Just before I pushed
the "live" button, there was a shift within me. In a matter of
milliseconds, I though that I couldn't
remember what I had prepared myself to say and I became nervous inside myself. I had to go Live so we started. There was a
shift in my attention and my mind was busy with the fear of failing and not
being able to express myself in English. The fact that I was already live
forced me to push for myself and to live my commitment of presenting the
hangout and do that which I had decided to do. I had two guests with me and I
realised that I could barely remember their names, even though we know each
other for long time. I wasn't stable within me and I was judging myself for
that. Curiously enough, the topic of the hangout was exactly about the mind
shifts, the parallel realities and the consequences that each one creates to
oneself. This became the beginning of an evening of self-investigation and I am
grateful that I had the support of the Desteni group and the hangout assisting
me in facing the energy of fear that I have been postponing for years.
Once the hangout has
finished, I gave myself time to investigate through writing what was going on
within me. I looked at my week and the memories that were popping up. My
self-instability had not been a sudden thing and the manifestation of
instability during the hangout had been the climax of a point that started
manifested a week ago, related to self-trust. Not only that, I was also using
previous experiences of presenting hangouts to imagine my presentation when in
fact that "hologram" was not real and I was responsible for creating
my presentation, creating my self-trust and creating the present moment. Like
it happened with Jasmine, I was using my past to define my present which caused
this distraction within myself and separation from my present reality. This
experience confirmed that there is no middle-way: I am either Here or in the
mind - and in the end of the day there is actually no choice rather than to
stop "living" in the mind and to stand in self-awareness in the real
world, if I am willing to change myself. What happened after was absolutely
amazing: my body was uncomfortable, I was feeling this nausea in my belly and I
was having chills in my body. My husband started asking me questions as to what
I was thinking and the word that came up was fear. Obviously, my husband didn't
stop there and continued pushing for myself to speak, to expand myself and to
not suppress what was happening within me. While speaking to him, I was
actually speaking to myself, I was clarifying myself and going through the
layers of thoughts until I reached the point of Trust. In that moment, the fear
energy became preeminent in my chest and it was overwhelming - as soon as I
started stating my Self-Forgiveness on the fear energy I burst into tears. The
energy was here, I could feel it in my chest as this massive wall that I
thought was impossible to transcend. So I kept on forgiving each thought and my
attachment to the fear energy that I was holding myself to. Physically it felt
I was near a precipice and I feared to fall. I cried even more when I faced the
word Courage - the courage to walk through the fear energy that exists within
me. Through Self-forgiveness I was able to release the energy and bring me back
to Here and become physically stable. I was still feeling cold but no longer
nauseous.
New points opened up
in my writing and a new understanding of the energy fear became clear within me
when I listened to the interviews Stop in the Name of Fear and The Differencebetween your Beingness and Consciousness for the second time.
I decided to share
this point because it may assist those that fear speaking in public or doing
live hangouts. The points I suggest investigating are the point of self-trust
and fear and to not postpone it anymore because it will eventually manifest for
you to face it. Just like it is explained in the Life review, whenever there is
a resistance, there is a fear that one must face in one's process of
self-change. Why wouldn't one want to change if our fears are actually limiting
our expression, our being and our utmost potential?
I will now share
specific self-forgiveness and self-correction statements that are assisting me
in walking the fear and self-distrust manifested when speaking in public:
Self-Forgiveness
on the FEAR ENERGY:
I forgive myself for
having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the fear of
making a mistake when I am doing something in public or when I am speaking in public.
I forgive myself for
having accepted and allowed myself to distract me with the fear energy and with
the thoughts fed by the energy, instead of focusing myself on the message that
I am going to speak and in who I am in each moment of breath.
I forgive myself for
having accepted and allowed myself to fear to become nervous and being unable
to deliver my presentation because it is "too hard" to do it (=to
face the fear).
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the
energy of fear within me.
