Very
recently I noticed a strong emotional attachment manifested towards people very close to me when I started having thoughts about a plane crash caused by the storm that day. The emotional reaction was manifested in an extreme
anxiety, nervousness, impatience and physical unfocus on what I was doing. I
decided to stop myself, sit down and start typing Self-Forgiveness statements
about the thoughts and fears that I was experiencing inside me.
I am grateful
for taking the decision to stop and to deal with the energetic fear of the mind in that
moment and not accumulate the point within me.
I looked at
the emotions related to the fear of losing people that are dear to me.
Underneath the first layers, I started to see points of comparison, judgments,
self-judgments, guilt, regret, needs, acceptances and hopes in my relationship
to them. The "magic" of self-forgiveness is that the points are brought to myself, and in that moment I could see these exact same points existing towards my own self (but being projected unto others).
I now see
that starting the self-forgiveness was just the beginning of that which is a
big point within me that I am still walking. I realise the point of standing stable alone, as an
individual pillar of my own life.
The
inner-threat of losing people close to me triggered a self-sabotage point in a
very specific moment of my life, when I have to take decisions that also affect
other people and that it might not be that which I am expected to say or do. A
good analogy is the moment when I say No to alcohol against all the odds
because all my family, most of my friends and probably the majority of society
drinks, even though it is a drug. I can explain all the consequences of it but
some people are not willing to hear because alcohol became a habit, a point of
comfort and a "solution" without seeing the long-term consequences.
The point that I am facing in my life is based on a growing awareness within me
in regards to what is supportive and what is not, and the point of being responsible for what I accept and allow
inside and outside me.
I am
realising that if I don't stand as my decision of not accepting and allowing
certain things in my words and actions, the point of staggering will continue,
because I am not living my decision in absolute certainty. If I don't clearly
state that "I don't drink alcohol", people will still attempt to
offer me a glass of wine. My decision is never dependent on others and my lack
of application is never to blame others. Even when they know, they will
probably still try to offer me a glass of wine so that I join the group and
they feel good about themselves (self-interest). All I must do is to stand
stable within my self-awareness and self-correction based on the realisation of the
consequences of my decisions and not allow myself to be manipulated by emotions
(either mine or theirs), which happens when I am not assertive and loyal to my
own decision to do and say that which I accept and allow in/for my life.
On my next post I will expand on the point of taking decisions to appreciate others.
Artwork by Andrew Gable
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