DAY 142: Why relationships escalate into conflict / boredom? How to Prevent it?

"One of the primary things in terms of conflict / boredom in relationships is that the MIND stays the SAME - being with one person, same minds...hm...perfect concoction for conflict / boredom, because previously, when you were 'single', your mind was stimulated by many different people and things most of the time... now you are exposed to ONE person, ONE mind and your one mind...all the time...with NO CHANGE..." Sunette Spies

I was reading this statement and I could relate to my own relationship with my partner. Additionally, I can also see the consequence of taking this conflict/boredom into its extreme by seeing other people's relationships falling apart. By bringing this point to myself, I see that there have been moments in my marriage/agreement where I thought that change would only arise if there was a drastic and radical change - for example, breaking up, or leaving, or not speaking with my partner - all kinds of drama scenes in movies can apply to this "need" to see change happening.

But does it really mean that I have changed?

Not at all.

Why?

Because such reactions are a sign that I am first and foremost bored with my own self; I believe that I am powerless to change the relationship, to act upon the situation, to change the other and mainly, to change myself.

These two last points are key - the belief that I am unable to change the other implies that I desire the other to change because I believe that this will make me feel better about myself. In self-honesty I see that the starting point has been of complete self-interest and not actually caring about the other and wanting the other to reach his fullest potential. I also realise that I am the only one able to change myself, to deal with my mind and create my own self-fulfilment.

Another pattern that happens within me is to get to the point of believing that I don't need to change because it is the other who is causing the instability within me. This is one of the best examples of blame and resistance to face my own mind and to investigating what is happening with myself.

Even though these moments are less frequent nowadays, whenever I go into conflict in my mind it assists me to write, to forgive the energy reaction, to forgive the blame, to forgive the resistance to speak with another, to forgive the shame of having all these reactions and thoughts, and it also assists me to listen to the Eqafe interviews for a new perspective on the point that I facing (by searching for keywords such as blame, change, hopelessness, relationship, etc.). When conflict emerges in my relationship to another it is an indicator that I have not stopped me from participating in the backchats of the mind and that I have not taken responsibility for the inner-conflict that exists within me.

A tricky example of boredom happens when I desire the reality to match an image in my mind and an idea of how things "should" be. I try to place this hologram in front of my reality but it does not fit - so it is easier to blame the reality rather than investigating the image/ idea that exists in my mind (- where did this idea come from? By whom was I influenced to believe in it? Why is this image so rigid?) which I have deliberately created for myself. It is also interesting to see that it is easier to focus on how things "should" be rather than looking at how things can be, based on practical reality and new solutions that can be applied now.

In the end of the day, I realise that I create my own hopelessness and suffering by believing that my mind is right and therefore, if my reality doesn't match it, then reality is wrong. I put pressure on me and on my partner unnecessarily because  I believe that the image in my mind will make me happy. So my happiness is dependent on an image and everything else is just wrong and is creating unhappiness.  Meanwhile, I go into judgement by thinking that what is here is not good enough - I judge me as not good enough, I judge the others as not good enough, I judge this world as not good enough, I judge my job as not good enough, I judge my career as not good enough, I judge my relationship as not good enough and I judge my life as not good enough.

Now I ask myself:

Did I ever consider that ALL that I was missing was ME? Did I ever Decide that I am Here and that I am capable of stopping the "not-good-enough" backchat? That things will not move and change if I am not willing to change myself? That my relationship with my partner will never change if I won't change my communication, my habits, my needs and beliefs? Did I ever consider that my life is stuck because I allow myself to be stuck in my own mind?

Just like Sunette described it, I realise that my mind goes easily into searching new things to think about, to get distracted by, to be motivated in order to escape from my own boredom. Time is invested in emotions, in experiences, in entertainment while the real cause of the problem (and the cause of the solution) is being missed. No matter how many new relationships I have again, how many new places I live, how many new people I meet, the same Me will be unstable unless I stop being unstable. This is the type of brutal self-honesty that is required.

Curiously enough, over the last years I haven't taken any radical change in my life but quite the opposite - my decisions are taken in greater consideration, through communicating with others, writing about it and being creative to find solutions never thought and allowed before. This has greatly assisted me in the process of creating my Self-Stability and unconditional Self-Trust. 

A self-honest decision is not a snap-decision or a reaction towards something or someone. The process of living the decision implies the commitment within oneself to change, to do things differently and to apply the decision in every moment of breath. 

I have been realising that I am the beginning and the end of my own life, meaning, that no matter what happens around me and inside me (such as emotions) I am fully responsible for it as my own creation. This also means that when I am not satisfied with something in my life, being it my job, my behaviour or my relationship with my partner, I must remind myself that I am fully responsible to change this point from this moment onwards. This is Real Self-Empowerment. This is Real Self-Change. This is Real Self-Trust. This is Real Self-Creation. This is a Real platform to build a relationship with another.

Finally, I have been also realising that I will face my mind for as long as I don't change myself - and this is actually where boredom comes from because it is tiring to see the same point coming over and over again and thinking that I am unable to change it or direct it to a different outcome. Actually, the mind works like a guidebook that shows me my thinking patterns, my habits, my addictions, my fears, my feelings and emotions, my judgements, my relationships, my ideas and my desires BUT it is up to me to RECREATE myself in order to change who I am in relation to each mind pattern and to move from reAction to creAction.

