March 27, 2014

DAY 129: Holding myself back and the accumulation of problems throughout time

As I mentioned on my last post, today I will walk the self-forgiveness in relation to the depressive state of mind of self-defeat that manifests when I am dealing with my studies for example.
Before I start, I will relate this pattern of depression and self-devaluation with the pattern of holding back to problems. What I mean by this is the habit that I created within me of always having something in the back of my mind preoccupying me. I actually can't remember the last time I was empty of concerns! Within this realisation, I must ask myself what kind of comfort do I experience for holding myself to problems - is this my agenda? What life am I creating for myself if I am always holding myself back to the anchor of definitions, of self-judgment and ideas about myself and the world? If I am holding myself to problems how am I able to create solutions?!

Why am I not applying myself in every moment to help myself?
It makes sense now - the pattern of accumulation of problems is a habit. That is why, despite the fact that I have all the tools I need to help myself dealing with my mind, I am still choosing to live the comfort of the mind. The accumulation of SOLUTIONS throughout time implies a constant correction throughout time too.
I have the time now to work on the points that are here, now.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define me by the pattern/problem that I am working within me and therefore not walking out of the pattern/problem.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the comfort of "having to deal with something" is real, when in fact I am allowing myself to postpone the practical application of the solution for the problem.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the problem because that is all I have ever known and this idea gives me the comfort of the self-definition and habit.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone my practical application to problems such as stress and exhaustion at work or in my studies, that I see this is not supporting me to build the foundation for solutions within me and to apply myself in all that I do.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take every moment of my lifetime to walk my solutions and help myself to stop the problems/patterns within me, and by doing this, stopping the accumulation of problems over time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my problems as "too big" and therefore justify the length it is taking me to transcend the problem. In self-honesty I realise that I must practically and actively participate in deconstructing the problem in every moment, through self-awareness, writing, real-time change, self-investigation, self-forgiveness and through self-corrective commitments otherwise it will not magically go away.
On my next post I will walk the self-corrective commitments as part of my decision to correct the problems and become my own solutions in this lifetime. In the meantime, I recommend listening to the interview What You Take For Granted - Life Review.


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