March 13, 2015

DAY 150: Are we in Agreement? Practical steps to prevent snap decisions


In recent years I have seen friends of mine leaving their partners because things didn't work - somewhere along the timeline there was an accumulation of distress, resentment, anger and disappointment that left no room for an Agreement. I am not familiar with the various factors that led to the end of their relationships but in my past relationships I have the remembrance of such moments as a bubble that can't take no more and it bursts. In those moments, a snap decision would take place - either to leave, or slap the door or say something dramatically as seen in movies.
The agreement that I am talking about is the creation of something that does not exist by default between human beings - it is an agreement first with oneself about what one wants for oneself, and then an agreement with the partner to stand for and by each other unconditionally.  You now see why I can't simply walk away from it all even when things are not working - in an agreement, communication, understanding and self-honesty are key, which prevents any emotional scene. Also, an agreement is a reflection of ourselves and therefore it evolves, it changes, is revised and is recreated when required.

My partner and I started walking this agreement long before we got married: we wrote down the words that we want to build our world with, we redefined those words to guarantee that we were on the same page and we have been building our relationship based on the words that are the best for us.
Now, as with any process of changing one's habits, one must be consistent and be willing to actually change one's actions and words throughout a period of time until it becomes "natural" and as part of the new "me". From my experience, women tend to be also more responsible when it comes to live a commitment and we won't accept less than that which we know it is possible*. In fact, the world of possibilities is very vast in a woman's awareness because we communicate more and we allow ourselves to listen to what other people have to say. It might not be with every woman but as I am walking the process with Destonians, women stand out in the group as more consistent in their stance and daily application.

Another element worth mentioning is the role of expectations in an relationship and how it changes in an agreement. What I expect from another in a relationship is purely a thought - it is an idea that more often than not only exists in one of the partners which will eventually lead to a miscommunication and unmet expectations. In an agreement, there are no expectations (or at least one is aware that such experience or projection is not real) - what we do have is written or spoken commitments about what we accept and allow within and in another.

Nevertheless, there are moments where the patterns escalate and the minds almost take over unless something is done to align our direction.
After five years of agreement I know that my reaction doesn't lasts for too long (no more than one day) and that I must do something to give me/us direction, especially when the same point loops over and over again. So today we had a very serious chat about our future. About how each one sees it and what steps each one must take in order to turn the potential into a concrete reality. It is not as simple as slapping the door...

In today's blog I would like to share my realisations from facing the temptation of a snap decision and in assisting me to stay stable. In this, there are a important questions that one must ask to oneself before engaging in an argument:
  • Why am I judging my partner as less than me?
  • Why am I judging my partner as more than me?
  • What do I want for myself?
  • Why do I react to his attitude?
  • What is the thought that I am reacting to?
  • What expectations have I placed on another?
  • What are our options?
  • Where is my emotional instability coming from?
  • Why is my stability still dependent on another person, either negatively or positively?
  • Am I using the positive memories to compensate the negative memories?
  • Is my self-motivation genuine or based on an image that I have created for our future?

When it comes to images in the mind, I am realising that I rarely communicate or describe these to my partner - somehow I still believe that he sees the same image/idea in his mind. However, our attitudes will eventually show a misalignment whereby one's attitude will compromise another's image of the future without us being aware of this. 

The outcome that I would like to share is that conversations CANNOT be based on a reaction, otherwise the mind has freeway to put everything out, including the backchats, emotions, exaggeration and victimized that keeps feeding the problem.
Secondly, a conversation is open and flexible, so there is no point it sticking to one's argument indefinitely especially when is not promoting solutions to the problem.
Thirdly, the realisation that we are always and all-ways equal to each other. Any belief of superiority or inferiority, either felt in oneself or projected unto another is a perception that is not real. Who we are is made of the same matter and we are equally living our life process.
Finally, a decision does not need to be radical. In fact, it will take as much time to create a solution as the time that took to create the problem (either it being the miscommunication, the lack of application or the absence of self-honesty).


I must say that this was one of the most productive and effective chats we had. Now, it is time to walk the talk. As equals.


*Recommended interviews:


Know thyself - Free life coaching: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/




0 comments:

