Today I
faced who I have been within a reaction - my old me that I visited again: I was
nervous, stressed, could not think properly, I wanted to blame another and,
despite of all the signs, I still wanted to justify this state of mind. This time, however, there was a moment where
the energy of the reaction was so deliberately strong that made me stop and see
what I was doing to myself. Being aware of the pattern of reaction within me
supported me to slow down and take a decision: the decision to
not allow this consequence in my Life anymore - the decision to become the
solution instead of feeding the problem - The decision to change who I am in the Present and, therefore, my Future.
So what was
the problem?
The problem
was that I could not find my tube card - for about 2 minutes I searched for it
while trying to call my husband to check if he knew where the card was. After
about 5 minutes I went into the experience of rush because I would be late for
work. I kept on trying to contact my husband but he did not pick up. I was literally on my own and it became clear
that no one else could help me: the same
way that giving in into the mind-reaction in blame, anger and
self-victimisation was also my creation. I noticed that it has been a long time
since the last time I went into this stressful state of "fighting against
the clock" and having my plans being delayed by an unexpected issue. It
was also being accumulated by other small points that now seemed to be
extremely big and justifying my belief of self-victimisation.
The
Solution:
I decided to
leave a voice mail on my husband's phone and in that moment I noticed the anger
in my voice and the energy came up in a hiccup. In that moment, I dropped the
call and I stopped - I physically stopped myself in the room and took a breath.
I said to myself something like: "this situation is unacceptable - I am
creating this experience to myself, I see that. I must become my solution.
Blaming another for taking my card is not helping in any way so why do I do it?
Instead, what can I actually do at the moment to make sure that I leave on time
for work?" From this moment, the
whole scene changed. Instead of feeding the blame towards my husband, I
directed my attention into a practical solution. Interestingly enough, I opened
up my wallet again and I saw a backup card that I could use for the train too!
Before, I remember to check my wallet and I could not see it even though it was
there all the time! This says a lot about the whole blindness driven by the
blame and reaction projected onto other people.
The reward:
The
unexpected experience that before could have potentially conditioned and
limited my day, I realise that it was a transcendance point within me that I
was able to understand where it was coming from and how I could change myself
and my reality. The deliberate change of attitude towards my reaction can work
as a future reference to keep on applying my self-correction in every moment.
When my
husband called me back a few minutes later, I could still recognise the traces
of blame and anger in my communication even though I had already found a
solution. In the end, my husband informed me that unfortunately the card had
been left in his jacket's pocket by
mistake, and I reacted again. So additional points that I must look at are: - why do I want the other to see that I am reacting?
What is reaction going to do to the other? Why do I believe that by reacting
with another this is going to prevent the same point happening in the future?
When I left
the bus I was physically stable within me, walking firm in my decision to not
allow this experience to define the rest of my day. I took the tube and I wrote
about this experience, about the point of blame, the spitefulness of reacting
towards another in my communication and the desire to blame the other to
justify the emotional energy, instead of stopping the reaction within me. I
then realised that the reaction is of the past and of the present, but not
necessarily of the future as long as I don't create/feed it. In self-honesty,
it is my responsibility to become aware of the reaction, to breathe through the
energy, to stop it from being projected and to release in from within, through
self-forgiveness, breathing, writing and living the decision to breakthrough a
pattern that otherwise could easily contaminate me and the reality around me.
The old-reaction pattern was for the first
time replaced by a real-time change in the way I saw the problem, I saw the
solution and I decided to become it - embracing the New me that I am responsible for creating.
Art work by JL Kenney
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