The Secret to Self-Fulfilment

Today's vlog is a turning point in my process. For those of you who know me for some time you know that this point of self-fulfilment has been a tough one - especially related to my belief system that a career or a professional path would fill the sense of lack that I have experienced thoughout my life. No matter how good I was doing in school and university, ending high-school with average of 19/20 or how well I do in my professional career, being in the UK's top 10% of earners, there has been an endless feeling of not being good enough, that something is constantly missing, that I am not in the right path or that I should be doing something else. I can see how easily I could have spent my whole life focused on the empty hole while disregarding the aboundance that has existed in me all along...

I see that I have been the one creating the hole. believing it to be real and digging it deeper each time. I have been frustated with looking for a solution to a problem that I was creating! Just like with big pharmas, it has been about creating the disease and selling the cure - which does not make sense and is against life but we are doing this to our ownselves already.

Some key points that I faced and that I can now see with clarity are:

- no path will EVER fulfil me.
The constant search for that one career that will fulfil me is a daunting task ahead that I do not recommend to anyone. The idea/fear that some paths will
fulfil you while others won't will keep you trapped and you will likely miss many real possibilities because you are still waiting for that Aha moment to tell you "That is the right thing for you" - a godlike voice that will never come. What I am finally learning is that when I create something, being a business or a career or anything it's more like an extension of myself, a physical manifestation of who I am already. The business or career will be as complete as my relationship with myself. The same applies to personal relationships and even parenting - our outer world is an extension of our inner world. It is not seperate, not more nor less.

- no relationship will EVER complete me.
There are many love songs that focus on the "other half" and "you complete me" so we probably never questioned the danger of such statements. If I am not complete with myself THAT is a red flag that needs attention - it is like our being showing us that there is something that we are not giving to ourselves. One may momentarily feel complete with another but this will not be sustainable and such emotional dependency will eventually destroy the relationship, which is really a shame. Finally, one cannot blame another for not fulfiling our empty space because no one will ever fulfill a space that is not real, but through this the potential of a long-healthy relationship will be lost for real...

- the emptiness will NEVER be fulfilled
The biggest take-away is this: the idea of emptiness is not real in the first place! Therefore, the belief that I will be more or better if I have this, or I am with this person, or I learn this or I do this is a recipe for unhappiness and dispair. The only thing that is really missing is Me, my relationship with myself, my trust and my self-honesty. Once I allowed myself to let go of this self-imposed idea of lack or that something is missing I was able to actual be stable within me. I could even appreciate who I have been thus far and the process that I have been walking in my 29 years of this lifetime. 

In conclusion, my self-stability has been defined by the feeling of being fulfilled which very seldom happens, as it is not real hence the state of not feeling I am doing enough or taking the right path for me, as it has been a point of separation. So my starting point to move myself/take action/create something in my reality must not be this idea of self-fulfilment.

Now THIS is the empowering part because once we change the starting point for creation - as it no longer being a fight or a chasing race for that emptiness - it really starts being the creation of something new that comes from me and that adds on to my life, just like our bodies create life manifested in a new born baby that is an extension of ourselves. And rememeber, all creation starts with a breath.

The second secret of this blog is that the new generations don't need to spend half of their lives missing themselves - so please do share this article and video with your friends. Let's assist each other to start creating the best versions of ourselves, by first being stable and whole individuals.



I have been walking my process of self-investigation with the support of the buddies at DesteniiProcess. Other key resources in my process have been the sharings of all the Destonians and the amazing content on the Eqafe Self-Perfection store. My husband's music and my pet pigeon are also great influences in my life.

Recommended podcast: I am fulfilled - Live Review.

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DAY 162: The Blame Game & How to Not Be Lame

In a recent chat with a friend I saw myself playing the blame card - a card that I thought it was no longer in circulation - and an interesting process started to unfold in relation to the pattern of blame. Often times challenging conversations become great gifts in our process of self-expansion but the treasure hidden underneath the shaking waters can be easily missed when the tendency is to try to forget about it, to ignore the inner conflict and finally blame the other person for whatever is going on inside. I tried holding on to this card for some time but it was pointless - everything within me was (still is) showing me the need to slow down and understand what is happening. So let me once and for all investigate the Blame Game within me and share some of my realisations that may support others as well.

The first element that I want to explore is the "blind spot of blame", which is the inability to see that my words towards another carry blame. There is this rush of putting words out without realising that these words (written or spoken) carry feelings and emotions towards another. This blindness not only disregards the impact that my words may have unto another, but it also means that I ignore taking responsibility for the thoughts that exist in my own mind, now thrown unto another like a basketball game. I would actually call this emotional blame as a cry for help, but it is often received as a shout that puts others away.

Why do I say that blame is a cry for help? Because it is a projection of something that is going on within ourselves. Be LAME, according to the dictionary is the inability to walk without difficulty as the result of an injury; it is to be incomplete, feebly and weak.

Obviously if another person is unaware of this the whole conversation will escalate into unnecessary separation but, if this is done with someone also willing to walk this process in self-honesty then the journey gets very, very interesting. The gift of bringing blame back to self is the journey that I am walking now - after many years of playing this game that I decided to stop.

On the tube today, the chapter that I was reading on "Further Along The Road Less Travelled" was exactly about blame (no coincidence hein) and it says that the only way to stop blame is to stop. Well, based on my experience this stopping needs to happen both physically - as in taking a deep breath and stopping my current participation in the conversation from the starting point of blaming another, but also mentally by not allowing the thoughts of blame to keep running wild in my mind.

Ask yourself: How many times did I blame another for the feelings I experienced inside? And did it ever help me? Did it help me to understand what was going on WITH ME? The answer is no.