Post a Comment

Please type your message

Popular Posts

Categories

"1984 book" "Brian Haw" "Council of the European Union" "duty free" alcohol "Equal Money Sistem" "Equal Money System" "equal money" "equal money" life Einstein developing children "European Union" "heaven on earth" "Joana Ferreira" "mindful blindness" "North Africa" "north London" "Osama Bin Laden" "Robbie Williams" "She's the one" "Sistema de Igualdade Monetária" "South London" "Stephen Hawking" "Structural Resonance Alignment" 2012 80-20 Rule 9/11 abuse acceptances accidents achievement action activists Adamastor addiction adolescente advertising African trypanosomiasis agreement airplane airport alarm Alcohol Amanda Seyfried anger anger management Animals Anna Brix Thomsen anticipation Anu anxiety anxiety. pressure Apple argos arguments ashes atomic bomb attack attention seeker awareness baby steps backchat bacteria bank barbie basic income beauty bed behavior belief beliefs Bernard Poolman best for all BIG bike theft bills bipolarity birds blame blaming blindness blog boardgame body body fat explained born boss brands breath breathe breathing bribery bully bus buy callosity callousness cancer capitalism capitalismo Car accident career cats change change the world change yourself childish children China chocolate chocolates choices chronic stress comfort zone commitment common sense common-sense communication communication fear comparison competition conflict conflict resolution consequence consumerism cook corruption countries couple creation crise curiosity cycle cycling deadlines death debt deception decision decision-making decisions definitions dehumanisation Denmark dentist depression desemprego desire despair Desteni Desteni I Process desteni i process lite desteniiprocess Destonians developing nations dinheiro DIP DIP lite diplomacy Direction Disagreements disappointment diseases without cure disempowerment dissatisfaction distraction doctors documentary doomsday drunk earth economic system educate oneself education ego Einstein elevator elite embarrassment emotions empowerment emprego endodontic energy English Enola Gay enslavement entertainment entrepreneurship eqafe Equal Life Foundation Equal Money Equal Money System Equal Money System; North Africa equal-money equality equalmoney Esquizofrenia Esteni EU euromilhões Europe European Union evolution exams excuses exhaustion expansion expectation expectations experience eyes fail failure fairy story fame family FAO farm fashion fashion week Fatima Fear fear of accidents fear of cats fear of death fear of failing fear of failure fear of flying fear of loss Fear week Fears feelings feet females fight figthing flight freedom frente-a-frente Friday friend friendship frustration fulfilled full time job future gaivota gangs getting sick on holiday giving up God gods grades guilt guns habit habits hangout hapiness happiness headache headstand healthcare heaven heaven on earth Heavily Indebted Poor Countries hell help here hereafter History HIV holding back holiday hollywood Holocaust Memorial Day homeopathy hope horse racing horseback riding horses How to be patient how to live well human human behaviour human beings Human Rights Humanity humbleness I'm not good enough IAEA ignorance ikea illusion Image Images imagination impulse In time indecision inferiority inflation inner fight inner world intentions interdependence International Migrants Day International relations interviews invention jealousy Joana Ferreira Joana Jesus job job uncertainty jobs Journey to Life judgments justice justification Justin Timberlake ken know thyself knowledge knowtheother knowthyself Krugman lame language learning leave partner legs let go let it go liberty lie Lies Life Life earth stress mind equalmoney society self-honesty life path lightning limitation listen to me liver Liverpool Living living application living income guaranteed London Londres look loss love MA males manifesto manipulation marriage materials MatterFreeMan media memories memory memory. Fears men mente migration mind mind consciousness system mind Construct mindshift mirror of the world misinterpretation misunderstood mobile models money morning mortgage mother Motivation movie movie industry movies muerte mundo music music star nature neck need negative new year news night Obama occupy old olympics Oneness organised others ownership pain parenting Parents Pareto parfum Parliament partner past path patience patterns peace people perdão próprio perfection persona personalities personality Physical physical body pigeons plan plane plane crash planning plans play plays pobreza polarity política political will politicians politics Portugal Portuguese positive possession postponement posture potential poverty power powerlessness pre-programme pre-programmed present presentation pressure primary school Principles priorities problem problem solving process procrastination profession profissão profit progress projection projections protests psychology public public relations public speaking punctuality punishment purpose Pursuit of Happiness Quantum suicide Questions RapeLay Rastani reactions realisation reality reconciliation refugees rejection relationship relationships religion Remembrance remembrance day reputation rescue Research and Development resistance resources righteousness Rights riots Robot Virgins root canal roots routine Rozelle de Lange RT news rules rupture rush rush hour rush. stress Saturday schedule schedules secrets Self self help self honesty self judgement self stability self-awareness self-change self-confidence self-correction self-definition self-direction self-distrust self-expression Self-Forgiveness self-fulfilment self-honesty self-judgment self-limitation self-perfection self-realisation self-respect self-responsibility self-stability self-trust self-trust. stress self-worth self. principles separation separation from others ser humano series sexomania Shakespeare shame sharing sickness SIM Sistema de Igualdad Monetaria slavery sleeping sickness smoking snooze society society. self-honesty soldier solution solutions space shuttle Spain spitefulness sports Stability stage stand up start the day starvation Starve step by step Steve Jobs stop the mind street stress stressless stuckness study success Sunette Sunette Spies sunshine superficiality superiority support suppression survival survival. rich system taking things personally technological evolution technology teenagers The Act of Killing the perfect girlfriend the unexpected thinking too much Third Contact thoughts time time management toblerone tourist trust Truth Tsetse Tsetse fly Tv TV series Twin Towers UK understanding unkown unponctuality unpunctuality unsecure urges vaccine valentine's valentine's day gifts value victimisation violence virus vlog wake up walk walk the talk wall street war war on terror warfare weak weakness wealth distribution weekend weight White lies Who Am I WikiLeaks woman women words Work workaholic World World Events World Health Organization world peace worry worry wart worthiness writing yoga practice yogini young young pigeon youth

Blog Archive

joana jesus, 2015. Powered by Blogger.
Copyright © Joana's Journey to Life | Powered by Blogger
Design by Blog Oh! Blog | Blogger Theme by NewBloggerThemes.com