DAY 128: Where change begins

This morning I woke up with this old sensation within me of wanting to avoid the day ahead and the things that I have to do. In self-honesty I see that this pattern has been around mainly related to my relationship to the Masters that I am taking, however I have been trying to hide it with other things that I have judged to be "easier" tasks in order to almost forget my study responsibilities.

So when I finally got out of bed, I gave me a moment to stop the thoughts and to start saying Self-Forgiveness out loud about the self-defeat thoughts that I woke up with, such as "I am not good enough to have a Masters, I don't deserve to have it if I don't study for it, I am not as dedicated to it as other people are", and I got to the point of seeing that I haven't simply walked the decision of actually changing my relationship to my studies, to my career, to my priorities. Instead of learning from others, I have been using comparisons to interiorise myself and to justify my self-judgments of not being able to become the best I can be in my studies/academic performance. This relationship pattern already existed within me and it is now being projected towards my studies, so I can embrace this opportunity to get to know me on this point and start seeing how I can change my relationship with myself and, consequently, with my studies and everything I do in every moment of my existence.

After this I decided to start my day with a plan of action, starting with a nice breakfast and a list of things that realistically I should be able to do with the time I have today. A very important thing that contributed to this self-stabilization within me this morning was to decide to watch the most recent DesteniiProcess hangout, where I heard the words that I was not giving to myself. That is why I called today's blog Where change begins, because this was a point that the panellists focused on: starting by Self is the only way to make the change happen. No comparison should be involved, no self-judgment, no self-defeat, no powerlessness - if that happens in my mind, I am aware that I am the one allowing such mind-set to possess me and to control me. In self-responsibility, I can stop the thoughts, forgive myself, and assist myself to change in the moment, give myself direction and, in my case, restart my day with a plan that corresponds to my study responsibilities and to my decision to expand my expertise and my potential through doing a MA.

On my next post I will share my Self-Forgiveness and my Self-Corrective process in regards to this depressive relationship towards my studies and my redefinition of my priorities.