Despite
my recent written commitment to wake up for and by myself, I stayed in bed today - this was a deliberate
self-dishonesty because even if I felt physically tired I could have simply
started the day slowly, but awake. Instead, I pressed snooze on my phone and
let it stay in this mode for about one hour. The consequence was the rush and
pressure that I put on myself since I had an appointment later in the morning.
It was cool
to be aware of the reactions within me and to do my best in being efficient
with the short time I had, however, I know that I can recreate a better reality
for myself, stress-free.
The main
point to look at was the deliberate sabotage that I went through in the
morning: I was aware of my commitment but I did not apply my self-will.
Therefore I will continue forgiving myself until I am clear on this point, I
test it and I change:
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this internal fight
between wanting to stay in the comfort of my bed and wanting to live my
commitment of waking up in self-direction. I realise that if I created this
fight I am the one able to fix it. In self-honesty I see that my lack of
self-direction to wake up was based on the excuse that it is Saturday and that
I "can" stay in bed because apparently there is no work
responsibility of waking up at a certain time. It is exactly in this moment
that I see if my commitment is real and if it is unconditional. Therefore,
I
forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to live my commitment
of waking up once my alarm rings everyday, including weekends. I have been realising that 7 hours of sleep is currently the number of hours that my
body requires to rest and that after this time I am recharging my mind because
I am feeding the fight of waking up VS staying in bed that I created to myself
in first place. I also realise that regardless of the number of hours of sleep, the moment I wake up must be unconditional, breathe by breathe, in one decision - my self-direction and self-commitment are unconditional.
I forgive
myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to create rush in my
own self/body and put pressure on my body to move fast because I have limited
the time available for my actions.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separated
from my decision to wake up at a certain time. This conflict within me reminds
me the arguments I had (and still have) with my mum because I wanted to wake up
early but my mum would insist that I needed to sleep more.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I must stay in bed
a little bit longer because I went to bed late the night before.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired
during the day if I wake up early in the morning. In this, I see that if I get
tired I can rest or stop for a moment since it is the weekend, however based on
my experience once I wake up I am able to stay awake for many hours in a row.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thinking about excuses for me to
stay in bed instead of moving myself physically to transcend the resistance to direct myself. I
realise that if I move myself physically and if I am aware of my breath I will
not give in to the energy/thoughts of the mind.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own indiscipline in relation to my commitments - I realise that I
don't take my commitments seriously.
I forgive
myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my commitment of
waking up in the morning as I had planned the night before.
I forgive
myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stick with my plan and to
have accepted to go into a "workaround" justifying why I changed the plan and
stayed in bed. I realise that I can make my reality easier if I trust myself
and if I live the agreement I did with myself.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think "I can stay in bed
a little bit longer because I can get dressed and ready in a rush",
without seeing, realising and understanding that I am creating my own experience of rush/stress instead of standing as an
example of commitment, dedication and stability towards myself/my actions.
In addition
to the self-corrective statements written yesterday:
I commit
myself to stick to common sense: if I decide something in the evening but in
the morning I don't stick with the plan, in common sense I see that the problem
is not the plan but my attitude towards it that has changed based on how I feel
in the morning. In this, I am aware that feelings are not real because they change from night to day and feelings are not trustworthy. I also see that this is a mind-pattern of wanting to
give up on my own decision and to take the easy way which is to leave the
habits as they are, instead of moving myself through the resistance and
rediscover me in my decision to wake up in self-direction, for and by myself,
and start the day stable within me, giving me time to write and eat in the
morning for example.
I realise that by sticking to my agreement of waking up early at the time I have set to be the best for me I am re-establishing my relationship to all my tasks and commitments throughout the day, not accepting less than what I am able of doing with the time I have.
While
writing the self-forgiveness I had this memory of a story that I read in the
primary school about this child that was describing her morning and it
consisted of waking up, getting dressed, having breakfast, doing the homework
and then leaving to school. It was quite shocking for me to think of having
time in the morning to sit down to do my homework, since my mornings were
always stressful: looking at the clock, eating quickly (later in secondary school
skipped the early breakfast), dressing on my way to the door and leaving to take a
ride from my dad or a friend. My day has always started in a state of rush that
I learned how to cope with so that I could be stable in the classroom and
"forget" the morning run. It is funny that I am "haunted"
by these memories and I notice physical reactions in my body while writing
these words. Tomorrow I will do the
exercise recommended in the Journey Into the Afterlife and I will focus on How I am experiencing myself in the moment I
wake up and check what is the emotion associated and continue investigating this personality system.
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