July 05, 2014

DAY 136: Symptoms of the I'm not Good Enough personality

This week I came across a behavior within me of holding myself back in actually showing how dedicated I was in my task, as if I wanted the other to believe that I was good in what I was doing by pure magic. There was also this backchat, or should I say backdoor open in my mind about leaving things averagely done, but not in full perfection as I could potentially do.

I was looking at these symptoms and the thought "not good enough" came to my mind. I then realised that I was actually manifesting in my physical action the belief that I am not good enough, even though I had spent time training myself for that specific task.

So, why did I hold myself back? What is that I am trying to limit from my own self?

I decided to look on Eqafe for further perspectives on this personality and the Life Review I'm not Good Enough came up in the results. As soon as I started listening to it, I got amazed and overwhelmed by the similarities of this person's experience regarding the "not good enough" belief that she also had about herself. I took deep breaths to slow myself down and to simply listen to her words and be present.

What I am realising is the  following: not living up to my utmost potential is a form of giving up on my Self. This means that I am accepting and allowing myself to give up on Life, my Life.

The experience I had this week assisted me to look at the points of self-worth and my potential, which brings me back to the 1st principle  of My Declaration of Principle:

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

In my case, I see that the personality behind this self-imposed limitation is the belief that I am not good enough, either towards a specific job, career, relationship or even my own life style. When I first came to London I thought that this was too good to be true, meaning, too good for me; when I got my first job here I thought I had luck and through such thought I was de-valuing all my efforts in learning new skills, my time invested in improving my professional English, my self-direction in meeting people and the ultimate reward of a job offer.

A new pattern emerged when I started my MA and I realised that I was doing my assignments from a starting point of simply passing it. That's what happened during my first year, until I saw what I was doing - I was imposing a limitation to my own self by not going beyond the "pass" and to fully express myself and dedicate myself to develop the skills required in my field of studies. This actually reminded me some of my colleagues at school that would be extremelly happy for passing a test despite the low score - there are many reasons as to why kids don't have better grades but one of them is the belief that one cannot and will never reach a better position in life, which probably came from the social-economic environment that one grew up with. Imposing a low potential to oneself works against our own development and I saw that for myself in how I was using the excuse of working full-time, for example, to justify not doing a better at Uni. There is obviously the practical time and availability required to study however in self-honesty I can see how I was manifesting the backchat of simply wanting to pass. During this year I noticed the physical change in my attitude towards my studies and the self-enjoyment is extremely rewarding because I am going beyond my self-imposed limitation and I am directing myself to the best of my ability.

The questions and, therefore, the answers are inside me and I know exactly what I am doing when I accept less than who I can be.

As it is explained in the Eqafe interview mentioned earlier, the "Not Good Enough" personality is a cover-up of the mind that we accept and through it allow ourselves to be powerless; the belief that such thought is real makes us live such personality until we have given up of ourselves completely. Just like she did in her life review, I look back in my childhood and I could see moments where I have defined me as not good enough, especially when comparing myself to my sister and to other adults. At that time I did not have the tools of Desteni to realise that comparison was not supporting me and, even though my parents have always pushed for me and valued my work, I haven't done that for myself. At school, even though I had the best grades in the class there was still a dissatisfaction within me because there were things that I had forgotten and that I could do better. So now I am looking at a pattern related to the "Not good enough" personality which is self-distrust and lack of self-worth. The consequences of participating in these patterns have eventually manifested in adulthood like an automated mind-programme that manifests in almost everything I do. So I must support me to stop, look at what I am creating for myself and decide to stand for myself.

What is the resistance to stand for myself unconditionally and to respect me as Life?

In order for me to be able to know myself, I must investigate these points in self-honesty, without any hidden agenda within myself. I will start by scratching the surface:

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of valuing me and telling others what I am capable of doing at work and school for example.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else is better than me and therefore I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not being good enough by comparing myself to the ideal of perfection that exists in my mind (projected to others).

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the opposite polarity of imagining that I am being recognised by another as being great in what I do. I realise that the desire to be recognised by another is not real and that I am the one who is able to stand in unconditional self-support and self-recognition in everything that I do.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by people's positive compliments and by people's negative feedback.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into powerlessness and nervousness when I recieve negative feedback and to go  into excitement and self-worth when the feedback is positive.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that holding myself back is the norm in the society because it is better not to stand out by doing things differently or to be fully dedicated to things.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my full dedication to something or to a project based on the idea that perfection will lead to criticism and judgements. I realise that these judgements exist primarily within me and these are related to the fear of being excluded for doing things perfectly well and as the best I can.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge my work (especially during my school years) by comparing it with my colleagues. I now see, realise and understand that I was feeding the idea and self-definition that I must be better than them, instead of doing my best for myself and to make sure that I develop my skills to reach my utmost potential.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of having the best grade or the best salary or the best relationship with my husband or to become the best of me in my life. At the same time, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me as the grades or any other system evaluation - I am aware that the system is not based on fairness or equality and therefore I must not define me as it and I commit myself to stand stable and to know where I stand as my Principles.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to value me only if others value me, which is a catch 22 considering that each one is us is in our own bubble. I realise that my self-worth must be unconditional and based on self-honesty only.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise my work as an extension of me.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the reaction of dissatisfaction towards who I am and what I do. I realise that I am trying to fit in an idea (like a hologram) that exists in my mind and that I get frustrated when I am unable to play out such image of perfection.

I commit and assist myself to stop participating in the image of perfection in my mind because that it is not real. I realise that the "I'm not good enough" personality emerges from the images of the mind and from the comparisons with people that I have perceived to fit in the image of perfection in the mind. Therefore, by stopping participating in the image of the mind I am assisting me to start living perfection in my own actions, by learning and applying my skills to the best of me.

When and as I see myself participating in self-distrust, I stop and I breathe. I realise that self-distrust is based on previous experiences and in the accumulation of self-disappointment that I still use to justify the belief that I am not self-worthy and that I cannot trust myself to change me. I realise that my process of changing my relationship with myself exists in every moment of breath and therefore I commit myself to stop manipulating my present and future based on my past experiences and memories which are also a manipulation of the mind.

When and as I see myself participating in the polarity of feeling ashamed for doing something perfectly well and for explaining to others how I have done it, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I resist to talk about my merits based on the fear of being judged as egocentric and as smug. However, I realise that these are the judgements that I have created about myself. Therefore, I commit myself to assist me in standing for my actions, to talk about my actions without any judgement and, if a judgement come up, I commit myself to look into it in self-honesty and see for myself if there were any manifestations of the ego and of a "show off" personality (which is also motivated by competition, comparison and superiority/inferiority). If such personalities exist, then I correct myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see myself holding off my potential based on the idea that I want to fit in the image of humbleness, I stop and I breathe. I realise that every definition that I have created within me must be redefined so that I can allow myself to expand outside of my own self-judgement. I see that currently every definition that I have created about myself is being used to limit myself and to suppress my potential.
Therefore, I commit myself to investigate and redefine the word "humbleness" in order to align myself with the words and to start living the words for the best of me and for the best of this World.

I realise that any judgement that come up in my mind is an opportunity to correct the relationship I have with myself, and to direct me from self-judgement to self-worth, developing a self-supportive relationship with my own self.

I realise that the way the mind works holds on to the accepted self-definitions and judgments that I have imposed on me. From the moment I unconditionally embrace myself and investigate where self-distrust comes from, there are no judgement for the mind to hold on to anymore. It will require practice and consistency within me to reverse my mind and to start living the principle of self-worth.

Picture by Tiger Talk Series


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