August 18, 2013

DAY 85: The Fear of Walking Alone

Today I could see and physically feel this fear manifested in two ways within me: the fear of walking alone in my process and then fear of walking alone on the street. I was walking down the street in Dublin and in my mind I thought about the possibility of being attacked by another being, either prosecuted or in a direct physical invasion of my space. It was a little bit late at night and I was not familiar with this part of the city, so my mind some connections were made regarding: late night + alone + new city for me = imminent danger. So this brings me to the point of not being unconditionally stable wherever I am, in making sure that I walk my process of breathing, stopping the mind, continue walking (both in the physical and in exploring my Process) and that I do not give in into the mind. So what happened when I gave in into the mind: an enormous energy of fear was felt within my whole body: I was crossing the road and I saw people crossing in the opposite direction. When we were passing by each other, I had the sensation that one male was actually moving in my direction to push me. I reacted in fear of actually moving away to the left as in my mind I was anticipating some sort of attack. This happened in a matter of seconds and fortunately there were no cars in that moment, otherwise it could have been dangerous because for a moment I was only focused on that other being and not realizing that I was crossing the road! After this, I continued walking alone but in a watchful manner and distrustful towards other beings that passed by me that night.
The fear-energy was disturbing, extremely strong and mind-created. I was forgetting that there had been quite a big sports match in the afternoon and that there was many people drunk walking around, so this could have possibly been an unbalanced human being affected by alcohol with no intention to harm me but because we were physically close (crossing the road) I associated the idea imminent danger once I saw his unbalanced body movement.
What I take from here is the danger of feeding the mind and how this generates a separate reality in my mind about how I think things can happen based on stories, imagination, experiences from other people and even news that I see happening to other people. In essence, the mind repeats the past in a very manipulative manner because it uses the present reality to feed the patterns of the past. However, in my Process of Change, I can use that which my mind shows me to understand where the fears come from, to stop them and to give me direction to walk away from the mind and change my present and future.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to walk on the street and participate in the fear of the mind by thinking that is too late to be in the street at night and therefore “punish me” in the thoughts of being attacked by a male figure.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal to be fearful because I am a woman walking alone at night in a new city, without realizing that this is a brainwashing of victimization that I, as a woman, have accepted to justify the fears of the mind.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to walk alone on the street in complete stability, physically present, breath by breath. I realize that being careful and aware of reality does not imply to have fear, because in fear I am no longer in this reality, but “living” in a mind separate reality.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be convinced in my mind that the person crossing the road was going to attack me because I was matching his body movement with the image of the mind of seeing someone walking in my direction to harm me. In this, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to be in a protective and defense mode because I would be a victim of that male attack instead of realizing that this was happening in my imagination. Therefore, I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be a victim of a male attack and I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project the mind into this reality.

Self-Corrective Statements
I commit myself to let go of these thoughts when I am walking alone, no matter at what time in the day and I commit myself to be stable within me in every moment of breath, to make sure that I am present here, equal and one with any other being here – this way I also see that I am able to move myself if needed, but not from an energetic reaction that does not support me and only creates separation, nervousness and physical instability. I realize that I did not even consider helping that male in case he was actually falling due to the alcohol imbalance.
When and as I see myself going into a fear state, I stop, I breathe and I speak Self-Forgiveness outloud to myself to guaranteed that I help me to bring me back to Here and not feed the fears of the mind.
When and as I see myself thinking that being a woman alone walking down the street at night is synonymous of danger, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this idea is based on the education that I had, the news that I heard and the whole perception of inequality between males and females that I see it should not exist. Within this, I commit myself to stand equal to the male presence and to never again allow me to underestimate my presence based on the idea that I am weaker in case there is an attack from a male. I also realize that such situation I cannot anticipate however, I am responsible for taking care of myself in recreating my stability within me and recreating my self-trust in my presence on this earth. I commit myself to stop the projections of the mind when some elements “match” the idea of perceived danger, such as the point of being late at night, being alone in a foreign city and being a woman.  Regardless of being alone and being a female, I am as responsible for being stable within me as everybody else, anywhere and at any time.

When and as I see myself being unstable within me and moving myself in fear, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to breathe and do Self-Forgiveness until I am stable to make sure that I don’t create my own mess in my reality for being distracted in my mind. In essence, it is quite simplistic: I must make sure that I don’t allow myself to be petrified and possessed by the mind-fear and the mind-personalities and that the only way to do it is to face the fears/personalities, forgive them, let them go and support me to be physically here, present, as my own example and able to do what is best for me and for the others.


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