October 09, 2013

Day 104: Who am I in an embarrassed moment?

After writing my previous blogs and listened to the three Eqafe interviews on embarrassment, I started to become aware of the moments when I feel embarrassed about something that I said or did, helping me to de-construct the multiple thoughts associated to and the starting points that lead to the experience of embarrassment.
One of the first moments which I was able to apply what I listened on the Eqafe interview was at work - so work place is a great opportunity to face oneself and to transcend the mind. I was working with a new team and I was a aware of that "irrational" need to prove myself as being a good person in the eyes of the new acquaintances. At some point, a colleague asked something which I replied immediately. In a matter of seconds, I realised that I had not heard the question properly and that my answer did not make sense. I thought immediately that I was being judged by the others as being possessive and selfish in the eyes of the new colleagues. I tried to quickly explain that I had not understood the question and tried to explain myself (redemption). But this time, since I have been working on this point of embarrassment, I was able to stop for a moment and I ask myself: what is that I am fearing others to think of me? Am I these judgements? Why am I defined by the "eyes/I of others"? Do I need to prove that I am not possessive and selfish, or should I trust myself that this is not who I want to be and therefore it is my responsibility to correct myself?

Other questions that I could have considered would be: Why would I think that the new colleague would judge me negatively if we haven't even spoken yet? Why do I think that others will have the wrong impression of me? Why do I define me by what people may think of me?

Many of the points shared in the Eqafe interviews were not entirely new to me in regards to embarrassment, however, until now I was not able to stand in self-honesty to actually see how I behave and think exactly  as what is described. The point of awareness in real-time allows me to bring the point to myself and see where am I defining myself as an image of perfection, trying to control my reality  through my mind. The advantages of not going into embarrassment  is the ability to stand for myself, to support me in my presence and to care for me/who I am being.


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