February 10, 2016

Day 159: Who Are YOU in the face of disagreements?

When it comes to arguments or to simply being in disagreement with someone's ideas or opinions, I notice the tendency within me to focus so much on the clash of the minds that I forget about who I am in midst of it all. The consequence of getting obsessed with what another said to me for example suddenly becomes a traumatic experience that I prefer to avoid rather than investigating -- a nice way to hide my mind from myself! So on this post I will open up the other side of arguments and disagreements, which is the window of opportunity to get to know me, to investigate my own reactions and to let go of the burden that I have perceived such an experience to be.

So the question that came to me was: Who I Am when a discussion intensifies and my view differs from another's opinion?
Until now I have been perceiving another's comments as a personal attack to me, whereby I take it personally and I believe that I must defend myself from the "attack". If I look at my past memories of being in an argument with someone (this often happened with my sisters) I see that I could easily go into an offense mode, either by feeling offended or by spitefully wanting to offend another (the called "low blow"). From that moment on, I can also see the fear of its escalation because I have seen minds fighting before - words are used irresponsibly and the real topic that was discussed slips into second plan because now it is a battlefield for the minds and the energy thereof - I was no different and the same has happened to me, for as long as I participated in my mind.

This is precisely what I am currently changing within me.

What happens if I decide to be stable even when I may sense that another person is reacting?
What happens if I give myself time to respond instead of responding in the heat of the reaction?
What happens if I bring the reaction fully back to myself and recognise that whatever happens inside myself is my own creation?

The answer to these questions will definitely be different from everything that I have been living thus far, because I know exactly what happens when none of the above is applied - there is space for resentment, for sadness, for emotions, for disappointment, for fear, rupture and separation. The other person is just a mirror of all the emotions I allow within myself, first and foremost.

As part of my process of self-investigation I am decided to break down these patterns and to walk through Who I have been in the face of disagreements, in order to live Who I Want to Become in every moment of my life.

I will now look at the tendency to take words personally/as an attack from another.
I see that I would not react to comments if there wasn't something about me in it, meaning, the reaction is a veil that hinders me from seeing something about myself. So the other person actually assists me to uncover aspects about myself that I am not seeing or willing to see.

In a recent experience, the best way to describe my reaction was for feeling misunderstood - for wanting to explain myself and despite my efforts my words were being twisted and interpreted in a certain way that was not my starting point. From this I went into a perceived powerlessness because I was trying to convince another person of something about myself. But why do I need to convince someone about who I am? By bringing this point to myself I see that it was not about the other... It is about me standing for myself, stable and without self-doubt. It is about me being absolutely certain about my starting point and therefore not even reacting to any potential misinterpretations.

It is interesting to see that I was almost missing this point if I would have not stopped the emotional reactions and looked inside. I also see the effect of the reaction because from that moment on everything else was contaminated with the reaction and I was no longer stable within me. A practical tip to not allow emotions to take over is to let go for a moment - in this case, to not respond immediately to another and instead, give me time to stabilise myself again and come back to see the situation in self-honesty and common sense. It may be even a couple of days until one is calm and does not react immediately to another person - because it is not about the "other" but about what I experience inside myself through another.

Based on my experience, writing the backchat or the reaction can assist to let it go however it will not actually assist me to look further inside myself. That is where self-forgiveness comes in. By forgiving myself for the emotions I am participating in, I am able to slowly but surely take off the layers to dig deeper into self-awareness and understand new points about myself hidden behind reaction and fear.


I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to participate in the friction and the thoughts in my mind when someone states a different view of the world, politics and society.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take another person's views and comments as a personal attack to my own self and to my vision for the world.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into irritation within me when I notice that my words are being twisted and used in a different meaning than my initial starting point.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to go into fear of how another may use my words based on the belief that I am being attacked.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to respond to defend myself (in this case my mind) instead of participating here in self-direction, in eventually clarifying what is going on without expecting to be either accepted or understood.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the friction that I feel in the moment I read/hear a comment that is in disagreement with what I am writing/saying is real.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that another person is angry at me because I am not in agreement with them. In this, by bringing this point to myself I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to get angry at another for not being in agreement with my views or with what I say. In this, I see, realise and understand that I am the one creating anger within me and projecting that towards another.
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the emotional reaction and the thoughts thereof are real. I see, realise and understand that the thoughts that come from the fear and the reaction are actually indicators of what I am still allowing myself to participate in and I can decide to look into these, forgive the reactions, the fear and allow myself to change myself in relation to Who I am in the face of disagreements.

Self-Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself seeing the emotional reaction building up when I am reading or hearing comments that are in disagreement with what I stand for, I stop my reaction and I breathe.
I commit myself to slow down my mind until the point where the thoughts exist no more and I am deliberately grounding myself here in my breath. From here, I assist myself to recognise the pattern of reaction to disagreements and my responsibility in not feeding this friction/energy anymore. I commit myself to give me direction to see the common sense (or lack of it) in the disagreement and in making sure that there is no emotion involved in my participation, whereby my starting point is no longer about defending myself/ego but rather in clarifying whatever is not being clear to another based on my understanding of how the world is and how it should be.

When and as I see myself going into self-doubt when someone questions my integrity and self-honesty, I stop my reaction and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that my reaction is an indicator of where I am not unconditionally standing for myself in self-trust. Therefore, I also see that it is not about responding to another or defending myself because there is no quick fix for this - who I am as self-integrity and self-honesty is a decision that I live inside me, in every moment and that I stand in what I say and do.

When and as I see myself participating in irritation when I am seeing that my words are being misinterpreted and twisted into a different meaning, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this irritation exists within me and this is where my focus goes, not about the other that is activating the irritation! By identifying the tendency to get irritated when things go out of my control because I can't control how another will interpret my words, I see, realise and understand that there is nothing to be worried about. All I can do is to assist me in being honest with myself in the words that I write/speak, in trusting myself unconditionally and in being stable within me when facing my mind and another's mind. I assist me in seeing the situation with a clear view without the emotional/taking personal personality and instead create the space to clarify the misinterpretation.

When and as I see myself participating in the urge to reply back to make my voice heard and try to change how another sees things, I stop and I breathe. I see, realise and understand that this urge is based on my desire to have another agreeing with me and ultimately change the other person, which is not how it works. Therefore, instead of participating in the friction of the disagreement, I assist me in being responsible for my self-stability in order to listen to another without reacting nor taking comments personally. I also give myself time to look at the points being discussed without reacting to it, and to reply (if applicable) in absolute self-stability and practical common sense.

From here, I see, realise and understand that I am creating myself differently in the face of an argument, I am letting go of the idea of wanting to defend myself / be seen in a specific way or wanting a specific outcome out of the conversation, and I assist me to focus on Who I am in this moment within myself - that is then projected in who I am and say to another.

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