Supportive links:

https://eqafe.com/free

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

FREE Self-development course - http://lite.desteniiprocess.com 

Relationship Guidance - http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships

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DAY 141: Facing Self-Trust in Public Speaking at a Live Hangout

Just before I pushed the "live" button, there was a shift within me. In a matter of milliseconds,  I though that I couldn't remember what I had prepared myself to say and I became nervous inside myself.  I had to go Live so we started. There was a shift in my attention and my mind was busy with the fear of failing and not being able to express myself in English. The fact that I was already live forced me to push for myself and to live my commitment of presenting the hangout and do that which I had decided to do. I had two guests with me and I realised that I could barely remember their names, even though we know each other for long time. I wasn't stable within me and I was judging myself for that. Curiously enough, the topic of the hangout was exactly about the mind shifts, the parallel realities and the consequences that each one creates to oneself. This became the beginning of an evening of self-investigation and I am grateful that I had the support of the Desteni group and the hangout assisting me in facing the energy of fear that I have been postponing for years.

Once the hangout has finished, I gave myself time to investigate through writing what was going on within me. I looked at my week and the memories that were popping up. My self-instability had not been a sudden thing and the manifestation of instability during the hangout had been the climax of a point that started manifested a week ago, related to self-trust. Not only that, I was also using previous experiences of presenting hangouts to imagine my presentation when in fact that "hologram" was not real and I was responsible for creating my presentation, creating my self-trust and creating the present moment. Like it happened with Jasmine, I was using my past to define my present which caused this distraction within myself and separation from my present reality. This experience confirmed that there is no middle-way: I am either Here or in the mind - and in the end of the day there is actually no choice rather than to stop "living" in the mind and to stand in self-awareness in the real world, if I am willing to change myself. What happened after was absolutely amazing: my body was uncomfortable, I was feeling this nausea in my belly and I was having chills in my body. My husband started asking me questions as to what I was thinking and the word that came up was fear. Obviously, my husband didn't stop there and continued pushing for myself to speak, to expand myself and to not suppress what was happening within me. While speaking to him, I was actually speaking to myself, I was clarifying myself and going through the layers of thoughts until I reached the point of Trust. In that moment, the fear energy became preeminent in my chest and it was overwhelming - as soon as I started stating my Self-Forgiveness on the fear energy I burst into tears. The energy was here, I could feel it in my chest as this massive wall that I thought was impossible to transcend. So I kept on forgiving each thought and my attachment to the fear energy that I was holding myself to. Physically it felt I was near a precipice and I feared to fall. I cried even more when I faced the word Courage - the courage to walk through the fear energy that exists within me. Through Self-forgiveness I was able to release the energy and bring me back to Here and become physically stable. I was still feeling cold but no longer nauseous.

New points opened up in my writing and a new understanding of the energy fear became clear within me when I listened to the interviews Stop in the Name of Fear and The Differencebetween your Beingness and Consciousness for the second time.

I decided to share this point because it may assist those that fear speaking in public or doing live hangouts. The points I suggest investigating are the point of self-trust and fear and to not postpone it anymore because it will eventually manifest for you to face it. Just like it is explained in the Life review, whenever there is a resistance, there is a fear that one must face in one's process of self-change. Why wouldn't one want to change if our fears are actually limiting our expression, our being and our utmost potential?

I will now share specific self-forgiveness and self-correction statements that are assisting me in walking the fear and self-distrust manifested when speaking in public:

Self-Forgiveness on the FEAR ENERGY:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the fear of making a mistake when I am doing something in public  or when I am speaking in public.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the fear energy and with the thoughts fed by the energy, instead of focusing myself on the message that I am going to speak and in who I am in each moment of breath.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to become nervous and being unable to deliver my presentation because it is "too hard" to do it (=to face the fear).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the energy of fear within me.

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the energy of fear and through it create the images and the thoughts that justify the fear.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another person or event for the fear that I feel within me when in fact the fear is my own creation and I am responsible for understanding it and stopping it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear energy within me, in my words, thoughts and deeds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the fear energy towards the things that I do, instead of assisting me to investigate where the fear comes from and find/apply solutions to practically assist me, rather than feeding and believing that the fear is a requirement to be aware of myself.

Now that I am aware of the fear energy and the real consequence of distrusting myself, I commit myself to practice my Self-Stance and self-trust in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts, ideas about myself and the image of failure in my mind as I am aware that I am the one feeding the energy and thus the one able to stop it within me.

When and as I see myself participating in the images of the mind and the energy of fear in my solar plexus when I am speaking in public, I stop and I breathe. I realise that slowly but surely I am walking the process of releasing the fear energy from my physical body and that each moment is an opportunity to apply my decision of stopping living/being fear.

I assist and support myself to be patient in the process of stopping the fear within me and to not get distracted with the images of the mind.

I realise that going into fear is a self-sabotage based on the idea that I am not ready or that I can't/I am limited. I also realise that I fear that which I don't know or that I don't understand. Therefore, I assist myself through writing and self-investigation to understand the fears within me and walk the process of changing myself and giving me direction.

I commit and assist myself to direct me in stopping the fear energy and to not allow it to take control over myself and my body.

