DAY 139: Swimming in emotions and how it affects my day-to-day living

- "Why wasn't I able to stop the emotions?"

- "It's not that you were not able Jo - it's simply that you didn't..." (Excerpt from a chat with Sunette)

This lake of emotions is now clear to me but the only reason I could see that I was not stable was because of the consequences of emotions in the various areas of in my life - for example, I have been reactive towards people and towards events when things don't go as planned; I have also been physically exhausted and at the same time with difficulty to sleep; my physical expression and intimacy with my partner seems to be blocked; and, ultimately, my ability to take decisions went down the drain.

Regarding the last point, I haven't allowed myself to take direction in this current of emotions. As a result, I haven't been able to stop thinking about certain points in my reality without actually deciding upon a solution - my mind is hooked in the same thoughts without any productive outcome whatsoever! Just like Anu explained in his interview "How to Make Choices", it is not possible to take a clear decision in such a cloudy emotional environment - I am literally unable to see the various options, the dimensions to consider and the solution in common sense. 

This "swimming in emotions" is indicating that I am accepting emotions inside of me for a longer period of time than is necessary without standing within a decision inside myself to direct them and instead look for practical solutions. Physically, I have been facing the consequences of the emotional energy effect on my body - not only feeling exhausted, but also had an urinary infection that required antibiotics, a couple of red spots on my face, an allergic reaction and burning sensation in my left ear (Inner Self) and some articulation blockage for a few seconds on my left index finger and on my right big toe. I thought that sports would assist me in reducing stress, however this time I was also reactive in sports and I was allowing myself to be fearful and imagining that I would hurt myself.

Mentally, I see that the more I participate in the thoughts and I believe in the thoughts and emotions to be real, the more I go into this state of directionless because all my attention and resources go into the emotion so there is no energy left for self/for my physical action and for solutions to myself. I can also see the domino effect playing out, whereby I start imagining all the other areas of my life going into chaos and failure, creating even more stress and anxiety within myself. For example, I had a problem with my internet at home and, since then, that other problems unfolded simply because I wasn't able to direct the other things as I would normally do - the reaction became a virus that I manifested whenever something didn't work. If I had not participated in the first reaction, that would have potentially worked as an example to myself to apply in the other areas of my life. Even if I had participated in the first reaction, that must not be an excuse to justify the next reactions. 

Stopping the emotions is a decision and, as with any decision, I must practice it and apply myself in every moment so that change happens.

This is my commitment as of today, this moment, now.

I am aware that the energy build-up had happened and I am still recovering from it so I must not be hard on myself in terms of trying to fight the thoughts and the emotions. As Sunette says, initially I won't be able to NOT go into thoughts and emotions AT ALL - my main focus is to when I see I am thinking too much and in a state of emotion, I take responsibility. Meaning, I write out the emotion and I forgive myself until I am stable.

Also, I must not believe that the emotions will go away by themselves because there is no magic in the process - I take self-responsibility, I face the emotion, I understand where the emotion comes from and I let it go through self-forgiveness. Sports by itself won't help unless I make sure that I create my self-stability first, which is only possible through writing because I slow my mind, I stop participating in the emotional energy and I am able to see the problem and the solution for myself. The imagination is still active in my mind and I dreamed a lot last night again, but instead of believing it to be real, I will investigate the patterns, the fears, the desires, and I let the images go.

By taking responsibility for the emotion that exists within me, I start the process of correcting myself and changing myself.

I am grateful for having the support of the Desteni buddies to assist me in my Process and in reminding me of being Assertive with myself and Standing Up for myself. The fact that we have regular chats has definitely supported me in opening up this point and understanding what was going on over the last two weeks. I will now do my "homework" and write the list of emotions I've experienced since the point opened up and do some sounding of self forgiveness until I feel stable.

More on this to come in my next blog.

Resources:

Heaven's Journey To Life

How to Make Choices - Reptilians - Part 137

What does it Mean to Stand Up - Reptilians' Support - Part 175

Life Review - Acceptance and Allowance vs. The Decision

Desteni Lite FREE course

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DAY 132: From Planning to actually Doing

I am noticing a pattern within me of planning an ideal scenario in my mind (the positive) but ending up becoming frustrated with myself when things go in a different way (the negative polarity). This is manifested in the big decisions that I take in life, whereby the panning of it was of immense enthusiasm and dedication but, when the time comes to walk the decision, I am not allowing myself to be stable and consistent in my application. Many of these projects take years to complete, such as building a specific career or in becoming fully comfortable in speaking another language. Walking this Process, a career path, or any decision is an accumulation of actions done throughout a period of time, so imagining things done or ready from one moment to the next is not realistic.