I forgive
myself as my body for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the energy of
fear and through it create the images and the thoughts that justify the fear.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame another person or event
for the fear that I feel within me when in fact the fear is my own creation and
I am responsible for understanding it and stopping it.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear energy
within me, in my words, thoughts and deeds.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the fear energy
towards the things that I do, instead of assisting me to investigate where the
fear comes from and find/apply solutions to practically assist me, rather than
feeding and believing that the fear is a requirement to be aware of myself.
Now that I am aware
of the fear energy and the real consequence of distrusting myself, I commit
myself to practice my Self-Stance and self-trust in every moment of breath.
I commit myself to
stop the thoughts, ideas about myself and the image of failure in my mind as I
am aware that I am the one feeding the energy and thus the one able to stop it
within me.
When and as I see
myself participating in the images of the mind and the energy of fear in my
solar plexus when I am speaking in public, I stop and I breathe. I realise that
slowly but surely I am walking the process of releasing the fear energy from my
physical body and that each moment is an opportunity to apply my decision of
stopping living/being fear.
I assist and support
myself to be patient in the process of stopping the fear within me and to not
get distracted with the images of the mind.
I realise that going
into fear is a self-sabotage based on the idea that I am not ready or that I
can't/I am limited. I also realise that I fear that which I don't know or that
I don't understand. Therefore, I assist myself through writing and self-investigation
to understand the fears within me and walk the process of changing myself and
giving me direction.
I commit and assist
myself to direct me in stopping the fear energy and to not allow it to take
control over myself and my body.
I commit myself to
trust me in my process of stopping the fear energy within me and changing my
relationship with myself, from self-judgement to self-awareness,
self-correction and self-respect.
When and as
I see the energy of fear manifesting in my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe.
I commit
myself to stand stable when I am facing the fear energy and through this I
assist me to change my relationship to fear, from fearing the energy to
understanding how it was created and then release it through self-forgiveness.
Self-Forgiveness
on SELF-TRUST:
I forgive
myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.
I forgive
myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust my decisions.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust my creation as who I
am, what I do and say.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as a false and as a
liar.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am lying to
others. By bringing this point to myself, I realise that I am only lying to myself when participating in the mind of thoughts, beliefs and self-judgments.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have self-distrust as my
starting point.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be
misunderstood and judged when I say something.
I forgive
myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from
self-trust.
When and as
I see myself distrusting my own self, my actions and my decision, I stop and I
breathe. I realise that this self-distrust is not real and it comes from my own
self-definition, ideas and beliefs about myself.
When and as
I see myself judging what I do as not good enough or not perfect based on an
idea of perfection that I have in my mind, I stop and I breathe.
I realise
that the image of perfection in my mind is not real.
I commit
myself to work with myself in reality and in real time to perfect myself, to
expand my self-awareness, to increase my vocabulary, to stop the emotions and
to create my own self-stability and self-trust in who I am, in the words I
speak and in my actions.
I realise
that the state of self-distrust is a justification of the mind to limit myself
and to fear leaving my comfort zone and to investigate new points within me.
I also see
that the projection about what others judge about me is showing me that which I
judge about myself. Therefore, when and as I see myself judging me about what I
say or do, I stop and I breathe.
I commit
myself to embrace me in every moment of breath and to stand with and as myself
in my words and actions. I realise
that the personalities that I am judging are not real.
I commit
myself to trust my process of getting to know my mind and of correcting me to
become one and equal with Life here.
I commit
myself to stop judging what I do or what I say as being wrong and to stop
participating in the polarity of right and wrong that keep me trapped in my own
self-judgement, self-distrust and fear energy.
I commit
myself to focus on who I am in every moment and to assist me in being and doing
that which is best for me, in unconditional self-honesty and self-trust.
I commit
myself to change my starting point of self-distrust to recreate unconditional self-trust
and to take responsibility for trusting myself in every moment.
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Ty
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