I commit myself to trust me in my process of stopping the fear energy within me and changing my relationship with myself, from self-judgement to self-awareness, self-correction and self-respect.

When and as I see the energy of fear manifesting in my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to stand stable when I am facing the fear energy and through this I assist me to change my relationship to fear, from fearing the energy to understanding how it was created and then release it through self-forgiveness.

Self-Forgiveness on SELF-TRUST:

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my decisions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust my creation as who I am, what I do and say.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as a false and as a liar.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am lying to others. By bringing this point to myself, I realise that I am only lying to myself when participating in the mind of thoughts, beliefs and self-judgments.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have self-distrust as my starting point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be misunderstood and judged when I say something.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-trust.

When and as I see myself distrusting my own self, my actions and my decision, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this self-distrust is not real and it comes from my own self-definition, ideas and beliefs about myself.

When and as I see myself judging what I do as not good enough or not perfect based on an idea of perfection that I have in my mind, I stop and I breathe.

I realise that the image of perfection in my mind is not real.

I commit myself to work with myself in reality and in real time to perfect myself, to expand my self-awareness, to increase my vocabulary, to stop the emotions and to create my own self-stability and self-trust in who I am, in the words I speak and in my actions.

I realise that the state of self-distrust is a justification of the mind to limit myself and to fear leaving my comfort zone and to investigate new points within me.

I also see that the projection about what others judge about me is showing me that which I judge about myself. Therefore, when and as I see myself judging me about what I say or do, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to embrace me in every moment of breath and to stand with and as myself in my words and actions. I realise that the personalities that I am judging are not real.

I commit myself to trust my process of getting to know my mind and of correcting me to become one and equal with Life here.

I commit myself to stop judging what I do or what I say as being wrong and to stop participating in the polarity of right and wrong that keep me trapped in my own self-judgement, self-distrust and fear energy.

I commit myself to focus on who I am in every moment and to assist me in being and doing that which is best for me, in unconditional self-honesty and self-trust.

I commit myself to change my starting point of self-distrust to recreate unconditional self-trust and to take responsibility for trusting myself in every moment.

DIP Lite FREE self-empowerment course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
DIP Lite on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DIPLite
DIP Pro: http://desteniiprocess.com

7 year journey to life Facebook group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/journ...

Suggested interviews on TRUST:

Respect, Integrity, Trust and Honour - The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination 
Moving from Unpredictability to Predictability to Self Trust 
Can you Ever Trust your Mind?
Anticipation: Developing Self Trust 
What is Trust
In the Mind we Trust, Despite its Betrayal

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DAY 133: Listening to a Self-Honest hangout in a Dishonest society

The timing of tonight's hangout was incredible and I am grateful for arriving home, turning on the laptop and listening to a self-honest conversation. Not only because I stand for the same principles, but also because it supported me to ground myself after a long day in a self-dishonest society where people care little about each other. It is not difficult to get distracted from my own self-honesty and start blaming everything and everyone for my own experience of stress, annoyance or disappointment - however, there is no excuse to still fall into the same automated reactions when I have the tools* to support me to slow down the mind and focus on Who I am in every moment.  So while watching the hangout and listening to the guests, I noticed within me a shift  from a disempowered mind of the work day to a self-awareness state of being, present and self-empowered. It is amazing how we can support each other to become self-honest, to learn with each other and to live up to our fullest potential. Let us not underestimate the power of mutual support to learn and become self-honest in every moment of our day.

* The tools of breath awareness, writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitments and self-change. 

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DAY 132: From Planning to actually Doing

I am noticing a pattern within me of planning an ideal scenario in my mind (the positive) but ending up becoming frustrated with myself when things go in a different way (the negative polarity). This is manifested in the big decisions that I take in life, whereby the panning of it was of immense enthusiasm and dedication but, when the time comes to walk the decision, I am not allowing myself to be stable and consistent in my application. Many of these projects take years to complete, such as building a specific career or in becoming fully comfortable in speaking another language. Walking this Process, a career path, or any decision is an accumulation of actions done throughout a period of time, so imagining things done or ready from one moment to the next is not realistic.

In many of my points and experiences, I notice that there is a resistance to be stable and consistent in my responsibilities. I tent to jump from the plan to the idea of how I would like the end-result to be.... Obviously there is a gap in between, which should be filled by the process of walking the decision practically. In addition to that, in order to walk the decision unconditionally, I must also let go the desire of finishing something because I have not even started! Instead of hanging myself to the hope and imagination, I can enjoy much more if I walk each action at a time, adjusting, correcting, testing and perfecting myself in my actions.

I can see this pattern manifested in my sports lessons, whereby I imagine the end of it rather than being present/moving myself in each exercise. I tend to imagine the relief of finishing the exercise without realising that I am separating me from my reality and making the exercise much difficult to myself.

The other point then comes up, which is self-pity, because I accumulate plans/best scenarios but I am not able to fully live them and complete them with the same enthusiasm as when I planned it. Therefore, I must align my relationship of planning and creating in order to support myself.