It is apparently easier to blame another than to take responsibility for my own self, my own thoughts, my own reactions and my own self-disappointment. It takes a decision to slow down and to be brutally self-honest. What does this mean? Firstly, it means that I am open with myself to see the truth of me. Secondly, it is the awareness that whatever I am projecting unto another is a point that exists within me and that I am responsible for bringing back to myself. This has been tougher than I thought... How can I bring back to myself a point that I am not yet aware of? It is a process. As I allow myself to see, more points open within me to see and get to know myself further.

In the recent experience I was  blaming another for what I was feeling and experiencing inside me for not being supported enough, understood or cared for. So here I ask myself: where am I not supporting MYSELF enough, understanding MYSELF enough, and caring for MYSELF enough? Why do I expect to receive this sort of support from another and therefore react when I don't get what I believe I need?

Looking back in past situations where blame was a prominent blockage, I did not allow me to be responsible for the points that I was projecting - so what have I been avoiding to give ME? To Realize about ME? To change within ME?

So the blame reaction is a defense mechanism hindering me from investigating and understanding something about me. It is the realisation that the other is not the one triggering these experiences within me - I was the one creating this experience to sabotage a moment of self-expansion.

My starting point in the conversation was to get some sort of freedom, to let go of the relationship, to have a break from it. Now, considering that my relationships with others are a mirror of the relationship I have with myself, I ask myself the question: - What is it in my life that I feel stuck in and I want badly to break away from?

When I didn't get what I thought I needed, I reacted and I blamed the other for not caring about me or understanding me. I even blamed another for not giving me the peace that I asked for. But which peace is this? How can I blame another for taking my peace away when in fact it was this lack of peace within me that triggered the conflict in the first place?

The idea of freedom and release that I was hoping to get from another was a projection of the freedom and release that I wanted to have from my own mind, from the constant thoughts, the same situations, the inner conflicts, fears, thoughts, habits and behaviour.

I understand now that when my relationship with myself is of lame, whereby I feel incomplete and unsure about what I want for myself, the tendency is to look for someone outside of me to guide me - because this is how we have been educated (look up to family, friends, partners and god). When the response from the other side is the opposite of what we wanted (freedom, space, let go), the lame within is projected unto another in the form of blame. The apparatus can be such that the attention shifts completely from self to "the other".

The key is to be able to identify the underlying experience out of which the blame reaction came about; the reaction with others simply becomes the external manifestation of what is going on inside and that we still try to hide from our own selves. It is not to blame pre-programming or wonder about it when things happen or open up. Rather approach it as: Okay, what's my responsibility and response-ability within it?

So the journey through the blame game shows me who/what I have been accepting to be and do, and it holds a decision to either stop and see, or turn a blind-eye (I) feeding the emotion of blame to blind me even more. A heads-up is that the same situation will happen again and again until I see what I am doing, so why postpone? What is there more for me to see and be? Wasn't' the dissatisfaction that led me to wanting the breakthrough and created this whole spiral? If I were to know myself, care for myself, and trust that I am capable for doing what is best for me that my relationship with another would be different - from stuckness to expansion, from blame to seeing, and from fighting to cooperation.

Scott Peck says in his book that forgiveness is the stopping of the blame game. I see that until then I will hold on to blame as a shield protecting my own vulnerabilities. But the forgiveness process only manifests for real if it comes from within, through forgiving myself for the experiences, emotions and feelings that I have created inside myself and where I accepted the dissatisfaction, stuckness, confusion and the desire for a freedom outside me to take over.

In my next blog I will share the process that I am starting to walk through Self-Forgiveness in relation to blame ... Stay tuned.

Recommended Interviews: 

Blame: The Design

Blame: From Beginning to End

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DAY 161: Walking baby steps before running (or putting the legs up)

Yesterday I injured myself during my yoga class and through this I have been facing an important realisation when it comes to doing something based on an image, as opposed to doing it considering every single step of it. In this specific situation, I decided to do the headstand position based on how I saw other people doing and disregarded the process of learning the position and considering my own body condition. Despite the pain in my neck that I started feeling after trying the pose, I am glad that this point opened up as an opportunity to learn from it. It is not about fearing to try something new (which in a way I overcame it by trying) but it is about building the confidence within me in order to try something new in full responsibility and self-care.

As I was reviewing this episode, I could relate this experience with previous accidents that I had in my childhood and later in my teenage years where I was always trying to prove something to others (to my older sisters or to boyfriends or to friends that I looked up to). In these memories I can relate to the little preparation I gave myself as if I was impatient with my own learning process and wanted to go faster, to try a new path, to win, to do what other people were doing... The result was to fall/fail. I couldn't go so fast before first tying the slower version, perfecting my confidence and gradually attempting new variations of that action (either running, or riding a motorbike or then raising my legs on the mat).

I can see how one single experience, when analysed without the judgment or being right or wrong, can uncover so many keys to my own process of self-awareness and self-change. When I was mentioning this experience to my husband, it was really supportive to not hear him saying something like "that was silly" but instead he said: Once you recover I can help you with learning that pose. It is that simple: I need to walk the baby steps before I put my legs up.

Going back to the pattern of wanting to prove something to others, this is another interesting point to look at in self-honesty. I see that it is related to my habit of looking up to people when they can do something that I cannot, and then how I then allowed myself to forget the path that one had to walk in order to do it. Being the youngest of three girls, I can see how I used to look up at my sisters for doing things so perfectly compared to how I did them (e.g. writing, playing games, drawing, knowledge) and how I went into the idea of being inferior for not being able to do those things (yet). It was hard for me to understand that my sisters were born before me and that they had already walked the phased that I was going through. I learned a lot from them, but the sense of pressure came with the experience based on the belief that I should be able to do it, even before learning how to do it!

