As I mentioned on my
last post, today I will walk the self-forgiveness in relation to the depressive
state of mind of self-defeat that manifests when I am dealing with my studies
for example.
Before I start, I
will relate this pattern of depression and self-devaluation with the pattern of
holding back to problems. What I mean by this is the habit that I created
within me of always having something in the back of my mind preoccupying me. I
actually can't remember the last time I was empty of concerns! Within this
realisation, I must ask myself what kind of comfort do I experience for holding
myself to problems - is this my agenda? What life am I creating for myself if I
am always holding myself back to the anchor of definitions, of self-judgment
and ideas about myself and the world? If I am holding myself to problems how am I able to create solutions?!
Why am I not
applying myself in every moment to help myself?
It makes sense now -
the pattern of accumulation of problems is a habit. That is why, despite the
fact that I have all the tools I need to help myself dealing with my mind, I am
still choosing to live the comfort of the mind. The accumulation of SOLUTIONS throughout time
implies a constant correction throughout time too.
I have the time now
to work on the points that are here, now.
I forgive myself for
having accepted and allowed myself to define me by the pattern/problem that I
am working within me and therefore not walking out of the pattern/problem.
I forgive myself for
having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the comfort of "having
to deal with something" is real, when in fact I am allowing myself to
postpone the practical application of the solution for the problem.
I forgive myself for
having accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the problem because that is
all I have ever known and this idea gives me the comfort of the self-definition
and habit.
I forgive myself for
having accepted and allowed myself to postpone my practical application to
problems such as stress and exhaustion at work or in my studies, that I see this is not supporting me to build the foundation for solutions within me and to apply myself in all that I do.
I forgive myself for
not having accepted and allowed myself to take every moment of my lifetime to
walk my solutions and help myself to stop the problems/patterns within me, and
by doing this, stopping the accumulation of problems over time.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to define my problems as "too big" and
therefore justify the length it is taking me to transcend the problem. In
self-honesty I realise that I must practically and actively participate in
deconstructing the problem in every moment, through self-awareness, writing,
real-time change, self-investigation, self-forgiveness and through
self-corrective commitments otherwise it will not magically go away.
On my next post I
will walk the self-corrective commitments as part of my decision to correct the
problems and become my own solutions in this lifetime. In the meantime, I
recommend listening to the interview What You Take For Granted - Life Review.
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