In many of my points and experiences, I notice that there is a resistance to be stable and consistent in my responsibilities. I tent to jump from the plan to the idea of how I would like the end-result to be.... Obviously there is a gap in between, which should be filled by the process of walking the decision practically. In addition to that, in order to walk the decision unconditionally, I must also let go the desire of finishing something because I have not even started! Instead of hanging myself to the hope and imagination, I can enjoy much more if I walk each action at a time, adjusting, correcting, testing and perfecting myself in my actions.

I can see this pattern manifested in my sports lessons, whereby I imagine the end of it rather than being present/moving myself in each exercise. I tend to imagine the relief of finishing the exercise without realising that I am separating me from my reality and making the exercise much difficult to myself.

The other point then comes up, which is self-pity, because I accumulate plans/best scenarios but I am not able to fully live them and complete them with the same enthusiasm as when I planned it. Therefore, I must align my relationship of planning and creating in order to support myself.

So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how things should be or how I would like things to be, and ending up living in an alternative reality and attached to the idea of "potential" but without  actually living what is here. I realise that by holding myself back to the idea/image of how things should be, I miss opportunities to see the common sense, to create what is best for me and for others in a given situation, and to reach my optimum potential in everything I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things harder for myself by wanting to focus on many plans at the same time, rather than applying my time effectively into the decisions that I have decided to walk and to walk them completely.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have resistance to follow a schedule or a plan of action that should be used as a self-assistance. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame the schedule and the plan for the pressure for the pressure that I am creating to myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with the thoughts of wanting to give up and by comparing myself to others to either feel good or better about myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit myself when it comes to walk a decision, as if the motivation during the planning was not here anymore. I realise that planning is not based on an energetic motivation but  it is simply a self-supportive guide for my own actions and commitments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage the things that support me the most, such as my studies, my process of writing, my daily job and my communication with people, by going into the thought that I am lost and that I should be doing something else. 

I realise that these thoughts are not real and I commit myself to focus on what is here, on that which I can do in this moment to support me to live the common sense, self-correction and the principle of self-honesty.

So,

When and as I see myself thinking that I am losing track of certain plans, I stop and I breathe.  I assist myself and I commit myself to align my time to my priorities and to make sure that I am consistent in all of them, without procrastination. If I see that some plans or tasks need to be postponed or adjusted, I commit myself to be clear with that decision inside me in order to prevent any self-sabotage of unnecessary pressure.

When and as I see myself participating in the positive energetic impulse of planning something in the mind-future, I stop and I breathe. I realise that nothing will happen if I don't move myself in this physical reality and make things happen for and by myself.

When and as I see myself holding back to an image/projection of a plan that is not longer feasible or realistic, I stop the mind and I breathe. I look into the image/projection and I assess if the starting point of the plan is still the best for me and how can I change the plan in order to reflect my own process of change.

I realise that the optimum potential is not an image, but is a state of being in everything I do and I speak.

Therefore, I assist and support myself to stop the image of the completion of a task (being it at work, in my studies or in sports), and I support me to be aware of each moment of breath, of each decision, of each body movement and action, considering that the process of walking the plan will depend on the accumulation of my actions in every moment.

Instead of placing/limiting my attention into the projected future in the mind that is not supportive, I commit myself to be focused on my actions and on who I am in each action. I realise that planning is based on a direction and in principles that are the best for me that I apply into my actions. Therefore, I stop creating/participating in the images of how I want things to be and, instead, I start looking in common sense at what is Here and I dedicate myself to create real-time solutions, in Self-Direction, Self-Responsibility and Self-Change.

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DAY 117: Impulse to do things: how to deal with the excitement energy

This week I have been dealing mainly with the fear energy, as shared on my previous posts. However, the fascinating aspect of the process is that, by opening new layers within me, new points become more clear, just like an onion that gets cleaner inside once we start removing the top layers. So on this post I will share the first realizations as to how the excitement energy manifests within me and how I have been correcting myself in order to be constant in my presence here and not giving in to the energy of the mind.

