- "Why
wasn't I able to stop the emotions?"
- "It's
not that you were not able Jo - it's simply that you didn't..." (Excerpt
from a chat with Sunette)
This
lake of emotions is now clear to me but the only reason I could see that I was not stable was because of the consequences of emotions in the various areas of in my life - for
example, I have been reactive towards people and towards events when things
don't go as planned; I have also
been physically exhausted and at the same time with difficulty to sleep; my
physical expression and intimacy with my partner seems to be blocked; and,
ultimately, my ability to take decisions went down the drain.
Regarding
the last point, I haven't allowed myself to take direction in this current of
emotions. As a result, I haven't been able to stop thinking about certain
points in my reality without actually deciding upon a solution - my mind is
hooked in the same thoughts without any productive outcome whatsoever! Just
like Anu explained in his interview "How to Make Choices", it is not
possible to take a clear decision in such a cloudy emotional environment - I am
literally unable to see the various options, the dimensions to consider and the
solution in common sense.
This "swimming
in emotions" is indicating that I am accepting emotions inside of me for a
longer period of time than is necessary without standing within a decision
inside myself to direct them and instead look for practical solutions. Physically,
I have been facing the consequences of the emotional energy effect on my body -
not only feeling exhausted, but also had an urinary infection that required
antibiotics, a couple of red spots on my face, an allergic reaction and burning
sensation in my left ear (Inner Self) and some articulation blockage for a few
seconds on my left index finger and on my right big toe. I thought that sports
would assist me in reducing stress, however this time I was also reactive in
sports and I was allowing myself to be fearful and imagining that I would hurt
myself.
Mentally, I see that
the more I participate in the thoughts and I believe in the thoughts and
emotions to be real, the more I go into this state of directionless because all
my attention and resources go into the emotion so there is no energy left for
self/for my physical action and for solutions to myself. I can also see the
domino effect playing out, whereby I start imagining all the other areas of my
life going into chaos and failure, creating even more stress and anxiety within
myself. For example, I had a problem with my internet at home and, since then,
that other problems unfolded simply because I wasn't able to direct the other
things as I would normally do - the reaction became a virus that I manifested
whenever something didn't work. If I had not participated in the first
reaction, that would have potentially worked as an example to myself to apply
in the other areas of my life. Even if I had participated in the first
reaction, that must not be an excuse to justify the next reactions.
Stopping the emotions is a decision and, as with any decision, I must
practice it and apply myself in every moment so that change happens.
This is my
commitment as of today, this moment, now.
I am
aware that the energy build-up had happened and I am
still recovering from it so I must not be hard on myself in terms of trying to
fight the thoughts and the emotions. As Sunette says, initially I won't be able
to NOT go into thoughts and emotions AT ALL - my main focus is to when I see I
am thinking too much and in a state of emotion, I take responsibility. Meaning,
I write out the emotion and I forgive myself until I am stable.
Also, I must not
believe that the emotions will go away by themselves because there is no magic
in the process - I take self-responsibility, I face the emotion, I understand
where the emotion comes from and I let it go through self-forgiveness. Sports
by itself won't help unless I make sure that I create my self-stability first,
which is only possible through writing because I slow my mind, I stop
participating in the emotional energy and I am able to see the problem and the
solution for myself. The imagination is still active in my mind and I dreamed a
lot last night again, but instead of believing it to be real, I will
investigate the patterns, the fears, the desires, and I let the images go.
By taking
responsibility for the emotion that exists within me, I start the process of
correcting myself and changing myself.
I am grateful for
having the support of the Desteni buddies to assist me in my Process and in reminding me of being Assertive with myself and Standing Up for myself. The fact that we
have regular chats has definitely supported me in opening up this point and
understanding what was going on over the last two weeks. I will now do my "homework" and
write the list of emotions I've experienced since the point opened up and do
some sounding of self forgiveness until I feel stable.
More on this to come
in my next blog.
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