I have been supporting myself through writing and self-awareness, dealing with my mood changes and the polarity of excitement VS depression.

To start with, I recommend reading the "Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479" and the "Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Two): DAY 480" to understand the processes involved on the Quantum Physical level that contribute to the manifestation of chronic stress in the Mind and Body. Tomorrow I will also be sharing some perspectives on Chronic Stress during my participation at the Desteni I Process LIVE hangout.

On today's post I will apply the Self-Forgiveness on the experience of despair that I have been going through today associated to a strong headache.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel desperate when I am with a headache because of the apparent idea that I am powerless towards it to stop it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the headache to feed the fear of having a disease that could potentially be life threatening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of me as a victim of the headache without actually taking responsibility for the origin of the headache. I am aware that if exists within me it is because I have created it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the state of dispair and impacience within me when I am with a aheadache, which I see comes from the self-judgment for not being able to move myself as fast or as enthusiastic as I usually do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the headache for the discomfort I feel in my head instead of embracing myself and work with what is here in order to find the root of the pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about the headache and to blame my job for the stress that I create within me, without realising that I am distracting myself from the origin point that I must look at and take responsibility for. I notice that today, despite the strong headache throughout the whole day, I have been aware of my thoughts and therefore I can support myself to deal with the thoughts and give me direction to forgive the thoughts and realise that I am able to stop the thoughts.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hold on to thoughts about the things that I must do and then create this pressure in myself based on the fear of forgetting to do something at work or at home. I realise that this pressure can be avoided if I write down my tasks or if I simplify the task. I also have been realising that my mind tends to complicate things but when I de-constructed into smaller tasks these are not as big or complicated.

Self-Correction statements:

When and as I see myself getting stressed about having a headache, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am creating this stress dose unto myself unnecessarily because I am not supporting myself to get stable. This is actually an excellent opportunity to stand for and by myself in order to remind myself that I must stop the stress and breathe; that I must support myself unconditionally and that I am responsible for creating the headache in first place.

When and as I see myself fearing headaches based on the fear of being sick and the fear that the headache won't stop, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the headache is not something separated from me and therefore I cannot disregard it or judge it. It is actually my responsibility to cooperate with my own self so that I find what is causing the headache and I help myself through the process of changing myself.

When and as I see myself blaming my job or the people around me for the stress and despair that I am feeling, I stop the thoughts of blame and I breathe. I realise that while typing this sentence I saw the fear of failure coming up, which is a point that I have been accumulating within me with no reason. I see that the fear of failure won't avoid things to fail because I am actually not standing totally clear and unconditional in my actions, as fear corrupts self-honesty.

When and as I see myself giving in to the self-victimisation pattern when I feel pain in my head, I stop myself and I breathe. I realise that I don't have to feel/become/behave like a victim of my own headache. Instead, I can give myself direction to rest, to lay down, to slow down in order to help myself physically and, once I am stable, to help myself by walking the points in my mind manifested during/by the headache.

When and as I see myself using the headache as an excuse to be lazy or to be self-dishonest, I stop and I breathe. I realise that being self-honest is the key to support myself and that by not being self-honest I am just harming my self. For example, when and as I see myself saying to myself that I am not going to write because I have a headache, I stop and I look into the justification, I check within me why I am not going to write and in that moment I can decide to rest first and to write after, making sure that I am not running away from my responsibility to support me and change the relationship with myself - from self-judgment to self-cooperation.

Self-Correction commitments:

I commit myself to remind myself to stand stable in moments when the headache seems to be overwhelming.

I commit myself to relax, to slow myself down and to give me time to investigate what triggered the headache within me and what are the points that come up from this experience so that I can stop participating in it, walk the self-forgiveness and change the relationship with myself.

I commit myself to stop the fear of failure within me and to be calm when dealing with challenges in my life, being at work when something changes at last minute, or when new events happen in my personal/family life. I realise that I can be proactive within me to see what is the problem and to work on a solution, which occurs in common sense and self-honesty, not through reactions.