So,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how things should be or how I would like things to be, and ending up living in an alternative reality and attached to the idea of "potential" but without  actually living what is here. I realise that by holding myself back to the idea/image of how things should be, I miss opportunities to see the common sense, to create what is best for me and for others in a given situation, and to reach my optimum potential in everything I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things harder for myself by wanting to focus on many plans at the same time, rather than applying my time effectively into the decisions that I have decided to walk and to walk them completely.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have resistance to follow a schedule or a plan of action that should be used as a self-assistance. I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame the schedule and the plan for the pressure for the pressure that I am creating to myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with the thoughts of wanting to give up and by comparing myself to others to either feel good or better about myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit myself when it comes to walk a decision, as if the motivation during the planning was not here anymore. I realise that planning is not based on an energetic motivation but  it is simply a self-supportive guide for my own actions and commitments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage the things that support me the most, such as my studies, my process of writing, my daily job and my communication with people, by going into the thought that I am lost and that I should be doing something else. 

I realise that these thoughts are not real and I commit myself to focus on what is here, on that which I can do in this moment to support me to live the common sense, self-correction and the principle of self-honesty.

So,

When and as I see myself thinking that I am losing track of certain plans, I stop and I breathe.  I assist myself and I commit myself to align my time to my priorities and to make sure that I am consistent in all of them, without procrastination. If I see that some plans or tasks need to be postponed or adjusted, I commit myself to be clear with that decision inside me in order to prevent any self-sabotage of unnecessary pressure.

When and as I see myself participating in the positive energetic impulse of planning something in the mind-future, I stop and I breathe. I realise that nothing will happen if I don't move myself in this physical reality and make things happen for and by myself.

When and as I see myself holding back to an image/projection of a plan that is not longer feasible or realistic, I stop the mind and I breathe. I look into the image/projection and I assess if the starting point of the plan is still the best for me and how can I change the plan in order to reflect my own process of change.

I realise that the optimum potential is not an image, but is a state of being in everything I do and I speak.

Therefore, I assist and support myself to stop the image of the completion of a task (being it at work, in my studies or in sports), and I support me to be aware of each moment of breath, of each decision, of each body movement and action, considering that the process of walking the plan will depend on the accumulation of my actions in every moment.

Instead of placing/limiting my attention into the projected future in the mind that is not supportive, I commit myself to be focused on my actions and on who I am in each action. I realise that planning is based on a direction and in principles that are the best for me that I apply into my actions. Therefore, I stop creating/participating in the images of how I want things to be and, instead, I start looking in common sense at what is Here and I dedicate myself to create real-time solutions, in Self-Direction, Self-Responsibility and Self-Change.

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DAY 131: How Hope Creates Hell

What kind of world do we hope to live in? Why are we holding ourselves back? How can we change ourselves and eventually change the world around us?
These questions are investigated on the Eqafe interview "How Hope Creates Hell" and I am sharing my realisations on this vlog.

I invite you all to check the following links:
How Hope Creates Hell
https://eqafe.com/i/jferreira-reptilians-how-hope-creates-hell-part-38

Free Online Course for self-development and self-change
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Economic proposals to consider to END poverty in this world:

Unconditional Basic Income
http://basicincome2013.eu/

Living Income Guaranteed
http://livingincome.me

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DAY 128: Where change begins

This morning I woke up with this old sensation within me of wanting to avoid the day ahead and the things that I have to do. In self-honesty I see that this pattern has been around mainly related to my relationship to the Masters that I am taking, however I have been trying to hide it with other things that I have judged to be "easier" tasks in order to almost forget my study responsibilities.

So when I finally got out of bed, I gave me a moment to stop the thoughts and to start saying Self-Forgiveness out loud about the self-defeat thoughts that I woke up with, such as "I am not good enough to have a Masters, I don't deserve to have it if I don't study for it, I am not as dedicated to it as other people are", and I got to the point of seeing that I haven't simply walked the decision of actually changing my relationship to my studies, to my career, to my priorities. Instead of learning from others, I have been using comparisons to interiorise myself and to justify my self-judgments of not being able to become the best I can be in my studies/academic performance. This relationship pattern already existed within me and it is now being projected towards my studies, so I can embrace this opportunity to get to know me on this point and start seeing how I can change my relationship with myself and, consequently, with my studies and everything I do in every moment of my existence.

After this I decided to start my day with a plan of action, starting with a nice breakfast and a list of things that realistically I should be able to do with the time I have today. A very important thing that contributed to this self-stabilization within me this morning was to decide to watch the most recent DesteniiProcess hangout, where I heard the words that I was not giving to myself. That is why I called today's blog Where change begins, because this was a point that the panellists focused on: starting by Self is the only way to make the change happen. No comparison should be involved, no self-judgment, no self-defeat, no powerlessness - if that happens in my mind, I am aware that I am the one allowing such mind-set to possess me and to control me. In self-responsibility, I can stop the thoughts, forgive myself, and assist myself to change in the moment, give myself direction and, in my case, restart my day with a plan that corresponds to my study responsibilities and to my decision to expand my expertise and my potential through doing a MA.

On my next post I will share my Self-Forgiveness and my Self-Corrective process in regards to this depressive relationship towards my studies and my redefinition of my priorities.

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DAY 125: Investigating Fear... fearlessly

The decision to walk the Fear point is taken. The self-will to start this new journey within my Journey to Life comes from the understanding that no matter how far I go and no matter what I do I will always face the Fear point - until I have changed. 