As I am typing these words I am experience an emotional movement within me, so I will investigate it further. But in the meantime, I will start by walking the self-forgiveness in relation to the thoughts that led me to try the headstand without considering my process of learning and considering my body.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on me/my neck by believing that I needed to try the headstand this day.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that doing the same poses over and over again is boring and therefore I should be trying something new, without realising that no matter what position I am doing it is me, I am my body, I am breathing, I am aware of myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own body awareness in the moment I tried to replicate the image of the headstand, from the mind to the physical reality.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise that I had not learned each step and therefore any attempt was not going to be a full replica of the picture I had in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project into my reality images of the mind, instead of using the physical reality as my reference and build from t(h)ere.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is time for me to do the headstand as if yoga has goals to be achieved outside of me and based on images of the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not being able to put my legs up even after I started to feel pain on my neck.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that someone in the room was judging me for the fact that I wasn't able to complete the pose and was "half-way".

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to be looked up at for being advanced or for doing other poses/variations.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the desire to achieve something or to achieve an image is real when in fact it is a projection of how I look up at people when they do something that I can't do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more or less depending on how people evaluate me/admire me or judge me.

I see, realise and understand that this judgement and imaginary person is actually a projection of my own judgement for not being able to do the pose as I had seen it. In this, I see that the image in my mind isn't real: what it is real is my body, my process of learning and now the pain that I feel for forcing the pose.

When and as I see myself desiring to copy what another is doing based on the idea that I am inferior and that therefore I need to do what they did in order to think of me as superior, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these backchats and thoughts are based on separation, on the idea of superiority and inferiority, in self-judgments and in comparison, and therefore not based on principles that I want to live for myself.

When and as I see myself putting pressure on me by thinking that I need to do something in order to feel good about myself and to have a sense of achievement, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these feelings are of the mind and are not real. I see that what is real is the process of learning, of developing my muscles, of training the poses and to take new steps based on a solid foundation.

When and as I see myself judging me for going too slow, being "behind" or inferior compared to other people's experiences, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this desire for an experience to validate, value myself or to see myself equal to another is not real, as Who We Really Are is not defined by experiences, by knowledge, by doing more, less, faster or slower.

When and as I see myself thinking of an image in the mind and believing it to be real and that needs to be created in my reality, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that seeing others or having an image can be of support/guidance but it will be me creating in real time that is real and that is me. I see, realise and understand that I am not that image in the mind.

When and as I see myself projecting my judgment to the idea that someone is looking at me or thinking something about me, I stop and I breathe. By bringing these thoughts to myself, I support me in slowing down the mind and realising that these self-judgments are not me, and are not the other.

I commit myself to support me in being diligent with the steps that I must take in order to perfect something, or to simply do something new and I commit myself to recreate the process of learning as self-enjoyment rather than rushing through it and judging me for being "behind".

I commit myself to live each step of the learning process in full presence and self-satisfaction without having an end goal or a desire for achievement that is based on an imagine in the mind.

I commit myself to use the self-judgments to see/become aware of the automatic thoughts and "programs" of my mind and to deliberately stop the judgments by breathing, by bringing me back to this moment, giving me direction in self-awareness and therefore change my relationship with myself.

I see, realise and understand that my actions are a mirror of the relationship I have with myself.

I see, realise and understand that who I am is here in self-honesty, is being aware of my body and considering any physical limitations.

Therefore, I commit myself to change my relationship with myself and to act accordingly, by supporting me in my process of learning, of being patient with myself and of being stable with myself no matter what stage of the process I am in. 

Curiously, yoga is a practice. That's it, just a practice...

If you resonate with this point, I recommend listening to these interviews:

Crick in Your Neck - Reptilians - Part 340

Crick in Your Neck (Part 2) - Reptilians - Part 341

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DAY 160: Relationship Patterns: Wanting to leave everything behind and shut the door... Really?

During a conversation with friends, when asked how I deal with the emotional build up in my relationship with my partner I thought of a pattern that I haven't visited for quite some time: the pattern of accumulating dissatisfaction until I reach a point of wanting to leave everything and just go... Actually, my partner and I have been pretty good at applying ourselves in our agreement of mutual understanding and never staying in a reaction for more than a few minutes - often ending with both of us moving through the resistance, stop the argument with a hug, honest apologies and take-aways for the future. However, in that moment sat at the table and honestly sharing about our experiences, I saw in the back of my mind this impulse based on an image that pops-up in my mind of leaving the house as a manifestation of not standing my partner anymore.

Despite knowing that this is a pattern of the mind and not actually the solution to whatever challenges we may face, I could sense an emotional tone in my voice as if trying to still justify this thought and believe it to be valid. In self-honesty, I see that this reaction of leaving is no different from any other reactions that I don't participate in (throwing stuff, swearing, screaming), the main difference being that my version of reaction only happens inside the walls of my mind. I never actually applied the dramatic movie-like separation of shutting the door behind me but this is what my mind is heading in moments where I see the same old-behaviours in my partner that trigger dissatisfaction within me.

When I was walking home, I looked deeper into this point and saw an opportunity to open it up for me and investigate it, once and for all:

• What is behind the desire of wanting to escape in the midst of an argument?
• What do I believe to experience by leaving my partner behind?
• Is it from my partner that I want to runaway from, or from myself? What does this mind-pattern say about ME?

I can identify in my childhood the voices of couples having arguments and also seeing people threatening leaving the house if things were not to change. This is commonly showed in movies and soap operas too. It is interesting to see that it usually comes after an argument or a disagreement, as if there isn't enough room for two people to coexist or as if there is an invisible wall that hinders a calm communication and understanding.

By bringing this point to myself, I wonder what is that I don't want to face inside myself and believe that it is easier to leave - as a point of powerlessness and giving up on myself. Even though there would be a sense of letting it go, I am actually doing the opposite because whatever is causing the emotional reaction is getting suppressed and accumulated within me until it comes out and starts building up again. Why am I not allowing myself to speak in the moment where I see something needs to be discussed, or ideas to exchange to find solutions, instead of believing that such changes will only happen if starting from 0 somewhere else or with someone else?