I commit myself to embrace the headache as a moment where I can only stand for myself and cooperate with my own self, to not give up on myself but to actually support me, both physically through resting and mentally by walking/investigating the layers of the mind through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Realization. I realise that only in self-stability, self-honesty and in standing by the Principle of doing what is Best for All it will be possible to recreate long-lasting solutions for myself and others, being at work, at home or in the society.

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DAY 102: Embarrassment - Losing my comfort zone at work

Today I faced some points related to the pattern of embarrassment. It is such a great coincidence that the eqafe website just released new interviews about Embarrassment - Is it really so bad? so I will definitely check it out and cross reference.

The energetic experience that I went through many of you can probably relate to. I was doing something new at work - I was actually reading a text to an audience during a presentation - and that moment got stuck in my memory after the event has finished. In my mind I thought that that moment had been terrible, that my voice was breaking, sounded too childish, my accent and my English weren't perfect. Once the event ended, a massive judgment about my performance took over me and I thought that I was being under the spotlight by my colleague's eyes. In my mind, all the event had been great apart from my intervention.

WTF! Why and how am I capable of being so hard on myself? Why on earth did I manipulate this memory in a way that focus 90 minutes of production into 5 minutes? There was so much time and dedication to make the event happening and at the end I was not even grateful for myself?

One of the origins of my judgment has to do with my eagerness to correspond to the perfection painted by the mind of what a perfect oral intervention look like. However, such image usually comes along with rehearsals, with auto-queues, with practice and none of these elements were present today. I was doing that which I usually see other people doing and I thought it was easy... Today I realised that doing it is a different story. From a positive critical point, I could have been more relaxed in my reading, I could have reduced the length of the text to help people to understand it, I could also have skipped some of the points to avoid spamming. A good learning curve for me. However, this was not the approach I had during the day.

After the presentation, I was feeling so heavy within me, I just wanted to leave the place to avoid being looked at. Probably people would not even remember my intervention but my mind has this "fascinating" ability to make my things REALLY big. It is a self-speculation that separates me from others. Now, while writing, I can actually see that it would have been a good opportunity to ask for feedback from my colleagues to improve my performance next time. Also, I realised that I could have been satisfied that after a year of doing this job I am comfortable enough to take part in the event and to manage everything by my own. None of these interesting realizations were available in my mind during the day!

So here I will start opening the point of embarrassment within me and after this I will listen to the interview to see which other points I can consider to develop confidence within me unconditionally:

Self-Forgiveness on the language point:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see the challenge of public speaking in English as something too big for me and too risky.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass an image of perfection and of maturity when speaking in English as I would usually feel when speaking in Portuguese.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel angry and frustrated within me for not being as comfortable in English as I am with the Portuguese.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to perceive public speaking as a risk for my reputation because I can easily make mistakes in English when I am not focused and when I try to go beyond what is written.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of wanting to represent success and then feel that I have failed in this mission that I imposed unto myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to play with the words and the vocabulary in English as I like to do in Portuguese. I realise that this requires practice and requires time to build the vocabulary in me, just like it took me so many years to be fully confident and comfortable with the Portuguese language.

Self-Forgiveness on the memory manipulation:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory that I created in my own mind and to hold on to it because I felt as if I had lost my comfort zone.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was going beyond my own self because I was doing something new and therefore I actually limited me in thinking that this was a big task for me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to get distracted by my own memory that keeps me locked in the past and with this I do not allow myself to move on, to learn, to correct me.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire to be strong and to let go off the past without actually looking at myself in self-honesty, investigate what is holding me back and take off the mask that I hide myself behind. I realise that I don't need to be this perfection for others and that such relationship to others and to myself is a separation. I exist here, not in the mind. So actually, this moment today was real but the memory isn't - so what is that should require my attention? Should I not rebirth from the ashes of the mind? All that the mind shows me  are the patterns that I am still holding myself to.

I will continue this point on my next blog.