I have been gradually noticing how there are impulses in me to do things, such as speaking with another, hugging another or simply to stand up and do tasks. Until now I had not understood that the impulse, which in the past I called it 'love', 'emotion', 'feelings' and 'motivation', is actually mind energy. What I mean by mind energy is the energy resource based on emotions and feelings that feed the thoughts and, consequently my actions.

The reason I am sharing this today is the impact that this point is having in my life: for the first time I am becoming aware of this energy and, most importantly, I am able to see that I don't have to participate in the energy anymore. For many years I have been participating and using these urges of excitement to believe that I was alive and that I was defined by it. The outcome/excitement is a sort of sugar rush that manifests in various situations. What is quite scary is the amount of thoughts and the nature of the thoughts that are generated in my mind under such energy: thoughts based on memories, associations, imagination, information that I have heard, images that I have seen and also sexual attraction (more information on the energy of the mind can be found in a recent Eqafe interview that explains the origin of sexual attraction). In essence, the energy of the mind is a source of distraction and consequently destruction in all directions, as if we were slaves of the impulses, disregarding the practical reality and common sense.

Now I see that the energy is a sticky glue that I must slowly but surely stop feeding. Why? Because it only creates instability and, despite of the initial excitement, it only brings consequence for me and for the people around me. The energy sometimes can also block me and I become passive, for example when I think that I have to do a given task but my mind goes immediately to the thought that this will take too long or that will be complicated, so I start immediately with a resistance and excuses to do it.

From what I have been realising the best assistance that one can give to oneself is to breathe whenever thoughts pop up in the mind - through breath one brings oneself back to the physical body and doesn't feed the mind. The thoughts will probably keep on coming, as the mind has never been disciplined or directed, but it is very important that one does not take the thoughts personally. I have been saying self-forgiveness to myself on the thoughts and patterns that I see popping up when I am with specific people or when I am dealing with certain tasks of my day. I have been also reminding myself to stand stable within me, aware that I am dealing with energy which in essence is not real unless I participate in it, and that there is no need to go into self-judgment nor regret for the thoughts, because I am dedicated in correcting the mind - first, by understanding how my mind is "programmed" to think this way, where does the energy/motivation/desire/resistance come from and then be able to correct myself and not having the mind controlling my actions.

I wish I had someone since my childhood explaining me how the energy of the mind works and that I did not have to believe in the thoughts and backchats of the mind. So I strongly recommend everyone to start investigating and getting to know thyself. For more details about the process, visit the Desteni Forum and enjoy the free course to start dealing with your own mind.

Artwork: Emotion, by Andrew Gable

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DAY 116: Self-Correction on the fear of a car accident with friends

I am now sharing my Self-corrective statements in relation to the projection of accidents based on the memory of a loss of a friend in a car accident during my childhood. The previous two posts DAY 34: Haunted by Memories and DAY 35: Self-forgiveness on the memory of a friend's death give the context of the memory, the thoughts and the Self-forgiveness on facing the fear.

Continuation...

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hesitate stopping the fears just because the fear energy became a comfort zone in me, like a refugee of my mind that keeps me in the loop of the known memories and known fears.

Self-corrective statements:

I realise that looking for refugee in the comfort of fears is a time loop that keeps me in the trap of accumulating and believing in my own fears, which are limiting myself in my expression and self-expansion. I commit myself to embrace the responsibility of taking care of myself Here and Now, supporting myself to stop the mind and changing/correcting me for a stable version of myself.

When and as I see myself going into the memories of car accidents when I am in a car with friends, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself creating instability within me related to the emotion of fear whenever I access a memory/idea/projection of a car accident, I stop and I breathe. I realise that fear does not protect me  nor avoids accidents from happening.

When and as I see myself using memories to justify the fear energy, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to look at the emotions attached to the memory and to forgive them.

I realise that the memory can be supportive to show me my mind and the points that I am holding on to, instead of transcending it and move on.

When and as I see myself thinking of me as a victim in the car just like my friend was a victim in the accident, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to stop comparing me to other people's lives and to stop using other people's experiences to determine my choices. I realise that by projecting other people's experiences in my own life is a way of disrespecting myself here and now, it is self-dishonest and it is pointless.  