So for this I have to let go for a moment of the idea of powerlessness when it comes to changing our relationship for the better and assist another to see what I am seeing, for example a correction in relation to house chores, washing the dishes or any other routines that are often at the heart of the argument. I must also be willing and vulnerable to hear what my partner says, as it can be a great support and reference for my own process of self-change.

I notice that the emotional build-up tends to explode in moments where I feel particularly vulnerable (e.g tired in the evening) or physically weak (sickness or pain). It happens that in these moments my outburst is a call for help more than anything else - I need support and cooperation, and also a sense of equality in the contribution to the house chores, especially if I am not feeling well to keep up my own tasks. From my experience, our bodies are also indicating us a point that has been neglected either through mental exhaustion or accumulation of non-resolved emotions and judgments. So the dissatisfaction towards my partner ends up being a mirror of how I feel in relation to my own self and therefore a great opportunity to look inside, if I am aware of this inside-out process.

Another dimension that I see in this pattern, is the idea that I would not experience this with someone else different. It is interesting to see how my mind projects the dissatisfaction towards another in the polarity of imagining the opposite (positive experience) with someone else. Nevertheless, the common element in the alternative reality is ME and therefore, the likelihood of going through the same pattern with another person or ending up with someone with a similar personality is strong enough.

In essence, whatever I am facing in my current relationship will keep on happening until I transcend my own mind of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, perceptions and judgments. Once I apply myself in my own self-honesty by investigating the source of my own emotional reactions, letting them go through forgiving myself, then I am able to stand by myself and change my communication with my partner, the outcome of disagreements, and ultimately our shared reality.

On my next post I will share my writing of self-forgiveness. Stay tuned :)

Recommend resources:

Inequality in Relationships - Quantum Systemization - Part 78

Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments (Part 1) - Life Review

Walking Through Resistance to Hugging - Relationship Success Support

What Your Thoughts Do When You're Unwell - Quantum Systemization - Part 81

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Day 159: Who Are YOU in the face of disagreements?

When it comes to arguments or to simply being in disagreement with someone's ideas or opinions, I notice the tendency within me to focus so much on the clash of the minds that I forget about who I am in midst of it all. The consequence of getting obsessed with what another said to me for example suddenly becomes a traumatic experience that I prefer to avoid rather than investigating -- a nice way to hide my mind from myself! So on this post I will open up the other side of arguments and disagreements, which is the window of opportunity to get to know me, to investigate my own reactions and to let go of the burden that I have perceived such an experience to be.

So the question that came to me was: Who I Am when a discussion intensifies and my view differs from another's opinion?

Until now I have been perceiving another's comments as a personal attack to me, whereby I take it personally and I believe that I must defend myself from the "attack". If I look at my past memories of being in an argument with someone (this often happened with my sisters) I see that I could easily go into an offense mode, either by feeling offended or by spitefully wanting to offend another (the called "low blow"). From that moment on, I can also see the fear of its escalation because I have seen minds fighting before - words are used irresponsibly and the real topic that was discussed slips into second plan because now it is a battlefield for the minds and the energy thereof - I was no different and the same has happened to me, for as long as I participated in my mind.

This is precisely what I am currently changing within me.

What happens if I decide to be stable even when I may sense that another person is reacting?

What happens if I give myself time to respond instead of responding in the heat of the reaction?

What happens if I bring the reaction fully back to myself and recognise that whatever happens inside myself is my own creation?

The answer to these questions will definitely be different from everything that I have been living thus far, because I know exactly what happens when none of the above is applied - there is space for resentment, for sadness, for emotions, for disappointment, for fear, rupture and separation. The other person is just a mirror of all the emotions I allow within myself, first and foremost.

As part of my process of self-investigation I am decided to break down these patterns and to walk through Who I have been in the face of disagreements, in order to live Who I Want to Become in every moment of my life.

I will now look at the tendency to take words personally/as an attack from another.

I see that I would not react to comments if there wasn't something about me in it, meaning, the reaction is a veil that hinders me from seeing something about myself. So the other person actually assists me to uncover aspects about myself that I am not seeing or willing to see.

In a recent experience, the best way to describe my reaction was for feeling misunderstood - for wanting to explain myself and despite my efforts my words were being twisted and interpreted in a certain way that was not my starting point. From this I went into a perceived powerlessness because I was trying to convince another person of something about myself. But why do I need to convince someone about who I am? By bringing this point to myself I see that it was not about the other... It is about me standing for myself, stable and without self-doubt. It is about me being absolutely certain about my starting point and therefore not even reacting to any potential misinterpretations.

It is interesting to see that I was almost missing this point if I would have not stopped the emotional reactions and looked inside. I also see the effect of the reaction because from that moment on everything else was contaminated with the reaction and I was no longer stable within me. A practical tip to not allow emotions to take over is to let go for a moment - in this case, to not respond immediately to another and instead, give me time to stabilise myself again and come back to see the situation in self-honesty and common sense. It may be even a couple of days until one is calm and does not react immediately to another person - because it is not about the "other" but about what I experience inside myself through another.

