January 12, 2014

DAY 119: Self-Forgiveness on Staying in bed

Despite my recent written commitment to wake up for and by myself, I stayed in bed today - this was a deliberate self-dishonesty because even if I felt physically tired I could have simply started the day slowly, but awake. Instead, I pressed snooze on my phone and let it stay in this mode for about one hour. The consequence was the rush and pressure that I put on myself since I had an appointment later in the morning.
It was cool to be aware of the reactions within me and to do my best in being efficient with the short time I had, however, I know that I can recreate a better reality for myself, stress-free.
The main point to look at was the deliberate sabotage that I went through in the morning: I was aware of my commitment but I did not apply my self-will. Therefore I will continue forgiving myself until I am clear on this point, I test it and I change:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this internal fight between wanting to stay in the comfort of my bed and wanting to live my commitment of waking up in self-direction. I realise that if I created this fight I am the one able to fix it. In self-honesty I see that my lack of self-direction to wake up was based on the excuse that it is Saturday and that I "can" stay in bed because apparently there is no work responsibility of waking up at a certain time. It is exactly in this moment that I see if my commitment is real and if it is unconditional. Therefore, 
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to live my commitment of waking up once my alarm rings everyday, including weekends. I have been realising that 7 hours of sleep is currently the number of hours that my body requires to rest and that after this time I am recharging my mind because I am feeding the fight of waking up VS staying in bed that I created to myself in first place. I also realise that regardless of the number of hours of sleep, the moment I wake up must be unconditional, breathe by breathe, in one decision - my self-direction and self-commitment are unconditional. 
I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to create rush in my own self/body and put pressure on my body to move fast because I have limited the time available for my actions.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separated from my decision to wake up at a certain time. This conflict within me reminds me the arguments I had (and still have) with my mum because I wanted to wake up early but my mum would insist that I needed to sleep more.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I must stay in bed a little bit longer because I went to bed late the night before.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired during the day if I wake up early in the morning. In this, I see that if I get tired I can rest or stop for a moment since it is the weekend, however based on my experience once I wake up I am able to stay awake for many hours in a row.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thinking about excuses for me to stay in bed instead of moving myself physically to transcend the resistance to direct myself. I realise that if I move myself physically and if I am aware of my breath I will not give in to the energy/thoughts of the mind.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own indiscipline in relation to my commitments - I realise that I don't take my commitments seriously.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my commitment of waking up in the morning as I had planned the night before.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stick with my plan and to have accepted to go into a "workaround" justifying why I changed the plan and stayed in bed. I realise that I can make my reality easier if I trust myself and if I live the agreement I did with myself.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think "I can stay in bed a little bit longer because I can get dressed and ready in a rush", without seeing, realising and understanding that I am creating my own experience of rush/stress instead of standing as an example of commitment, dedication and stability towards myself/my actions.

In addition to the self-corrective statements written yesterday:
I commit myself to stick to common sense: if I decide something in the evening but in the morning I don't stick with the plan, in common sense I see that the problem is not the plan but my attitude towards it that has changed based on how I feel in the morning. In this, I am aware that feelings are not real because they change from night to day and feelings are not trustworthy. I also see that this is a mind-pattern of wanting to give up on my own decision and to take the easy way which is to leave the habits as they are, instead of moving myself through the resistance and rediscover me in my decision to wake up in self-direction, for and by myself, and start the day stable within me, giving me time to write and eat in the morning for example. 
I realise that by sticking to my agreement of waking up early at the time I have set to be the best for me I am re-establishing my relationship to all my tasks and commitments throughout the day, not accepting less than what I am able of doing with the time I have.

While writing the self-forgiveness I had this memory of a story that I read in the primary school about this child that was describing her morning and it consisted of waking up, getting dressed, having breakfast, doing the homework and then leaving to school. It was quite shocking for me to think of having time in the morning to sit down to do my homework, since my mornings were always stressful: looking at the clock, eating quickly (later in secondary school skipped the early breakfast), dressing on my way to the door and leaving to take a ride from my dad or a friend. My day has always started in a state of rush that I learned how to cope with so that I could be stable in the classroom and "forget" the morning run. It is funny that I am "haunted" by these memories and I notice physical reactions in my body while writing these words. Tomorrow I  will do the exercise recommended in the Journey Into the Afterlife and I  will focus on How I am experiencing myself in the moment I wake up and check what is the emotion associated and continue investigating this personality system.


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