August 03, 2014

DAY 138: When the reaction becomes physical

The Characters I Play to Hide The LIE that is Me – by Andrew Gable
I have been experiencing an enormous reaction within me since Friday. The context associated to it has to do with issues with my internet provider and the lack of competence to fix the problem in a timely manner. However, the reaction itself is my own creation and there is no one or nothing to blame - I am the one accepting this event to take control over me, rather than me directing the point in unconditional self-stability. 
Physically, I have been experience nervousness, mood changes, tiredness, headache and difficulty falling asleep.

One interview that assisted me to understand where the physical discomfort is coming from  is the Reacting to Your Mind - The Future of Consciousness series, which I recommend listening to. Through it, I learned how I can take the emotional reactions in a supportive way to assist me in the process of investigating my mind and directing myself. I realise now that the physical discomfort is a gift that my mind is giving to me so that I can open the point that is triggering and feeding the reaction, through writing about it, checking the memories, thoughts and words associated to the reaction. If I miss this opportunity to direct the specific point that is manifesting in my own mind, that will mean that I will have to go through the same energy again to see the point again and eventually deconstruct it and change myself. A time-loop is not really an option because that means that I am accepting and allowing more energy to be generated in my own physical body to create once again all the thoughts and backchat related the reactive emotion. The point is here and now, so I will open it up for myself.

While I am writing now, I am noticing my eyes wanting to close for a nap - the perfect self-sabotage and defense-mechanism to not go into the deep layers of my own mind.

I order to open up the point, I will start applying self-forgiveness on the thoughts and backchats that I am responsible for directing:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react to the customer assistant based on the backchat that they don't know what they are doing and that they are not helping ME!

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and react to the limited internet access at home in the upcoming week.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define my experience by the lack of internet access at home, which I see it is of helplessness because I don't have a confirmation of when this problem is going to be solved and when I can resume my online participation.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to blame the provider for the frustration that I am allowing myself to participate in.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed the myself, as my body, to be controlled by the reaction instead of me directing the reaction towards an advancement in my process and in my relationship to myself and other people.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the reaction in my tone of voice when speaking with the operator over the phone, which I see it was based on an emotional reaction and powerlessness related to the lack of clarity and solution.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed the reaction to expand and grow within me like a virus, instead of me stopping it and giving it direction by focusing on finding a solution to the problem.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with the other person because she was not saying that which I wanted to hear. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on the external world in order to be stable within me, and therefore keep on feeding the reaction and blame within me.

I realise that speaking in a firm way to find a solution to the problem must not imply an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that the only way for me to be heard and be respected is if I react and raise my voice.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take the internet issue and the provider's mistake personally, like a personal attack.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reaction in my thoughts is real and that I have the right to react when a service is not given properly. In this I realise that I am the only one playing the reaction game within and in my actions, and therefore I realise that I am fully responsible for the physical discomfort that I feel in my body.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on me to have this problem sorted even when they said to me that the department was closed and that only tomorrow they can look into it.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having had this issue because I judge me as unable to direct the point of choosing the best internet provider.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that other people are more able to insist and negotiate a solution.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feed the backchat of having bad luck to justify the reaction, rather than seeing that no matter what happens in the external world, I must stand as my principle of self-stability and self-responsibility for my thoughts, words and actions.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally to negative situations that do not correspond to the image of "how things should be" in my mind.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire all my relationships to be peaceful and therefore to react when there is a situation of disagreement and when the solution is not straightforward.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become part of the problem by reacting and wanting to project my reaction onto another, instead or standing as an example of self-stability and focused on finding the best solution, instead of making the problem bigger than what it is.

Self-Corrective Statements:

I realise that by desiring the positive scenario to play-out I am actually feeding its negative polarity, and so, I can take this opportunity to see how I am creating the polarity and instability for myself and how I can correct me by not giving in to the thoughts and to rather work with the physical reality towards real solutions.

I realise that I judge people as weak if they don't react and, based on this, I react in fury because I want to be seen as a strong and a respectful person.

In this, I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to be a strong and trustful person within me in every moment of breath, in how I deal with my own self and how I direct me in my process of stopping the mind and rebirthing as Life in the physical body and in this world.

I realise that feeding the reaction will create consequences in my other tasks because I am allowing the energy to consume me and this is not the best for me or to my physical body.

I commit myself to use this experience and these thoughts that the mind shows me to change myself in real time whenever I face a problem in my reality or something unexpected happens. I realise that the reaction against the unexpected (being it a positive or a negative emotion) manifests because I have created an idea/image of how things should be, so I am already establishing the platform for the reaction to manifest to any other scenario.

When and as I see myself imagining the perfect scenario in the mind, I stop and I breathe. I realise that in reality things take time and that such scenarios can only be used as a reference but not as a definitive outcome considering that there are other points to be considered and other people/systems involved.

When and as I see myself going into a thought of reaction and imagining me reacting to another, I stop and I breathe.

I commit myself to give me this opportunity to direct my mind and to change my programming of automated reaction to a stable communication, first with myself and then to the other.

When and as I see the mind showing me memories of people reacting and getting what they want, I stop and I breathe. By bringing this point to myself, I realise that I tend to respond in panic and quick solution when someone is reacting for the sake of keeping a 'peaceful' relationship and making everyone happy. In this, I realise that by participating in another's reaction I am actually being self-dishonest and maintaining the pattern of problem-reaction-solution in this world, which is not a real solution to the problem because a reaction is never based in common-sense but in emotional energetic charges. I commit myself to assist me in seeing, realising and understanding that the idea that people get what they want when they react is a belief-system within me, based on manipulation and self-manipulation that limits me, because according to my belief system, if I don’t react I am weak and the other is the winner.

When and as I see myself judging me as weak if I don't react to the problem/person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a process of walking in self-honesty for myself, stopping all the self-judgements and the thought patterns that create unnecessary consequences for the sake of keeping an image of "strength" and for wanting to "win" the case - therefore, I commit myself to stop the judgement of weakness/strength associated to the reactive pattern. I realise that such judgement is based on my own experience of perceiving reactive people as being successful, when in fact the reaction is affecting self and everyone else unnecessarily. I also realise that such competition is pointless because in a reaction everyone loses the potential of changing the pre-programme reaction into a fruitful outcome that considers what is best for all.

When and as I see myself taking the problems personally and thinking that nothing goes as planned, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the obsession with planning in the mind is an indicator of the excessive attention and energy that I put into the mind, rather than being fully present in my physical reality and direct myself in real time and working with what is here, without anchoring myself to the images of the mind of "how things should be".

I commit myself to stop the reaction within me, breathe, slow down the mind, see the thoughts and live the decision to direct my thoughts to support me in finding solutions to myself and, consequently, to others and to this world problems.


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