Based on my experience, writing the backchat or the reaction can assist to let it go however it will not actually assist me to look further inside myself. That is where self-forgiveness comes in. By forgiving myself for the emotions I am participating in, I am able to slowly but surely take off the layers to dig deeper into self-awareness and understand new points about myself hidden behind reaction and fear.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the friction and the thoughts in my mind when someone states a different view of the world, politics and society.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take another person's views and comments as a personal attack to my own self and to my vision for the world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into irritation within me when I notice that my words are being twisted and used in a different meaning than my initial starting point.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of how another may use my words based on the belief that I am being attacked.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to respond to defend myself (in this case my mind) instead of participating here in self-direction, in eventually clarifying what is going on without expecting to be either accepted or understood.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the friction that I feel in the moment I read/hear a comment that is in disagreement with what I am writing/saying is real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another person is angry at me because I am not in agreement with them. In this, by bringing this point to myself I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another for not being in agreement with my views or with what I say. In this, I see, realise and understand that I am the one creating anger within me and projecting that towards another.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the emotional reaction and the thoughts thereof are real. I see, realise and understand that the thoughts that come from the fear and the reaction are actually indicators of what I am still allowing myself to participate in and I can decide to look into these, forgive the reactions, the fear and allow myself to change myself in relation to Who I am in the face of disagreements.

Self-Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself seeing the emotional reaction building up when I am reading or hearing comments that are in disagreement with what I stand for, I stop my reaction and I breathe.

I commit myself to slow down my mind until the point where the thoughts exist no more and I am deliberately grounding myself here in my breath. From here, I assist myself to recognise the pattern of reaction to disagreements and my responsibility in not feeding this friction/energy anymore. I commit myself to give me direction to see the common sense (or lack of it) in the disagreement and in making sure that there is no emotion involved in my participation, whereby my starting point is no longer about defending myself/ego but rather in clarifying whatever is not being clear to another based on my understanding of how the world is and how it should be.

When and as I see myself going into self-doubt when someone questions my integrity and self-honesty, I stop my reaction and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that my reaction is an indicator of where I am not unconditionally standing for myself in self-trust. Therefore, I also see that it is not about responding to another or defending myself because there is no quick fix for this - who I am as self-integrity and self-honesty is a decision that I live inside me, in every moment and that I stand in what I say and do.

When and as I see myself participating in irritation when I am seeing that my words are being misinterpreted and twisted into a different meaning, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this irritation exists within me and this is where my focus goes, not about the other that is activating the irritation! By identifying the tendency to get irritated when things go out of my control because I can't control how another will interpret my words, I see, realise and understand that there is nothing to be worried about. All I can do is to assist me in being honest with myself in the words that I write/speak, in trusting myself unconditionally and in being stable within me when facing my mind and another's mind. I assist me in seeing the situation with a clear view without the emotional/taking personal personality and instead create the space to clarify the misinterpretation.

When and as I see myself participating in the urge to reply back to make my voice heard and try to change how another sees things, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this urge is based on my desire to have another agreeing with me and ultimately change the other person, which is not how it works. Therefore, instead of participating in the friction of the disagreement, I assist me in being responsible for my self-stability in order to listen to another without reacting nor taking comments personally. I also give myself time to look at the points being discussed without reacting to it, and to reply (if applicable) in absolute self-stability and practical common sense.

From here, I see, realise and understand that I am creating myself differently in the face of an argument, I am letting go of the idea of wanting to defend myself / be seen in a specific way or wanting a specific outcome out of the conversation, and I assist me to focus on Who I am in this moment within myself - that is then projected in who I am and say to another.

Recommended resources for self-support:

Misinterpretation - Quantum Systemization - Part 48

Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments (Part 1) - Life Review

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Day 158: The Refugee Crisis: A Wake Up Call to the Devaluation of Life

A few years ago, I took the decision to voluntarily leave my family and study for a year in France. Later on, I chose again to move and work in the United Kingdom. Within the European Union, such mobility is promoted and there is no need to justify your decision or to have a visa to do so - as an European citizen and within the EU it is my right to establish wherever assists me to develop to my utmost potential, to keep growing, to know a different culture, to speak new languages, and to be financially stable. This makes absolute sense to my generation, however 30 years ago (before the Schengen Agreement) this process would have been much harder to achieve and probably older generations couldn't imagine such openness. When looking at the refugee situation, the resistance to embrace the newcomers is the resistance to a new reality that needs to be as flexible as the one granted to Europeans. The difference is that this is not a voluntary migration but rather imposed unto people for not having a choice: they either flee or they risk their lives by staying in a war-zone (or becoming the fighters themselves). What would you choose? 

Since reaching its media attention this year, I see that the refugee crisis comes down to a crisis of priorities that began long time ago in our world and is affecting our sense of humanity. The shocking images that flooded the big screen in the past months, along with xenophobic comments from the far-right are symptoms of a bigger problem, that is: The Devaluation of Life. 

The belief that one's life has more value based on where one was born reminds me some medieval-like-wars in a Game-of-Thrones-land, almost unthinkable in World Wide Web times. However, this year's events showed a darker side of Europe where countries started closing doors to those in desperate need, in a clear reflection of barbaric attitude against the "others". The main difference is that before speed-of-light communications we would not understand how wars happening in the other side could be interlinked with the people on this side of the world.

In today's reality, in developing nations we have the support of real-time analysis, people's reports, factual testimonials, whistle-blowers, bloggers and documentaries raising awareness to the needs of the few being paid at the expense of the many. Further down I briefly clarify how the war in Syria and in other countries in the Middle East are directly related to the lifestyle European/Western citizens enjoy. For the moment, let's look at the mental barriers that hinder us to know the "other side". Any attempt to blame the "other" for not being able to take care of its own people is a sign that we haven't yet grasped the interdependency that all countries coexist in, or how world politics and economics really work. The idea that borders separate us from other humans is another illusion but is simply showing the success of economic and political interests in diminishing our inherent value as equal beings sharing this planet.

Similarly to the manifestation of solidarity with the French events, first with the Charlie Hebdo attacks and then with the 13/11 terrorist acts in Paris, it is time to stand equal and one with refugees, reminding ourselves that many of our ancestors have also escaped from war-zones and that we must not accept further wars to break the lives of future generations. Only by standing in solidarity with refugees will be able to demand political action to prevent such atrocities again. That is why I state: I am a refugee / Je suis un réfugié - whatever is happening in this moment in time I am part of it and, as Martin Luther King said "No one is free until we are all free".