 When I mean by change it is not simply saying that "I have no more fear", but to actually change my relationship to that which causes fear - most often, the Unknown. This reminds me the famous myth of Adamastor, the personification of the challenges that the Portuguese navigators created to give a name to the fear of the unknown when they started their journey of the Discoveries across never before sailed seas.
By looking at the fear as a pre-programme or a programmed mind system, I see that it is and has always been a delusional system that keeps me separated from this world, in my own bubble of fear - So tonight I ask myself the following questions: 

Why on earth am I allowing a programme to destroy and corrupt everything that I am and I do in my life?

What is going on within me to have always believed that the fear is real and that I must obey to the mind of fear?

Why do I use my past experiences to justify the fear of the future instead of learning from my experience to stop the fear and see reality in common sense?

What are the beliefs underneath my fears?

Why did I create fears based on images/projections that I believe are real even though these are also based in fear which are a mind fabrication in first place?

Why am I creating scenarios in my life that are against my own existence and against the development of my full potential?

Who am I if I am not fear?
What do I fear to lose?

I notice that it takes courage to open the Pandora Box in regards to the Fear pattern. I can see how in my daily life fear manifests from the little to the significant examples, with small and big consequences. I can only walk one layer at a time and so I will start by looking at the emotional reactions that I have in my daily life to see how these are based on fear - for example, by looking at the fear of falling on the street, the fear of ageing, the fear of disappointing another, the fear of failing, the fear of misunderstandings, the fear of violence, the fear of pain, the fear of the dark, the fear of people, the fear of animals, the fear of accidents, the fear of cancer, the fear of fear, the fear of change, the fear of the future, the fear of the past, to name a few. 

An interesting thing that I notice is that, despite the fact that I have been walking the Process with Desteni for more than four years, I see now that I haven't yet applied the Self-Forgiveness on many of the points listed above - this shows me how deep the pre-programming can be that I cannot even see what I am doing to myself. Slowly but surely I am opening these points within me and flourishing fear-free. Just like the Portuguese navigators, I am becoming aware of the Fear within me, through points and perspectives never looked at before. I have the will and I have the tools of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty and Self-Correction. I am ready to see and sail...

Suggested interviews:

Introduction - Fears & Phobias

Where do They Come From? - Fears & Phobias

Car Crash - Fears & Phobias

Fear of Fear Itself - Fears and Phobias

Fear of Fear Itself (Part 2) - Fears and Phobias

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DAY 121: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way?

The following points opened up after writing and re-reading the previous post: "DAY 40: From attention seeker to self-expression". 

When and as I see myself judging what I say based on the idea that the other person is judging me as an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. This "attention-seeking" definition reminds me when as a kid I started to show what I could do, but I realise that I was actually taking the other person's comment of "here you are showing off" as an attack against myself! Instead of taking the thought or even the comment personally, I commit myself to look within me at the starting point for me to share myself or share a story or show something to another.

I now see and I start realising that this judgment of being an attention-seeker is in itself a limitation, because I am "killing" my self-expression or any potential for expansion or realisation in that moment while I am communicating with another. Therefore, when and as I see myself going into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker or showing-off, I stop , I breathe and I check within me what is the starting point of what I am saying or doing. Instead of going immediately into the self-judgment of being an attention-seeker, I accept and allow myself to correct my starting point and to stand in self-honesty, in self-support, equal and one with the other that is listening me and speaking to me.

When and as I see myself defining me as something that is clearly creating limitation in my reality and in my relationship to what I do and to other people, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself to realise that the self-definition became my acceptances and allowances, but that this is not unchangeable! I realise that the comfort and the perceived stability that the self-judgment brings is not real but I haven't allowed myself to be or do something differently.

I realise that, just like this world system, I got used to certain rules and beliefs because I never heard or saw something different, but that does not mean that the way things are is the best way (it clearly isn't, based on the inequality and lack of common sense that exists in this world system). The same applies to my process: if I see that the self-definitions, the self-judgments and the fears are limiting me, why would I continue attached to it? Why do I fear to step forward and walk in self-initiative to change my own relation to myself?

When and as I see myself judging the way I communicate and the way I express myself as seeking for attention, I stop and I breathe. In this moment, I can ask myself: If I was alone, would I do/behave the same way? Am I being unconditional in my expression with another or am I waiting to have something back, either a comment or a look of acceptance? I realise that who I am with others must be one and equal to who I am within me, based on the same principles, motivation and self-correction.

When and as I see myself suppressing my expression, my voice and my movement based on the thought that someone is watching me and judging  me, I stop and I breathe. I assist and support myself to see that the judgment already existed within me and that I am accessing  a mind-system through another, in a projection of my own mind. In this, I commit myself to stop the thought that I am being judged by another and I bring this point to myself to see how I am judging my own body movement, voice and actions.

When and as I see myself judging my voice, my behavior and even my clothes as childish, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a self-definition that I have believed myself to be but that I never took responsibility for stopping the judgment and actually enjoy myself and express myself in absolute stability and self-confidence.