I realise that my mind is not to be trusted but my self-forgiveness is to be trusted and lived.

When and as I see myself taking the fear-energy related to this memory as personal, I stop and I breathe. I realise I don't have to participate in the fear nor in the thoughts of the mind  because the starting point is still of fear that something bad happens to me which is already a self-sabotage. I realise that seeing how my mind works and how the energy works supports me to direct myself in investigating the point to understand where the fear comes from.

When and as I see myself using a memory of fear to limit my expression when doing something new (e.g. going in a car with friends) I stop the fear and I breathe until I am stable. I realise that in order to assess the point I must not be influenced by memories. What I can do is to check if everything is ok in the car, practically, even communicating any concern with the driver but doing it so from a common sense starting point without projections nor imagination.

I realise that living in fear is not living and that I can only fully live without fear.

When and as I see myself imagining accidents on the road in front of me and imagining that I could have prevented by speaking it up, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the desire to be seen as a hero in an accident is the positive polarity of the self-victimisation in the mind and that none of it is real. I commit myself to direct myself in moments when memories seem to drive and to take the responsibility to lead my correction application through stopping the thoughts/images of the mind and to be present in my actions to guarantee that I am aware of myself and stABLE to live me here.

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DAY 108: How do I make decisions?

I can decide to drift in the mind or to give me direction. Recently I have been noticing the thoughts that take me to the emptiness of uncertainty and it creates a feeling of powerlessness. This feeling of the mind, althought made of powerlessness, can have the power to contaminate my reality. I wonder if this is a life pattern that everyone faces. Is everyone living in between the mind and, very now and then, in this reality? Or never at all. My mind goes easily into a poetry moment when it comes to face the hard walls of my mind.

So at the moment I am living the decision to not drift into the mind of thoughts and I have decided to focus on a task that I proposed myself to do but that I forgot to actually start it. How many times it happens to start something with the best intentions to finish it (I can actually see the final product in my mind as if it is real) but the actual physical realisation never takes off completely from the initial motivation? Now that I am looking at this point, a new interesting dimension came up: when I imagine something being done, I associate it with how the time is portrayed in movies and in TV series - things happen in quantum decisions because I see the character thinking about something and the next scene the person is already doing it. Have I not tried to implement this quantum decision-making in my own life too?

How many times do I take a decision of slowing down and take the time to perfect myself but suddenly I change my decision based on the imagination of the next challenge - but when the challenge comes, I start thinking twice because I have not taken the time to establish my foundation. I must not take the quantum-action of series personally as I am walking this life in real-time. If decisions as based on imagination, then it is not trustworthy. I better test it in real-time and find out for myself if such decision works for me.

If I am constantly desiring to have a quantum-mind experience copying what happens in movies and series, the notion of time is going to be manipulated and this physical reality disregarded.

So the task that I am going to walk this week is to look at how I make decisions. It is a great timing as I am walking this point on my DIP lesson and I have been having an enormous resistance to walk the exercise of identifying the positive and the negative elements that make my decision-making. It is just unacceptable to waste this opportunity to support myself and change who and how I have been existing as.

Do I make decisions based on the movies and series' fiction-time? Or do I actually consider real time?

Do I make decisions based on the fear of loss?

Do I make decisions based on negative and positive feelings/emotions?

Is my decision based on common-sense?

Am I wanting to copy someone else? Am I wanting to be somebody else?

When I go into the mind, the past and the future dance with each other. It requires training to be in physical time, think in physical time and accept physical time. I must finally realise that my body requires a breath-in and a breath-out to function well and that my life-time is made of the breaths I take and give.

The decision to stop and write here and right now was not planned in my mind - I had to impose it to myself otherwise I would stay in the pre-programmed mode of imagining it and getting distracted with thoughts outside of me.

Thinking about other people's lives is also a point to consider that is manifested in the movies and TV series. A decision that I must take is to really investigate where my thoughts come from when I am looking at another's person life. I must decide to bring those points to myself - investigate where the comparison come from, what do I perceive the other has, how do I judge me in relation to the other, etc.  This will allow me to identify my mind-decisions and obviously support me in my correction from the mind to real-physical time. I will walk the decision point this week and I will be sharing some of my realisations that will eventually arise.

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