The destructive wars that people in the Middle East are fleeing from are not only killing them from the inside, but also limiting any chances of survival. I have been asking myself: what would I do if I was caught in such a hostile environment? I would most likely do what they are doing to find a peaceful place to live and begin the healing process.

I am originally from Portugal, a country within the European Union that has been under a tough financial crisis and where there has been a devaluation of Life too. I have been seeing the slow-death of joy in many people's hearts struggling to survive. Economically speaking, the education, people's work and the resources in the country aren't enough to cope the hardships that the economic war imposes unto them, so many decided to emigrate to find a better environment to grow-up, to learn from and to create a better life for themselves.

In a recent interview I run independently in the centre of Lisbon, I asked the Portuguese people how the country could help the current migrants and refugees. There is a common tendency to think that we first need to help "our people" before we can help others. Another perspective was that migrants and refugees wouldn't be happy in Portugal either because of the poor life standards that the majority of the people have now. Nevertheless, many agree that we must be able to stand as an example and offer as much help as possible, since our problems are far less than the ones that the people from war-zones are experiencing.

By looking at the statement that we can only help "others" after we help the nationals of a given country, we see that the migration crisis is a mirror of what is happening already within one's borders, where poverty and homeless people have been difficult social problems to tackle. This is an opportunity to finally address the social and economic issues that are preventing EVERYONE from creating their own destinies, and the refugee crisis is simply enhancing the existing non-sustainable social structures where poverty and inequality are still a reality for many Europeans.

If the European countries were all stable and all their citizens lived well, would people embrace refugees, or would there be cultural clashes, fears and other mental limitations used to justify the lack of funding, infrastructure or social support? Systematic changes take time to be understood and accepted by people, especially when people have been educated (brainwashed) to define themselves as the national symbols, and feel threatened by multiculturalism and diversity. But as with the principle of mobility within the EU, global mobility from the East to the West, from the South to the North are a reality that must be welcomed and taken into consideration, not suppressed or punished.

In relation to the interdependence we all live in, we can easily look at our western lifestyles and wonder where prime resources come from to keep us warm, to enable transportation, industries and to essentially make society run. As with any other war, the root of the problem is related to the control and dominion of land and natural resources in specific areas of the world. According to Oil & Gas Journal, Syria was estimated to possess proved reserves of oil at 2.5 billion barrels as of January 1, 2015 and shale oil resources, with estimates of reserves in 2010 ranging as high as 50 billion tons  (see http://www.eia.gov/beta/international/analysis.cfm?iso=SYR). This is what is the ultimate justification for the destruction that is causing people to flee from war zones. Therefore, in the name of our own comfort but also in the name of the comfort of all the other human beings, it is our responsibility to find solutions that consider what is best for all. We don't need to wait for further revenge or terrorist demands that will perpetuate the perceptions of separation. We all know that the only solution is to mature international relations toward a new level of cooperation, responding to everyone's needs and fostering peaceful living.

In my perspective, the biggest lesson to learn from the migration crisis is the consequences of our Devaluation of Life. Despite all technological advancements, we haven't yet been able to come with plans and actions to manage world resources fairly and equally, and to apply political will to consider all peoples of the world. It is also a red flag about the false perceptions we have of "other people" based on specific religious or cultural differences that are deliberately shown by the media as the problem, instead of educating that differences are sources of diversity and expansion.

Additionally, I suggest that this becomes an opportunity to challenge that narrow-minded belief that we can either help "our people" or "the others", and instead we adopt the possibility of "having both" - this can be possible by creating the funds to address the social-economic priorities of nationals through solutions such as the Living Income Guaranteed, while at the same time fund the immediate needs of refugees through the profits we are making in exploiting local resources, and finally to establish a common ground for the West and the Middle Eastern societies to benefit from shared resources in a sustainable way through fair diplomatic negotiations based on the principle of valuing Life.

Why do we continue to play musical chairs with people's lives, knowing that this world and our species has plenty of solutions to offer?

I also recommend watching the open discussion on the Refugee crisis organised by the Living Income Guaranteed, where you will hear first-hand experiences about the integration process of refugees in Sweden, Denmark and in Germany. As Anna Brix Thomsen demystifies, we fear that which we don't know and that is also why many people have resistance to accept refugees in Europe - but once the mental barrier is transcended, a whole new world of opportunities, of personal growth and understanding is available toward a better future for our humanity.

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Day 157: Feeling anxious, stressed and under pressure is NOT normal

Today I woke up feeling anxious and I went into the experience of anticipation, thinking that I had forgotten to do something or that I had forgotten something somewhere the day before. There was also dissatisfaction by thinking that I had not been as good or that I had done some mistake the day before.

Then I stopped the thoughts and asked myself: Why am I perceiving me as capable of doing less than who I am? Why am I automatically distrusting my ability to do everything at the best of my ability and to not forget stuff? Why am I creating this anxiety in my own body?

The answer was: I am the only one who can stop the judgments, the automatic anxiety, and the thoughts that feed all of these automatic reactions. I am the only one who can forgive myself and let go all the unsupportive mind of old habits, ideas, fear and self-distrust.

I got up, I slowed myself down through breath and I forgave myself out loud. I forgave the thoughts, the imagination, and the scenarios in my mind that were justifying the anxiety and stress. I restarted the day, stable and in self-awareness.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed the feeling of anticipation within me and to believe that this feeling is real.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine situations (often the worse case scenario) where I have forgotten to do something and to react even further to these thoughts. I see, realise and understand that by feeding the thoughts I am continuing the cycle of reaction-thought-reaction that creates additional anxiety inside myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me when I forget things and to punish me mentally for it, instead o seeing that the reason why I forgot things is that I am busy in thoughts (thus not present in the moment 100%) in the first place, and to assist me to learn from this mistake to not repeat it again.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that feeling anxious, stressed and under pressure is normal and that this is the only way I can move myself to do things.