When and as I see myself wanting a response from my reality to accept that which I am doing or saying, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my reality is a mirror of what's happening inside me, therefore whatever response I am looking for outside me is that which I am not giving to myself yet. On the other hand, when and as I see myself thinking that I am being an attention seeker, I stop and I breathe. I assist myself to investigate the factor behind wanting to get specific people's attention, which I see to be related to the resistance to stand firm by myself unconditionally and regardless of what others say  or do.

I commit myself to practice my stability in my communication, by slowing down and by stopping the mind in the moment. Through this, I assist and support myself to see what I am believing and defining myself to be, why I am defining as it, how I am limiting my decisions, my options and my existence Here.

I realise that if I don't stand for and by myself my expression will be reduced to my mind (world mind) of accepted and allowed do's don'ts, self-judgments and self-limitations.

I will continue investigating and writing about this point.

Artwork: "CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable

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DAY 119: Self-Forgiveness on Staying in bed

Despite my recent written commitment to wake up for and by myself, I stayed in bed today - this was a deliberate self-dishonesty because even if I felt physically tired I could have simply started the day slowly, but awake. Instead, I pressed snooze on my phone and let it stay in this mode for about one hour. The consequence was the rush and pressure that I put on myself since I had an appointment later in the morning.

It was cool to be aware of the reactions within me and to do my best in being efficient with the short time I had, however, I know that I can recreate a better reality for myself, stress-free.

The main point to look at was the deliberate sabotage that I went through in the morning: I was aware of my commitment but I did not apply my self-will. Therefore I will continue forgiving myself until I am clear on this point, I test it and I change:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create this internal fight between wanting to stay in the comfort of my bed and wanting to live my commitment of waking up in self-direction. I realise that if I created this fight I am the one able to fix it. In self-honesty I see that my lack of self-direction to wake up was based on the excuse that it is Saturday and that I "can" stay in bed because apparently there is no work responsibility of waking up at a certain time. It is exactly in this moment that I see if my commitment is real and if it is unconditional. Therefore, 

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to live my commitment of waking up once my alarm rings everyday, including weekends. I have been realising that 7 hours of sleep is currently the number of hours that my body requires to rest and that after this time I am recharging my mind because I am feeding the fight of waking up VS staying in bed that I created to myself in first place. I also realise that regardless of the number of hours of sleep, the moment I wake up must be unconditional, breathe by breathe, in one decision - my self-direction and self-commitment are unconditional. 

I forgive myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to create rush in my own self/body and put pressure on my body to move fast because I have limited the time available for my actions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separated from my decision to wake up at a certain time. This conflict within me reminds me the arguments I had (and still have) with my mum because I wanted to wake up early but my mum would insist that I needed to sleep more.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I must stay in bed a little bit longer because I went to bed late the night before.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired during the day if I wake up early in the morning. In this, I see that if I get tired I can rest or stop for a moment since it is the weekend, however based on my experience once I wake up I am able to stay awake for many hours in a row.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with thinking about excuses for me to stay in bed instead of moving myself physically to transcend the resistance to direct myself. I realise that if I move myself physically and if I am aware of my breath I will not give in to the energy/thoughts of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create my own indiscipline in relation to my commitments - I realise that I don't take my commitments seriously.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my commitment of waking up in the morning as I had planned the night before.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to stick with my plan and to have accepted to go into a "workaround" justifying why I changed the plan and stayed in bed. I realise that I can make my reality easier if I trust myself and if I live the agreement I did with myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think "I can stay in bed a little bit longer because I can get dressed and ready in a rush", without seeing, realising and understanding that I am creating my own experience of rush/stress instead of standing as an example of commitment, dedication and stability towards myself/my actions.

In addition to the self-corrective statements written yesterday:

I commit myself to stick to common sense: if I decide something in the evening but in the morning I don't stick with the plan, in common sense I see that the problem is not the plan but my attitude towards it that has changed based on how I feel in the morning. In this, I am aware that feelings are not real because they change from night to day and feelings are not trustworthy. I also see that this is a mind-pattern of wanting to give up on my own decision and to take the easy way which is to leave the habits as they are, instead of moving myself through the resistance and rediscover me in my decision to wake up in self-direction, for and by myself, and start the day stable within me, giving me time to write and eat in the morning for example. 

I realise that by sticking to my agreement of waking up early at the time I have set to be the best for me I am re-establishing my relationship to all my tasks and commitments throughout the day, not accepting less than what I am able of doing with the time I have.

While writing the self-forgiveness I had this memory of a story that I read in the primary school about this child that was describing her morning and it consisted of waking up, getting dressed, having breakfast, doing the homework and then leaving to school. It was quite shocking for me to think of having time in the morning to sit down to do my homework, since my mornings were always stressful: looking at the clock, eating quickly (later in secondary school skipped the early breakfast), dressing on my way to the door and leaving to take a ride from my dad or a friend. My day has always started in a state of rush that I learned how to cope with so that I could be stable in the classroom and "forget" the morning run. It is funny that I am "haunted" by these memories and I notice physical reactions in my body while writing these words. Tomorrow I  will do the exercise recommended in the Journey Into the Afterlife and I  will focus on How I am experiencing myself in the moment I wake up and check what is the emotion associated and continue investigating this personality system.

