July 19, 2014

DAY 137: Going For It When the Mind Shouts in Fear

A moment of change can be as simple as not believing in my own fears and in moving myself physically to do something that I would not do if I was to follow the mind. This moment happened just now, when I decided to pick up Anna's cat outside - I said Yes I can go, but then in a matter of milliseconds I had these thoughts in my mind of What if I have an elevator accident, what if the cat attacks me, What if I get stuck in the elevator, What if the cat gets stuck in the elevator, What if something harmful happens. All I could see were reasons not to go out of the apartment, as if this the safety inside was real. Obviously these reasons were based on fear and not based on any common sense whatsoever. I had to stop the thoughts and assist me in remind myself that I had taken the decision to go outside, make a break, meet the cat and bring the cat home. So I got in the elevator, I kept on stopping the mind attempts to feed the fear of having an emergency, I left the elevator, I went outside and there was the cat, waiting. I stood there, no more fear was disturbing. The second part of this episode was when I realised that the cat was not coming to me. In that moment I had another assault of fear, thinking What if I get close to the cat and she attacks me, what if she runs away. So I reminded myself again to be present and to work with what was here- I sat on the floor and started to talk with her, patiently waiting for her - I decided to live the decision of bringing her home, rather than believing that this was going to be simple or difficult. I then started to slowly getting close to her while talking with her. After 5 minutes she got up and started walking in my direction. I walked next to her, very slowly so that she would not get scared and we got in the building together. The third part of this story happened at the elevator, when the two fears came together: being in the elevator with the cat - which in my mind was like Being in the elevator that can get stuck or fall, with a cat that can get really scared and attack me inside the elevator. It was as simple as getting in the elevator, going up and coming out, however I was still participating in the energy fear. For a moment I even thought that the cat would smell the fear and jump out of my arms - I mean, who would like to be in the arms of someone shaking and in fear? I breathed, I focused on holding the cat in my arms, opening the door in a very calm movement, coming out and getting home.
As soon as I got home I saw that this had been a cool moment of standing for the decision to go out. Even though I still participated in the initial hesitation during milliseconds, I walked through it for real. The fear is a sticky glue that my mind uses to keep me in a state of apparent safety, when in fact having fear itself is an indicator of self-distrust. How can I be safe outside of me when I am not safe within me, as in every decision, word or action? By accepting the fear of going out I was opening the door for the fear of dying, for the fear of harming myself, for the fear of being irresponsible with the cat and ultimately I was being irresponsible towards my own self because I did not want to change my relationship to fear.

I now see that the cat was there assisting me unconditionally; I was seeing in this projection the idea that I created about me when I am in fear. Why do I accept me to become the fear? Is the fear more than me or is it me accepting and allowing the fear to be more than me? Is the fear more than life or is it me accepting the fear to be more than life? Am I fear or am I accepting and allowing myself to be fear?

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become the fear of going outside of the apartment.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts in my mind and the imagination about me going out are real.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to place the fear above my own self-stability and my self-trust in creating my decisions unconditionally and within common sense. I realised that the backchat that motivated the fear was based on imagination and in "what if" scenarios that are out of my ability to direct.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of fear out of a situation where I am enjoying myself in doing something new to me such as picking up the cat outside.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind shouting is a real voice that I must listen to it. Instead, I realise that the mind is showing me the point that I must look at, the point that I am holding myself to, the fears that I am limiting myself with. Therefore, instead of getting scared with my own mind, I can work with what the mind shows me and direct me in my living application to not live out the fear. 

When and as I see myself having the mind shouting me the what if scenarios  I stop, I breathe and I look at what the mind is showing me. 
I commit myself to see for myself that I am creating the fears to myself and that I am limiting myself by believing that these scenarios will happen when in fact I am the one stopping myself in my own reality. I realise that even before I got in the elevator I was already imagining that I would not leave the elevator alive, therefore the elevator was simply a projection of my own fear of death.
I commit myself to direct myself in my own responsibility to stop the fear and the backchat of death.
When and as I see myself participating in the creation of the "what if" scenarios, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I am responsible for stopping the thoughts and the fears within me, moment by moment. I realise that regardless of what happens outside of my ability to direct in the world, all that I can direct it is me and who I am in every moment of breath.
When and as I see myself sabotaging my decision of doing something new that I have no point of reference such as picking up the cat by myself, I stop and I breathe. I realise that the mind is showing me other reference points that work as a comfort zone because I got used to live in/as fear.
I commit myself to stop being the living manifestation of the fear of the mind.
I commit myself to stop "living" the fear of death. 
I commit myself to create my own stability by not going into fear and in trusting that my decision is the best for me in any given moment. 
I commit myself to trust myself as life in every decision I take in the physical reality instead of trusting in the thoughts of the mind.


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