Before I took the decision to stop and write, I was going to watch
another episode of a series. My starting point was based on a long day of work
and an escape from a headache of the mind that I was starting to feel. I was seeing my my partner entertained with a
game and I felt the anxiety of wanting to stop studying and doing something fun
and relaxing, even though I was creating exactly the other polarity of stress
in the thoughts of "what should" or "should not do". Now
that I am writing, I am giving me my stability back.
The pattern mentioned above of using entertainment as an escape is old
- meaning, I realise that is has been within me for awhile, since school time
where I saw entertainment/play as a reward after study. Nowadays, the same
relationship with entertainment still exists however the time for games and
relaxation is shorter than in childhood, so another pattern emerged: the
accumulation of desire for entertainment and "free time". After the daily 8 hours (sometimes more) at
work, I have committed myself to continue studying for a Masters which I am now
on my first year.
Yesterday, I realised an immense anxiety when I read the list of my
assignments' deadlines, like an attack of fear of not making and the backchat of "it is too much at the same time". In my mind,I read the desire to
go on holiday again to let go of all the various projects that I am involved.
But then I ask myself: Do I want to run away from myself all my life? Is this
real tiredness or am I sabotaging my own commitments?
In self-honesty, I do want to live all my commitments, not only the MA
but also my daily writing, the DIP, the married life, the physical rest, my
friendships and sports. So the feeling and anxiety of overwhelmingness is an
indicator of a point that I must support myself to organise my daily life in a
way that is viable, is fun and I express and expand myself in everything that I
do.
But where does my need for entertainment come from?
Let me have a look at that what
is that watching a series gives me that I am not giving to myself by default:
- usually watching a series is a sign of having done all my other tasks and so there is a moment of "freedom" in my daily schedule to simply watch others on the screen;
- watching a series fills in a break when I arrive home after work, just before I start my other tasks such as the study or my writings;
- a postponement that is covered by an apparent calmness
- a distraction from my own thoughts and a distraction of myself, because I am focused on another's life and therefore I don't judge me nor make mistakes. At the same time, I see that I am not creating anything either, I am only being an observer of other characters.
- The comfort of seeing the characters finding always a solution for their problems
- It gives me motivation to watch the next one because I want to follow the story; it feeds me curiosity about their story
So now, by bringing these points to myself, I can ask myself how am I
participating in the other polarity in relation to my own life/story? Why do I
participate in the resistance of facing and transcending my own problems, as if
I want to keep me in a time-loop without understanding my own mind, instead of moving forward, finding solutions
to myself and being curious to know me and my potential as Life? Why am I not
creating myself for the best of me in everything that I do, without labeling
my actions as "highs" or "lows"? Can I not read my
university deadlines in absolute stability and confident that I am going to
manage my time accordingly?
At the moment, I am grateful that I stopped the urge to watch the
series and directed me to write, stopping the indecision of the mind as to
"what should I do". Writing-self is a point of direction to stop,
clarify the headache of the mind and start again, prioritizing my
responsibilities and doing the best with the time that I have. Luckily my job
does not imply bringing work home so it depends on me to manage the 5 hours in
the evening to my self-commitments.
On my next blog I will write the self-forgiveness on the need
for external entertainment, which is a point of separation.
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