So,

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and under pressure based on the anticipation that I have forgotten something or that I am late, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that the energetic response of reaction does not support me/my body and that it is not a solution for me to remember things or to move myself. I see that the thoughts of anticipation are automatic behaviours based on old habits and memories that no longer exist here and that now I am fully responsible for doing things/creating my life differently.

When and as I see myself feeding the feeling of anxiety and stress with imagination about what I could have done "wrong" or forgotten to do the day before, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that whatever happened the day before I cannot change it, however I can change what I do with the remembrances of it and I can also take responsibility for doing things differently from now on. I also realise that who I am in relation to my reactions is also my responsibility so instead of going into stress and pressure I commit myself to be the solution to myself: if I have forgotten something, I learn from it and I proactively find a solution to start applying now.

When and as I see myself judging myself for whatever I have forgotten to do or for thinking that I wasn't good enough the day before, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that these self-judgments are lies that I tell to myself automatically to feed self-distrust and that feed the stress, anxiety and anticipation.

I commit myself to stop the cycle of energetic responses inside myself and to trust my ability to stabilise myself through breath, through slowing down the mind and by stopping feeding the thoughts that justify the anxiety and stress within myself.

I remind myself that anxiety, stress and pressure are not who I am and therefore I commit myself to not allow automatic mind reactions to take over me/my direction/my decision to stabilise myself and be present.

I also see, realise and understand that the more aware and present I am, the more I am able to do things fully and therefore prevent thoughts of self-doubt, anxiety, stress and pressure within me.

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DAY 156: My relationship with myself, seen through the eyes of a bird

A new little bird joined our family a few weeks ago. This time was a female pigeon that was standing still by our doorstep and when she tried to fly she fell down on the floor. Our commitment to assist the life of our pigeon was extended to this new being that landed on our lives and we simply started doing everything in duplicate: feeding them, playing with them, putting the nappies, enjoying their company, putting them to sleep, and creating a stress-free environment for them and for us.

After two weeks, we decided to take our female pigeon to the park as we were under the impression that she wanted something else. As opposed to our male pigeon that has beenliving with us for longer, the female seemed less open to our presence, constantly screaming in fear when we approached her and enjoying being alone most of the time. She was older than when we found out first pigeon and within three days with us she could eat by herself and fly with excellent control. All of this lead us to think that  she had all the skills to expand herself out there and therefore we should re-assess what she wanted: either to stay with us or flying high out there.

Another thought that was defending this position was the fear of being judged as a bad person for keeping a wild bird at home and domesticating her. Her wild expression was so cute and genuine that I didn't want to mess with it either and I started feeling guilty for preventing her from being herself. As many of those walking the DIP Process know, all these thoughts are not actually about the other but are projections of a point that exists within me - in this case, the feeling and emotion of guilt, wanting to control what happens to another, and wanting to be perceived as a good person are all mirrors of points that I am facing within myself.

IIn this blog, I am addressing self-judgments projected toward what I believe others think of me. This is a point of assisting myself to realise that only I can take responsibility for the thoughts that exist within me, understand where they come from and decide to stop these thoughts. Curiously enough, these new thoughts and experience of self-distrust made me consider that new parents may also experience the need to make a baby feel OK and take personally when the baby cries or is unsatisfied.

In my next blog I will share the process that I have been walking in relation to the decision of letting her go.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as a bad person for keeping a wild bird indoors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this judgment towards other people and think that they judge me for keeping a wild bird at home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to think that Duquesa (the new female pigeon) is unhappy and that she wants to leave our house because we are not good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I see her flying to the window because I think that I am failing to keep her happy and well.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take Duquesa's behaviour personally and to think that she is not OK because I am not giving her enough attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distrust my ability to know what is best for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the negative and positive mood within me depending on what Duquesa does.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I am responsible for Duquesa's instability indoors and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame me when she goes against the wall and window.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in emotion to my relationship with Duquesa based on the idea that I can't deal with female birds.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect that my relationship with the new bird to be the same as I have with Marques (projection), instead of considering this new being in its uniqueness and embracing this new relationship as an opportunity to expand myself in it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire her to stay with us so that I don't feel bad about myself and I don't think that I am not a good person to her.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty in case she decides to fly away and for taking her decision personally.

Self-corrective statements

When and as I see myself feeling ashamed for keeping a wild bird indoors, I stop the judgment and I breathe. This emotion of shame is a point of self-distrust towards my decision to assist the bird in her own path no matter what path is (indoors or outdoors).

I see, realise and understand that the judgment of being a bad person for keeping Duquesa inside only exists within me and that I am responsible for stopping it. I also see that the emotional reaction of pity towards her and myself only exist within me and that is clouding my ability to see the situation in common sense and what is best for her and for all.

When and as I see myself taking Duquesa's/another's attitudes personally and thinking that I am failing in being liked by another, I stop these ideas and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that the backchat about myself exists first and foremost within me and that the need for being liked is not real. I also see, realise and understand that I am basing my reactions in an idea and imagination that she doesn't want to stay with us, which is a contradiction; I see, realise and understand that through these thoughts I am actually separating myself from another being and not allowing me to be fully stable when interacting with her.

When and as I see myself reacting to her reaction against the nappy and against being indoors, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to stay stable and grounded in my relationship to Duquesa despite her reaction. I assist me by placing myself in her situation and in giving her an environment that is stress-free, stable and that accommodates her needs. As it happened when Marques, this is a new process to all of us and I can only be open to the response from her and understand that this is a moment of change to her too.

