I must
deconstruct the moment of embarrassment to see all the layers under the
experience of embarrassment Walking it through self-corrective statements
helps me to open us these layers within me.
This is a
continuation of my blog: Embarrassment - Losing my comfort zone at work
When and as
I see myself judging the action of speaking English in public as something too
big and too risky for me, I stop and I breathe. In this sentence I realise the
following: speaking in English is speaking a language, not more not less than
speaking in Portuguese or in French; speaking in public is not different, or
should not be different than speaking with myself or with the people that are
close to me; judging something as more than what I perceive I can do is an
idea, therefore, I can first do the action and then see what is that I must
align in order to stand equal to that action - in this case, judging speaking
in public to be a big task was my own mind-dictatorship telling me how to judge
that moment and define me according to the experience and fear of being
overwhelmed by something "bigger than me". Finally judging it as
risky implies that I have an agenda to follow in order to stick to a certain
image or reputation that only I invented to myself, instead of creating myself
through my actions - is it not risky to stay stuck in my own imposed mind of
ideas and fears? I realise that the risk is also an idea through which I limit
my options and my own expansion. In fact, speaking in public in English is
supporting me to stand comfortable with the language, comfortable with my own
voice and making myself more clear to others. Speaking in public and outloud
forces me to change the way I communicate, the structure of my narrative, it
helps me to see what is relevant and what is ego, and I start enjoying myself
in my communication in English, instead of getting frustrated with it.
When and as
I see myself holding myself back to the memory in my mind where I judge me in being embarassed, I stop and I
breathe. Instead of simply accepting this memory as the only thing that was
left from my past, I start investigating what is that the memory/mind/embarrassment and judgments are showing me what I have bee accepting myself to be and exist as. In this case, I realise that
the memory of my performance as being the cause of failure is a manifestation
of devaluation of my own self, whereby I judge everything that I do or touch as
getting less value because I got involved. I also realise that the action of
speaking in public was merely a few minutes of practically assisting the event,
but the weight over this memory is the self-judgment. As the Eqafe interview
also assisted me to see is that what my mind is showing me in moments of
embarrassment is that which I fear others to thing of me, that in turn is a
projection of that which I want to hide from others and, finally, of that which
I want to keep avoiding facing within me. I commit myself to stop the habit of
going automatically to the acceptance of self-judgments but to instead stop the
self-judgment and support me to be stable in everything I do and to embrace my
actions. I see that I would not harm me on purpose, nor would I deliberately
decide in self-interest, because none of these "choices" are
self-honest actions. So, if I think that others are judging me as less, I see
that this is my own thought and that I must forgive me for diminish me in my
relationship to others. I can only stand as life in this world if I stand for
and as my own life and if I respect me as Life, equal and one with another
being and all that exists. I commit myself to stop the attachment to the memory
and to stop manipulating me through defining me as the memory and the accepted perceptions of myself and others. I commit myself to debunk my own personalities found when I investigate these moments of embarrassment. I commit myself to restart again in each breath and let go of the judgments and
give me time and practice the ability to know myself, to understand the
patterns of my mind and to help me unconditionally to change me in self-direction in order to stand in oneness and
equality and to be always self-honest.
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