January 30, 2014

DAY 122: Being the pillar of my own life in my decision-making

Very recently I noticed a strong emotional attachment manifested towards people very close to me when I started having thoughts about a plane crash caused by the storm that day. The emotional reaction was manifested in an extreme anxiety, nervousness, impatience and physical unfocus on what I was doing. I decided to stop myself, sit down and start typing Self-Forgiveness statements about the thoughts and fears that I was experiencing inside me. 

I am grateful for taking the decision to stop and to deal with the energetic fear of the mind in that moment and not accumulate the point within me.
I looked at the emotions related to the fear of losing people that are dear to me. Underneath the first layers, I started to see points of comparison, judgments, self-judgments, guilt, regret, needs, acceptances and hopes in my relationship to them. The "magic" of self-forgiveness is that the points are brought to myself, and in that moment I could see these exact same points existing towards my own self (but being projected unto others).

I now see that starting the self-forgiveness was just the beginning of that which is a big point within me that I am still walking. I realise  the point of standing stable alone, as an individual pillar of my own life.

The inner-threat of losing people close to me triggered a self-sabotage point in a very specific moment of my life, when I have to take decisions that also affect other people and that it might not be that which I am expected to say or do. A good analogy is the moment when I say No to alcohol against all the odds because all my family, most of my friends and probably the majority of society drinks, even though it is a drug. I can explain all the consequences of it but some people are not willing to hear because alcohol became a habit, a point of comfort and a "solution" without seeing the long-term consequences. The point that I am facing in my life is based on a growing awareness within me in regards to what is supportive and what is not, and the point of being  responsible for what I accept and allow inside and outside me.

I am realising that if I don't stand as my decision of not accepting and allowing certain things in my words and actions, the point of staggering will continue, because I am not living my decision in absolute certainty. If I don't clearly state that "I don't drink alcohol", people will still attempt to offer me a glass of wine. My decision is never dependent on others and my lack of application is never to blame others. Even when they know, they will probably still try to offer me a glass of wine so that I join the group and they feel good about themselves (self-interest). All I must do is to stand stable within my self-awareness and self-correction based on the realisation of the consequences of my decisions and not allow myself to be manipulated by emotions (either mine or theirs), which happens when I am not assertive and loyal to my own decision to do and say that which I accept and allow in/for my life.

On my next post I will expand on the point of taking decisions to appreciate others.

 Artwork by Andrew Gable


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