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DAY 100: My relationship to entertainment - opening this point within me

Before I took the decision to stop and write, I was going to watch another episode of a series. My starting point was based on a long day of work and an escape from a headache of the mind that I was starting to feel.  I was seeing my my partner entertained with a game and I felt the anxiety of wanting to stop studying and doing something fun and relaxing, even though I was creating exactly the other polarity of stress in the thoughts of "what should" or "should not do". Now that I am writing, I am giving me my stability back.

The pattern mentioned above of using entertainment as an escape is old - meaning, I realise that is has been within me for awhile, since school time where I saw entertainment/play as a reward after study. Nowadays, the same relationship with entertainment still exists however the time for games and relaxation is shorter than in childhood, so another pattern emerged: the accumulation of desire for entertainment and "free time".  After the daily 8 hours (sometimes more) at work, I have committed myself to continue studying for a Masters which I am now on my first year.

Yesterday, I realised an immense anxiety when I read the list of my assignments' deadlines, like an attack of fear of not making and the backchat of "it is too much at the same time". In my mind,I read the desire to go on holiday again to let go of all the various projects that I am involved. But then I ask myself: Do I want to run away from myself all my life? Is this real tiredness or am I sabotaging my own commitments?

In self-honesty, I do want to live all my commitments, not only the MA but also my daily writing, the DIP, the married life, the physical rest, my friendships and sports. So the feeling and anxiety of overwhelmingness is an indicator of a point that I must support myself to organise my daily life in a way that is viable, is fun and I express and expand myself in everything that I do.

But where does my need for entertainment come from?

Let me have a  look at that what is that watching a series gives me that I am not giving to myself by default:

• usually watching a series is a sign of having done all my other tasks and so there is a moment of "freedom" in my daily schedule to simply watch others on the screen;
• watching a series fills in a break when I arrive home after work, just before I start my other tasks such as the study or my writings;
• a postponement that is covered by an apparent calmness
•  a distraction from my own thoughts and a distraction of myself, because I am focused on another's life and therefore I don't judge me nor make mistakes. At the same time, I see that I am not creating anything either, I am only being an observer of other characters.
• The comfort of seeing the characters finding always a solution for their problems
• It gives me motivation to watch the next one because I want to follow the story; it feeds me curiosity about their story

So now, by bringing these points to myself, I can ask myself how am I participating in the other polarity in relation to my own life/story? Why do I participate in the resistance of facing and transcending my own problems, as if I want to keep me in a time-loop without understanding my own mind, instead of moving forward, finding solutions to myself and being curious to know me and my potential as Life? Why am I not creating myself for the best of me in everything that I do, without labeling my actions as "highs" or "lows"? Can I not read my university deadlines in absolute stability and confident that I am going to manage my time accordingly?

At the moment, I am grateful that I stopped the urge to watch the series and directed me to write, stopping the indecision of the mind as to "what should I do". Writing-self is a point of direction to stop, clarify the headache of the mind and start again, prioritizing my responsibilities and doing the best with the time that I have. Luckily my job does not imply bringing work home so it depends on me to manage the 5 hours in the evening to my self-commitments.

On my next blog I will write the self-forgiveness on the need for external entertainment, which is a point of separation.

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DAY 83 - We Must Motivate Ourselves

What does the need for motivation tell me about my acceptances and allowances?

This week I've seen this need in my thoughts regarding two different situations in my current reality: the need for motivation at work and the need for motivation to walk my Process. The motivation at work was projected towards the management, by thinking that I need to be motivated by them to do my job and there was this desire of listening to some nice and cool sentences to make sense of my effort (silly hum?). As for the motivation in my Process, this resonated when I was reading Cerise's blog where she wrote "He is not here to motivate us anymore - we must motivate ourselves." I realised that I associated Bernard Poolman to a source of motivation in the sense that his explanations were so clear that I had no doubt as to why I am walking this Process and why/how this is the best for me and the best for Humanity. So with him passing away, I faced the obvious - no more motivation from Bernard and Joana, you must stand up, stand clear and certain for yourself!

