August 14, 2013

DAY 82 - The Fear of not Making It

One of the points that arose in my mind following Bernard's death was that this Process is "too big" for me and I cannot make it, because I associate death to a punishment and that dying is a form of a "time out" of Life. It is fascinating and scary at the same time to see how the mind tries to justify events that I don't understand/not yet aware of, and that is why imagination pops up: because I don't have a reference and I believe that I "need to know" in order to Live.

Well, this knowledge is a distraction and an entertainment. Instead of feeding the imagination, I can/must start with the thoughts that are here manifested at the surface, so today on my post I will walk the idea that this process is "too big" for me and the associations I have created towards death.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard's death must be justified so that in my mind I create a protection mechanism to avoid looking at the point that Bernard was walking, as I fear to have the same sudden death.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to perceive death as a punishment of God for not living my "mission" or whatever ideas I have of what I should be doing.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I am not protected by Bernard's common sense anymore and to believe that without Bernard I cannot take decisions for myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that my heart will stop if I go through intensive points wihtin me instead of stopping comparing myself to Bernard and stop justifying the resistance of the mind of continue walking my points in detail until I am fully clear within me.

When and as I see myself comparing myself and my process to other people's process, I stop and I breathe.

When and as I see myself participating in the resistance to walk a specific point manifested in the excuses of the mind, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to  not to give in into the entertainment of excuses/fears of the mind and to focus on the patterns that is manifested in my thoughts.

When and as I see myself fear to speak about Bernard's death and noticing any energetic movements of anciety, regret, fear of the future, I stop and I breahte. I realised that this is a point that I must accept and let it go, undonditionally witihnhin and as the responsability of walking my physical stability as Life (no thoughts) and walking my process in order to recreate my own real stability.

When and as I see myself participating in the idea/imagination of being attacked by another being because I am not longer protected by Bernard, I stop and I breathe. I realise that this is a projection of security separated from myself. I realise that I haven't yet given myself this opportunity to deal with the fear, understand it and transcend it.

Within this, I commit myself to take responsibility for the fear of being alone to be sure that I trust myself in every way and to be certain that the "protection shield" of the mind is not real - I realise that these fears have been around with or without Bernard's presence and that only I can give this gift of Life to me.

I therefore realise that walking the process within and as me is the greatest support and independence I can give to myself.

When and as I see myself thinking that my world will fall over after this event, I stop and I breathe. I realise that my stance in Self-Honesty must be absolute in every moment of breath. Therefore, I understand that I am helping myself by writing on this point, by facing my fears, by applying Self-Forgiveness on the thoughts that pop-up and in committing myself to Walk until I am eternally Stable as Life Here.

Note: Some of the points are not shared on my blog as these are points are solely regarding my own memories and experiences. The patterns are explained and therefore anyone can apply these points to themselves and help oneself to walk his own memories/experiences in order to understand the patterns and correct one's acceptances/allowances.


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