June 14, 2016

DAY 161: Walking baby steps before running (or putting the legs up)

Yesterday I injured myself during my yoga class and through this I have been facing an important realisation when it comes to doing something based on an image, as opposed to doing it considering every single step of it. In this specific situation, I decided to do the headstand position based on how I saw other people doing and disregarded the process of learning the position and considering my own body condition. Despite the pain in my neck that I started feeling after trying the pose, I am glad that this point opened up as an opportunity to learn from it. It is not about fearing to try something new (which in a way I overcame it by trying) but it is about building the confidence within me in order to try something new in full responsibility and self-care.

As I was reviewing this episode, I could relate this experience with previous accidents that I had in my childhood and later in my teenage years where I was always trying to prove something to others (to my older sisters or to boyfriends or to friends that I looked up to). In these memories I can relate to the little preparation I gave myself as if I was impatient with my own learning process and wanted to go faster, to try a new path, to win, to do what other people were doing... The result was to fall/fail. I couldn't go so fast before first tying the slower version, perfecting my confidence and gradually attempting new variations of that action (either running, or riding a motorbike or then raising my legs on the mat).

I can see how one single experience, when analysed without the judgment or being right or wrong, can uncover so many keys to my own process of self-awareness and self-change. When I was mentioning this experience to my husband, it was really supportive to not hear him saying something like "that was silly" but instead he said: Once you recover I can help you with learning that pose. It is that simple: I need to walk the baby steps before I put my legs up.

Going back to the pattern of wanting to prove something to others, this is another interesting point to look at in self-honesty. I see that it is related to my habit of looking up to people when they can do something that I cannot, and then how I then allowed myself to forget the path that one had to walk in order to do it. Being the youngest of three girls, I can see how I used to look up at my sisters for doing things so perfectly compared to how I did them (e.g. writing, playing games, drawing, knowledge) and how I went into the idea of being inferior for not being able to do those things (yet). It was hard for me to understand that my sisters were born before me and that they had already walked the phased that I was going through. I learned a lot from them, but the sense of pressure came with the experience based on the belief that I should be able to do it, even before learning how to do it!

As I am typing these words I am experience an emotional movement within me, so I will investigate it further. But in the meantime, I will start by walking the self-forgiveness in relation to the thoughts that led me to try the headstand without considering my process of learning and considering my body.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to put pressure on me/my neck by believing that I needed to try the headstand this day.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that doing the same poses over and over again is boring and therefore I should be trying something new, without realising that no matter what position I am doing it is me, I am my body, I am breathing, I am aware of myself.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own body awareness in the moment I tried to replicate the image of the headstand, from the mind to the physical reality.
I forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise that I had not learned each step and therefore any attempt was not going to be a full replica of the picture I had in my mind.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project into my reality images of the mind, instead of using the physical reality as my reference and build from t(h)ere.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is time for me to do the headstand as if yoga has goals to be achieved outside of me and based on images of the mind.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for not being able to put my legs up even after I started to feel pain on my neck.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that someone in the room was judging me for the fact that I wasn't able to complete the pose and was "half-way".
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire to be looked up at for being advanced or for doing other poses/variations.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the desire to achieve something or to achieve an image is real when in fact it is a projection of how I look up at people when they do something that I can't do.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am more or less depending on how people evaluate me/admire me or judge me.

I see, realise and understand that this judgement and imaginary person is actually a projection of my own judgement for not being able to do the pose as I had seen it. In this, I see that the image in my mind isn't real: what it is real is my body, my process of learning and now the pain that I feel for forcing the pose.

When and as I see myself desiring to copy what another is doing based on the idea that I am inferior and that therefore I need to do what they did in order to think of me as superior, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these backchats and thoughts are based on separation, on the idea of superiority and inferiority, in self-judgments and in comparison, and therefore not based on principles that I want to live for myself.

When and as I see myself putting pressure on me by thinking that I need to do something in order to feel good about myself and to have a sense of achievement, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that these feelings are of the mind and are not real. I see that what is real is the process of learning, of developing my muscles, of training the poses and to take new steps based on a solid foundation.

When and as I see myself judging me for going too slow, being "behind" or inferior compared to other people's experiences, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this desire for an experience to validate, value myself or to see myself equal to another is not real, as Who We Really Are is not defined by experiences, by knowledge, by doing more, less, faster or slower.

When and as I see myself thinking of an image in the mind and believing it to be real and that needs to be created in my reality, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that seeing others or having an image can be of support/guidance but it will be me creating in real time that is real and that is me. I see, realise and understand that I am not that image in the mind.

When and as I see myself projecting my judgment to the idea that someone is looking at me or thinking something about me, I stop and I breathe. By bringing these thoughts to myself, I support me in slowing down the mind and realising that these self-judgments are not me, and are not the other.

I commit myself to support me in being diligent with the steps that I must take in order to perfect something, or to simply do something new and I commit myself to recreate the process of learning as self-enjoyment rather than rushing through it and judging me for being "behind".

I commit myself to live each step of the learning process in full presence and self-satisfaction without having an end goal or a desire for achievement that is based on an imagine in the mind.

I commit myself to use the self-judgments to see/become aware of the automatic thoughts and "programs" of my mind and to deliberately stop the judgments by breathing, by bringing me back to this moment, giving me direction in self-awareness and therefore change my relationship with myself.

I see, realise and understand that my actions are a mirror of the relationship I have with myself.

I see, realise and understand that who I am is here in self-honesty, is being aware of my body and considering any physical limitations.

Therefore, I commit myself to change my relationship with myself and to act accordingly, by supporting me in my process of learning, of being patient with myself and of being stable with myself no matter what stage of the process I am in. 

Curiously, yoga is a practice. That's it, just a practice...

If you resonate with this point, I recommend listening to these interviews:


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