When and as I see myself thinking that I should simply open the window and put her outside, I stop and I breathe. I am aware that it is night now and that birds don't see in the dark and that such an act would not be self-responsible. I also see, realise and understand that any decision taken based on an emotional reaction does not consider what is best for all as it can only address the emotion of the mind (and a quick fix).

Therefore, I assist me in slowing the mind down and in considering solutions that address the current moment, such as going to the park in the morning and see if she wants to fly away.

When and as I see myself blaming me for killing the wild nature of a bird, I stop and I breathe. By bringing this thought to myself I see that I am feeling limited if I was kept indoors and I had wings to fly. I see that I am also projecting my fear of doing something wrong towards the bird by keeping her indoors.

When and as I see myself feeling sad by thinking that she is loosing her self-expression here with us, I stop and I breathe. I see that I am defining her self-expression as an idea of what birds should or should not do instead of seeing that a being self-expression is not something that I can take away.

When and as I see myself distrusting my ability to know what is best for another being, I stop and I breathe. I assist me in focusing on common sense and basic needs where we are equals/similar. I see that she is currently safe and restful, and that it is not my purpose to keep a bird prisoner against her will.

I commit myself to stop the ideas that another doesn't like me and that I am failing in keeping another happy. I commit myself to take responsibility for the thoughts that I allow in my mind and I assist me in recreating my self-stability and self-trust in self-honesty, and to assist me in realising that who I am is not dependent on how another responds to what I do.

I commit myself to stop the self-judgments and the shame for keeping a wild bird indoors and to stop projecting these unto what I think others think about me. I commit myself to focus on what is here, what I can do to assist another, and what is simply common sense to do such as rescuing a bird in need and addressing the situation as it evolves.

I commit myself to bring the point of judgment and of wanting to be liked by another back to myself, and I assist me in being stable in my decision, in applying myself and in standing for myself. I also commit myself to trust my decision of trying to assist this bird unconditionally without expecting to be liked, or to be approved or to be seen as better for doing it.

I commit myself to stop imposing her a path based on what happened with Marques. I assist me to be open to solutions in real-time so that I can give her what she needs to express herself and be OK.

I commit myself to recreate my relationship with Duquesa from wanting to save her to actually see her as equal to me and to always base my decision of supporting her life as I support mine.

I commit myself to look at practical solutions to apply in moments where she is agitated and flying against things. I commit myself to breathe to stabilise myself first and to not react to her agitation.

I commit myself to be patient her and with myself, and to make sure I am stable in my relationship with Duquesa, either at home or if she decides to fly away.

Recommended resources:

A Pigeon and World Peace: Conflict resolution in real-time: http://joanaslifeprocess.blogspot.com/2015/04/day-71-pigeon-and-world-peace-conflict.html

The Consciousness of the Dove: https://eqafe.com/p/the-consciousness-of-the-dove-part-1

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Day 155: How to Deal with Crazy Drivers on the Road

Recently while cycling I noticed the tendency of wanting to take revenge on drivers when I see them doing silly moves on the road. I feel the urge of teaching them the "lesson" of what they just did by screaming at them. I feel angry with the person and I believe that I must do something about it.

If I look at this reaction closer I see that I am the only one building up the anger within me and that I am the one creating stress inside myself. Even if the other person caused some dangerous situation that frightened me, whatever happens after it is my responsibility. It is also my responsibility to stop the reaction and give me my stability back.

Another point that I discovered is that the anger that I may feel in the road context is actually showing me something underneath. So I started asking myself: Where is this anger coming from?

My point in relation to what the driver did might be valid but the anger is not. So I also started doing an exercise of checking within me other areas of my live where I am experiencing instability, for example, is there any frustration from my work or relationship that I am projecting into this present moment?

First and foremost, I must deal with the reaction because this experience is completely dependent on me. Therefore, I decide to assist me to stop these thoughts and I forgive myself for the stressful experience that I create to myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another person when they so something silly on the road.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the urge of giving them a lesson by shouting at them or by doing the same silly thing unto them.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project this situation in the mind and imagine my attitude against another.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to imagine me taking revenge against another and to tell them that they did a mistake and that they are wrong.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to move myself from the starting point of attacking another.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to be unconditionally stable within myself, directing myself in self-awareness while cycling, and to not get distracted by the thoughts in the mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to speak with another from a starting point of punishment and superiority.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another for my reaction when I know that I am the one allowing the reaction to prevail within me.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself getting angry at another for something that they did on the road and to blame another for my experience of stress and fright, I stop and I breathe.

I see, realise and understand that this is an automatic reaction based on seeing adults getting angry at each other on the road and that I am responsible for deciding who I want to be in these situations.

When and as I see myself blaming another for my experience and thinking that another deserves to have the same fright that I did in order to not repeat the scene, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that revenge is an emotion that only exists within me if I accept it and give value to it. I also see that imagining punishment will not solve the problem nor assist me to see the situation in common sense.

I see, realise and understand that I can direct my communication with another without reacting or participating in emotions, and that this approach is the best for both of us so that we can create an understanding about the issue and how it can be prevented in the future.

I commit myself to stop creating unnecessary stress within me by thinking that I need to give them a lesson, punish them or be mad at them. Instead, I assist myself to stop the imagination, to stand stable within me and to stand as an example of compassion, self-stability, maturity, and respect for another. I commit myself to speak with another in common sense and self-stability, without allowing the emotional reaction stepping forward. 

I commit myself to stop the ego-energy of wanting to be right on the road and to stop the belief that the other drivers are against me.

I commit myself to focus on being unconditionally stable to empower myself to be aware of myself, to be safe, and to change any automated reactions that distract me from being here. I also commit myself to create solutions for myself and to assist me interacting with others in constructive ways that are the best for all in any situation.

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