December 01, 2013

DAY 110: Self-responsibility during the storm - blinded by the fear and blame

The point of not embracing completely my responsibility for my acceptances and allowances came across when dealing with the point of blame. When I was younger, I remember to copy or agree with what another did or said until something went wrong and then my mind went automatically into blaming the other for my experience. The "funny" thing is that I could not find the blame point until now, however it is manifested in thoughts and backchats throughout my whole life. Probably, because I was educated to not blame another, I don't do it in front of the others or say "it was his/her fault"! But inside, there is a point of blame that I have been distracted by… and therefore missing THE point of self-responsibility.

I came across this point tonight, in the middle of a lightning storm, after my husband telling me to go with him to another place so we could see the lightning better. In my mind I feared leaving the house and crossing the garden to reach the other building - obviously it was the fear of death by getting struck by a lightning. I was having a conflict in my mind  because I was not taking the decision for myself but defining that moment as a pressure on me. Even though he was informing me that it was safe to walk that short distance, my imagination was already far far away… and the image that I was having was about me going behind my husband and being hit by a lightning.  

By bringing this point to myself I can see how I was blaming him for anything bad that could happen, when in fact, it was going to be always my decision to cross the garden - it was my legs walking, it was me breathing, it was me directing me. The fear was showing me all of these but all I could see was the fear in itself. I was blinded by the fear, not by the tropical lightning.

By investigating a childhood memory, I can see the blame pattern. When I was about 4 years old, I was playing a game with my sister (older than me) who at some point asked me if I wanted to go fast or slowly - I said fast and there we go: we both fell and I harmed myself in my mouth because I had the baby pacifier on. I can see that there were some elements that I did not take into consideration, such as our age difference, our different strength and physical conditions. Probably with 4 years old the point of self-responsibility was not yet understood however only today I was able to relate this experience to the tendency to live another's decision instead of embracing that decision as myself, as who I am in that moment, and take care of me to make sure that my decision is the best for me.

The other person is a facilitator but is not forcing me to do anything. If I walk or if I say something, it is time to be fully aware of the words I speak and the direction I take. There are so many elements that play out that I can only be aware of what happens within me, so this is a point to practice from now on. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that another knows more what I want to do or knows what is best for me more than I do about myself.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get distracted with the point of blaming another for my own experience of fear instead of giving me the moment to investigate my fear and to walk the decision by myself. 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to relate the other person to my experience of fear (e.g. to my husband for inviting me to go out, my sister for suggesting going fast) when in fact I created the fear experience inside myself, I imagined the images in my mind, I took the decision to participate in the game and I was the one resisting to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to embrace my self-responsibility as all that I must do for myself as the Life that I am.

When and as I see myself believing that the other person is responsible for my decision because the idea of going somewhere came from the other person, I stop and I breathe. I realise that whatever I do or whatever I say is a manifestation of my acceptances and allowances in my mind, therefore, I commit myself to re-establish my relationship with myself in fully responsibility, so that I stand as an example of self-responsibility to myself and I support myself to be fearless when it comes to take a decision - I  support myself to trust my decision unconditionally and for that I commit myself to look at the present moment in self-awareness, in investigating the various options I have, in being flexible with myself and being my own solution in every moment. 

When and as I see myself going into my mind of imagination, fear and anticipation, I stop and I breathe. I realise that participating in the mind won't support me in dealing with the physical reality and that I must let go of the thoughts that are limiting my expression.

I am starting to see what is means to be hard on myself because the mind limits my expression every time I go into the imagination and anticipation, literally imposing an image unto my reality that is not the best for me.

Therefore, I support myself in slowing the mind down through breath in order to see that I have the ability and the responsibility to create myself here, in self-awareness and not copying what is going on in my mind or in the minds of others. For that, I commit myself to communicate with another to assess the options available and I commit myself to walk my decision in self-awareness, self-trust and enjoying living myself in self-responsibility in every moment.


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