Illustration: http://www.realbeauty.com/health/wellness/get-some-get-up-and-go#slide-1

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DAY 105: Days without writing - practical points to re-embrace self and stop procrastination

You know when you are traveling, moving from one place to another and everything is temporary, until you finally reach your home and you start to be more organised? Well, I haven't been physically travelling but this is an analogy to what happens to me when I am not writing and I am moving from one point to another, as if I am escaping from my own self, without actually living the commitment of dealing with my reality completely and being specific. The idea of getting to the comfort of my home (the moment when I stop and write) became an delusional oasis and used as an excuse to procrastinate the creation of such oasis everywhere I go - and that moment never came until now. I am now alone, laid down on the sofa, typing on my laptop and it is calm. However, what is blocking me from recreating this stability when I am somewhere else?

I am actually recreating my habit of not leaving the writing for late in the evening - by experience, by the end of the day I will be so tired that I will easily postpone the writing for the next day, and the snowball starts its journey until I get tired of procrastinating.

The resistance to be disciplined is an good point to look at: I realise that I enjoy when the plans change and the routine is no longer a routine. However, this lack of consistency is based on an idea that I get bored with doing the same thing every day, such as writing every day. But wait a second: don't I eat every day? Don't I breathe in every moment? Don't I wake up every day?

What if my body was to make a strike and not wake up? How on earth do I want to become consistent and confident in my process if I am not recreating the consistence and confidence in me? I this also a great trap of the mind, because even though the action of writing is the same, I never write the same things and there is always an expansion within me.

The process of change is manifested in what I do - and this is why few people consider changing themselves, because that is the real process to walk - changing patterns, changing assumptions, changing schedules if needed so that my new tasks can be done.

While I am trying, my eyes are starting to shut down - the mind is striking! So what can I do to actually stand as my living awareness and continue what I  was doing?

• Becoming aware of my breath - this support me to stand here and see what I am doing;
• being assertive with the time that I have dedicated for writing;
• stopping the thoughts and imagination of the mind (daydreaming)
• Look at the big picture of what I am doing and how getting distracted in the mind does not benefit me in any way whatsoever
• Embracing what I am doing, such as writing
• Being my own example
• Expanding myself is something that is unique and I can only do it for myself

In the end, it all comes down to self-honesty and to who I am in each moment.

So:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself when I postpone my daily writing, as I notice that I am the one deceiving myself and not actually supporting me in changing my habits to become a better version of myself and in becoming organised with my own things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to admire the people that appear to be organised instead of learning with them and perhaps asking how they manage their time efficiently so that I know what changes I can adopt for myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a snowball of excuses to not write and a snowball of thoughts about what I should be doing, instead of being realistic with my time available and prioritise that which must be done.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone the things that I enjoy myself doing, instead of creating my own balance of responsibility and self-enjoyment, work and relaxing, study and play, without these being necessarily polarities but things that support me equally.

When and as I see myself getting frustrated with the fact that I am postponing and accumulating things to do in my mind, I stop, I breathe and I write down the list of things that I have in my mind to do. I commit myself to make my tasks practical according to the time available and the prioritisation of the tasks.

When and as I see myself feeling regret for not doing that which I wanted to do, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a trap of the mind because both the plan and the desire to "tick box" the plan existed only in my mind. Therefore, instead of putting me under pressure, I can help me to see what can I do in that specific moment to recreate my stability, to be flexible with me and to find a solution that will be lived for real.

When and as I see myself using people in my mind as an example of solution-makers and an example of organisation, I stop and I breathe. Instead of associating these points with these people, I can see how in this specific moment can I do that which I would associate with the other person. This way, I am learning with the other and becoming my own example.

When and as I see myself thinking/imagining that I will write at night before I go to bed, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this was the same pattern I had with praying before going to bed, when I was already so exhausted that I would fall asleep and then feel bad for not having prayed. So, I commit myself to help myself in facilitating my actions and, instead of trying to make them for the days that I didn't do, I can instead look at a solution moving forward, starting a new commitment to write at lunch time, or on the bus, or when I arrive home, or in the morning before work!

When and as I see myself falling asleep while I am writing, I stop me and I breathe. I realise that in these moments I am actually doing things in my mind, imagining what I will do next but in reality I am with my eyes closed, away from my opportunity to do things for real and to live to my utmost potential.

Daily writing is not an obligation; writing daily is like drinking water - it refreshes me, it makes things clear, it supports me without me even being completely aware of how I am fully responsible for my stability and that I am giving me the conditions to be stable inside-outside.

I have also realised that the resistance to write every day is similar to the resistance to study - it is interesting that these are two elements for self-development, self-expansion, self-change and self-creation. So, when and as I see myself being lazy with my own Life, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to do things for myself based on the realisation that I am fully responsible for my life here, for who I am, for what I allow myself to do and to not do, for supporting me unconditionally and being the example to my own self. I am the teacher and the student. I am the creator and the creation. I am the words that I write and walk. Any resistance to do that which supports me to stand stable, to expand myself and to express myself I know that is an indicator of a point to transcend. Curiously enough, I have now realised that the resistance to have fun can also exist (!) therefore this is also a point to be lived within and by me.

