September 27, 2014

DAY 142: Why relationships escalate into conflict / boredom? How to Prevent it?

"One of the primary things in terms of conflict / boredom in relationships is that the MIND stays the SAME - being with one person, same concoction for conflict / boredom, because previously, when you were 'single', your mind was stimulated by many different people and things most of the time... now you are exposed to ONE person, ONE mind and your one mind...all the time...with NO CHANGE..." Sunette Spies

I was reading this statement and I could relate to my own relationship with my partner. Additionally, I can also see the consequence of taking this conflict/boredom into its extreme by seeing other people's relationships falling apart. By bringing this point to myself, I see that there have been moments in my marriage/agreement where I thought that change would only arise if there was a drastic and radical change - for example, breaking up, or leaving, or not speaking with my partner - all kinds of drama scenes in movies can apply to this "need" to see change happening.

But does it really mean that I have changed?
Not at all.
Because such reactions are a sign that I am first and foremost bored with my own self; I believe that I am powerless to change the relationship, to act upon the situation, to change the other and mainly, to change myself.

These two last points are key - the belief that I am unable to change the other implies that I desire the other to change because I believe that this will make me feel better about myself. In self-honesty I see that the starting point has been of complete self-interest and not actually caring about the other and wanting the other to reach his fullest potential. I also realise that I am the only one able to change myself, to deal with my mind and create my own self-fulfilment.
Another pattern that happens within me is to get to the point of believing that I don't need to change because it is the other who is causing the instability within me. This is one of the best examples of blame and resistance to face my own mind and to investigating what is happening with myself.

Even though these moments are less frequent nowadays, whenever I go into conflict in my mind it assists me to write, to forgive the energy reaction, to forgive the blame, to forgive the resistance to speak with another, to forgive the shame of having all these reactions and thoughts, and it also assists me to listen to the Eqafe interviews for a new perspective on the point that I facing (by searching for keywords such as blame, change, hopelessness, relationship, etc.). When conflict emerges in my relationship to another it is an indicator that I have not stopped me from participating in the backchats of the mind and that I have not taken responsibility for the inner-conflict that exists within me.

A tricky example of boredom happens when I desire the reality to match an image in my mind and an idea of how things "should" be. I try to place this hologram in front of my reality but it does not fit - so it is easier to blame the reality rather than investigating the image/ idea that exists in my mind (- where did this idea come from? By whom was I influenced to believe in it? Why is this image so rigid?) which I have deliberately created for myself. It is also interesting to see that it is easier to focus on how things "should" be rather than looking at how things can be, based on practical reality and new solutions that can be applied now.

In the end of the day, I realise that I create my own hopelessness and suffering by believing that my mind is right and therefore, if my reality doesn't match it, then reality is wrong. I put pressure on me and on my partner unnecessarily because  I believe that the image in my mind will make me happy. So my happiness is dependent on an image and everything else is just wrong and is creating unhappiness.  Meanwhile, I go into judgement by thinking that what is here is not good enough - I judge me as not good enough, I judge the others as not good enough, I judge this world as not good enough, I judge my job as not good enough, I judge my career as not good enough, I judge my relationship as not good enough and I judge my life as not good enough.

Now I ask myself:
Did I ever consider that ALL that I was missing was ME? Did I ever Decide that I am Here and that I am capable of stopping the "not-good-enough" backchat? That things will not move and change if I am not willing to change myself? That my relationship with my partner will never change if I won't change my communication, my habits, my needs and beliefs? Did I ever consider that my life is stuck because I allow myself to be stuck in my own mind?

Just like Sunette described it, I realise that my mind goes easily into searching new things to think about, to get distracted by, to be motivated in order to escape from my own boredom. Time is invested in emotions, in experiences, in entertainment while the real cause of the problem (and the cause of the solution) is being missed. No matter how many new relationships I have again, how many new places I live, how many new people I meet, the same Me will be unstable unless I stop being unstable. This is the type of brutal self-honesty that is required.

Curiously enough, over the last years I haven't taken any radical change in my life but quite the opposite - my decisions are taken in greater consideration, through communicating with others, writing about it and being creative to find solutions never thought and allowed before. This has greatly assisted me in the process of creating my Self-Stability and unconditional Self-Trust. 

A self-honest decision is not a snap-decision or a reaction towards something or someone. The process of living the decision implies the commitment within oneself to change, to do things differently and to apply the decision in every moment of breath. 

I have been realising that I am the beginning and the end of my own life, meaning, that no matter what happens around me and inside me (such as emotions) I am fully responsible for it as my own creation. This also means that when I am not satisfied with something in my life, being it my job, my behaviour or my relationship with my partner, I must remind myself that I am fully responsible to change this point from this moment onwards. This is Real Self-Empowerment. This is Real Self-Change. This is Real Self-Trust. This is Real Self-Creation. This is a Real platform to build a relationship with another.

Finally, I have been also realising that I will face my mind for as long as I don't change myself - and this is actually where boredom comes from because it is tiring to see the same point coming over and over again and thinking that I am unable to change it or direct it to a different outcome. Actually, the mind works like a guidebook that shows me my thinking patterns, my habits, my addictions, my fears, my feelings and emotions, my judgements, my relationships, my ideas and my desires BUT it is up to me to RECREATE myself in order to change who I am in relation to each mind pattern and to move from reAction to creAction.

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1 comment:

  1. Very Cool Blog Joana - I have been looking at the very same point and come to the same realizations for myself in relation to experiencing boredom in a relationship is about me being bored with my own expression and with my own stagnation with regards to walking my process of Self-Change. Thanks for Sharing this point!


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