March 01, 2014

DAY 124: From Reaction to Understanding... and finally the commitment to Change

Something happened at work and I started building up a reaction within me. I felt that I had been thrown under the bus because I had not been informed about all the details of the task ahead.
I could see the thoughts, I could see the blame towards another, I could feel the anxiety in my body - regardless of all these indications, I projected my reaction onto another..

The problem:
I believed that this reaction was real and that I had the right to be angry. I accepted and allowed myself to be the victim and therefore I behaved as such. In that moment, I gave in to the mind and allowed the spin of thoughts to bombard my reality, manifested in my tone of voice, my body movement, my resistance to hear another person's explanations, the desire to be recognised as "right". I could see the righteousness mood in me, based on the belief that I was right and the other was wrong, that I could have done things differently and that the other was to blame.

In all of this internal hurricane there was no time or will for self-forgiveness. I was full with thoughts and reactions and, even though I just wanted to leave the place, I also wanted to stay, under the pressure of speaking up and making sure that my  point was heard.

At night, I opened up these points in a chat with my husband and by then I was open to hear him. His perspective was clear, in common sense and supported me to see what I had just created inside of me and in my reality. He was telling me the truth that I had not given myself the time and the space to tell to myself - even though I knew it. 
It was clear now that I had seen the problem but I had ignored the solution. I could have stopped the reaction within me but, under the mind effect I thought that I had to put it out for the world to see that I was angry and that things were not OK. That I was not OK.
But why?
Now I ask myself: - why do I want others to know that I am not OK. Will that help me? How can others help me if I am not even willing to help myself, to understand myself, to forgive myself and to change the relationship with my own self?

My husband asked me: Why did you not communicate with your team that you needed help? 
The point of communication was something that I did not consider. In my mind I thought that I should know something and that, because I did not know what to do, I thought I was the problem (which was not far from the point but I was judging myself instead of investigating the root of the problem)!

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to build up the energetic reaction within me and to feed it with the idea and belief that I am a victim in the whole story.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stop in the moment and to breathe until I stabilise myself.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would feel better after I put my thoughts out so that the other recognises my point.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want the other to feel guilty about what has done, which I now see that I was being spiteful and mean.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my reaction can stop when I see the reward of "being right" when in self-honesty there is nothing to be proud of in the patterns of blame and righteousness.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the one feeding and participating in these patterns and therefore I am responsible for creating separation towards another being.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that if I had stayed silence the other would repeat this point - now I see that this situation is not new and that I cannot change another. The only thing that I can change is me and my relationship to myself and to the world/others.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to say that I did not know something, but instead tried to hide my lack of knowledge. I realise that I put too much effort into covering things up instead of being direct about what is really going on, without going into the reaction or self-judgment.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as the problem for not knowing how to do something at work and to project the problem towards others, instead of first dealing with my own self-judgment, stop it and then raise awareness for the lack of communication in the team.

When and as I see myself in a situation that is new to me and that I start blaming another for placing me in such place, I stop the blame and I breathe. Instead of trying to justify my own reaction I see that I can simply stop, speak with another and understand what is the plan and what I should do in that new situation.

I realise that the reason why I did not ask for help was because I thought that would be a sign of failure and because I thought that I should be able to know what to do. However, it is not a problem not to know something because I can ask to those that know/the people involved in the project for longer.

When and as I see myself putting pressure on me to get a solution magically without actually knowing what to do, I stop this idea that "I must know" and I simply investigate, I speak with those that know and I gather the information that is required for me to understand the problem and to know its solution.

When and as I see myself speaking all the thoughts that run wild in my mind in deliberate spitefulness and blame towards another, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am responsible for stopping the spitefulness within me and this world.

When and as I see myself building up a reaction, the self-distrust and sense of powerlessness because I don't know something, I stop the reaction and I breathe. I realise that my self-trust must not come from any knowledge but from the realisation that I stand for myself no matter what, and that I am my own solution to whatever happens inside me, being it thoughts, reactions, nervousness, the voice tonality and the physical tiredness.

I realise that I must not fall into the mind of fear and self-judgment but that each moment is an opportunity for me to recreate myself outside of my programme and start speaking in pure common sense. I realise that saying that I don't know when I am not familiar with something it is an opportunity to be humble and to stand confident unconditionally. I realise that I don't define myself by the knowledge I have. Therefore, instead of using my knowledge as a way to promote myself, I can and must apply my understanding of how my mind works in my current daily job and be practical to find/create my own solutions.

Self-corrective statements:
I commit myself to deliberately stop the reaction within me and to make the decision to not participate in the reaction anymore. I realise that I am creating my own physical exhaustion and physical self-destruction, which is unacceptable in my process of becoming LIFE, not giving in to Death.

I commit myself to embrace the moment when I feel unstable and to realise that this is the moment where I live the decision to empower myself by creating myself differently, not within reaction or blame, but within self-awareness, self-reconciliation, self-respect, patience, care and understanding. 

I commit myself to understand what is going on in that specific situation at work, the lack of information and the miscommunication , and from this point I lead the process of creating a solution where each people involved can participate and is empowered to do so. I realise that blame and guilt are destructive elements whereas self-honesty and equality (all equally responsible) is empowering. Once this is understood, our common direction will lead to solutions.

I commit myself to not allow myself being spiteful nor to behave in spitefulness, as none of this leads to solution - only separation and conflict.

I commit myself to keep my reality simple without the idea that I should know something that will save the whole situation - instead, I realise that each one is equally responsible for the mess of that situation (and this world) and therefore I will stand by the principle of focusing on a solution, within me (e.g. where does the reaction come from) and in my external reality. For that, I will communicate with the others openly, without judgement, without blame, without righteousness, and I investigate until I am satisfied with the information that I have, so that I can actually participate as the solution.

I commit myself to stop the blame towards another whenever I feel myself as the victim - I realise that this is a self-judgment and that I am the one defining me as the victim and feed the circle of self-limitation each time I blame another. My self-stability is never dependent on another's words or actions, because I decide who I am and who I want to be in my existence in this world. If I believe that I am a victim, I will behave as such. Therefore, I commit myself to stand equal to another and realise that each of us is an individual responsible for one's words and actions.

I commit myself to stand stable in my decision to not blame another, to not feel guilty, to not accept being a victim of my own mind/reactions or a victim of others.
I commit myself to invest my energy and time into bringing about the solution, in my thoughts, words and deeds.

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