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DAY 101: My own entertainment - The addiction to the energy of the mind

Today I finally saw something that has been disregarded in a very naive way lol. You know when something is always there but you have never noticed? Well, this is what has been happening as my blindness towards the mind, and more specifically, the way I have been feeding the mind ALL THE TIME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. How? Through the energy in the form of emotions, of anxiety, of fear, of distrust, of feelings, of love, of sadness, of despair, of desire, of hope, of regret, of impatience, of anticipation, of expectations, of blame, of guilt, of jealousy, of reaction, of comparison, of anger, of hate, of imagination, of exhaustion, of positive, of negative, of happiness, of judgement, of distraction.

So, yesterday I was almost blaming the TV series for my entertainment but today I see what is really happening: the real entertainment happens inside me in my relationship with my own mind and the addiction to the energy generated by and for the mind. This self-slavery is the ultimate self-deception and this realisation is just the beginning of the process that I am walking. I am, for the first time, aware that all these emotions and energetic feelings don't need to exist - or should I say, I live without such energetic emotions. The same way I see that I should be able to watch any series, speak with another, do anything without any energetic movement within me. Only breath remains.

This realization came actually from a combination of factors, namely the understanding from the Eqafe interview on Impatience and my experience tonight after watching the last episode of a TV series. I noticed an anxiety within me by knowing that I was going to watch the last episode: my mind was going to lose its daily meal of emotional attachment! When the episode came to an end I thought "Is this it"? And I saw that the energy was not real because it was not here anymore - I am still here, the energy is not. The mind is still here and I can see it more clearly when I get distracted from my writing for example. It is like a shadow that watches everything that I do. This must not be a big surprise: I know the mind because I became the main allie of the mind. The challenge and the process here is to realize who I really am, as Life, by transcending the mind.

While I am writing I can see the fear of dying right now - here is another trick of the mind: the ultimate fear of death as a tool to participate in the energy. So I teach myself to breathe and overcome the storms of the mind.  I stop thinking about death and I focus on my breath. I associate a realisation as an achievement and so I fear to "suffer" the negative consequence of something bad to happen to me. So the label of realisation as a positive thing must be redefined within me.

Why does the mind exist? Through this question I realise that I am actually blaming the mind for my slavery. So I can rephrase my question and ask myself: Why and how did I become the mind? Why and how do I participate in emotions, anxiety, fear, distrust, feelings, love, sadness, despair, desire,  hope, regret, impatience, anticipation, expectations, blame, guilt, jealousy, reaction, comparison, anger, hate, imagination, exhaustion, positive, negative,  happiness, judgement, distraction. That's why in the Desteni material we always see and read about the point of self-responsibility and self-stability, because this is what I must be able to recreate in me and become.

It is apparently tough to let go of a belief, of a religion, of an idea, of a dream and this is the resistance that I have created in my own mind towards the mind itself. It is amazing how ideas become so real in my mind that I am able to project them into my reality and live by it - of course this is not a Life, because it is a prison limited by my own imagination.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get excited with a realisation/understanding, as this is a point of energetic excitement of the ego and based on the fear of losing such a realisation! Therefore, when and as I see myself realising a new point or a new dimension within a point, I stop and I breathe.

I support me to stand stable within and as the realisation, because the realisation is not separated from me. I commit myself to walk through/as/become the realisation and therefore there is no need to go into excitement or fear of losing that which I already am.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to see that the emotion of desire to watch a series is an energetic anxiety of the mind that I can stop through breath. Within this, I see that the addiction to the energy of the mind is not the best for me, because it creates a separate reality of nervousness and I am not aware of me here anymore.

So when and as I see myself going into the energy of the mind, either in the form of anxiety, of fear, of emotional attachment and of desire, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to breathe until I take control of me here, stable and aware of my actions out of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to avoid watching the last episode because I did not want to lose the energetic desire of watching another episode.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the energy of the mind instead of watching the series as it was initially my plan. I realise that I deviate from my objective of simply watching the story and move on.

When and as I see myself going into the parallel reality of the emotions of the mind, I stop the sequence of emotions and I breathe. I support me to remind me of what I am doing and I help me to be aware of when I slip into the mind of imagination, anticipation, fear and emotions in order to stabilise myself more efficiently and with less consequence.

When and as I see myself going into the imagination of the mind and the images of the mind, I stop and I breathe. I see that these images are not real, that are memories and that I can only use them as a reference to see what I must stop within me - what are the preoccupations that move in my mind?, what are the thoughts that I am distracted with?, what are the fears that I project unto myself? What is the consequence that I am creating by being distracted of my own reality?

I commit myself to support me in seeing my own mind and to dedicate myself to correct me, to clarify the memories, to understand the fears and to stop me from participating in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that this process is a radical process and that my realisations will bring some immediate changes - I realise that I must walk point by point and that I must apply each and every single realisation in real-time until I face each and every pattern where I have been enslaving myself. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear to move on in my own process and to change me. I realise that this fear of the unknown is an idea that is not real - I also realise that the mind is not the best for me and therefore I must practice myself in self-awareness, I must practice my breathing, practice stopping the mind and practicing solutions in my real life.

When and as I see myself navigating in the mind of memories, of images, of beliefs, I stop this self-entertainment and I breathe. I realise that I must be my own cure because I am the one feeding this addiction to the energy of the mind. I commit myself to focus on my breath until I am back to this reality and I restart my actions in self-awareness and self-correction.

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