When I put these thoughts into writing I start seeing what I have been accepting and allowing, which is a form of slavery and dependency to move myself, to dedicate myself and to do my/the best. What I also see is that by separating myself from my self-motivation and my self-direction, I go into a state of dissatisfaction and I judge me as not being good enough because I don't establish this certainty within me of what I am doing and why I am doing it, and of course, I haven't allowed myself to be certain that I do it for myself and that I am the only one responsible for my Process Here.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to need motivation as an energy separated from me which is in fact an illusion and a form of energy-addiction to give me purpose in self-interest and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the need for motivation at work and therefore to use this to justify my lack of self-direction, lack of consistency and lack of responsibility to decide for myself what I am doing, how and why I am doing it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to do the easy thing which is to blame management for not providing the motivation that my mind requires, instead of looking at this situation in self-honesty and take the decision, once and for all, to change my relationship to motivation and my relationship to my work in order to live everyday in self-commitment to everything that I do, to live the commitment of breathing at work, to live the commitment of deciding what is best for me at work, to live the commitment to trust myself in my actions at work, to live the commitment of transcending resistances at work, to live the commitment of walking points at work and to not see work as a separate reality from my Process.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that without the energy of motivation (either based on the idea of success or the money motivation) it means that something is wrong and that I am being passive about my Life. I now see, realise and understand that this judgment is based on the idea that without  a higher motivation I am going to get bored and I am going to lose my enthusiasm, when in fact this energy-motivation is actually killing me and harming my body stability. I also realise that self-honest motivation is the motivation to keep on walking, to be constantly stable in what I say and do and ultimately to stand alone in complete self-trust as Life.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on Bernard's presence in the Forum to motivate me/us and to give us reasons to not give up, instead of taking his words and live the commitment of walking them, without waiting to be said what to do. I realise that Bernard Poolman is and was the Principles of Life and any other definition that I give him (as a motivator, guide, father) is not required because it has always been up to me to become that which I have projected towards Bernard and  all that I wanted him to be.

Self-Corrective Statements

I give me now the opportunity to be aware of what my thoughts/needs of the mind show me so that I can see and work on myself to give me these points in my daily self-correction. So when and as I see myself desiring to have a manager that motivates me and gives me reasons to continue my job, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to not participate in desires and needs separated from myself and therefore I commit myself to stop being dependent on another's mind and presence. Instead, I allow myself to become the unconditional motivation as self-direction, to continue walking my process at work, to learn with myself, to become more efficient, to be perfectionist in a way that is best for me, without wanting to fit someone else's idea of perfection which would result in self-abuse by for example working many hours to correspond to the idea of commitment disregarding my own self. I realise that if I stand in self-motivation, then there is no such thing as self-abuse, because I guide myself, I direct myself and I decide what is possible to be done and how it is going to be done in a way that is best for All.

When and as I see myself thinking that I will miss Bernard's motivation to move myself in my process and to be focused on my daily application, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the need for motivation of the mind is irrelevant because in fact all I must do to Be Here is to Breathe Here and Be Self-Honest Here, which I can only do these for myself. I also realise that despite the words that Bernard could write us or tell us it is always my responsibility to realise these words and live them in my practical daily living.

When and as I see myself thinking of self-motivation as an enthusiasm based on a sentence that someone tells me or a thought of the future or an image that corresponds to an idea of perfection, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this motivation is energy-based which is not real - the fact that I feel "less" and inferior when such motivation does not exist, it means that I went to the negative polarity and in my mind I am expecting someone or something to feed the positive energy, and therefore believe that I need an external motivation to keep on going. By stopping and Breathing, I commit myself to stand stable as each breath I take in and to stand stable in each breath that I give out. I commit myself to stop the energy-motivation associated to another being and I support myself, step by step, to start creating my self-direction based on the Principles of Life that Bernard is/was: Self-Honesty, Oneness, Equality, Best for All and Common Sense. 

In essence, my motivation as Life is in standing as the Principles of Life in everything I speak and do. I also see that a Self-Honest enthusiasm is based on the Principles of Life manifested within and as Self-Expression. Again, no energy, no separation, no images and no needs of the mind.

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